Sunday, March 28, 2010

Ratology can wait-- till today

I haven't been jotting thoughts down for a while even in my internal blog or journal.

The following words spoken by my voices captures it all...  "Ratology can wait."

It ain't gonna do nobody good if I am not in a stable and healthy state.

Think this might be time for some notes:

The core assumption: alright, I am abnormal.  As a result, any deliberation about whether I am crazy or not is non-sensical.

Meds:  Somehow there was the feeling that I was becoming overdrugged again.  It's been a week since I am on 100 mg Seroquel as opposed to 150 mg (and as opposed to 600 mg I was on last year this time).  Strange enough, symptoms are like ships passing in the sea.

The main life's tasks now a days: stay 空空 (Taiwanese expression of dumb dumb I guess... 8-O lol) and do exercise, eat well and walk.

Survival principle: Some things I have been learning to practice these past few weeks if not months:
  1. Dedramatization: Given my conditions (hallucinations, delusions), I am a certified drama queen... as a result, you want drama? Go watch TNT.
  2. Dumb and dumber: It is actually my preferred state now to not have to think too much especially when, for me, a lot of thoughts are very useless.   Moreover, somehow I am coming to believe that my biggest problem in life is that I am too good at thinking... good to the extent that I got myself thoughts intoxicated.  8-O lol sigh
  3. KISS (Keep it simple and stupid): If I like something then I say I like it and I act on it. I love food therefore I eat. What is the need for them strange complications. (No wonder sometimes I seriously think that, I am crazy but normal people are crazier... 8-O oops... )
  4. Don't know nothing: Just live it and I have the feeling that I can live through it. I don't need to know (e.g., why the cold running through all over the body... the extremely uncomfortable feeling of energy running through out too fast...   why walking in and out... blah blah blah... til why feeling my whole body bubbling recently... sort of like a fish... 8-O lol etc). The more I try to know, the more useless thinking I engage myself in, the more efforts I make to drive myself nuts... I guess... 8-O lol
  5. "I am not entertaining it."... or the 無聊 or 吃飽太閒 (in Taiwanese even better) principle... or the Harry Potter "ridiculous" strategy:  many of the things could be it... a means towards dedramatization.

    Side thoughts about them normal people....  the burden of being normal.... too much slack.... 8-O lol oops...

    I have a good feeling, though, that... soon... all these will run through...  As for the keeping my head and mind empty thing.... what is the point of trying to stuck more stuffs into your head if the purpose is to vacuum it? And, how on earth could I have lived my past life the extreme of a type A personality in New York City?  (is she crazy? check your assumptions.)

    On my way home, this thought emerge... Thank God not I am not the norm... otherwise, shall the entire world be operating under my kinda MO... we would all be but waiting to eat air or 吃空氣... 8-O lol

    Therefore... you know.. it is ok to be normal.... whatever it might mean for the normal to be normal...

    Time to take a walk.

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