How psychotics think

 The reason I spend my life writing and working on my books is to acquaint people with mental health issues and to dis-stigmatize them.

As I am writing George Eliot's Middlemarch, I come across the following quote:

"Nay, are there many situations more sublimely tragic than the struggle of the soul with the demand to renounce a work which has been all the significance of its life—a significance which is to vanish as the waters which come and go where no man has need of them?"

Ouch. It speaks my mind 

Middlemarch

Still waiting for my friends to edit my book. After being traumatized by the ending of Moby Dick, I picked up Middlemarch by George Eliot, not realizing that her (yes, it's a she) book, Middlemarch, is even longer. :-X

Finally made it to 50% of the book.

Finally ... Moby Dick appeared

 Moby Dick finally appeared in the last 3 chapters.  I have the feeling that a whole lot of chapters aren't necessary if the book really is about Moby Dick. Also, I am traumatized by the grand finali.

Now that I have finished reading this book, my friends haven't started editing my Chinese version of Broadened Horizons, the book about psychotic onset. Aye...

Let me find yet another classic I guess. At least now I can say I read Moby Dick. lol sigh

80% into Moby

 80% into Moby Dick. Now the topic of discussion is on fossil. 

The name Moby Dick did get mentioned twice or so.

81% into the book and now we are reading about buffalos.

No Mody by 71%

71%  into the book, still No Mody.

Yet, by now, I am getting used to the writer's way. His stream of consciousness. lol  

Change of MO

 Yesterday I was pondering whether to continue reading Moby Dick because the author has been going around writing chapters after chapters about all thing except for Moby Dick. 

As I mentioned in my previous posting, early morning time is the time for me to do work on my books except now I have to wait for editors to get back to me. This is why I take up reading again.

Today, contiuing to plow through this book where Moby Dick seemed to have been forgotten, I decided to change my MO. Forget about Moby Dick. Just plow through it chapter by chapter to see how far the author could go.

Moby Dick again

 50% into the book, I am thinking about quitting it since I cannot phathom myself continuing with a book deviating for so long from a'whaling.

Moby Dick

 I started to read Moby Dick because I am waiting for my friends to edit my book in Chinese, to make it more readible.

Now, 37% into the book, I am finding this book partially unreadible for me because the author had this habit of wondering off some other subjects while all I want to know is, like the old man and the sea, the crew and Moby Dick.

Since it is a classic, it's gotta be me who's got a comprehension problem.

Though I read on... feeling bad for the fictional whale.

The meds

Nowadays, I am taking 9 pills in the night time and 10 to 11 pills for the moring. 

Uusally, what I would do is to put all the pills in the pill-cutter and down them together with aqua.

At times, after I put all the meds out, I would switch to brushing my teeth etc.

The morning before yesterday, when I was getting ready to take my morning drug, I realized that I did not take my evening meds. So I skipped them and went on with my morning pills.

Then, I had a wierd day with symptoms out for a field trip. I had this ominous feeling. And, when the content surface, I knew I now could die because I have done my work. Being handicapped both in the body and in the head, I am really done with the living thing and pray to God for a good death.

So I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday morning and I described the whole 9 yards to him. He was simply listening and not particularly engaging until I told him that I have been authorized to die. He jumped in that moment:"Make sure you take your meds!"

lol

The wait

 My professors at Taiwan University, where I went for my undergrade, recommended me to have some people edited my book Broadened Horizons in Chinese version. Two of my professors in Psychology found it unreadible. Oops.

So I sent it off to a classmate of mine and she requested her father, a writer, to do the job.  Knowing that I am in debt to them for their help, I dare not be to pushy though I have no idea when the edited book will find its way to me. 

So I have been trying to switch my attention to reading the classics. Moby Dick is the current classic I have landed on since last week. I am only on chapter 17 The Ramadan while the book is 135 chapters long and will take me quite a bit of time to go through it.

Then I pondered. Will something come back by the end of this thick book? Out of my hands anyway. 

Routine

 I have been busy working on my books. After I did the self-publishing of my books through Amazon.com, at some points, I decided to translate two books into traditional Chinese: Broadened Horizons and Blows.

The books have been translated but that's not the end of it. Broadened Horizons is out there to be edited while Blows has been sent out for people to review so that I can get feedback on it. This makes me sort of, how do you put it, anxious I guess since how the processes go are not in my hand. 

In addition to the translation job that comes in once in a while, I haven't had the chance to blog and reflect on my life.

Now that I have all the time in my world, I am sort of in a loss since the never ending chores suddenly come to a stall. My morning part of routine got broken and I don't know what to do with myself.

My psychiatrist told me to have a routine in my life and now I understand why.

Anyways, I made some changes to the Blows and just updated the ebook and paper back in Kindle Publishing. At some point, I saw the royalty for the book and realize that for each paperback book I sell, I would make only pennies. lol

And, wow, it's been over 2 years since I last blog. Time flies!

New York New York

After years of waiting, I finally get back to the New York City. Nice to be back to be a New Yorker.

My favorite child

I am single as a bird without children. How on earth do I get to have a favorite child? :-O

The books are my children. I put in all too much everything in them all. Whether they are good or bad from others' perspective, my children are the best and my favorite child is Ratology Evolutions: My Psychotic Mental Model of My Psychosis. It's the thinnest book amongst all and, perchance, the hardest one to read.

So why is it my favorite? I had a most difficult birth coming up with a model about my psychosis while I was, in real life, institutionalizable grade of psychotic with bad bad bad side effects of Seroquel. Also, my head refrained me from doing literature review with the target participants as schizophrenic or psychotic. Ya, and believe or not, my head also set limits on how munch time I could work per day. Under the unfathomable restraints, I managed to come up with a, by default, imperfect model about my psychosis ... imperfect but done. Also, I didn't write myself all the way back to the psychiatric ward.

And, today, for my favorite child, I asked this professor of mine, who is a cognitive psychologist, whether he could read my model book and provide me with some feedback ... and if I could better the model, would he mind writing a foreword for it.

I can do only what I could do. Shall God ask me to make such a request, just gotta do it, I guess.

When could I halt

Thou shall halt is what I heard when I put the mouse on this textbox where I am doing the typing thing.

I was about to complain about God and now I have gotten the authorization. Yes, psychotic does psychotic does. Ain't no doubt about that.

So I ask, to halt from what?

From everything involving the books. Yes, just like what that Lord Byron said, "What is wri, is wri! Would it were worthier!" I have done my due diligence coming up with four imperfect books. I have been trying to introduce to more people about them, hoping to see destigmatization as the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, perhaps that is not my job to market the books, to promote my ideas, and to rid the stigma once and for all.

I am a documenter and I did my duty. The whole thing had taken the better part of my years and I could not do it all alone no more. 

Perhaps, I can just sit back and see whether I could make a ripple or not.

The thought itself relaxes and destresses me so.

Thanks God for authorizing me to halt.

Fear

 God told me that I can get rid of this body suit that's handicapped both in the head and the body.

Yes. That is the deal.

Now that I have finished publishing all books and tried my best to market the books, where is my time to rest in peace? Instead, I am stuck with this sleep disorder that makes me wake up every one or two hours.

Have I been deceived by heaven? OMG ... where is the promised good death?! I am waiting and now fear is overwhelming me ... how come I am not dead yet?! :-X

This is almost like the apocalypse episode all over again.

Sharing

Since my psychotic books were published, I have been trying hard to spread the words but to no avail.

I never have the illusion that my books would turn to be best sellers that would make me filthy rich. However, I do have the wish that the books could reach people and help to make a difference on how people view mental health issues. 

It is my intent though this intent doesn't seem to be going far. It is very self-defeating a reality.

Then, today, when I went to the hospital to do my physical therapy, this therapist, who had seen my book Broadened Horizons and whom I had told that the book is based on my experience as a schizophrenic, said to me, "Thank you for sharing."

I suddenly felt a sense of relief.

Reading group

In light of the inertia of getting people to start reading my book, I decided to start a Line reading group.

I have been going back to read Broadened Horizons and try to provided the key points in writing for each chapter and so on. Hoping it might make it easier for my ESL cohorts to read.

After the initial testing phase, it has come to my attention that I am the person making postings 99.9% of the time.

Oops. Whatever could I try?

God knows ... and since it's my belief that it's God or something alike that made me write the books. God or something else ... I am waiting for your recommendation. What good are these books for if they cannot spread the words?

Update on the books

Given the amount of time, energy, and money I wasted away to get the books out, of course I would prefer everyone to buy all my books in the series, read them all; get something out of them; and spread the words. However, based on the information I gathered so far, only limited number of people have started the reading process. Oh oh ....

By the way, before you buy books, you might want to check out the content. With Amazon.com, you have the choice of either downloading a sample kindle book or click on "Look inside" to preview a segment of the book using the browser. 

My psychotic books and learning/teaching

Who is your audience? I have been asked about this question a gazillion and a times. Anyone could be the audience of my psychotic books.

The question I have in mind nowadays is "how can my psychotic books be used as supplementary teaching/learning materials?" Following is an example.

Broadened Horizons: On Psychotic Onsets--Basic level. This book is suited for introductory courses such as Abnormal Psychology or psychopathology at the undergraduate and graduate levels.

Blows: Polar Express to Club Meds (aka Psychiatric Ward)--Basic+ level. This book is suited for readers with a basic understanding of or interest in psychopathology and qualitative research.


Ratology Evolutions: My Psychotic Mental Model of My Psychosis--Higher level. This book contains quite a bit of jargons and it would work best for readers with or would like to have an understanding of developmental psychology, cognitive psychology, and neuropsychology.


Ratology database: My Psychotic Discourse (Abridged)--Basic level. This book contains my writings from the onset to my third hospitalization. The contents could be used for training in qualitative research with real-life data. An example project would be the book "Blows: Polar Express to Club Meds (aka Psychiatric Ward)."

The drawing on the cover of Ratology database

 Why is this psychotic rat (aka I) so happy? 
 
The answer is in the title of the book Ratology database.

As a researcher, I love data. I am a data freak. Though I'd prefer not to be the contributor of the data, there is nothing wrong to find them data precious.

Be happy, ratprincess!