Friday, October 3, 2014

Unmerited suffering

I have been stuck in a state of not-a-whit-of-wit while trying to humorize my amateur version of "Les Mis" accidentally created as depression slyly sneaked out on me throughout the months described in my last post.

As a psychotic depressive (in major depression) with the biggest fear as the complete opposite of Yossarian's in Catch 22 and the premonition of the pending death enriched by the auditory hallucination of "Death be upon you" following me like my half shadow, it's an immensely interesting pursuit to try to be humorous and funny in writing on matters that apparently pained me so much that I actually went back to the psychiatric ward (e.g., the denial of green card, financial issues, facing the abnormal pain and mobility issues that would not go away).  Worst of all, because I was too depressed to be humorous to begin with, trying to be humorous to no avail during the revision process and consequentially making no progress depressed me even more, especially when effects of anti-depressant was slacking away, taking its time to work.

This quota of my unmerited suffering leads me to conclude that because it's been a long long time since I last dealt with major major major major kind of depression that last so long, I have become rusted in being depressed (and it's a good thing that my books focus on psychosis rather than on depression). Also, I suspect that the attempt to be funny and humorous is actually a depressant when in major depression even though they say that humor etc helps. I would actually suggest against intentional attempts to be humorous and funny unless your psychotic self also push you to work through a book that requires humor to lighten things up. Nonetheless, unintentional humor seems kosher still.

Just a state report summarizing what I have been down to and a followup for my last post.

A quote to share with you (where I got the title from):
"to reconcile belief in an omnipresent, omni-benevolent God with the fact of unmerited suffering."

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