Friday, August 29, 2014

What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

All things included, having to live with this body and the head and the drug side effect while trying to push the book out, I am tired.

Suffering is the word I will use this time.

I lived through 8-9 months with thought broadcasting sysmptom because Seroquel at a dosage lower than 25 mg nowadays could already make my body jumping around, waking me up in the middle of the night finding my knees rolling up to my chest. Also, I had to work on the book.

When I eventually up the dosage even more to get the symptoms taken of, the bodily side effect got even worst. I couldn't sleep because of the bodily discomfort and the tightening up of muscles all over.

As a result, Abilify was added to treat the condition and to replace Seroquel. Unfortunately, the bodily side effect, Akathisia, of Abilify was even worst. I was so busy shaking my body and moving the body around that I could do nothing else at all.

Then, for weeks, I had to go through meds reduction and constantly coping with drug withdrawal. I started trying to taper off Seroquel only to realize at some point that the side effect of Abilify was even more unbearable. As a result, I had to gradually cut own on the dosage of Abilify and got off it instead.

In the meanwhile, the bodily discomfort was always there--the physical part of my minor inconveniences in life. I went to a neurologist and tried out meds like Lyrica, but it made me more sedated than anything else, and did not take the discomfort part away at all.

Worst of all, all these medication brought forth depression as well.

Amidst all these, based on my friends' feedback, I realize that the book was too long and I decided to split it into 3. Yet, it's simply too difficult to use this head under the influence of the medication and depression as well as the bodily discomfort.

All these lead to the question: What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

It also made me perplexed why no one cares to ask what the meaning of life might be.

Then, I revisited the following clip by Frankl. It doesn't answer the question but, at least, it tells me that I am not the only one bearing this question.