First time experiences- Bought!

The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decided to get a new one.


Went with my mom and sister shopping for the next refrigerator today... with my sister's expert skills in haggling, bought a refrigerator for the first time today!

So they say, in Taiwan, Panasonic and Hitachi are two of the most energy efficient brands.  In addition, the freezer is at the bottom to make it even more efficient.

Since, with another 500 NT dollar, we could get cashback rebate and additional gift.  I bought a USB flash drive for myself for the first time in my life as well!

Down the memory lane with down with meds, over a thousand US dollar kinda spending for an unemployed psychotic who's still broadcasting thoughts...  Makes me wonder... lord... am I swinging to the other side characterized with shopping spree? 8-O lol

Yet, having lived without a refrigerator for the past few days, I guess, refrigerator is as essential as broadband in the modern time... 8-X

Regardless, two first time experiences in one day- I bought a Flash Drive for the first time in my life- (though-- whispering--- was waiting to buy 128 GB instead- although I didn't see 128 GB in stock- good excuse for a cheapskate like me) - en route to buy a refrigerator for the first time in my life!

(This post is cross-posted in Ratology Reloaded Blog)

気持ち (きもち) kimoji

I grew up using this Japanese expression "kimoji"- sort of like gemütlich in German, good atmosphere in English and 氣氛 in Chinese.

Since I have been trying to learn the Japanese alphabets since around the time when I became telepathic again, based on the sound I have used gazzillion and a time in my life so far, I used hiragana to come up with the spelling for kimoji- きもじ.  Yet, I simply couldn't find in any of my googling result stating kimoji is like 氣氛 in Chinese.

So I thought of this Taiwanese friend of mine who seems to be really well-versed in Japanese and sent her this SOS message, "how do you write in Japanese "kimoji"?"

Following is the ensuing conversation:

• Expert, "気持ち (きもち)"
• Ratprincess, "thanks... so it is not ji but chi?"
• Expert, "ya"

Also (German)... 

So it is... 気持ち (きもち or kimochi) in Japanese is きもじ (kimoji) in Taiwanese Japanese!

Could have continued to be wrong in a million and a time more!  Except for, in Taiwanese Japanese, 気持ち would remain to sound like きもじ (kimoji)-- I guess.

Done with DWM- Ratology Reloaded yet another round

Finally got done with reloading Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology... yet another iteration with one of the main task this round... getting rid of words-- too many words.  8-X

Got the task restarted on September 20th and finally got this round of reloading done today... at around 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. according to the timestamp on the picture I took at Guang Hua Mall (光華商場).

For this iteration, I took it done at large as I was on the road.... or... when I took my breaks during my daily walk.  Though I might not have traveled thousands and a mile, I surely went through thousands and more words of a past I traversed back.

At the same time, since it ain't quite all that enticing to be an unemployed handicapped in the head and in the body with thoughts still broadcasting to the entire world plus the setback in my bodily condition in the last week of September followed by a combination of cold and allergy symptom that left me wearing a mask for 3-4 weeks long, I surely was not gonna entrap myself in suffering of any kind more and took it out and about at large.

Remaining to be accomplished, the last chapter and the first chapter thereafter... since it might take the coming out of the last chapter before I can get a better estimation about what Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology is about... though the true value might not be approachable.  I do have to digitize the corrections and edit work that I did with paper and pencil.

Yet, afterwards, I would have to find someone else to do the editing work regardless whether DWM might outsell the first book I published... my dissertation... which sold, I guess, around 10 copies or so.  8-O lol

And, after going through DWM so many times, one thing I know for sure now is... No longer could I say nobody ever really read the writings in my blogs since, oh, Lord, I myself along have gone through it God knows how many time and pondered gazillion and a time... "Man... Why so many words?" lol

Bad circulation in the head

Been knocked down by the cold for almost a week.  So I went to see my uncle the doctor who's been treating me since a kid.

He showed me a picture of my inner ear with blood vessels readily visible and explained to me that the reason why the vessels could be seen so clearly might have something to do with bad circulation.

The matter of the fact, I had always know that my blood circulation was no good since a kid with them cold feet.  Yet, the circulation department get even worst after the accident in 2007 and even worst in January 2011 after the body got broken again.

Yet, so say the experts... the pattern of the brain blood flow in schizophrenic patients are different than that of the normal.  For instance, as per RSNA press release: Blood Flows Differently Through the Brains of Schizophrenic Patients

"... compared to the healthy controls, the schizophrenic patients had extensive areas of hypoperfusion, or lower blood flow than normal in the frontal lobes and frontal cortex, anterior and medial cingulate gyri, and parietal lobes. These regions are associated with a number of higher cognitive functions including planning, decision making, judgment and impulse control.
Hyperperfusion, or increased blood flow, was observed in the cerebellum, brainstem and thalamus of the schizophrenic patients."

At the same time, existing research has also found abnormal brain blood flow pattern in patients with chronic pain.  For instance, in the article Brain perfusion abnormality in patients with chronic pain, the authors found:

"....decreased cerebral blood flow was observed in the dorsolateral prefrontal area (both sides, right dominant), medial (both sides), dorsal aspect of the anterior cingulate gyrus ociceptive cortex and lateral orbitofrontal cortex (right side).

So I thought.... good lord...

What might have contributed to the observation of my bad circulation in the head?  While, to be honest, how does it matter for me?  8-O lol

あたまコンクリート 阿他嗎konkurito

Yet another day あたま コンクリート (阿達媽konkuri).

In the middle of the night, I woke up wide awake and was sneezing up a storm. Couldn't get back to sleep and decided to take an additional 3-ish mg of Seroquel.

It knocked me down the entire day... in my mind I thought... 阿達媽 konkuri or adama konkuri or concrete head.

Not until just now did I realize... maybe my Taiwanese Japanese pronunciation of a concrete head has always been wrong?

It should actually be atama konkurito? Or, in Chinese writing, 阿他嗎 konkurito?

Unless, in Taiwan, it is just adama konkuri or 阿達媽 konkuri?



Ratology Reloaded: あたまコンクリート (阿達媽konkuri): Last night, when I was taking my medication, I happened to pick up one piece that was larger... The entire day today.... I feel...あたまコンクリ...

Six pointed Star- polyhedra origami from one sheet

Made one of the six pointed start last night as I attempted to live through one more day shutting the brain down- as per commend de my body since I have been working straight through and for more hours since the second setback in my bodily condition within a few days two weeks ago.

One thing I managed to do as I was doing my footsoaking while watch cartoons, I folded up a six-pointed star without referencing the official diagram of John Montroll- which I came across in the summer of 2007.

Although I wasn't able to recreate the exact same 6-pointed star designed by Mr. Montroll, what I managed to come up with does form the shape of a star with six points.... though messier version.

Decided to make one following Mr. Montroll's diagram to show you the differences.

Come to think about it... though the star I made without the diagram was not all that classy looking, at least, first time get a star form done without a diagram.  Not looking too close at it, does look like a nice 3-D star. Not perfect, good enough la! 8-O lol

The six-pointed star without the diagram

The messier 6-pointed star without the diagram.

The messier 6-pointed star without the diagram.

The six-pointed star based on the official diagram

Surely easier to make with the star more in shape with the diagram.

Surely easier to make with the star more in shape with the diagram.

Decided to see whether I could get the six-pointed star folded after trying it out referencing the official diagram... after the post.

Voila!  Ganze einfach!

After folding the star using them shining paper all these years, I tried it out with the ordinary kinda origami paper and came to the conclusion... The material of them shining origami paper suits better.

The passing of professor Yu

Just realized today that this professor of mine 余德慧 has passed.

Still remember vividly when he made this comment,  "偏見，偏見，沒有偏哪有見“ (bias (side view), bias (side view), how can you see the whole without viewing it sideways).

A class skipping undergrad auditing his Hermeneutics class.

A comment that, interestingly, has a profound meaning in my life given the nature of disordered thoughts.

Though he might not even recall this student.

Thank you and God bless.

Experience

Found some liking to this quote and thought I'd share it with ya!

"If the artist does not perfect a new vision in his process of doing, he acts mechanically and repeats some old model fixed like a blueprint in his mind." (John Dewey, Art as Experience, 1934)

Leader of the parade 陣頭

Just watched this movie 陣頭 (Leader of the parade )... A very "earthy" (鄉土) movie with Taiwanese expressions I have never used before and  陣頭- a folk culture indigenous to Taiwan.  Following is a parade I came across on Mother's day, 2012...


Back to the movie 陣頭 (Leader of the parade ), I find it very inspiring.  Apparently, it was based on a true story of 九天民俗技藝團.

What I find most impressive about this group is that many of the team members were once dropouts from school and might event be juvenile delinquents.  However, this group helped them to find a niche for themselves and start a new life.

Following are some clips I found about the movie 陣頭 or the performing group 九天民俗技藝團.



A clip someone took when the team members were practicing.


The group apparently just had a performance in Lincoln center on August 3, 2012.


A TV program made after the group took 三太子 to a marathon across the Sahara desert.

Telepathy

"Telepathy" itself is not a symptom, I guess, since maybe there really are people who are telepathic.  The world is large and nothing new under the sun.  However, "telepathy" in my case has always benchmark the opening of the gated doors to the cuckoo's nest.

In addition, when "telepathy" comes out, in place are symptoms already there.... It's an addition.

Some thoughts I drafted concerning telepathy back a couple days ago in my private blog to share with ya...

Why the emergence of da telepathy thing?  Well, cutting the dosage down to less than 10 mg of seroquel within 6-7 months from 300 mg for the purpose of being functional to perform work, which requires the usage of brain power.... that of course would do it since- duh, disordered thoughts are part of the thinking process! lol sigh

Need to continue using my head to do work with da "telepathy" thing while getting it under control on 100 mg only....  That is amazing grace!

MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2012

Telepathy etc

An interesting discussion occurred during my meeting with the shrink...

I told him about the telepathy and thought insertion thing...

He said, "Thought broadcasting and thought insertion."

Well, I figure that he understood what I was talking about...

Not quite sure how thought broadcasting is defined... thought it meant that thoughts in my mind are being broadcast to everyone.

What's the difference between my aka "telepathy" and thought broadcasting?

Sure, the symptom of being "telepathic" is simply a combination of thought broadcasting, self-reference thoughts, hallucination and psychotic symptoms otherwise not specified in thought and physical formats.

Yet, the sum of the parts seem to be qualitatively different from the parts themselves.

Granted, the addition of the thought broadcasting itself will add even more stress to a head already handling the commonplace psychotic symptoms.

But, in the "telepathic" state, all symptoms are united into one.... if not integrated (amazing grace that while I can't get to da integration thing after all these years, symptoms can get themselves to do the synchronous dance so very easily.  Sort of like... so speak my psychotic self... "What's all the fuss about integration?  I get your integration done in a breathe all the times except for you keep on trying to disintegrate me?  You don't even have to make any effort!" 8-O lol)

In this state, not only are one's thoughts broadcast to the world telepathically... Other's thoughts can broadcast automatically to one's mind... And, the back and forth of broadcasting here, broadcasting there, and broadcasting everywhere paves the unterwegs zur cuckoo's nest easily in no time- not to mention the noises contributed by oddly synchronous events here and there.... Like me thought of taking a trip to see the Pyramids this afternoon and saw one of the cartoon character going into a pyramid early this evening.

Also, da thought insertion... the feeling that something forced thoughts or visions into my head. Also institutionalizable grade kinda symptoms. Although, the phenomena of thought insertion actually precede telepathy.

It remained damn strange that... I was all the way up to 300 mg of Seroquel last year while I do not recall the occurrences of thought broadcasting and telepathy. Da 100 mg Seroquel, this round, has strangely kept them symptoms mostly under control- meaning- I can better getting the propensity towards such thoughts negated.

The occurrences of the symptoms and the dosage I can handle... tres buzzard...

Don't know, though, whether it is the same thing for the rest of the psychotic populations... the equivalence of insertion, thought broadcasting and telepathy as well as unterwegs zur psychiatric ward.

Since I am unterwegs zur Seroquel, let me entertain yet another question-- oops... forgot...

Let me select one question randomly then... were they already there throughout the past few months except for I was too sleepy to get them entertained?

Nope. I don't think so... they grew exponentially this past month as I was becoming more and more awake in comparison to the months past.

At the same time, simply my mindless mumble jumble.

What is wrong with my cognition?

Someone came to the post about Impaired Metacognition: Part II and I got to revisit the following paragraphs:

Quote 1

"On the other hand, the so-to-speak breakdown in the self-controlling mechanism is manifested in one’s inability to make appropriate adjustment to one’s interpretation about events, provided one’s self-monitoring capacity remained intact.
In plain English, I might agree with the notion that there is some impairment in the controlling component of the metacognitive model when I can not change how I interpret my experiences despite of my awareness of the biases and irrationality in my frame of references.
However, is this really impairment in my metacognition?
I don’t really think so. But, of course, that is but my really tired and loco interpretation."

Quote 2

"At the same time, as I have elaborated in previous postings, just like Rome, delusions are not built in one day. At the micro-level, as time goes on, it is inevitable for the delusional to develop a propensity to attribute observations in a way that is deviated from the norm. As a result, provided with the same environmental cues, delusionals might gradually develop a pattern in attending and interpreting environmental inputs that is different from that of a normal person.
In other words, both the normal person and the delusional are capable of performing metacognitive tasks, namely, self-monitoring and self-controlling.
However, a context is required for one to exercise his or her metacognitive skills and the context contains both the environmental inputs and one’s past experiences. Given the same environmental inputs, provided adequate ability capability of performing metacognitive tasks for both the delusional and the normal person, I feel it should be one’s past experiences that result in differential experiences, rather than the impaired metacognition." 

From where I stand today I would say, I agree and disagree with these comments- though it is sort of difficult to agree or disagree since some part of the texts seem a bit ambiguous to me.

Starting from the second part of the quote, past experiences do not necessarily destine one to think in a particular fashion although learning does promote the strengthening of cognitive pathways, as per cognitive processing doctrine, and this is why old habits are hard to break- especially in the context of automaticity.  In the context of the discussion, what is missing is the component of the present.  For the normal, there is one set of reality and the limited numbers of hypotheses to entertain.  For the psychotics, there is more than one set of reality with them realities entangled.  As a result, there are far more hypotheses to be entertained while hypotheses beget more hypotheses- and this is why psychotic like me live a living trying to not get drown in the sea of hypotheses.  8-O lol sigh

The notion of da sea of hypotheses brings me back to the first quote...

Am I still in agreement with the comment that I don't have metacognitive impairments as per "Is this really impairment in my metacognition? I don’t really think so"?

I disagree despite of the word "really" in da quote.   Coming right out of, if not still coming out from, a state of institutionalizable grade of psychotic symptoms bench-marked by telepathy (i.e., the sum of thought broadcasting, thought insertion and I can read you mind), I can tell you for sure that there are huge problems in the "control" department.

This is not the "let go of control" or "illusion of control" kinda control I am speaking of... (or is it the same thing? 8-O)

It is the phenomenon of, given the equal strength of verbal and non-verbal stimuli in the background, you brain is biased to attend to and interpret the inaudible verbal stimuli despite of your attempt to focus on the non-verbal stimuli such as music in the background.  

That is an impaired department of "Control."

Regarding monitoring, well, though possible to achieve, the one major confounding variable would be simply- How do you tell what is real and what is real?  Sounds like a chicken and egg question here... 8-O lol

At the same time, it appears to me that when it gets really "positive" (amazing grace that I could outsource 100 mg of Seroquel and a whole lot of rest to save myself my the cuckoo's nest while still kick at large), a huge part of the department of control seems to go on a vacation, possibly went on to Mars with Curiosity- leaving only an understaffed division working with the exponential increase in "biased observations."  Sort of like.. I guess.. the scenario of the arrival of Fallen and them excessive number of Decepticons when Optimus Prime was "on leave" in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? 8-O lol 

(Oops... hope my symptoms don't get aggravated by my describing them as decepticons.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Just an updated thought.

Russia?

Still get quite puzzled by the number of hits through Russia nowadays.... though not so many hits to my blog anyways... 8-X lol

Alo, Russia?

(Courtesy of google translate... )

Кто вы?

Любой комментарий?

My walking fish? 8-O

Was thinking about this quote 

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

and this pix...

And I decided to look up some more pix of walking fishes... via google image with the simple keyword of walking fish...

When scrolling through them images, I saw a pix of my walking fish with the pix linked to a website unknown to me....

I was overjoyed... OMG... my fish is on a website!

My walking fish returned by google image search

The pix of my walking fish linked to article.wn.com

And I thought... how on earth did I recognize this fish? 

New tooth

Got the crown put in-- I just got a new tooth!

Been laughing like Arale Norimake (則巻アラレ, 丁小雨) or 則卷卡斯拉 (則巻ガジラ, 可美) in Dr. Slump with a missing tooth...

Missing tooth!  Missing tooth!

Finally, new tooth in.....

Guess... um............. ain't no nothing to brag about? 8-O lol

And, I surely have watched a whole lot of cartoons while doing my 英英美代子 kinda swinging these past few weeks.... 8-X lol

 

Visits

Though I entertain the sources of visits to Ratology Reloaded not all that much- since, with a proxy, you can identify yourself from arriving from any location on this planet- as long as you don't ask me to ponder why anyone would go through such hassle- just my default psychotic protocol.

This month

This week

Today

Past 2 hours (Now)

Interestingly, I am getting quite a bit of hits from Russia and Taiwan.... as well as... manchmal... China...

Don't know whether the pages were ever retrieved successfully on the client side in China? 

Not enough depth but run really fast

Trying to get a crown done for that tooth of mine that's been undergoing tooth canal.  Ended up, as per the dentist, the height of the tooth is at around 25 percentile with only 25 percent of teeth in the teeth population shorter than it.  Not enough depth.

At the same time, though the teeth not using the retainer were tighter than with the retainer right after I had my accident, nowadays, them teeth need da retainer noch ein mal.  Well, though das body of mine can run not, my teeth do run fast...

So I say... not enough depth for the teeth while my body surely is fat enough...  Can't run no more except for them teeth wouldn't stop running.

Surely all in the wrong places... though, still, some parts de moi have the depth and some parts run really fast... brava, brava, bravissima! lol

National treasure- The Declaration of Independence

The last time I saw someone with due enthusiasm with the declaration of independence was in the movie... National Treasure.



Today, when I was, with due diligence, doing one of my physical therapy routine, I heard this gentleman, also receiving his physical therapy then, reciting the declaration of independence in the doctor's office in Taipei.

Wow... that was the first time I heard anyone reciting the declaration of independence from his head... Really impressive!

The last time I came across something related to the declaration of independence was possible when I watched the movie.... the pursuit of happiness based on the story of Chris Gardner.



So I decided to take a look up the Declaration of independence drafted by Mr. Jefferson... and saw it for the first time... I think... though in digital format.

The front

The Back

Typhoon Saola 蘇拉

Typhoon Saola 蘇拉 just landed the second time, within 12 hours, in Taiwan... with its rain and wind... mucha damages done already...

God bless!

The Queen as the Bond Girl!

Heard my mom talking about the Queen escorted by 007 on the news.  Since I missed it on the news, I decided to look for it online... because it sounds sooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooolllll!

Finally, after quite a bit of trying out- as the diligent sports men and women are trying their best to break their own records and those of the world- I finally got to view the clip of the Queen escorted by 007 to the opening of Olympics 2012 from the source itself- BBC!



Good luck to all partaking in the Olympic games!  


Bon Chance and do your best!

Great grand aunt

Had a great feast at a wedding banquet... with the unmentioned to and from the restaurant on the metro described by one word... "Pain." The thing about so busy being in pain is that all cognitive capacity was dedicated to pain perception and there was not much room spared for my psychotic symptoms.   At points, when my head get a break from pain perception, I did find voices trying to sneak in though such occurrences was pretty infrequent.

Can't blame it on God this time since it was me who came up with the brilliant idea of trying to "jump" since I haven't been able to jump since 2007--- and that was not really even a jump. 8-X sigh

One thing interesting about this feast is that... at some point, I realized that many of my cousins are already grand parents.... that would make me the grand aunt to many.... Not to mention the aunt to many almost around my age.

As I was telling my father this finding, he told me that, among the part of the family that did not come today, he is already the great-great-grand uncle (太).

So I thought... yours forever 21 has been a great-grand aunt (祖) for some time... then?  OMG....