A tale of Mental Illness--Elyn Saks

A great talk to share with you...



At some point into her talk when she was speaking of her struggles to get off meds, been there, done that, and today I only wish to be down with meds except the side effects have a bad habit of getting in the way.

Ratology lingo

(1/8/2014 Update: Please see http://neologyratology.blogspot.com/2014/01/ratology-lingo-update.html for the updated Ratology Lingo list)

My writing in the Ratology domain is mostly nothing too close to standard English.  I know it along the way but since I have been using language this way so long, many of the usages have become the standardized Ratology usage.  (Of course, some part of my strange English is simply due to either mindless mistakes or my not-knowing-English-too-well kind of error. 8-O lol)

After I went through the notes and edits of proofreaders who went through the model I developed on my psychosis, I got to better identify how Ratology lingo deviates from standard English. One thing I have to stress is that I have no way to tell whether these preferred usages are a manifestation of the pathology or not--could be and could be not. Following is a list of Ratology language usage (still a work in process) with some of the points actually already mentioned in the Neologism in Ratology blog.

1. Me’s, myselves, and Is.  Nothing grand and no mistakes... given my split-headed existence and as an attempt to acknowledge all the voices etc in me... there came... "mes, myselves, and Is."
2. I like to put words together to create a new word.
3. I like to build sentences this way: aberrant my brain structure or limited my words as opposed to my aberrant brain structure or my limited words
4. I like to build sentences this way: verb+not as in turn right not
5. I use emoticons to express feelings :-O :-X :-D lol
6. I like the sound of what it be like as opposed to what would it be like
7. I like to use da, them, la, etc as opposed to the standardized the
8. I like to use double negatives: should there be no nothing
9. I like the word: Donno
10. I like the word: Ain’t
11. I use the notion of “self” a lot because being psychotic is all about all things relating to me’s, myselves, and I’s.  Therefore, terminologies like self-related.
12. I like to use vernacular language
13. I use the term “the normal” to refer to “the non-psychotic”
14. Sometimes psychotic is used as a noun to represent a person with psychosis
15. In terms of comma, I really don’t know my commas too well.  However, sometimes that comma I put in does mean a pause partially because I do think slowly and there are pauses between my thoughts
16. The Apocalypses and the notion of being killed a million and a time I speak of refer to the scenarios at the height of my second full-blown psychotic episode.
17. Bend and snap: As per Elle in Legally Blond, "In my experience, it has a 98% success rate of getting a man's attention and when used appropriately -- it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. It's called the 'bend and snap.'" As per yours truly, I might have to swap "a man's attention" to "my symptoms' attention" and "a dinner invitation" to "an increase in medications." 8-O lol
18. I use the word “la” at the end of the sentence at times. Since 2-3 years ago and after I went back to Taiwan, I picked up this usage of "la" because I simply like it la! Them "la's" you see in my writing, it's the pinyin of the Chinese character "啦":  a final particle of assertion.

(This writing is cross-posted in Neologism in Ratology.)

Frankl and I Broke My Neck But That Didn't Break Me

A clip I found with Viktor Frankl in it with a gentleman whose neck was broken but it didn't break him.  Think it's really... powerful...

Something to share with you... (unfortunately the site doesn't allow me to embed the clip here so please click on the link.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_lmMl4P7cQ

A historical first time experience: got a cell number

The last time I had the most traumatic experience in my life... I lost my beloved 212 phone number... still could feel that pain... (you know how hard it is to get a 212 number!) 8-O

Today is the sequel... I don't wanna do it but I have to do it... I had to get myself a cell number and lose that identity as one of the last surviving Luddite without a cell...

Anyways, however traumatic that identity loss might be, I, for the first time in my life, got a cell number of my own.

If you wonder, why don't I want to use a cell phone and carry it with me on the road?  Is it because I am a paranoid delusional fearing that people might track me etc?

Albeit the 99.9% principle, I am 100% sure that it's not the reason (for once in my life).

Let me put it this way, in my imaginary world, people monitor and record everything I say and do 24/7 even when I did not have a cellphone.  Using a cellphone absolutely would not add more to that 24/7 grade of monitoring and recording.  Ain't like... well... now they now can monitor and record everything 25/8? lol

Why do I refuse to have a cellphone?  Just don't like it and I don't like to talk on the phone anyways.  8-O lol  

Loose cannon in NYC

I really am insane.

So there is the feeling that my naive model of my psychosis is finally in shape and time to get back to NYC.

And, in NYC tonight while having no idea at all where that proof reader/editor of mine is still.

Insane in my own eyes... don't know what it be like in yours.

Good old writings

Getting old... forgetting what I memorized as an even springer chicken and finding myself skipping things left and right when trying to recite them good old poems... like the following...

What mastery with words!  Wow!

念奴嬌 赤壁懷古　　蘇軾

大江東去，浪淘盡，千古風流人物。
故壘西邊，人道是，三國周郎赤壁。
亂石崩雲，驚濤裂岸，捲起千堆雪；江山如畫，一時多少豪傑。
遙想公瑾當年，小喬初嫁了，雄姿英發，羽扇綸巾，談笑間，強虜灰飛煙滅。
故國神遊，多情應笑我，早生華髪。
人生如夢，一尊還酹江月。

宣州謝朓樓餞別校書叔雲 李白

棄我去者，昨日之日不可留；
亂我心者，今日之日多煩憂。
長風萬里送秋雁，對此可以酣高樓。
蓬萊文章建安骨，中間小謝又清發。
俱懷逸興壯思飛，欲上青天攬明月。
抽刀斷水水更流，舉杯銷愁愁更愁。
人生在世不稱意，明朝散發弄扁舟。

將進酒 李白

君不見黃河之水天上來，
奔流到海不復回？
君不見高堂明鏡悲白髮，
朝如青絲暮成雪？

人生得意須盡歡，
莫使金樽空對月。
天生我才必有用，
千金散盡還復來。
烹羊宰牛且為樂，
會須一飲三百杯。

岑夫子，丹丘生，
將進酒，杯莫停。
與君歌一曲，
請君為我傾耳聽：
鍾鼓饌玉不足貴，
但願長醉不願醒。
古來聖賢皆寂寞，
唯有飲者留其名。
陳王昔時宴平樂，
斗酒十千恣讙謔。
主人為何言少錢？
徑須沽取對君酌。

五花馬、千金裘。
呼兒將出換美酒，
與爾同銷萬古愁。

First time experience: Just Got Paid! 8-O

Since my blogs are so "well-read," I have given up on seeing the day to come when I get a check from google Adsense and use it more or less as an alternative means to cross-check the stats gathered through google stats.

(To show you an example of how well-read my blogs are... there were 31 hits on Ratology Reloaded yesterday and it includes visits from browsers who might have browsed through but didn't stop, or bots accessing my blog to entice me to go to some sites, etc... 8-O lol)

Then, somehow I checked the gmail account I hardly check today and found this strange email, which I automatically classified as a spam mail...

Since I just wrote something down a day or two ago about how it might take me another 1-2 decades to get enough hits to get a check from google Adsense, out of curiosity, I clicked on this email and found the following content...

I checked all parts of the email and tried to figure out how this might be a phishing email... though... all parts seemed quite legit.

So I logged in to my adsense account and found that it really said that an amount of 100 dollars something was transferred to my account.

How could a check that is to come in 1-2 decades have arrived like 3 days ago?  Can't be right?!

So I logged in to my bank account and... OMG... just got paid by Google Adsense for the first time!

Also for the first time in my life, I got paid for the dungeon I built for myself with limited my words... from Down with Meds to Ratology Reloaded... Wow... That is grand!  Ain't no nothing grander than that! A historic moment in Ratology! Something worth me to shed a tear or two albeit the fact that TNT is for drama...

P.S., Now what's going on in the head of your paranoid delusional with grandiosity is... Oh... Lord... now my eternal love and IRS is watching me closely... I can envision myself under investigation and state... "My name is Ratprincess Ratology and I take the Fifth." 8-O lol

First time experience: Started a fire!

Today is the Mid Autumn festival and we decided to do a BBQ at home on a night when da typhoon rabbit gave us a break so that I got to see the full moon hanging high in the skies..

We didn't start the fire but...



I proudly did... for the first time in my life!



BBQ meat, vegi and fish...

魚下巴

while the song I sang to the first fire I started was...



So it concludes the post on "Started a fire for the first time."

La recherche... Du Temps perdu

When cleaning up all them papers piling up, I couldn't find Nelson and Naren's article.  So I went on searching and searching till, haphazardly, I found on my desk journals I took when I went into the psychiatric ward for the first time... while I still didn't know (or believe) I was psychotic.

An especially interesting paragraph to come across drafted on June 17th, 2001... possibly the 9th day behind the gated doors.

"I only wish everything could just stop here. Just leave me alone. I wish the taping process, doesn't matter by whom, could come to an end. I want everything to stop. It, somehow, has turned to be a soap opera of some sort. It does not deserve... I don't deserve people's attention and energy. I am just a simple person and I am but an workaholic. That's all."

Same words still applicable for yours paranoid delusional with grandiosity to use today and many days before and after today.

Except today, so I also say to myself...

"Cut that drama part already... you want drama, go watch TNT.  How is it your business someone wiretapping you or not?  Ain't like you are endowed in the wealth, fame, or power kinda department.  Get the shxt done so that one day you can bring a penny or two in and I can spare a bit of money to do work in an AC condition.  Shut the front door, get done with your work, and go make the body feel more comfortable!" (Developmental outcome? 8-O lol sigh)

Taiwanese singer... 陳雷

Someone came to visit this post... Down with Meds -- A revelation of Ratology (Recovered): 歡喜就好

5-6 years after the rise of Ratology Reloaded, his songs remain... 讚啦！

Without interuptions, let me present to you the Taiwanese songs by the singer...  陳雷.

1 and 1/2 of 25 mg +-

The night I made the post on dosage adjustment... I realized that I actually took 1 and 1/4 of 25 mg Seroquel by mistake since there was still 3/4 of the 25 mg pill left in the pill cutter.  Since going down from 50 mg (2 25 mg pills) is almost like going down by 50 percent, ain't no way of doing dosage adjustment.  Why didn't I suffer more from the dosage adjustment and the withdrawal?  Guess, having been exceptionally overdosed for all these months, still quite a bit of residuals of Seroquel in the body.

That night, I took the 1 and 3/4 of the 25 mg pills to be on the safe side.  Forget about the fish on the cutting board when trying to fall asleep, I spent the next day feeling the entire body all tight... uncomfortable.

It was then did I decide... what about 1 and 1/2 instead?  Taking the middle value?  From then on to date, still dosage adjustment though at the amount of 1 and 1/2 of 25 mg +-... still the "unmentioned."

This is why... crying out loud... "Where is my cure?"  A cure that free me of the symptoms, the side effects of the medication, and the never-ending dosage adjustment!



Ratology Reloaded: 1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +-: So, after a prolonged wait (months), in the face of the ever intensifying fish on the cutting board and the fear for esophageal spasm , dos...

Where is my cure?

10 years ago, it was estimated that a cure can be found for Schizophrenia as Possible in 10 Years.  Alright... it's 2013... if schizophrenia can be cured, they gotta be able to cure me of my mental department!

We are here; we are waiting!

(Please view the clip from 57 second if it doesn't start from 57 second into the clip as I had it set up.)

From my first skype interview to the legal thing...

Had my first Skype interview just now... when discussing the potential of doing translation work, I told the interviewer that there are things beyond my bandwidth... no quantum mechanics and no nothing in legal, for instance.

After the interview, so I pondered to myself, no quantum mechanics... I can fully comprehend... but that thing I feel about legal documents... is it grounded in anything?

So I decided to look up a case online... such as RICARDO MARRERO, PETITIONER v. UNITED STATES... and...

The thing I feel about legal documents... there surely is a reason for it.  In no way will I be able to tasks alike.  Case closed.

1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +-

So, after a prolonged wait (months), in the face of the ever intensifying fish on the cutting board and the fear for esophageal spasm, dosage change again... decreasing from 50 mg to 1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +- (since there is no way to cut a 25 mg pill in equal quars).

The adjustment... live it like how I have to live it before... just the reloading of the same old scenario... unmentioned cuz no need to mention no more. 8-X lol sigh



Ratology Reloaded: My biggest struggle--again: I really don't wanna have no nothing to do with this struggle again... why... all these months... just let it be 2 whole pills... as lo...

My biggest struggle--again

I really don't wanna have no nothing to do with this struggle again... why... all these months... just let it be 2 whole pills... as long as enough cognitive capacity to do some work now and then.

With the intensified fish on the cutting board... might have to jump back to the sea of suffering... pill cutter here I come!

Really 苦海無涯 (there is no end to the sea of suffering)... just kept on getting sucked back to da aqua... (Geez... I really have low tolerance for suffering... This also accounts for suffering? But do it yourself and you shall know... 8-O lol)



Ratology Reloaded: My biggest struggle: This past two months or so, every night, I have to fight this biggest struggle in my life... cutting pills (8-O lol) The task of cutting a...

A cup of coffee--a benchmark

Finally took a trip outside of Taiwan again... just thought... since there is an opportunity, might as well go and do my walking somewhere else...

I actually had no set plan on where to go and what to see... just going with the flow... perhaps, making it to find the City God Temple 城隍廟  in Shanghai--a temple I had thought might exist, was told to exist not, and finally found out that it really exists after I came back to Taiwan 3 years ago.

There was one thing I wanted to do at the beginning of the journey... My friends' family were flying to Taiwan on the same day although we were not taking the same flight and going to the same airport.  Knowing that their flight will take off 2-3 hours earlier than mine, I had in my mind this big plan... sort of... to go into town and have a sip of coffee at a coffee shop.

Possibly due to the fact that they know how not too useful my body is, they were worried and wanted me to have a cup of coffee at the airport instead. lol

Yet, I bid them farewell when they were getting on to the airport bus and ventured on to my final destination... an unknown coffee shop... where I'd be sipping my cup of coffee... people watching.

I knew what was to come... the empire of my body strikes back albeit my rehab efforts.  The weight of the luggage, however minimal I packed, still would do damage.  I was prepared and I was prepared to find all means to minimize the damage.

I found myself a coffee shop and sat down to leisurely have my cup of coffee... not the first one, not the second one... I made my efforts to search for a coffee shop and, en route, walked a bit more around the Shatin Mall.  Which one to choose?  As per the order of my body...  the Pacific Coffee.

On August 16th, 2013, thousands of people might have visited the Mall, many more a person got a cup of coffee from this shop, quite a few of them sat on one of the seats while I was there or not... The same day when that cup of coffee that I drank and the whole 9 yards it entailed happens to be yet another benchmark I made this year.  Surely, there was setback in my bodily condition... yet with minimized repercussions... which could be "repaired" within a few days.

I, like what other travellers do, I walked with luggages hanging at the Mall.  I sat down at a coffee shop, drank my cup of coffee, watched the people around, and did some work.

So it is... a cup of coffee... a benchmark. (Man... I surely am ambitious... ain't I? 8-O lol)

Screw

While working on my translation job, I saw this sentence... "one screw having problem... community of the same destiny."

I saw the word screw... I thought of the chair from which I fell from... all because one screw having problem...  I surely was screwed by the screw and never came to appreciate the power of a screw till today (though the accident took place over 6 years ago).  8-O lol sigh

Yet, the screw did screw the whole system... with the chair collapsed onto the group in one piece... the community of the same destiny... How is it my business to get screwed by the screwed screwed? An alternative version of my can't mind my own business disorder?  8-O lol

Regardless, first time to really understand the importance of a screw... sort of like... over 6 years too late? I surely am a slow learner... 8-O lol

At the same time, the funny thing is that... I had never seen that screw... whether it was broken or got loose...  since what happened was someone used a stable to replace that broken screw.  Reminding me of the notion of the entanglement between particles that never existed at the same time...

And, the reality is that, without that screw, that'd be no Ratology Reloaded and neither this book I am working on... which sort of make this book... the story of a screw. 8-O

Learned helplessness

The last three papers I took notes on all talked about the phenomena of learned helplessness.

One thing I have to say about being psychotic is that I am 100% sure that I am doomed to falter in the face of the mental God since delusions can never be fully caught.  Such inevitability surely can lead to the unfolding and manifestation of learned helplessness... Yet, as a not-so-physically-capable psychotic starting the mental career as a depressive, knowing the certainty that I am doomed to fail, all the plausible theories about how learned helplessness is developed, and thinking that failing less is good enough, what can I do to escape the entrapment of learned helplessness?  And, what could others in the same shoes do?

Interesting question... 

Thought broadcasting

Something new to share with you on my cuckoo head concerning thought broadcasting...

In 2005, I started my blogging career because I was sick and tired of the thought broadcasting symptoms... like... I might as well broadcast thoughts myself if I am gonna be so delusional as to think that my thoughts are being broadcast (let along the everyday belief that people are recording my verbalized speech and words typed out).

This blogging version of thought broadcasting is more conservative though since I retain a faceless presence (though, if one really want to find my face, they surely can find it something associated to this google account... just donno why anyone would wanna work so hard).

Just occurred to me earlier that, in the past year or two or three, there has been some strange change in MO.

I do think-aloud... I think therefore I talk...  at large or not... beyond my control... of course... (unless simply some serious disruption in the function of the subvocal rehearsal mechanism.  period.)

Come to think about it... ain't that taking thought-broadcasting to a totally different level?  With the presence of the face, body, and everything else.

So what kind of implication does it have?  Given that it's real that the thought is broadcast with the presence of the mouth on the face running these thoughts etc, which partials the uncertainty effect out, what's to be handled is the core of the issues.  It's because when the core is addressed, the thought broadcasting symptom, my though broadcasting through my blog or durch my mouth... ain't no nothing gonna matter.

Am I sure?  Consider it as 賈雨村言 Jiǎ yǔ cūn yán la!

(Though, this self-talk thing reminds me of some thing I observed once every so often... When smoking at large, I see and hear every so often that kids or young adults would run their mouth out loud with comments... as if I were not there.  This remind me of what this pal had me said once about a similar scenario, something like... "How the parents teach their kids today... they'd better make sure they are not in the wrong side of the town.")



Ratology Reloaded: Delusional: How do I know that I am still delusional? This is a question I have to answer myself time and again... On a scale of 1 to 10, I score a 3 ...

Is that Venus on 6/24/2013?

Saw this big bright object after sun down around NWN tonight... albeit the constraints of my shaking hands (side effects of the med) and the aging grandpa Canon, I managed to find ways to capture this object...

Thought it was too bright to be a star (my bias) and almost too bright to be a planet...

Then, after all due diligence in my googling efforts, I found out in various sources that the unidentified flying object (UFO) to me could be Venus since Venus could be spotted after sundown in the NWN sky...

From Is that Venus on 6/24/2013

One thing that got me bewildered is... when blowing some pix up... I found out my intelligent technology called my grandpa Canon was seeing things I don't see... the purple circle in the center of the possibly known as Venus?

In the eyes of my grandpa Canon, it seemed to see the purple thing consistently.  One thing I wonder is... since all these pictures were taken using digital zooming, could it have something to do with the zooming... like my grandpa Canon is rubbing off on me and is starting to see things (Though I am down with hearing things only... 8-O lol 8-X)   Since these sort of reminds me of jelly donuts and the camera was starting to do the "change battery" thing. It's possible that the camera might be really hungry and started to see images of potential sources of energy.... unless... simply old age and need to get the eyes checked?


Or, this is what the possibly known as Venus should look like when blown up?

Tried to google this up but I don't have enough background knowledge to figure out what keywords to use.  At the same time, gotta say that I am really liking my grandpa Canon that's almost as old as my age as a physically-not-so-able.