That apocalypse thing

Walking down the street... or simply moving down the street...

I thought of the scenarios involved in my second major psychotic episode... when I was killed a million and a time...

There was the apocalypse.  I was in pain. Ouch...

And... Gott sei dank... the apocalypse was reverted. 8-O lol 8-X sigh

Insight

Strange state...

Still trying to learn to walk and blah blah blah...

No more psychotic then usual...

Depression is more of the dog nowadays since I am constantly and curiously finding the not-to-be moments earlier in the day and the not not-to-be moments later in the day... especially when my body condition ain't so good...  which leads me to wonder... does my depression have rapid cycling kind of bipolar disorder? Or, perhaps the recoverying process itself?  8-O

So I turned to zyngaing...

After many a day and a week of nothing but zyngaing, I finally came to this insight...

The most important thing in life is to have a good night sleep... regardless what it takes before you fall asleep....

And, Morgen früh, wenn Gott will... wirst du wieder geweckt... oder nicht? 8-O 8-X lol

Moody Blues - Tortoise and the Hare (1970)

Hall & Oates - She's Gone video

Loving this song...

Bobby Bare - 500 miles

Zoloft

I am finally back on Zoloft after giving myself some time to eventually finding out that I can't do it along this time.

In addition, it is better be a relatively happy psychotic handicapped than an incurablely depressed one... provided that shall the life expectancy is shorter... I don't have to worry too much about the failing of liver, kidney, etc as a result of the prescribed substances.... I guess...   8-O lol

Is it working?

Donno.

The next question to ask...

Why waiting so long?

Simple... I've got a beef with meds and guess this is why... 3 years ago, I took down down with meds.  8-O lol

Strange world

It is a strange state of being to be in really bad and constant nerve pain from head to toe... and surely put you in a bad mood.

If you don't believe in this statement, you are more than welcome to experiment it yourself... 8-O lol oops...

What is even more strange is this newly developed talent of mine...

Pain killers get my stomach upset and they don't take pain all away.  Yet, they do a very reliable job in making me depressed. 8-O

So everyday, I ponder to myself... perhaps, I should simply give way to all meds... upping pain killer, antidepressant and antipsychotic medications.

Would that solve the problem? 8-X

Normal people

I don't know how normal people thinks and I surely do not have the energy to entertain how they think nowadays...

One thing I am coming to find out is...

They surely think strangely and they must find me strange.  8-O lol

Change of MO: QoL

After shower last night, my ear started ringing like there is someone playing drums inside of my head... at least not like running a train station... I guess...

Yet, reconfirming this thought I have been entertaining recently...

I don't think that I will be able to handle too many more a round of da groundhog day kinda revelation.

Ain't no quality of life ... constantly in pain all over the body, feeling like the whole body exploding, more depressed than not, mobility problems, etc...

Though it isn't like it is the most inhuman kind of existence.  It is pretty inhuman... though one has to live it to understand it-- what I mean by inhuman.

I had once hoping to live a long and healthy life...

In recent days, so I think... scaling back...

God... no need to live long... in exchange, please entrap da groundhog and allow me to live a life relatively more functional.  C'est ça. 8-O lol sigh

This rat can't live more of my cous' day... 8-O lol

Although ain't like I aim to sell my life short... yet, life without "quality," to be honest, ain't to much of a life at all.

Though... I do live one day at a time, still, to see what the day after might unfold.... sort of like... like everyone else... 8-O lol sigh

The implication of chronic pain and physical disability

What might be the implications of chronic nerve pain all over and physical disability?

It put you in a really mad mood especially when you look at people without pain and moving so very swiftly...

And you think to yourself...

The pain kills but I won't die...

Oops... wasn't that the scenario of my delusions years back when I was killed many a time except for I was and am still alive? 8-O 8-X

Evaluation

Just finished evaluating some papers for a conference... for free... 8-O

Well, since it ain't like there is anything else more constructive that I can do, this is the least I can do, I guess... 8-O lol

There comes to a time when you get pushed back by each every of your move.... manifesting in things such as you keep on go back to the hospital scene.

No fun.

While recovering, you stall and feel yourself turning into a piece of rotten vegetable..... till... if you can hold on a bit longer... you can think to yourself... wow... maybe this rotten piece of vegi is what one might called... 泡菜 or pickle?

The upside of evaluation...