What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

All things included, having to live with this body and the head and the drug side effect while trying to push the book out, I am tired.

Suffering is the word I will use this time.

I lived through 8-9 months with thought broadcasting sysmptom because Seroquel at a dosage lower than 25 mg nowadays could already make my body jumping around, waking me up in the middle of the night finding my knees rolling up to my chest. Also, I had to work on the book.

When I eventually up the dosage even more to get the symptoms taken of, the bodily side effect got even worst. I couldn't sleep because of the bodily discomfort and the tightening up of muscles all over.

As a result, Abilify was added to treat the condition and to replace Seroquel. Unfortunately, the bodily side effect, Akathisia, of Abilify was even worst. I was so busy shaking my body and moving the body around that I could do nothing else at all.

Then, for weeks, I had to go through meds reduction and constantly coping with drug withdrawal. I started trying to taper off Seroquel only to realize at some point that the side effect of Abilify was even more unbearable. As a result, I had to gradually cut own on the dosage of Abilify and got off it instead.

In the meanwhile, the bodily discomfort was always there--the physical part of my minor inconveniences in life. I went to a neurologist and tried out meds like Lyrica, but it made me more sedated than anything else, and did not take the discomfort part away at all.

Worst of all, all these medication brought forth depression as well.

Amidst all these, based on my friends' feedback, I realize that the book was too long and I decided to split it into 3. Yet, it's simply too difficult to use this head under the influence of the medication and depression as well as the bodily discomfort.

All these lead to the question: What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

It also made me perplexed why no one cares to ask what the meaning of life might be.

Then, I revisited the following clip by Frankl. It doesn't answer the question but, at least, it tells me that I am not the only one bearing this question.

Quote of Francis Bacon

FRANCIS BACON

Essay 1. Of Studies. 

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.

Quote by Henry Longfellow

HENRY W. LONGFELLOW. 

A Psalm of Life. 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers, "Life is but an empty dream!" For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem. 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting. 

Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

The Light of Stars. 

Know how sublime a thing it is To suffer and be strong.

Quote by Philip James Bailey

PHILIP JAMES BAILEY 

Festus 

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a dial. 

We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.

Quote by Alfred Tennyson

ALFRED TENNYSON

In Memoriam. xxvii. 

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

('Tis better to have written the books which probably will not sell than never to have written them at all.)

Quote by John Keats

JOHN KEATS. 

Endymion. 

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

(Nice and simple words)

Quotes by Lord Byron

Lord Byron

Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, 

Canto IV (1818), Stanza 109

Man!
Thou pendulum betwixt a smile and tear

Stanza 185. 

And what is writ, is writ.
Would it were worthier!

Darkness. 

I had a dream which was not all a dream.

English Bards. 

'Tis pleasant, sure, to see one's name in print; A book's a book, although there's nothing in't. (lol talking about my books?!)

Don Juan. 

Canto xiii. St. 95. 

Society is now one polished horde,
Formed of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.

Quote by Thomas Moore

Thomas Moore

All That's Bright Must Fade

All that's bright must fade, --
The brightest still the fleetest;
All that's sweet was made
But to be lost when sweetest.

See full poem

.

Quotes of Walter Scott

WALTER SCOTT.

The Lay of the Last Minstrel

Canto ii. St. 22. I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me.

The Monastery. Vol. i. Chapter ii. 

Within that awful volume lies
The mystery of mysteries!

Quotes of Rubert Burns

Robert Burns

Scots wha hae (Scots, who have).

Let us do or dee

See full text in Scottish and English

Despondency. 

O Life! them art a galling load, Along a rough, a weary road, To wretches such as I!

See full text.

Quote of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

School for Scandal. 

Act iii. Sc. 3. 

Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; 

Here's to the widow of fifty; 

Here's to the flaunting, extravagant quean, 

And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. 

Let the toast pass; 

Drink to the lass; 

I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.

Quote of William Cowper

WILLIAM COWPER.

The Task

Book II, The Timepiece

There is a pleasure in poetic pains
Which only poets know. 

Variety's the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavor.

Conversation. 

A fool must now and then be right, by chance.

Verses 

Supposed to be Written by Alexander Selkirk.

How fleet is a glance of the mind! 

Compared with the speed of its flight, 

The tempest itself lags behind, 

And the swift-winged arrows of light.

Quote of Beilby Porteus

BEILBY PORTEUS.

Death, a Poem. 

One murder makes a villain, Millions a hero.

Quote of Thomas Gray

THOMAS GRAY.

On a Distant Prospect of Eton College. 

No more: where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.

(It surely is a shear folly to know what I know today. Why don't/can't I stay blessed?)

Quote of Lord Lyttelton

LORD LYTTELTON

Soliloquy on a Beauty in the Country.

Where none admire, 'tis useless to excel;
Where none are beaux, 'tis vain to be a belle.

Quotes of James Thomson

JAMES THOMSON.

THE SEASONS.

1. Autumn. Loveliness Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, But is when unadorned, adorned the most.
2. Winter. Cruel as death, and hungry as the grave.

Quotes of Edward Young

EDWARD YOUNG.

NIGHT THOUGHTS.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

Quotes of John Gay

JOHN GAY

FABLES. 

The Shepherd and the Philosopher.

Whence is thy learning? Hath thy toil
O'er books consumed the midnight oil?

Epitaph on Himself. 

Life's a jest, and all things show it;
I thought so once, and now I know it. (Can I borrow these words for my own epitaph?)

Quotes of Thomas Tickell

Thomas Tickell
On the Death of Addison. 

There taught us how to live; and (oh! too high
The price for knowledge) taught us how to die.

Colin and Lucy. 

I hear a voice you cannot hear,
Which says I must not stay,
I see a hand you cannot see,
Which beckons me away.

Alexander Pope's quote

ALEXANDER POPE.

AN ESSAY ON CRITICISM.

1. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.
2. True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, As those move easiest who have learned to dance.
3. To err is human: to forgive, divine.

Print it or no--Shall I apologize for my book? Copycat

On a day when the side effect of Seroquel has gotten ever strong, I managed to pull through The Author's Apology For His Book from Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan

Well, when I had thus put mine ends together, I shew'd them others, that I might see whether They would condemn them, or them justifie; And some said, Let them live; some, Let them die; Some said, John, print it; others said, Not so: Some said, It might do good; others said, No.

Now was I in a straight, and did not see Which was the best thing to be done by me: At last I thought, Since you are thus divided, I print it will, and so the case decided.

I think that there will be at least one person who says to me, "Print It."--who might be me myself.  

Encountering Bunyan's words, I might want to apologize for the mode and style in my upcoming books--even though I can't do work until the dosage down beginning tonight and I am feeling too unwell, with body jerking around and the head refusing to start, to even think of the books.

I shall admit that, reading writing so fine by Bunyan and the others makes me feel shy to pen down any other line. Writers! Pardon me for infringing the sacred place of writing with limited my words. But having to live through what I have to go through to come this far, the books will be finished, save they have to wait.

Shakespear's quotes

I find the following qutoes of Shakespear to my liking. No. I didn't not read through it all within a few hours. These are quotes listed in the free Kindle book Familiar Quotations (Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.)



TWELFTH NIGHT. 

1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 

1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Comparisons are odorous.

MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. 

1. Act v. Sc. 1. The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven, And as imagination bodies forth The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen Turns them to shape, and gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name.

MERCHANT OF VENICE. 

1. Act i. Sc. 1. I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano; A stage, where every man must play a part, And mine a sad one.
2. Act i, Sc. 1. Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing; more than any man in all Venice. His reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff: you shall seek all day ere you find them: and, when you have them, they are not worth the search. (Sounds like Shakespear is talking about me. lol)
3. Act ii. Sc. 7. All that glisters is not gold.
4. Act v. Sc. 1. How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

AS YOU LIKE IT.

1. Act i. Sc. 3. Cel. Not a word? Ros. Not one to throw at a dog.
2. Act ii. Sc. 7. And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe, And then from hour to hour we rot and rot, And thereby hangs a tale."
3. Act ii. Sc. 7. I must have liberty Withal, as large a charter as the wind, To blow on whom I please.
4. Act ii. Sc. 7. All the world's a stage And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts
5. Act iii. Sc. 8. Truly, I would the gods had made thee poetical. (Talking about me? 8-O)
6. Act iv. Sc. 1. I had rather have a fool to make me merry, than experience to make me sad.

TAMING OF THE SHREW. 

1. Act iv. Sc. 1, And thereby hangs a tale.

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

1. Act v. Sc. 3. Praising what is lost Makes the remembrance dear.

MACBETH.

1. Act i. Sc. 1. Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
2. Act i. Sc. 3. Present fears Are less than horrible imaginings.
3. Act i. Sc. 3. Come what come may, Time and the hour runs through the roughest day.
4. Act iii. Sc. 2. Duncan is in his grave! After life's fitful fever he sleeps well.
5. Act iii. Sc. 4. Stand not upon the order of your going, But go at once.
6. Act iv. Sc. 3. I cannot but remember such things were, That were most precious to me.
7. Act v. Sc. 5. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more; it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

KING JOHN.

1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale, Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

KING RICHARD II. 

1. Act ii. Sc. 1. The ripest fruit first falls.{60}

FIRST PART OF KING HENRY IV. 

1. Act i. Sc. 2. 'Tis my vocation, Hal; 'tis no sin for a man to labor in his vocation.

FIRST PART OF KING HENRY IV.

1. Act ii. Sc. 4. I was a coward on instinct.
2. Act v. Sc. 4. The better part of valor is—discretion.

SECOND PART OF KING HENRY IV.

1. Act i. Sc. 2. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.

SECOND PART OF KING HENRY VI. 

1. Act iii. Sc. 1. Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.
2. Act iii. Sc. 3. He dies and makes no sign.

THIRD PART OF KING HENRY VI. 

1. Act v. Sc. 6. Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; The thief doth fear each bush an officer.

KING RICHARD III

1. Act iv. Sc. 4. An honest tale speeds best, being plainly told
2. Act v. Sc. 4. A horse! a horse! My kingdom for a horse!

JULIUS CAESAR.

1. Act i. Sc. 2. But, for mine own part, it was Greek to me.
2. Act ii. Sc. 2. Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.
3. Act iii. Sc. 2. Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.
4. Act iv. Sc. 2. There are no tricks in plain and simple faith.

ROMEO AND JULIET.

1. Act v. Sc. 1. My poverty, but not my will, consents.

HAMLET.

1. Act i. Sc. 4. Let me not burst in ignorance!
2. Act i. Sc. 5. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
3. Act ii. Sc. 2. Brevity is the soul of wit.
4. Act ii. Sc. 2. Though this be madness, yet there's method in it.
5. Act iii. Sc. 1. To be, or not to be? that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them?—To die—to sleep— No more—and, by a sleep, to say we end The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to—'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To die—to sleep— {85} To sleep! perchance, to dream—ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
6. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
7. Act iv. Sc. 5. When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions!

OTHELLO.

1. Act ii. Sc. 1. For I am nothing, if not critical.
2. Act iii. Sc. 3. O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster, which doth make The meat it feeds on.

I haue ...

This nice quote from the bible should be the ending of the DWM book.

“I haue fought a good fight, I haue finished my course, I haue kept the faith.”
2 Timothy iv. 7., 1611 King James Version  

Thine own mouth

No wonder I run mouth on myself all the times ...

Luke xix. 22. Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee.

Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Locations 196-197). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Peal before swine

Never knew where the express "peal before swine" comes from ...

Matthew vii. 6. Neither cast ye your pearls before swine.
Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Location 172). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Thou knowest not what a day may bring forth

Guess this is why I have to stay in the present for it's true, though knoest not what a day may bring forth such as a chair collapsed under me in a meeting. 8-O lol 8-X

Proverbs 27 Boast not thyself of to-morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.

Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Location 135). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Who is the audience and why?

My friends' comments made me worried.

The book, even with DWM itself as a book, is too long.

Feedback from both sources resonates with a question I have been asked far too often: Who is the audience?

My answer now is: The audience is the research community. The purpose as getting the dataset published so as to reach those who might be interested in making use of the data.

I believe the dataset could do some help. It's just I won't be the person to analyze my own data.

Essentially, I am publishing DWM as a book in search of the people who can make use of it, find implications based on it, and help my fellows and I with it.

Come to think about it, from the beginning of my blogging era, what I have been doing is sending the SOS to all the researchers on psychosis on the planet and beyond.

"This is what I can offer. Please take what I can offer, turn it into Gold ... into real-life implications.  Help us, including me, and help us to help ourselves."

Can you hear me now? 8-O



From craving and meaning

Let me still be researchable.
Let me be that row in your dataset.
Let me be that dot in your analysis.
Let me hope that to be a useful dot in your sea of data. Outlier or not.
Let me give you the burden of understanding our collective being for I might have stopped kicking before we get to connect the dots.
Let you be my extended cognition to off set some of my meaning craving so that I could go back to my life working on deadlines to be made and tasks to be accomplished (including finding a good paying job and a rich husband who lets me use my money lol).

What differentiate a content provider and a writer?

It's God's honest truth that I really have a beef with my own writing--the more I read it, the more of "a beef" I have with it. I have no idea why I can't write elegantly like other people. Man.

Then, this thought came upon my mind: What differentiate a content provider and a writer?

The former contributes content and the later writes. According to a friend of mine who's a copyeditor, content providers are not necessary writers?

Good thing I never claim myself to be a writer since I am possibly a content provider who fails in the writing department.

Yet, even if I assume myself as a content provider, it still doesn't resolve the original issue of "why I can't write elegantly like other people." 8-O lol

Kafka-thou hast depth

Just listened to Kafka's Metamorphosis again as I was brainlessly inserting hyperlinks for the Kindle version of my book.

It's an absolutely powerful story in simple language (at least based on the English version).

My after-thought: Kafka, thou hast depth.

I have a dream: Some day someone will find value and help in the Ratology book.

If I thought the process of working on proofreading the Ratology book is tedious, I didn't know jack. The process of formatting the book to according to Kindle and Create Space standards, respectively, is a real killer--killing me softly with physical pain.

In any case, one thought I have in mind when silently enduring my suffering is: Will it help?

I have a dream: Some day someone will find value and help in the Ratology book.

When the day comes, I will have to thank that someone for making my dream comes true.

Please find below the full Table of Contents (that you won't find in the book itself).