Pain

Rereading my psychotic model about my own psychosis. I don't know where I got the stamina to come up with all them mumble jumble. It's painful enough to read and gives me a headache.

Speaking of pain, it must be really painful to cut the ear off. Ouch.

A self-portrait of Van Gogh.

Solian

The physical side effect of my dear Seroquel was really getting on my nerves, literally, and made my body jerking, twitching, etc.

So my psychiatrist add Solian to the cocktail. After experimenting for weeks, nothing traumatically tragic took place and physical side effects weren't as bad as they were used to be. As a result, I switched to Solian and Solian only.

During the time with Solian diet only, I also had nights with a reckless body stopping me from falling asleep. Already showing. Sigh.

Regardless, this is a new med and it would take some more time to see its longer term impact and side effects.

Dream

A beautiful dream I had today--I could work like everyone else.

After waking up, I could still feel what it was like being employeed and going about with my ordinary chore.

Half awaken, that dream remained enchanting and calmed me with joy and blissfulness.

More awaken, I saw the reality--a mental and physical handicapped left with just enough to be functional for 2-3 hours a day.

The image came to my mind when Vincent threw himself on the bed, "Why can't I be like them?" :-X

Ratology Reloaded: 10-pill night

Ratology Reloaded: 10-pill night: I am sick and tired of taking 9 pills every night and I can't stand it any more. As a result, I took 10 pills with Solian the alternative...

Actually, now there are about 16 or 17 pills to take night time. I have do it methodologically so as to not get lost in the sea of Meds. :'-D

10-pill night

I am sick and tired of taking 9 pills every night and I can't stand it any more. As a result, I took 10 pills with Solian the alternative antipsychotic.

Tomorrow and the week ahead will be the time to judge whether Solian could help with my psychotic symptoms.

Red Red Wine

Strange things are so common in my domain that they are but part of the baseline model for my everyday life. However, something exceptionally weird took place today and really caught more than my eyes.

I think I was reaching for my wine and the next thing I found was that my right hand pushed down the pint of water while the left, my wine glass.

In addition to the usual suspect called that chip in my head, there might be something pretty fucked-up neurologically. (Oops, pardon me for my language.)

Heat: Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 and Happy New Ye...

Throughout the years, I have become ever more intolerant to heat. The threshold of getting overheated today has dropped down to around 26-27 degree Celsius.

If exposed to "too much" heat, my entire constitution becomes flaky, feeling like the system was to break down any moment. I have to ship my behind to an AC-ed environment, getting myself refrigerated like some dairy product. In one extreme case, my body didn't start sweating until almost 20 minutes after I entered an AC-ed environment. Yes, sweating is only the beginning of a journey to get myselves back to be normally fucked up... "Oh, paradiso."

This extra minor inconvenience in life called heat makes it a bit more cumbersome to maintain myselves to be functional for about 2-3 hours a day.  Well, what else could I do? Live with it.

Then, earlier on, I realized that I missed two events two days in a roll in my event-less life.

"Did I miss the gathering to get drunk last Saturday?" I exclaimed to myselves and the tofu inside the head froze in the aftershock.

The stillness of the silent freeze was broken by this fleeting thunder of quantum coherence and somewhere on that vibrating tofu my psychotic model waved at me, "Bull's eye!"

Even more limited has been my limited capacity when "Not otherwise specified" soundered. (See page 17 in the linked file.)

Ratology Reloaded: Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 and Happy New Ye...: I have been talking about this book I have been working on.  Unfortunately, not too many a person has seen the ghost of it, not to mention ...

10-year anniversary for my absolutely unheroic whatever disabling accident

Escaped was my graviton, hypothetically, 10 years ago when a chair collapsed under my big fat butt.

It was on June 19th 2007 in NYC and already June 20th in Taipei. It ain't no nothing to celebrate about though give me a great excuse to drink up in the company of Absinthe and more.

Salute! À Votre Santé und carpe diem!

Day of Remembrance

Today is the Day of Remembrance for NASA's heroes.

https://www.nasa.gov/specials/dor2017/

It is 2:00 AM on February 1st in Taiwan while most places on this planet are still on Jan. 31st.

While I am not sure which day the official Day of Remembrance is, it doesn't matter because they are remembered everyday.

In the morning of February 1st, 2003, I was on the 8th floor of St. Luke's Hospital recovering from reverting the world back from Apocalypses one to many times. Then, we heard from TV that Houston had lost contact with the Columbia Shuttle.

In my world of alternative reality, I looked down at St. John whose top was blanketed with snow. I asked for help.

I tried to channel with whoever I could connect with on board of Columbia. I try to keep the connection open.

So the line was kept open and I tried my best to engage conversations with them and encourage them too pull it through.

"Hang in there. Try to hang in there. The search and help was on the way." I pleaded.

Time passed and the official statement was finally released on TV.

Debris were found but there was no trace of survival though the search would continue.

My pal on the other side of the line bid me farewell, "Now I have to go."

I could bring the world back from the apocalypses but there was nothing I could do to save the astronauts on the Columbia Shuttle.

"I am sorry. I am sorry. I couldn't be of more help."

One life. At last one life. That was what I asked for.

I knew. They might have a chance and the sad ending could be reverted if I wasn't so weak.

That day, concern and worry was on all my ward mates' face though there was no telling what was in their minds.

14 years later today, I grieved for these astronauts, those who I try to help saving, the same way I did when the communication channel dropped on the day of the accident.

Do I know now that the astronauts had no inkling who I was and am? Yes.

Do I know that I was a telepathic delusional with hallucination? Yes.

Albeit with all the insights, my regrets still get the best of me for one simple reason--it was life lived for me: a traumatic failure to bring them back safely.

My wish list for Santa

Today I came across this open source article with a glee. The inception of the study, the Northern Finland Birth Cohort 1966, is actually older than me--absolutely some rare (or the first of its kind) and hard to conduct longitudinal study.  8-O

As Santa is flying around delivering Christmas gift for the night, this would be the items on my wish list.

Let there be more studies alike and let people gain knowledge from sources alike.

Longitudinal studies don't come to fruition in one day though you might eventually get there if you take the first step .. like ... today.

Lifetime antipsychotic medication and cognitive performance in schizophrenia at age 43 years in a general population birth cohort: This naturalistic study analysed the association between cumulative lifetime antipsychotic dose and cognition in schizophrenia after an average of 16.5 years of illness. Sixty participants with schizophrenia and 191 controls from the Northern Finland Birth Cohort 1966 were assessed at age 43 years with a neurocognitive test battery. Cumulative lifetime antipsychotic dose-years were collected from medical records and interviews. The association between antipsychotic dose-years and a cognitive composite score based on principal component analysis was analysed using linear regression.

Science or STEM is very important

My head is wacko and I bow in front of the mental God.

One principle in my life is to entertain no nothing supernatural--especially I talk with God or Gods everyday and channeling with whatever I could channel with all the times.

Red alert! Add meds! You'd say.

I don't know that? I do. Except side effects kill me as much as the symptoms themselves. Catch 22.

After 2-3, whatever, years of daily writing and rewriting for the rewrite of the original book completed with far too many words in a volume, I finally dragged myself to the final chapter.

Then, suddenly, stop was the command issued by my cuckoo head.

I dived into the sea of natural science for the layperson ... astronomy, particle physics, neuroscience, etc.

Why does a layperson forsake the comfort of familiarity and step into the foreign domains?

My crazy head told me there were at least two reasons ....

I sound like a broken record to myself because I can come up with no nothing new with what's in my bandwidth. Learn something fundamentally new just as what some, if any, will do when reading my psychotic model book.

More importantly, time to be really grounded. Since the catch 22 is blatantly laughing at me in my face, science is where I have to ground myself so that I don't get pulled into the gravity free world of my alternative reality.

Yes.

Science or STEM is very important whether it has anything to do with what you do for a living or not.

(Come to think about it, what do I do for a living? lol)

Let there be cure please!

It always saddens me to see or hear people going through ever worsening psychotic episodes.

Though I am and have tried my best with limited my words, I know what I have done so far is so--simply nothing.

I had tried to let someone going through the onset know that the scary crowd that wouldn't stop judging her, what she was experiencing, didn't exist outside her reality. But it didn't help and it simply had to flow through its natural course.

I have heard of stories many a time... stories of how people didn't make it through a major episode (with my empirically tested guess). In their stories I would see the ghost of my past and life in the present.

How I wish to build a great wall to stop people from traversing the same path--the same unnecessarily inconvenient path I have to traverse. Unfortunately, the great wall I attempted to build could help no one for they would simply walk right through it--the invisible wall as I shout out loud on the other side, "Don't do it."

How else could I help people? As an individual, the alternatives are close to none ... with the "close to" the outcome of the build-in error in assessments.

So I figure ... if there is nothing to stop them from crossing over, whatever might be upstairs, let there be cure ... soon (as the real effective dosage in my treatment now is giving me more side effects than my body can handle).

My best wishes to those also undergo similar minor inconveniences in life--wherever you are.

Detour to Hubble Telescope et al--A reflection

For the past few months, my cuckoo head had decided to turn my head on the big world outside the earth.

Honestly, I know about the eclipses and stuff because that was the content used for my dissertation study.  Since the joint college entrance exam didn't include the subject of planetary science and astronomy, that third year class in senior high school was taken lightly. Also, I haven't touched physics after the joint college entrance exam.

So instead of finishing the final chapter of my book, my head told me, "You ain't got enough meat."

So it demanded and demands and so I went from looking at the pretty picture taken by Grandpa Hubble (Grandpa as in my grandpa Canon) to learning about how Grandpa sees the big out there and how what is seen is captured.

En route, I read a 400-page book about the basics of optics in astronomy, sat in a course on "Fourier Transformation and its applications," revisited my calculus textbook, found myself even more lectures online, and spent a whole lot of time on the Hubble Site.

Then, I found pictures comparing Grandpa's eyesight before and after the spherical aberration thing was fixed and upgrading from WFPC 1 to WFPC 2. There were comparisons of galaxies, star clusters, and so on. But, I had my mind a mission of completing a comparison for one star--Melnick 34 or MK 34.

I chose MK 34 because of the inclusion of an image taken by a ground-based telescope. There was ground, WFPC 1 and WFPC 2 images. All I had to do was to find an image of MK 34 taken by WFPC 3. Seemed simple enough.

Unfortunately, nobody seemed to be so intrigued by MK 34 since the time of WFPC3. Rather, the spot light was on the giant bright cluster near by R136 or the runaway star but not on our poor MK 34.

MK 34 is the bright isolated star to the left of the R136 cluster in the righthand panel. (As per Wikipedia)

 I should have found an easier topic. In contrast to a galaxy, star cluster, or nebula, it is far more difficult to identify one star among gazillions of God knows who they are.

In short, I went online asking around and the feedback helped me to nail MK 34 (circled in red).

This, then, allowed me to complete the revolution of MK 34 in the eyes of the beholder.

Comparison of MK 34--ground based observation, WFPC 1, WFPC 2, and WFPC 3 (IR on the left and UV, visible light, IR on the right)

Some time into learning how Hubble sees and captures what we see, I thought of the analog between my pursuit of capturing the dasein of psychosis in words. There is something similar. Unfortunately, time to sign off for my very long beauty sleep.

This program will go on--David Brown

[David Brown's] brother asked him several weeks ago what would happen if something went wrong on their mission .... David replied, 'This program will go on.' (See linked page.)

I was on the 8th floor of St. Luke's when the Columbia Shuttle was reported missing upon re-entering the earth atmosphere. It was February 1st, 2003. One otherwise ordinary Saturday.

There was still hope and the search went on. So they said on TV.

There was this choking air of solemness inside the psychiatric ward and nobody was laughing.

I finally connected with the crew members and told them to hold on till the rescuers to arrive.

"Hang on!" I stayed with them. "Do hang on."

On TV, the search was still going on as I looked outside the window. I stared at the snow covering St. John the unfinished, praying for a safe landing before getting reconnected with the crews.

The clock was ticking and the hope of their survival dwindled rapidly till the time came when all hope was lost and the bad news, released.

I stayed with them till the end ... till it was time for them to go.

I failed to help them despite my best effort.

Years later, when revisiting this unfortunate event, it occurred to me ... I might not be the only one channeling with them and trying to keep them alive. So might be any of my wardmates with telepathic capacity on that wing of the 8th floor, my distant wardmates in the other wing, and many many more unknown wardmates all around the globe.

I would never be able to imagine the grief and suffering their families must have gone through.

But, however it is perceived, we, the psychotics, tried to keep the crew members alive till they are found by the rescuing efforts--in our own worlds.

The Space Shuttle Columbia didn't make it to Hubble Telescope's fourth service mission in 2004.

But, as David Brown had it predicted and all on board would have agreed, 'This program will go on.' The fourth service mission to Hubble took place in 2009.

Why persist? (Darn, go and pursue happiness.)

It sounds funny from a depressive neurotic like me but people have to learn to be happy.

Either it's you who make the choices or the choices make you. Your choice is yours and, at the end of the day, you are the key maker to your own happiness.

So, pardon this two-bit nothing for not minding her own business, shut the F-up and move your behind to pursuit happiness, via professional help or not.

I feel like a piece of shit in the body, including the head, everyday. I slave away by my own constitution and had to be overdosed by 50 mg of Seroquel, flipping around like a freaking fish on a cutting board. I find a sense of happiness at some point in my day.

On the day when I had to wake up early to see my shrink and observe people's persistence to go against the path towards happiness, I have to shout it out loud, I am sick and tired of it all and I can't take it any more--why don't them people correct their own track and, Lord or Buddha or the benign universe or etc., go and pursue happiness! Wake up! Wake up! Don't they know they are witnessing themselves getting a bad haircut?

If this piece of shit could find a sense of happiness in the everyday things, how can anyone else with a far more functional body not able to do it?

OMG, I am the one who's psychotic and started my mental career as a depressive!

(Time for my daily meds.)

Meat

In the midst of finalizing a final chapter, I went on to learn about optics and Fourier transform.

One simple reason.

"You don't know jack and the writing ain't meaty enough." So said my head. 

Public toilet and bashful usage of dining room

For years, I have been searching for the title of a film that I watched years ago. All that I remember was people were very comfortable hanging out in the toilet but had to bashfully ask others to excuse themselves when going to eat.

No one seemed to recall this film including the friend who watched it with me.

As time goes by, I am starting to wonder whether it really was a film I watched.

Though, voila, today I found out it really existed.

It was Le fantôme de la liberté or The Phantom of Liberty by Luis Buñuel.

Public Toilet

Private dining

Engaging in unspeakablely shameful act called eating in isolation.

From climate change to psychosis

Great quotes I find in the following article: #Science is hard. Everything doesn’t just land on your lap.: Take OCO-2 for example.

But with OCO-2 (psychosis), “there is no validation phase, ... because the measurements have such sensitivity. You’re always validating. Constant validation is an integral part of ensuring the integrity of the dataset (perception).”

Holly Macaroni, this sentence could easily be used to describe the world perceived by a psychotic like me.

“after a year of alligator-wrestling, all of a sudden we can walk it on a leash.”

For me, after years of alligator-wrestling, my alligator has a leach on me. lol

Quotes from To kill a mockingbird

Quotes to my liking in To Kill A Mockingbird and, yes, I only got to this book at this age because I thought I was to see of film of the same title. 8-X

1. it’s never an insult to be called what somebody thinks is a bad name.
2. I wanted you to see something about her—I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand.
3. With him, life was routine; without him, life was unbearable. I stayed miserable for two days.
4. We were surprised one morning to see a cartoon in the Montgomery Advertiser above the caption, “Maycomb’s Finch.” It showed Atticus barefooted and in short pants, chained to a desk: he was diligently writing on a slate while some frivolouslooking girls yelled, “Yoo-hoo!” at him.
5. “That’s a compliment,” explained Jem. “He spends his time doin‘ things that wouldn’t get done if nobody did ’em.”
6. puttin‘ on airs to beat Moses.”
7. I said I would like it very much, which was a lie, but one must lie under certain circumstances and at all times when one can’t do anything about them.
8. Aunt Alexandra fitted into the world of Maycomb like a hand into a glove, but never into the world of Jem and me.
9. I understood, pondered a while, and concluded that the only way I could retire with a shred of dignity was to go to the bathroom, where I stayed long enough to make them think I had to go.
10. “he just has his blind spots along with the rest of us.”
11. As the county went by us, Jem gave Dill the histories ....
12. a view indicating a people determined to preserve every physical scrap of the past.
13. I won’t live to see the law changed, and if you live to see it you’ll be an old man.
14. “You couldn’t, but they could and did. The older you grow the more of it you’ll see.
15. Atticus said he didn’t see how anything else could happen, that things had a way of settling down, and after enough time passed people would forget that Tom Robinson’s existence was ever brought to their attention.

Valentine's Day

My Valentine's Day excursion has some kind of theme song of its own ....