The Nobody knows Phenomena

One thing that makes me feel really funny about my life here in Taiwan is that...

First of all, I have to hide out if I want to have a smoke...  After knowing that I smoke for all these years, my parents would not let our extended family and friends know that I smoke.

Second, apparently, nobody else other than my sisters and parents know that I am psychotic because they never let anyone else know and although it ain't like it is anything to be broadcasting about.

Well... it ain't like it is any big deal and it ain't like I want the entire world know that I am whatever.

The only problem is... the others... as in the code...

Essentially, everybody knows of my physical disability and my health that seems to have suffered a bit recently and quite often....

As for them, my taking a break from it all is to recuperate from the repercussion of my back injuries.

Not knowing, above and beyond that my back of mine, I also have that head to take care of....

So, the other day, I got a call from my aunt... she wants to help me seeking a professor job.

I told her, part time at this point, maybe...

I know where she came from... "Yet, you have to get back up again especially with all of your qualifications... although you do need to let your body recover better."

I absolutely agree with her on the point that I have to get back up.

And, I have heard gazillion a time how everyone thinks I should go to be a professor and hold a prestige job.

Except for, call it a crutch or a delusion, something tells me that I haven't reached that level yet.  Even if I push through, it might be the same kinds of outcomes unfolded in that short lasting job.... which I went through with despite of the feeling that my body and mind was not quite yet ready.

Well, there might be capable people who could keep on fighting and fighting of the blah blah blah associated with blah blah blah.

Today, I am no longer... let say... who I was 5 years ago... 8-O lol

Today, I want to admire those high achieving people with schizophrenia etc... saying... how wonderful and how incredible...

For myself, all I want is to have a job that will not be causing me health problem so that I don't turn myself into nobody's burden.

It was that day or maybe even before did I come to this realization....

Why is it everyone wants me to meet their expectations for me? 8-O lol

Would it be so bad if I come out and announce that I just want to be in remission?  Would it make them feel less stressful?  8-O 8-X lol

Anyways, tomorrow I will go and try out a tech support job... keep my fingers crossed... since all that I don't know, I love working with and on computers even though they do drive me nuts at times as well.... lol

Another strange form of reentry experiences unnecessary for ordinary people.

Of course, one can always say that... see, you are being tied up by blah blah blah...

Absolutely true... expect for... I guess... I have to live with myself... might be entitled to choosing the perceivablely lesser evil... at least at this point?

And, what job doesn't have stress, right?

Well, sanity or else... my choice...

If I can't keep myself in one piece, it won't do nobody good either... not including myself... lol sigh