I think I am gonna go get drunk

Looking at the results of the presidential election so far, I think I am gonna go get drunk tonight.... :'O

Bartender, a cosmo please.

New experiences

One thing I want to do before I stop kicking is to see the aurora borealis in situ.

That'd be some experience!

Before I get to do it, there are a few things that I have yet to experience in life such as getting a credit card in Taiwan.  Unless I win a lottery, I have to work and get a pay stub so as to apply for a Taiwanese credit card.  It is because I am damn annoyed that they wouldn't let me apply for a standard credit card even though most of the places I frequent in Taiwan do not take credit cards.  8-O lol

Something new I did for the first time today- this grumpy old hen voted in the presidential election for the first time and this is where I voted!

To all Taiwanese, you still have till 4 o'clock to cast that vote!  I was gonna say that please don't vote if you are going to vote for this or that party.  Yet, that doesn't sound quite like the democracy kinda thing.  8-O lol

Thus, regardless your preferences, cast your votes and don't forsake your voting right!

6 floors under

As I was monkeying around my business here, I heard people chatting in English 6 floors under, which reminded me of my room in Upperwest Side although I am in Taipei.

So I went... 8-X

Holy cow... Here I go again? 8-O

Then, I decided to walk to the balcony and looked down....

Gott sei dank.

There really are a bunch of people down there chatting in English. 8-O lol

The yawning psychotic

I had to get off early to check in with my psychiatrist today.  The older I get, the lazier I become, and, now I am just gonna outsource all things to the professionals especially when I am in a stage of trying to figure out how to reactivate my head without getting it overheated. 8-O lol

I told him that I took that good fall that finally made me full because I literally am sick 從頭到腳 (a Chinese expression meaning from head to foot).  I also told him that I somehow got a post-doc job and now I am doing research. 

"What was your doctor degree in?"  So asked my psychiatrist.

Well, though my degree is called in Instructional Technologies and Media, my adviser is a cognitive psychologist and I see myself more aligning with da cognitive psychology thing.

"Cognitive psychology?"  My psychiatrist seemed to find it intriguing...

So I explained, "Because my thinking is disordered, I want to know how people think." lol

Then, I asked yet again...

"I can't stop yawning.  If psychotics rarely yawn (unless, so they say, in the presence of neurological damages), why can't I stop yawning?"

"Maybe you don't sleep enough?"  So he asked.

"I yawn regardless whether I sleep too much, too little (or somewhere in between)."

So my psychiatrist suggested, "Do exercise, do yoga etc, maybe."

And I replied, "That's the time when I yawn the most when exercising and relaxing!"

Then, so inquired my psychiatrist, "Come again... what did they diagnose you with in the US?"

So I volunteered the following info again, as I have mentioned many a time in my writing, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder (though I have no doubt that I have hallucinations)...  Regardless, one Seroquel does it all regardless of the diagnosis while no doubt I am psychotic.

Though my psychiatrist, like all other doctors I had asked before, could not give me an answer about why I yawn so much...  I knew it but I simply had to ask the question.

Without saying much more, my psychiatrist made a final remark, the same remark my rehab doctor made when I saw him after the fall and a remark many people had me told, "Just don't fall again."

So I got out of the building and took extra precaution in walking... back to the ordinary world that everyone (almost) knew me and what I said.  I waited for the light to turn and... as I was waiting, back was yawning again.

So I thought, God knows, this yawning thing, whether that is even something worth pondering about other than it doesn't really make me look too good when walking up and down the street- yawning up a storm.  No wonder I can't find a husband... ain't my fault... all da yawning's fault. 8-O lol

Yet, still I have to ask... anyone out there have an answer to why this psychotic yawns so much?

Lessons learned

Just came back from paying my respects to this uncle of mine.

Guess, this is part of the getting old process-- to see the passing of people I know despite of my aversion towards it.

I had wanted to take my uncle and aunt to this restaurant after I get my check.  Unfortunately, he passed away before the check gets materialized.

The moral of the lesson: wait no more.

If you want to buy people food, buy it.  If people want to feed you food, eat it.

- for fear of missed opportunities as a result of the optimal divide: life and death.

Don't know how normal people would think-- this is how I think and that is a regret of my life and I will try to never let this kind of regret happen again.

Done second run: Down with meds after accident

Finally get down with Down with meds after accident, again, just now.

Didn't know that I would be able to pull it through since the contents... contents... a bit dense.

So it is... the ending music for the Down with meds era... as long as you are happy..



Next step?  Wonder whether there will even be a need for Down with meds before the accident except for... time to go nite nite.

(Now I know why this blog is called ratology reloaded... I think... 8-X lol)

Here I go again... again...

Back yet again to Here I go again.



Regardless how many times I have revisited this posting, it's still... how you put it... haunting, I guess.

Done with January 2008

Finally got done with January 2008.

Just started a full time job on Boxing day...

Among the job, the exercises and physical therapy, making sure I don't get myself in trouble in any other capacity, and, sleep, I really don't have much time per day allocated to work on the book.  Yet, I make sure I go through a bit of it everyday.

Just so happen, I took a good fall on new year's day and now I have to stay low for a bit till the ankle and the body heal a bit more...

Just so happen, as a result, I get a bit more time on my hand and I pushed through January 2008 today.... with that month ended with true and free expressions of insanity-- my dear words.

To be honest, the days going towards the Valentine's day of 2008, I still can't process too much of it per day, anyways.  It actually is a blessing that I get other kind of research topic to work on during the day time.

Call me useless... 4 years apart, still too close to home.

Yet, I am moving and moving on....

And, I will get it done. (God bless.... 8-X)

(Why do I want to get it done?  I don't know... I just feel I have to get it done.  Sort of like.. for years... I just had to blog and now I just have to get the book out...  It's just the way it is. 8-O)

God bless and sending good energy again

After I moved myself back home successfully and as I was telling my mom about the embarrassing trip, I saw on TV that another earthquake of  Magnitude 6.8 to 7.0 just struck under the sea south-southwest of Tokyo.

As I am getting my foot elevated to cut down on the swelling, I decide to post the water crystal clip again-- something I have intended to do since a while ago...

God bless all and those still living with the aftermath of the quake.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, wherever you are!

I was going to write some reflection kind of stuffs except for-- a change of plan since a benchmark of my life just occurred- one of the first major thing I accomplished on the New Year's Day of 2012.

Downtown Taipei on the side walk of the busy street of Zhongxiao east road, I took my first fall since June 19th of 2007.... It was an extremely ugly one because, when people rushed to help, I found myself landed on my back with the left ankle sort of sprang.

How did it happen?  I took a picture because I saw a beautiful star.  After I took the picture and when I was wondering whether any of the pictures would be good, I felt something funny on the step that I took- there was no floor 8-O- while the next thing I found was that I was lying on my back on the floor.

So it is the story of my life... no moderation... either too much or not enough. 8-O lol

Apparently, there was a step to get to the sidewalk- which I would have found any other ordinary days when simply focusing myself on walking.  Unfortunately, I might have become too cocky nowadays and was trying to do too many things at one time- namely, trying to think whether the pictures would be good and to walk at the same time.

So a few of the nice girls helped me up and I walked myself back home. As I am typing out this note while icing my ankle and applying heat to my back, so I thought... it might have been even worst.

Call me sick in the head but such is how I am determined to see it.

I helped participated in a marketing research study and helped a girl found the coins that she dropped on the floor right before the fall.  Believe it or not, you don't get the chance to help people everyday.

I choose to believe that I have done some good deeds and God will not let me get punished for good deeds yet again.  God will help me from now on. (Unless, God thanks that now my body is strong enough to take on a different form of injury? 8-O lol)

Of course, on my way home, my paranoia was having a field trip-- making me feel that everyone on the street knew what just happened to me.  The only thing I could say to myself was--

Dear, that was a damn ugly fall, for sure.  Yet, don't worry-- you have taken much more embarrassing falls before such as the one with easily over 100 eyes staring at you.  Don't worry.  This is only a pretty good "embarrassing fall"; yet, Micky mouse grade only.

At the same time, I already walk funny and use a cane.  Other than the pain in the ankle, how much more different would it be anyways? lol

So they say... have a good trip, see you next fall..

Now I had a good fall... I can start looking forward to my next trip, I guess?  8-O lol

And, of course, the lesson learned: stick to the KISS principle and forget about multitasking-- not to mention, mind thy own limits. 8-X

Despite a mighty embarrassing moment and some minor inconveniences on my ankle, one thing I can say now is--

I am full since now I am really sick from head to almost toe (sort of... and God, please leave my toes along) 8-O lol

Happy New Year!

Holiday's greeting

My friends, Happy holiday wherever you are!!

And, of course "Marry" Xmas.... OMG... My subconscious really wants to marry me off... unless, I shall marry Xmas? 8-O lol

Back to 空空

On my second iteration to get down to Valentine's day of 2008 again.... this round... trying to do some editing and, hopefully, dumping more texts out...

So I came across my 空空 post.... with its last sentence as following:

"Lord, is this the sign that I am gonna go 空空 noch ein mal..."

I burst out laughing (sometimes all that one has is a ggod laugh, I guess)... because, although I hate to be right, unfortunately, I am often right and that sentence-- bull's eye.

And, it goes without saying... I'd rather to have been wrong.  My.. oh... my... (So said the weather man-- Oh.. My sunset.. Oh.. My sunrise- from an internal story- not yet time- not yet visited- not yet told)

Birthday

I woke up all happy because it is my birthday today.

I don't know what I am happy about but I have been just so happy (better than the alternative, I guess)...

Or, ever since I have not been depressed, I have been walking around pneumocephalically happily with a idiotic smile anyways because I am not depressed? lol

Coincidentally, yours usually have nothing to do got lunch meeting and dinner meeting scheduled in one day...

My friend Lucy happened to come back to Taipei to visit from Shanghai-- she bought me food and drink and offered to draw illustrations for my book.

The just so happen also my birthday cake.

Another family friend has a birthday on Thursday while his family decided to celebrate it today.... making his birthday party actually for my birthday.

So--

I didn't do too much work at all today and didn't even get to do my share of exercise for the day.

I still can't shake that dissociated feeling of the reality being a galaxy away, which could mean- me being overdosed again.

Yet, I happily enjoyed a nice birthday, pneumocephalically happy as usual- Parsifal grade, with a just so happen also my birthday cake! 8-O lol

Hopefully there is something true in what they say...

Maybe life is finally turning around and I have done my share of minorly inconvenient days...

Happy birthday!  Wherever you are!  

That'd be nice- you all share my happiness!

Revisited: Down with Meds

I finally finished revisitingd Down with Meds-- ending my journey with 歡喜就好 (As long as you are happy).

The journey to go through it can not compete with the journey to go through it... Yet, still feel ouch ouch ouch... as I was plowing away trying to get done with it before I start working next week to make a penny or two... since I won't be able to dedicated all my time in it afterwards.

Right now... I am feeling this strange feeling in my chest... almost like a black hole-- sore-- ouch ouch ouch-- psychosomatization it is...

Yet, the good thing is...  now the shaping of the book has finally formed and I finally can see the tunnel although I have no idea when I will be able to see the light.

Would like to go visit St. John now except for it is 13 hour time differences apart.  A bit to far.... Annoying... I want to go to St. John.

Finally... here I go again...

Been waiting for this song to appear as I am plowing away in the dungeon of my own words... 8-X lol

And Here I go again... a song with some interesting meaning to my life so far...

Good day and good night!

Ordinary world

Time and again... I come back to this song... a song for you... and a song for the yester-me, too....(thank God that I am almost done going through my verbal diarrhea in the Down with Meds era... up to Jan. 22, 2008 now... too many words... I did it to myself... 8-X lol)

Department of Homeland Security

I have been making some progress shaping the book with my biggest accomplishment as shrinking the scope to as small as I can.

Still has a lot of room to move since I have only dumped out quite a small portion of my verbal diarrhea- gotta learn from my moving experiences and that for getting the dissertation out. 8-X

I was going to get rid of all materials related to the Department of Homeland Security because it has nothing to do with my health problems, and, come on-- it ain't no nothing to be bragging about the fact that I lived in the US for 13-14 years and still without a green card or even an H1-B....  8-O lol

Then, waking up in the morning, I had this moment of clarity.

All things can be thrown out--including all them writings trying to impress people with whatever I might know--- What a brag.

The DHS has to stay because, in addition to health, it was one of the main theme running through years of loading and reloading whether I like to admit to this reality or not.

And, while... I am nobody to the Department of Homeland Security..... again... really sounds like 單戀... no wonder I can't find a husband. because... oh, my DHS... wherever I am... you have my heart... ;-) 8-O lol

Yet another time when I dedicate this song to you... xoxoxo

(Sometimes I wonder whether I shall try to find a guy working at the DHS to get married to after serenading the DHS for all these years... perhaps... that's where my husband has been hiding at... Hello, hello, Husband, here I am!! 8-O lol)

Water Buffalo and yellow cattle

I have this vivid image in my mind...

My grandpa came up the slope accompanied by his yellow cattle (黄牛) which was pulling the wagon.

For the longest time, I somehow thought, well, since the rice field is watery and yellow cattle worked in the rice field, yellow cattle (黄牛) is the same as water buffalo (水牛).  Only to realize yesterday that water buffalo is not yellow cattle.

So I asked my mom about my grandpa's cow... the one I remembered...

My mom replied, "That one was yellow cattle.  You can't use water buffalo to farm the paddy fields because water buffalo love playing with water and, as a result, would not want to work."  8-O

台灣黄牛

I had no idea how valid my mom's statement was--- my uncle who really did quite a bit of farming might know better... lol

Yet, I took her words for it.

Regardless, my grandpa's cow looked like the yellow cow in the pictures... or maybe the color was a bit darker...

台灣水牛

And, after googling around, I found this picture where a Taiwanese water baffulo was plowing away in the rice field...

Wait a minute... ain't that Mr. water buffalo working working hard in the paddy field?

Guess my mom is wrong...  lol

Cow's stomach

Up to early today, I had the firm belief that a cow has 9 stomachs only to realize a bit earlier that cows actually have 4 stomachs (or, more exact, 4 chambers in the stomach)... not 9... What happened to the other five? 8-O

I absolutely have no idea where I got the number "9" from...

No problem... haven't I told you so many million and a time that I am a defectory fool. 8-O lol

And, ain't it nice to learn something new everyday if not unlearning the wrong?!

Your suggestions wanted

Been working really hard trying to get a book out of Ratology ever since I, out of nowhere, got sick on Black Friday, again, which makes it two years in a row to feel dead sick on Black Friday.

There are three reasons why I really want to get the book out:

1. So that everyone I know would know that I am psychotic, neurotic and a smoker. 
2. So that I can come up with a publication of some sort- to sort of filling the blank for the recent "yester-years."
3. Most importantly, I kept on having this delusional belief that I have to get this book out to unstuck my life.

At first, I was not quite sure why anyone in the right mind would want to buy a book with a whole lot of contents readily available to the public.  Yet, after I went back to read my own reading, I found myself a reason... because there were too many words and too much junk in between... 8-X

So far, I have changed the table of contents a million and a time- with the scope of the book getting smaller and smaller, which is a good time based on lessons I learned from my dissertation.  Not to mention that, if nobody wants to publish the book, I will simply do self-publication, and, based on my experiences with my dissertation, the fewer words, the fewer pages, and, the cheaper it is to print the book out.  8-O lol

Although part of me can't help asking this question, "Is it a good idea to publish a book like this before I secure a job?"  Keep it real.  Don't even know whether I can sell more copies of the book than my last book called dissertation.  Something less than 10 copies sold.  lol

Although I hardly get anyone to come to this blog based on google stats, and, one of the postings people landed on most frequently nowadays is No comment, would love to hear from you on what this book could be other than showing me your "no comment" by visiting the "no comment" post (I get visits to the "No Comment post almost every other day- a post which I can't even locate myself in the dungeon of Ratology Reloaded-- at least, not until I did a google search using the keyword "No comment ratology"). lol

Thanks.

Ratprincess