Am I creative?

I had a dinner with an artist, a composer and a artistic psychologist today.

Since I am nothing artistic, I told them frankly so when they were brainstorming about how an exhibition could be laid out in an art gallery.

At some point, my friend the psychologist asked me something like... "How are you creative?"

Took me an extreme amount of tangential thinking to get to the answer that... (within context of another discussion topic people at the table were engaging in: the trade-off between diversification and specialization in their professional development)

Sure, I am not like artists who can create art and musicians who can compose nice music...

One thing I had was diverse training, if not backgrounds. Although now I have scaled it all back into one single dot (DWM) and leave all other diverse background slacking around, I can still draw references from them departments of "hanging there doing nothing" when needed.  That ability to draw references from the departments of "hanging there doing nothing"... shall there be anything creative about me... maybe that's how I can be considered as creative? 8-O

So... in a nutshell, what I see as an indicator of my creativity is the ability to retrieve prior knowledge stored in long-term memory?  (A revelation unfolded ours after the end of my tangential thinking... 8-O lol)

Psychosomatization buster

I was in the PHD (pile high and deep) grade of a piece of crap state yesterday...  the head on the dark side of the moon and the body in extreme discomfort... all tensed... could barely move... drastically different from the day before... when I happily got back to my walking routine after recuperating from them miserable days with da sinusitis and associated upper respiratory problem.

What happened?

That mother of mine who just had an operation to remove Cataract Friday afternoon won't stop trying to bend down and lift things... including taking the garbage out which involves opening that heavy metal door... while I was sleeping or while I went out for 2-3 hours for physical therapy.  I kept on telling her to stop but she kept on insisting on doing things her own way...

Finally I blew up big...

I don't get mad usually... partially because when I really get really upset, both my body and mind suffer... and really suffer.  My folks are my Achilles' heel, 99.9% of the times, shall there be sudden change in my bodily condition, no doubt... it would have something to do with my parents... and chances are... something to do with their well-being.

So I blew up and go REALLY mad... 氣死, 氣死, 氣死啦!!!

Then, it feels as if my body was blowing up like a balloon with Qi building up without any release... from head to toe... bloated, bloated, and bloated... as if I were to explode.  While in extreme discomfort, I also couldn't keep myself awake... So I took a short nap... only to find out after I woke up that my entire left side spasmed so bad that the body was bending towards the left side... and... the entire left side was semi-paralyzed (unless my mom got me so upset that I had a stroke, sounds familiar... left side semi-paralyzed)... I couldn't lift my left hand and leg.   When trying to get to do my physical therapy, I had to take many a stop because I got tired and out of breath so easily.  And... the way I walked... it was more like I was constantly swinging the left side of my body forward... though I did get my therapy done and got myself home.
To wash hands, I had to use my right hand to lift my left hand.  To get into the bathtub, of course, I had to use my right hand to lift my left leg...  Yet, so I thought... as long as one side of my body works...  at least I could still take my clothes off, take a shower and manage to put the clothes on...

So I went to bed early... by 10 o'clock... only to wake up 4 hours later... wide awake... not able to fall back to sleep and in pain... with severe nerve pain literally from head to toe...  I decided to get up, put some body cream with Lavender essential oil on, and, later, took an Alleve.

Waking up this morning, the left side was still weak but far better than how it was yesterday... Then, after some of my swinging thing (which I couldn't do at all yesterday), I took my less-crappy sory body to see my rehabilitation doctor.

I told him what happened and I couldn't get the Qi in my body to flow because it was too stalled.  The doctor took a look at me and was in agreement with me...

After I laid on my stomach, he did something on my left hip and right hip like what the bakers did in the Japanese anime 烘焙王 (Yakitate!! Japan)... kneading the dough... 8-O lol

After I got up, I felt... much relaxed and Qi flowing down...  I walked in to the clinic with a flavor of a limp, I walked out... less limping and, as I kept on walking on, trying to relax more, I walked better and better...

What I have described so far... after getting all upset, the body became immobile and suffered excruciating nerve pain... you can't get a better psychosomatic example than this... no doubt... psycho (upset) leads to soma...

Since what happened to me is, no doubt, the manifestation of psychosomatization and it took my doctor 2 minutes to get it resolved, so I thought on my way home... observing that the weakness on the left side gone and my getting back to, not limp, walk,...  that should make my doctor the psychosomatization buster... whether you buy in the concept of Qi or not... or you consider it a manifestation of self-fulfilling prophecy or not... (and, of course, the effects might not last too long if I continue with my  "氣死, 氣死, 氣死啦!!!" routine... In a sense, sustainability is dependent on the patient la!)

Pain perception and Psychosomatization

When doing my physical therapy, I chatted with this neighbor who was, apparently, very much in pain and is leaving for the US tomorrow.  Somewhere along our chit-chatting... the notion of relaxing and ignoring pain came up.  Since she had to go, I didn't have the chance to clarify fully with her what I had wished to convey, and since the thoughts have already emerged, I might as well share it with you... some notions I might have spoke of... buried in the scarily huge amount of limited my words... 8-X

When she revealed that she was advised to try to relax, I also suggested to her that when the pain is manageable, it would be good for her to try to learn to focus on anything other than pain (though I have no idea whether things outta my mouth were interpreted in accordance to what I intended to express during our chit-chatting).  

Since somewhere out there and someone else might be going through the issue of coping with pain and discomfort, I decide to come back to the topic again.

Regardless, somewhere during the chit-chatting, the notion of in your head arise... which, inevitably, reminds me of the notion of psychosomatization.

Let me speak of pain first... it is my believe that among the multidimensionalities of pain, there should be one dimension labeled as "manageability."  Some pain is more manageable than others-- I know it because the aches and pains I have to endure today is far more manageable than what I had to live with years back when the body was in ground zero... after the accident in 2007 and after the chiropractor's manipulation in 2010.  For most people suffering from excruciating pain that takes out the full control of cognitive processing, with proper treatments and therapeutic interventions, the day shall come when unmanageable pain becomes more manageable... at some point.

Personally, after the pain becomes more manageable, it becomes much easier to focus on something to distract myself from bodily comfort, and to practice the art of ignoring pain. (Sounds almost like the notion of ignoring my psychotic symptoms... so it is... the story of my ain't-no-nothing-new-ever-happen life. 8-O lol)  When the time comes for the pain to be manageable, you will know.

I always remember, one day, how my disability coordinator at worker's com said... something like... "You might just have to live with the pain" since that's what many others do.  I was absolutely upset by the notion of "well, just live with that pain" while I can't stop asking myself... "Could it be true that it is me too lame to live with the pain that no one else have problem living with?"   It was not until the pain finally became manageable did I understand that it is possible to live with the pain... except for... it was not until when the pain became manageable to me did I realize that... yes... I might have to live with that pain and I think I can live with it.

So, how does relaxing have anything to do with anything?

When people are stressed, they feel tensed... psychologically and physically.  Think about it... if my nerves are already impinged, what good would it do for the surrounding tissues already two-tents?  Make it three tents, I guess?  Unless enough tents to build a village?  This is why the experts recommend again and again--telling us to relax.  At the same time, though I am no big proponent for pain killers--since I have surely had my share of quota and suffered from it-- when I sense the conditions are to go beyond the level of manageability, I would pop my pill of Alleve to prevent things from escalating.  Yet, relaxing is an art... an art I yet have to learn to master and I don't know whether there would come one day when I will learn to truly relax.  Yet, since it is my own body and my own suffering, who else is to work on it... I guess?

Next in line... it's all in your head... Of course, it really is all in your head since it is your head that performs pain perception.  In addition, them neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine all have been found to work for the department of pain modulation.  Also, organic changes in brain structure been found in people suffering chronic pain.  The only thing I can say about it's all in your head is that... accept it!  It surely is all in your head! 8-O lol

What about that good old notion of psychosomatization?  Psycho and soma are, beyond a doubt, interlinked... sort of like... the serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine in the pain modulation department are the same serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine contributing to, for instance, my private mental department.  Thus, there is no doubt that psycho affects soma and vice versa. (Gotta say though... whether my mental model of psychosomatization is the same as others' mental model of psychosomatization...)

Sounds like more bad news than good news I have been sharing so far...

OK... now I have run through my facts... Yet,  facts are all good but insufficient because what is most important is to say, given the facts, so what can can be done to live when all possible organic changes have incurred or there is nothing organic and when all is but psychosomattic?

For me, personally, it took me years of living with what I have and what I have to live through to come to the following way of thinking... regardless the cause... all psychosomatic, all organic or the combination of both psychosomatic and organic...  Take the extreme scenario for instance... like what my friend Jan had me told when this neurologist speculated the diagnosis of "conversion disorder"... "So you have conversion disorder but what can they do about it?"

Unterwegs zur recovery... face the reality that if you are in pain and in unbearable pain, you are tensed and it surely is mighty difficult for you to relax!  Quit lying to yourself that you are already all relaxed!  Also, accept all possible causes as it is (like... already got done with it many a blue moon before yesterday) so that you can stop worrying whether it is all in your head and it is all psychosomatic with the purpose of accepting it all being--getting rid of the impact of such notion so that you have less to worry about and be more relaxed (rather than accepting it all and continue to worry about its implication).  Thereafter, dedicate your  focus on what you can do to help yourself get better, feel better, and be more relaxed--do the right things you can do one day at a time.  Like what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said...

At the same time, having pain not corresponding to anatomical evidence? Check out... Beyond size and sensation... lol

PS. I know, I know... I have discussed the same notion too many a time... almost like a broken record already... 

In Proust's eyes--Françoise and her headless chicken

For years, I spoke of Françoise and her headless chicken de Proust--sheer memory sur la recherche du temps perdu.

So I decided to find out whether it was true that Françoise put off a fight with her headless chicken... (the only one thing I recall from the limited amount of Proust I have managed to read so far in my life) and so I found...

When I went in, I saw her in the back-kitchen which opened on to the courtyard, in process of killing a chicken; by its desperate and quite natural resistance, which Françoise, beside herself with rage as she attempted to slit its throat beneath the ear, accompanied with shrill cries of "Filthy creature! Filthy creature!" it made the saintly kindness and unction of our servant rather less prominent than it would do, next day at dinner, when it made its appearance in a skin gold-embroidered like a chasuble, and its precious juice was poured out drop by drop as from a pyx. When it was dead Françoise mopped up its streaming blood, in which, however, she did not let her rancour drown, for she gave vent to another burst of rage, and, gazing down at the carcass of her enemy, uttered a final "Filthy creature!"

Proust, M. (1966). Remembrance Of Things Past. Vol. I. Swann's Way  http://www.gutenberg.org/: Project Gutenberg.  Retrieved from http://www.gutenberg.org/files/7178/7178-h/7178-h.htm 

Quand je fus en bas, elle était en train, dans l'arrière-cuisine qui donnait sur la basse-cour, de tuer un poulet qui, par sa résistance désespérée et bien naturelle, mais accompagnée par Françoise hors d'elle, tandis qu'elle cherchait à lui fendre le cou sous l'oreille, des cris de "sale bête ! sale bête ! ", mettait la sainte douceur et l'onction de notre servante un peu moins en lumière qu'il n'eût fait, au dîner du lendemain, par sa peau brodée d'or comme une chasuble et son jus précieux égoutté d'un ciboire. Quand il fut mort, Françoise recueillit le sang qui coulait sans noyer sa rancune, eut encore un sursaut de colère, et regardant le cadavre de son ennemi, dit une dernière fois : "sale bête ! " 

Proust, M. (1966). A la recherche du temps perdu. Du côté de chez Swann  http://www.gutenberg.org/: Project Gutenberg.  Retrieved from http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2650/2650-h/2650-h.htm 

Comma, no comma in "Philosophy Scholar XYZ ABC"?

Didn't not intend to stay up so late-- actually, intended to go to bed earlier today.

Yet, yours styleless and Missy Bad English got stuck with this question about a specific usage of English punctuation, and finally got it resolved after 4-5 hours of studying the Chicago Manual of Style online...

"Comma, no comma in 'Philosophy Scholar XYZ ABC'?," which is posted in my "Research Kinda thing in Ratology" blog (Does it even exist? 8-O lol)

So they say, easy come, easy go.

Also, 4-5 hours to get to this answer, guess it's gonna be pretty hard for me to forget this rule! 8-O lol

Can't believe that I got it.... 8-O

Time to go nite nite.

First major project for 2013 accomplished: got to the toilet

Today I got the first big project for the new of 2013... I got to the toilet.  8-O

And, no ordinary toilet but the Modern Toilet... lol



What is significant about this toilet in comparison to any other toilets I frequent on a daily basis- other than it is actually a restaurant?  One step at a time, I- go go go... allez allez allez... with hands moving around helping me move...  I walked all the way from the area of Sogo Department Store in the East district （東區） to the West district （西門町） without the cane.  It took me only within 1.5 hours to cover the distance of 5.1 KM or so- not to mention the stairs I had to climb up to get to this restaurant on the second floor and on time!

I had thought that I might not be able to get this project accomplished to get to the Modern Toilet because I got out late and may not be able to get there by the meeting time.  Yet, I did it!

Though might need to treat my body with the Epsom salt bath tonight... the first major project for 2013 I accomplished today!

(Related post in Ratology at Large: Today I got my own behind up to the Modern Toilet)

My rehabilitation doctor

The recent times are some times with benchmark after benchmark...

In addition to walking diligently rain or shine almost ever day for all these years, I also go to do my physical therapy religiously.  As a result, I would upset my body once ever so often given the extended workload to the body and have to send the even more beaten-up-truck state of body into the shop to get it repaired by my rehabilitation doctor.  8-O lol

A rehabilitation doctor I highly recommend shall you be in Taipei!  

http://www.drhsu21.com/

A loose cannon losing the cane

Today marked the first day for this loose cannon to lose the cane....

Though I have been practicing for weeks if not months to walk my cane instead of walking with the support of my cane, it remained buzzard to walk down the street without the cane in hand and it remains to be more effortful.  As a result, I cut down on the distance I traversed today to accommodate the change in my routine as per da Purta Plata Principle.

Three reasons why walking seems to be more strenuous without the cane:

1. When carrying a cane and even without using its support all the times, it provides a sense of security when walking.  As a result, the simple fact that the cane is not there when needed (which happens) makes me feel more tense and, I guess, makes the body more tense as well.  
2. The aforementioned psychological factors do have its basis in reality.  Though nothing skinny, I can be easily knocked down when people brush through me because I do have problems with motor control.
3. After using the cane to help me walk around for the past two years, I think the body has developed the "caned" habit.  The body is having confusions on how to walk.  8-O lol  I would simply have to give the body its time to find its path to walk.

One thing different I know between my losing da cane last round in 2008 and this time is that... the bodily structure has changed further and it would take far more work till... hopefully, one day the day will come, shall the day ever come, when I can walk again like how I walk post-June-19th-2007 accident and prior to Jan. 7th, 2011 when, noch ein mal, the body got reset to ground zero.

Whether the day will come or not, that's not my business now since- what good does it do for me such to entertain?  To stop me from working better at walk simply because it might be a dream never to be fulfilled?  I do know that I have to proceed with cautions.  In addition, the next phase... living with semi-invisible disabilities and the ensuing unfolding....

It's only the beginning of a new beginning.  The never-ending pursuits in life!

Yet, without the cane, today at large I walked!

Puerto Plata principle

Actually, other than my finally climbed up to the top of my world (8-O lol), another benchmark I am getting closer to is to get done with the lingering thought broadcasting symptom.

Regardless, delusional as usual.  If things coming out of my mouth is recorded as per da reality in my imaginary world, they'd be listening to two things that keep on getting repeated like a broken record.

"Stomach" and "Puerto Plata principle."

Stomach?  A reminder for myself to use the stomach muscles when moving.

"Puerto Plata principle?"

When I was in the resort of Puerto Plata, DR., there were open bars everywhere and they even come to restuff alcohol in the refrigerator on a daily basis.  A drinker's paradise!

The only problem was that it wouldn't be too much fun if I get too boozed up and wake up with one of them hangovers that last for days with me religiously worshiping the porcelain God by giving back everything I consume.  As a result, I had to be disciplined with my drinking- drinking enough to get the money's worth  yet not so much that I would wake up with a huge hangover.  It was an art to appropriate and an essential art to keep on drinking.... 8-O lol

So, during my recovery process and still, every day, when I find myself having the propensity to push and push even more, so I say to myself... "Puerto Plata principle."

Benchmark!

For the past few months, I have been working on da unterwegs zum losing the cane.  After getting better walking on "flat surface," I switched the emphasis of my training on slopes in the past few weeks... starting from observing how normal people walk on slopes and their postures.

The conclusion I draw from observing how normal people walk and trying to do the walk myself is that- when doing the slopes, the thighs are placed in front of the remaining of the torso and the torso has to be adjusted to the "right" angle (some kind of leaning forward) so that the center is located appropriately to make moving more ergonomic.  It is also not necessary for on knee in the front leg to be straightened before moving the one in the back forward.

In addition, I have to keep on reminding myself to use the stomach and leg muscles to help me move.  Another curious observation I made one day is that, when doing the slopes, the body does not adjust its own posture automatically and I actually have to use visual input to adjust my posture.

So I did my slopes... starting from the slanted surface possibly unobservable to the common people without the support of the cane..... adding more distance, speed and steepness gradually... till today, I conquered the slope at the Taipei Arena leading up to the south entrance without the cane!

So, I got up to the top of the slope... feeling like what Rocky might have felt when running up them stairs.... though all that I did was-- not counting the passersby- all along and moved my fat butts up da slope.  8-O lol

The benchmark had shifted gradually throughout the time.. starting for the first pole, the second to all the way up to the top.  Yet, what is accomplished today is one of the grand benchmark I set for myself!  Though I had not gotten the goal accomplished by the new year's eve.  3 days kinda variance?  Gladly accepted!

After this, awaiting is the cane-less walk!

My biggest accomplishment of 2012

Been working hard on the loosing da cane effort... with the past few weeks focusing on doing slopes without using the support afforded by the cane.  Because of the holidays, for 3 days, I had not been keeping up with my walking and doing da slope routine.

Yet, when going back to da really steep slope by the RT-Mart today, I realized that.. "man, still got it."

So it is... my biggest accomplishment of 2012, getting myself to the state that I can do this slope without da cane de moi.

Brova!

Fireworks at Taipei 101: Happy New Year!

Got myself to join the crowds by the intersection of Zhongxiao East Road and Guanfu South Road and saw a closer view of the fireworks at Taipei 101 although I usually try to avoid crowds huge as such.



Just so happen, because I posted the uploaded click on facebook while giving people my new year's wish, my friend Marc performing in Taipei realized that I am actually in Taipei. 8-O lol

The haphazard nature of life- and my no-one-knows-where-the-heck-Ratprincess-is existence.  8-O lol

Happy New Year wherever you are!

P.S. Today, I walked down to see the fireworks and back semi-cane-less- going almost as functiona as my grandpa Canon PowerShot A570 IS- though no nothing topnotch... 8-O lol
(This is cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large)

The rite of passage

Took on another translation job and also in the history domain...

I think the task of translating is a really strenuous task and a great learning opportunity since you have to really understand the ideas in one language before representing it in a different language.

Back to the key point.... what I learned from translating these articles in the domain of history... 20-20 hindsight after and only after getting done with the rite of passage for development in all capacities- perhaps?

Peanut brittle

My friend came to visit and I tried to show him around town... At some point, I was trying to explain the dessert originated from the town where I was born...


I was trying with all my might to explain that one of the ingredient for the dessert was made of caramel and peanuts...  with that thing looking mighty like this...

The discussion might have got a bit loud between the two of us... and these two nice English speaking girls came over and said... "It has ice cream and peanut brittle inside."

To be more exact, it is a dessert sort of like a wrap with ice cream and shaved peanut brittle inside.

Back at home, as I was clicking away with my Bejewel blitz... I came to my mind... "Peanut brittle?"

Might have heard of this term but it has never been in my dictionary. lol

Gotta thank the nice girls from introduce this word into my dictionary.

Next time when I give people a tour in Taiwan and see the same dessert, I will be able to explain to them, "That dessert is sort of like a wrap with ice cream, celantro and shaved peanut brittle inside."

How did I get there?

My life so far is strange...  above and beyond all things strange about me myselves...

Was thinking about how I get to many places that I got to...

In addition to getting to the petroglyph.. en route of  da Volcano in the distance and the discovery of da tourist information both later on down the hill.

Then I thought of how I got to have my internship at 市療.  My grades weren't impressive enough and I was only on the waiting list.  However, I was leaving for Vancouver and I didn't want to rush too much- not to mention that it was my first choice.  So I went and pleaded and somehow I got to have my internship at 市療.

Not to mention my being the first exchange students from my college to UBC... I don't know how on earth I got selected but I surely am happy that I was selected....

And, that's Goethe institute... I heard of it so many a time but it seemed to be beyond my budget.  Just so happen, I applied and I got the stipend to go study German in Regensburg....

Also like- as I was mindlessly clicking away on Bejeweled Blitz, pondering about the above notion and thinking to myself-- so ist das leben... good and bad luck- all balance out.  Just so happened, the score hit the 108K and more and hit the 100K benchmark.

How did I get there?

Have you ever pondered-- the how-did-I-get-there phenomena? 8-O

Nobody's gonna buy

Had a smoke as I arrived at the turning point of my daily walk...

These two young kids walked by and said something like, "Nobody's gonna buy."

Nobody's gonna buy the book?

A notion valid in both the reality and my delusional reality.

Immediately I thought of the commercial Jeremy Lin did for Volvo...


So the commercial ended with this statement in Chinese, "我是林書豪。我超越的是我自己。" (I am Jeremy Lin.  I surpass myself.)

So I thought and think... I am Ratprincess... I surpass myselves and beat my own record...

Also... less than 10 copies sold for my first book... da dissertation... A theory-based usability study- and never cited, I think.... 8-X

Yet, think I have, so far, identified at least 10 friends to buy the DWM book, which yet has to find someone to publish.... Regardless, should be sufficient in surpassing my own record?  Surely much easier to be Ratprincess than Jeremy Lin. 8-O lol

Go Jeremy Lin!  Go! Go! Go!

What I learned from my first-time translation experiences

One thing important I learned from my first experience in translating an academic paper, after all the years, let along the writing style, I still have problems with simple grammatical issues such as:

1. the book described or describes, has/had described
2. the definite article "the": national history(-ies) or the national history(-ies)
3. plural/singular and un/countable nouns: mutual understanding or understandings), 
4. prepositions such as "on," "in," "of, and "for" at times.

For instance, "The book described/describes people's mutual understanding(s) of the national history(-ies).

What does it mean in the context of all the writings done in the reign of Ratology?

Mindless writing, especially in the form, surely has not much bearing in the improvement of writing skills and the understanding of the language usage. 8-X (Ouch.. this b from hell surely is harsh... 8-O lol)


Ratology Reloaded: First time experience- translation: In my much younger years, I used to proud myself for being bilingual- only to realize after I came back to Taiwan that- me ain't so good in...

The blog that no one reads...

At around noon, when I was plowing away with the translation task, I checked the blog stats...

Oops... over the rooftop kinda deviation from the norm.... so to speak... 189 hits in one day while the total pageviews was 911 last month.

So I thought, though I get no autobot on me to visit, I surely had quite a few visits from the bots- automatic as well.... 8-O lol

First time experience- translation

In my much younger years, I used to proud myself for being bilingual- only to realize after I came back to Taiwan that- me ain't so good in Chinese composition no more... or, to be more exact... I've never written an academic paper for publication purpose in Chinese in my entire life...

Recently, yours handicapped in the body and in the head ying-ying-mei-dai-zi grade of unemployed workaholic (such way to replace "I" or "Is" is surely dasein-ish... Love it! 8-O lol) took on a part time job to translate a paper on the topic of history.

I have done translations before but was never at the scale of 23000 Chinese words... with a whole lot of terminology-- so to speak- to me- unheard of.

In the process of living through my first time experience in the department of translation.

So far, what I figured after the over 13000 words translated....

The process of translation is like what I do when trying to clean up my room- a whole lot of moving things around.

Ratology Reloaded: First time experiences- Bought!

Refrigerator is finally here...

The gentlemen who brought it in really beam like a beaver and zoom like a Cadillac... Wow... Admiration.

I haven't even finished reading one paragraph on the computer... they already got the old refrigerator out. 8-O

Was gonna buy it myself since I have never bought no refrigirator in my life.  Yet, my sister wanted to chip in and I said... fine.  8-O lol



Ratology Reloaded: First time experiences- Bought!: The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decid...

Preface for Down with Meds- A revelation of Ratology

When I first wanted to work on a book on my health condition, depression was the label I had with panic disorder the side dish.  The older I grew, en route to the collection of an academic credit or two, and, one diploma or two, I collected as well a label or two, if not more. 

At the same time, in the beginning, I had wanted to work on a fictional story- through the story of a fictional figure my own story to tell.  Later, after I documented my life all the way into the psychiatric ward through the first person narration, I wanted to analyze the texts and turn it into a methodologically sound qualitative study.  At the end, I decided to simply let who I was speaking for herself- in good times, in bad times and everywhere in between- with the preferred bad English of my own- a combination of vernacular, faux Archaic English and more.

While I might not be able to dazzle you with brilliance, I intend not either to baffle you with bullshit.  All I want to present to you, I guess, is the rite of passage through the reflections in Dasein when la dirrita via era smarrita. 

No man is an island- not even a longer like me.  The compilation of this book would not have been possible without the love, help and support from all the fine people I have come across throughout the years.  This book is, thus, dedicated to, in Taiwan, New York and beyond, my families and friends as well as all the acquaintances, who have shown me the bright side of life whenever possible (in my realities shared or not shared with the external world)! 

At the same time, were not for blogger, Ratology might not have had itself to me revealed- a word of thanks to the service provider- albeit the fact that I might be, to them, on the servers, 1s and 0s. lol

Famous buildings in Taipei (as per East Metro Mall)

During the winter time last year, to hide away from the cold and rain, I took it down to the East Metro Mall ( 東區地下街) to do my daily walk. There I came across the long term exhibition for the selected 17 famous buildings in Taipei.

After many of a walk through them buildings- version miniature, I decided to walk them through at large.

Many a up-and-down of my health conditions after, I finally moved my butts through them all... and with my dear grandpa camera Canon A570IS, a camera almost as adama shorto as me, pictures taken and images captured.

Funny enough, some time after I started my walking them buildings at large, in the news, one day, I heard that mistakes in the labels were found in the exhibition that has been there for 10 years or more... and... eventually  they were corrected... (which, of course, made yours grandiose delusional thought it might have something to do with my diligent efforts in walking the walk- though such delusion was well-handled. 8-X)

Sure, were I who I was, these places could have been easily visited within 3-4 days- rather than extended for the duration of almost an year.  Yet, were I who I was, some of the path I traversed might not have occurred at all...  At the same time, the path I traversed... nothing but the consequences of walking the walk.

At the same time, some part of journey really resonated only too well with my beloved song de Whitesnake..


The the spirit of you can call me Al cuts it pretty well as well... (an youtube clip I inserted by mistake as  opposed to da "I don't know where I'm going...")


When walking da walk... "I don't know where I am going." (I just... go go go allez allez allez lol)
Right now... "I sure know where I've been."   (Hopefully)

Synchronously, my MBT sandal got totally worn out at the last spot... the presidential palace with the the sole totally out... Thank you, Mon chéri, for absorbing the pressure and helping me walk across continents and in all seasons... (Guess, I did leave traces on the path I have traversed... somehow.. 8-O 8-X lol)

If you are in Taiwan or will visit Taiwan, be sure to visit the following buildings and... beyond...

Bon voyage!

Historial building

1. 龍山寺 Longshan Temple, Taipei
2. 台北賓館 Taipei Guesthouse, Taipei
3. 台北故事舘Taipei Story House (Formerly known as 圓山別莊)
4. 台北當代藝術舘 Museum of Contemporary Art, Taipei
5. 北門 承恩門 North Gate
6. 台灣省立博物館 Taiwan Provincial Museum
7. 總統府 Presidential Palace (總統府 Presidential Palace Front view)
8. 淡水紅毛城 (Museum of Fort San Antonio)
9. 公賣局 Wine and tobacco monopoly bureau

Modern building

1. ATT 4 Fun (Formerly known as New York, New York 紐約紐約)
2. 台北101摩天大樓 Taipei World Financial Center
3. 威秀影城 Vieshow Cinemas (Formerly 華納威秀 Warner Village)
4. 台北世界貿易中心展覽大樓 Taipei World Trade Center
5. 新光摩天大樓 Shin Kong Life Tower
6. 大陸工程總部大樓 Continental Engineering Corporation Building
7. 富邦金融大樓 Fu-ban Financial building
8. 遠企中心 Far Eastern Plaza

(Cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large)

First time experiences- Bought!

The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decided to get a new one.


Went with my mom and sister shopping for the next refrigerator today... with my sister's expert skills in haggling, bought a refrigerator for the first time today!

So they say, in Taiwan, Panasonic and Hitachi are two of the most energy efficient brands.  In addition, the freezer is at the bottom to make it even more efficient.

Since, with another 500 NT dollar, we could get cashback rebate and additional gift.  I bought a USB flash drive for myself for the first time in my life as well!

Down the memory lane with down with meds, over a thousand US dollar kinda spending for an unemployed psychotic who's still broadcasting thoughts...  Makes me wonder... lord... am I swinging to the other side characterized with shopping spree? 8-O lol

Yet, having lived without a refrigerator for the past few days, I guess, refrigerator is as essential as broadband in the modern time... 8-X

Regardless, two first time experiences in one day- I bought a Flash Drive for the first time in my life- (though-- whispering--- was waiting to buy 128 GB instead- although I didn't see 128 GB in stock- good excuse for a cheapskate like me) - en route to buy a refrigerator for the first time in my life!

(This post is cross-posted in Ratology Reloaded Blog)

気持ち (きもち) kimoji

I grew up using this Japanese expression "kimoji"- sort of like gemütlich in German, good atmosphere in English and 氣氛 in Chinese.

Since I have been trying to learn the Japanese alphabets since around the time when I became telepathic again, based on the sound I have used gazzillion and a time in my life so far, I used hiragana to come up with the spelling for kimoji- きもじ.  Yet, I simply couldn't find in any of my googling result stating kimoji is like 氣氛 in Chinese.

So I thought of this Taiwanese friend of mine who seems to be really well-versed in Japanese and sent her this SOS message, "how do you write in Japanese "kimoji"?"

Following is the ensuing conversation:

• Expert, "気持ち (きもち)"
• Ratprincess, "thanks... so it is not ji but chi?"
• Expert, "ya"

Also (German)... 

So it is... 気持ち (きもち or kimochi) in Japanese is きもじ (kimoji) in Taiwanese Japanese!

Could have continued to be wrong in a million and a time more!  Except for, in Taiwanese Japanese, 気持ち would remain to sound like きもじ (kimoji)-- I guess.

Done with DWM- Ratology Reloaded yet another round

Finally got done with reloading Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology... yet another iteration with one of the main task this round... getting rid of words-- too many words.  8-X

Got the task restarted on September 20th and finally got this round of reloading done today... at around 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. according to the timestamp on the picture I took at Guang Hua Mall (光華商場).

For this iteration, I took it done at large as I was on the road.... or... when I took my breaks during my daily walk.  Though I might not have traveled thousands and a mile, I surely went through thousands and more words of a past I traversed back.

At the same time, since it ain't quite all that enticing to be an unemployed handicapped in the head and in the body with thoughts still broadcasting to the entire world plus the setback in my bodily condition in the last week of September followed by a combination of cold and allergy symptom that left me wearing a mask for 3-4 weeks long, I surely was not gonna entrap myself in suffering of any kind more and took it out and about at large.

Remaining to be accomplished, the last chapter and the first chapter thereafter... since it might take the coming out of the last chapter before I can get a better estimation about what Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology is about... though the true value might not be approachable.  I do have to digitize the corrections and edit work that I did with paper and pencil.

Yet, afterwards, I would have to find someone else to do the editing work regardless whether DWM might outsell the first book I published... my dissertation... which sold, I guess, around 10 copies or so.  8-O lol

And, after going through DWM so many times, one thing I know for sure now is... No longer could I say nobody ever really read the writings in my blogs since, oh, Lord, I myself along have gone through it God knows how many time and pondered gazillion and a time... "Man... Why so many words?" lol

Bad circulation in the head

Been knocked down by the cold for almost a week.  So I went to see my uncle the doctor who's been treating me since a kid.

He showed me a picture of my inner ear with blood vessels readily visible and explained to me that the reason why the vessels could be seen so clearly might have something to do with bad circulation.

The matter of the fact, I had always know that my blood circulation was no good since a kid with them cold feet.  Yet, the circulation department get even worst after the accident in 2007 and even worst in January 2011 after the body got broken again.

Yet, so say the experts... the pattern of the brain blood flow in schizophrenic patients are different than that of the normal.  For instance, as per RSNA press release: Blood Flows Differently Through the Brains of Schizophrenic Patients

"... compared to the healthy controls, the schizophrenic patients had extensive areas of hypoperfusion, or lower blood flow than normal in the frontal lobes and frontal cortex, anterior and medial cingulate gyri, and parietal lobes. These regions are associated with a number of higher cognitive functions including planning, decision making, judgment and impulse control.
Hyperperfusion, or increased blood flow, was observed in the cerebellum, brainstem and thalamus of the schizophrenic patients."

At the same time, existing research has also found abnormal brain blood flow pattern in patients with chronic pain.  For instance, in the article Brain perfusion abnormality in patients with chronic pain, the authors found:

"....decreased cerebral blood flow was observed in the dorsolateral prefrontal area (both sides, right dominant), medial (both sides), dorsal aspect of the anterior cingulate gyrus ociceptive cortex and lateral orbitofrontal cortex (right side).

So I thought.... good lord...

What might have contributed to the observation of my bad circulation in the head?  While, to be honest, how does it matter for me?  8-O lol

あたまコンクリート 阿他嗎konkurito

Yet another day あたま コンクリート (阿達媽konkuri).

In the middle of the night, I woke up wide awake and was sneezing up a storm. Couldn't get back to sleep and decided to take an additional 3-ish mg of Seroquel.

It knocked me down the entire day... in my mind I thought... 阿達媽 konkuri or adama konkuri or concrete head.

Not until just now did I realize... maybe my Taiwanese Japanese pronunciation of a concrete head has always been wrong?

It should actually be atama konkurito? Or, in Chinese writing, 阿他嗎 konkurito?

Unless, in Taiwan, it is just adama konkuri or 阿達媽 konkuri?



Ratology Reloaded: あたまコンクリート (阿達媽konkuri): Last night, when I was taking my medication, I happened to pick up one piece that was larger... The entire day today.... I feel...あたまコンクリ...

Six pointed Star- polyhedra origami from one sheet

Made one of the six pointed start last night as I attempted to live through one more day shutting the brain down- as per commend de my body since I have been working straight through and for more hours since the second setback in my bodily condition within a few days two weeks ago.

One thing I managed to do as I was doing my footsoaking while watch cartoons, I folded up a six-pointed star without referencing the official diagram of John Montroll- which I came across in the summer of 2007.

Although I wasn't able to recreate the exact same 6-pointed star designed by Mr. Montroll, what I managed to come up with does form the shape of a star with six points.... though messier version.

Decided to make one following Mr. Montroll's diagram to show you the differences.

Come to think about it... though the star I made without the diagram was not all that classy looking, at least, first time get a star form done without a diagram.  Not looking too close at it, does look like a nice 3-D star. Not perfect, good enough la! 8-O lol

The six-pointed star without the diagram

The messier 6-pointed star without the diagram.

The messier 6-pointed star without the diagram.

The six-pointed star based on the official diagram

Surely easier to make with the star more in shape with the diagram.

Surely easier to make with the star more in shape with the diagram.

Decided to see whether I could get the six-pointed star folded after trying it out referencing the official diagram... after the post.

Voila!  Ganze einfach!

After folding the star using them shining paper all these years, I tried it out with the ordinary kinda origami paper and came to the conclusion... The material of them shining origami paper suits better.

The passing of professor Yu

Just realized today that this professor of mine 余德慧 has passed.

Still remember vividly when he made this comment,  "偏見，偏見，沒有偏哪有見“ (bias (side view), bias (side view), how can you see the whole without viewing it sideways).

A class skipping undergrad auditing his Hermeneutics class.

A comment that, interestingly, has a profound meaning in my life given the nature of disordered thoughts.

Though he might not even recall this student.

Thank you and God bless.

Experience

Found some liking to this quote and thought I'd share it with ya!

"If the artist does not perfect a new vision in his process of doing, he acts mechanically and repeats some old model fixed like a blueprint in his mind." (John Dewey, Art as Experience, 1934)

Leader of the parade 陣頭

Just watched this movie 陣頭 (Leader of the parade )... A very "earthy" (鄉土) movie with Taiwanese expressions I have never used before and  陣頭- a folk culture indigenous to Taiwan.  Following is a parade I came across on Mother's day, 2012...


Back to the movie 陣頭 (Leader of the parade ), I find it very inspiring.  Apparently, it was based on a true story of 九天民俗技藝團.

What I find most impressive about this group is that many of the team members were once dropouts from school and might event be juvenile delinquents.  However, this group helped them to find a niche for themselves and start a new life.

Following are some clips I found about the movie 陣頭 or the performing group 九天民俗技藝團.



A clip someone took when the team members were practicing.


The group apparently just had a performance in Lincoln center on August 3, 2012.


A TV program made after the group took 三太子 to a marathon across the Sahara desert.

Telepathy

"Telepathy" itself is not a symptom, I guess, since maybe there really are people who are telepathic.  The world is large and nothing new under the sun.  However, "telepathy" in my case has always benchmark the opening of the gated doors to the cuckoo's nest.

In addition, when "telepathy" comes out, in place are symptoms already there.... It's an addition.

Some thoughts I drafted concerning telepathy back a couple days ago in my private blog to share with ya...

Why the emergence of da telepathy thing?  Well, cutting the dosage down to less than 10 mg of seroquel within 6-7 months from 300 mg for the purpose of being functional to perform work, which requires the usage of brain power.... that of course would do it since- duh, disordered thoughts are part of the thinking process! lol sigh

Need to continue using my head to do work with da "telepathy" thing while getting it under control on 100 mg only....  That is amazing grace!

MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2012

Telepathy etc

An interesting discussion occurred during my meeting with the shrink...

I told him about the telepathy and thought insertion thing...

He said, "Thought broadcasting and thought insertion."

Well, I figure that he understood what I was talking about...

Not quite sure how thought broadcasting is defined... thought it meant that thoughts in my mind are being broadcast to everyone.

What's the difference between my aka "telepathy" and thought broadcasting?

Sure, the symptom of being "telepathic" is simply a combination of thought broadcasting, self-reference thoughts, hallucination and psychotic symptoms otherwise not specified in thought and physical formats.

Yet, the sum of the parts seem to be qualitatively different from the parts themselves.

Granted, the addition of the thought broadcasting itself will add even more stress to a head already handling the commonplace psychotic symptoms.

But, in the "telepathic" state, all symptoms are united into one.... if not integrated (amazing grace that while I can't get to da integration thing after all these years, symptoms can get themselves to do the synchronous dance so very easily.  Sort of like... so speak my psychotic self... "What's all the fuss about integration?  I get your integration done in a breathe all the times except for you keep on trying to disintegrate me?  You don't even have to make any effort!" 8-O lol)

In this state, not only are one's thoughts broadcast to the world telepathically... Other's thoughts can broadcast automatically to one's mind... And, the back and forth of broadcasting here, broadcasting there, and broadcasting everywhere paves the unterwegs zur cuckoo's nest easily in no time- not to mention the noises contributed by oddly synchronous events here and there.... Like me thought of taking a trip to see the Pyramids this afternoon and saw one of the cartoon character going into a pyramid early this evening.

Also, da thought insertion... the feeling that something forced thoughts or visions into my head. Also institutionalizable grade kinda symptoms. Although, the phenomena of thought insertion actually precede telepathy.

It remained damn strange that... I was all the way up to 300 mg of Seroquel last year while I do not recall the occurrences of thought broadcasting and telepathy. Da 100 mg Seroquel, this round, has strangely kept them symptoms mostly under control- meaning- I can better getting the propensity towards such thoughts negated.

The occurrences of the symptoms and the dosage I can handle... tres buzzard...

Don't know, though, whether it is the same thing for the rest of the psychotic populations... the equivalence of insertion, thought broadcasting and telepathy as well as unterwegs zur psychiatric ward.

Since I am unterwegs zur Seroquel, let me entertain yet another question-- oops... forgot...

Let me select one question randomly then... were they already there throughout the past few months except for I was too sleepy to get them entertained?

Nope. I don't think so... they grew exponentially this past month as I was becoming more and more awake in comparison to the months past.

At the same time, simply my mindless mumble jumble.

What is wrong with my cognition?

Someone came to the post about Impaired Metacognition: Part II and I got to revisit the following paragraphs:

Quote 1

"On the other hand, the so-to-speak breakdown in the self-controlling mechanism is manifested in one’s inability to make appropriate adjustment to one’s interpretation about events, provided one’s self-monitoring capacity remained intact.
In plain English, I might agree with the notion that there is some impairment in the controlling component of the metacognitive model when I can not change how I interpret my experiences despite of my awareness of the biases and irrationality in my frame of references.
However, is this really impairment in my metacognition?
I don’t really think so. But, of course, that is but my really tired and loco interpretation."

Quote 2

"At the same time, as I have elaborated in previous postings, just like Rome, delusions are not built in one day. At the micro-level, as time goes on, it is inevitable for the delusional to develop a propensity to attribute observations in a way that is deviated from the norm. As a result, provided with the same environmental cues, delusionals might gradually develop a pattern in attending and interpreting environmental inputs that is different from that of a normal person.
In other words, both the normal person and the delusional are capable of performing metacognitive tasks, namely, self-monitoring and self-controlling.
However, a context is required for one to exercise his or her metacognitive skills and the context contains both the environmental inputs and one’s past experiences. Given the same environmental inputs, provided adequate ability capability of performing metacognitive tasks for both the delusional and the normal person, I feel it should be one’s past experiences that result in differential experiences, rather than the impaired metacognition." 

From where I stand today I would say, I agree and disagree with these comments- though it is sort of difficult to agree or disagree since some part of the texts seem a bit ambiguous to me.

Starting from the second part of the quote, past experiences do not necessarily destine one to think in a particular fashion although learning does promote the strengthening of cognitive pathways, as per cognitive processing doctrine, and this is why old habits are hard to break- especially in the context of automaticity.  In the context of the discussion, what is missing is the component of the present.  For the normal, there is one set of reality and the limited numbers of hypotheses to entertain.  For the psychotics, there is more than one set of reality with them realities entangled.  As a result, there are far more hypotheses to be entertained while hypotheses beget more hypotheses- and this is why psychotic like me live a living trying to not get drown in the sea of hypotheses.  8-O lol sigh

The notion of da sea of hypotheses brings me back to the first quote...

Am I still in agreement with the comment that I don't have metacognitive impairments as per "Is this really impairment in my metacognition? I don’t really think so"?

I disagree despite of the word "really" in da quote.   Coming right out of, if not still coming out from, a state of institutionalizable grade of psychotic symptoms bench-marked by telepathy (i.e., the sum of thought broadcasting, thought insertion and I can read you mind), I can tell you for sure that there are huge problems in the "control" department.

This is not the "let go of control" or "illusion of control" kinda control I am speaking of... (or is it the same thing? 8-O)

It is the phenomenon of, given the equal strength of verbal and non-verbal stimuli in the background, you brain is biased to attend to and interpret the inaudible verbal stimuli despite of your attempt to focus on the non-verbal stimuli such as music in the background.  

That is an impaired department of "Control."

Regarding monitoring, well, though possible to achieve, the one major confounding variable would be simply- How do you tell what is real and what is real?  Sounds like a chicken and egg question here... 8-O lol

At the same time, it appears to me that when it gets really "positive" (amazing grace that I could outsource 100 mg of Seroquel and a whole lot of rest to save myself my the cuckoo's nest while still kick at large), a huge part of the department of control seems to go on a vacation, possibly went on to Mars with Curiosity- leaving only an understaffed division working with the exponential increase in "biased observations."  Sort of like.. I guess.. the scenario of the arrival of Fallen and them excessive number of Decepticons when Optimus Prime was "on leave" in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? 8-O lol 

(Oops... hope my symptoms don't get aggravated by my describing them as decepticons.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Just an updated thought.

Russia?

Still get quite puzzled by the number of hits through Russia nowadays.... though not so many hits to my blog anyways... 8-X lol

Alo, Russia?

(Courtesy of google translate... )

Кто вы?

Любой комментарий?

My walking fish? 8-O

Was thinking about this quote 

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

and this pix...

And I decided to look up some more pix of walking fishes... via google image with the simple keyword of walking fish...

When scrolling through them images, I saw a pix of my walking fish with the pix linked to a website unknown to me....

I was overjoyed... OMG... my fish is on a website!

My walking fish returned by google image search

The pix of my walking fish linked to article.wn.com

And I thought... how on earth did I recognize this fish? 

New tooth

Got the crown put in-- I just got a new tooth!

Been laughing like Arale Norimake (則巻アラレ, 丁小雨) or 則卷卡斯拉 (則巻ガジラ, 可美) in Dr. Slump with a missing tooth...

Missing tooth!  Missing tooth!

Finally, new tooth in.....

Guess... um............. ain't no nothing to brag about? 8-O lol

And, I surely have watched a whole lot of cartoons while doing my 英英美代子 kinda swinging these past few weeks.... 8-X lol

 

Visits

Though I entertain the sources of visits to Ratology Reloaded not all that much- since, with a proxy, you can identify yourself from arriving from any location on this planet- as long as you don't ask me to ponder why anyone would go through such hassle- just my default psychotic protocol.

This month

This week

Today

Past 2 hours (Now)

Interestingly, I am getting quite a bit of hits from Russia and Taiwan.... as well as... manchmal... China...

Don't know whether the pages were ever retrieved successfully on the client side in China? 

Not enough depth but run really fast

Trying to get a crown done for that tooth of mine that's been undergoing tooth canal.  Ended up, as per the dentist, the height of the tooth is at around 25 percentile with only 25 percent of teeth in the teeth population shorter than it.  Not enough depth.

At the same time, though the teeth not using the retainer were tighter than with the retainer right after I had my accident, nowadays, them teeth need da retainer noch ein mal.  Well, though das body of mine can run not, my teeth do run fast...

So I say... not enough depth for the teeth while my body surely is fat enough...  Can't run no more except for them teeth wouldn't stop running.

Surely all in the wrong places... though, still, some parts de moi have the depth and some parts run really fast... brava, brava, bravissima! lol

National treasure- The Declaration of Independence

The last time I saw someone with due enthusiasm with the declaration of independence was in the movie... National Treasure.



Today, when I was, with due diligence, doing one of my physical therapy routine, I heard this gentleman, also receiving his physical therapy then, reciting the declaration of independence in the doctor's office in Taipei.

Wow... that was the first time I heard anyone reciting the declaration of independence from his head... Really impressive!

The last time I came across something related to the declaration of independence was possible when I watched the movie.... the pursuit of happiness based on the story of Chris Gardner.



So I decided to take a look up the Declaration of independence drafted by Mr. Jefferson... and saw it for the first time... I think... though in digital format.

The front

The Back

Typhoon Saola 蘇拉

Typhoon Saola 蘇拉 just landed the second time, within 12 hours, in Taiwan... with its rain and wind... mucha damages done already...

God bless!