Reminder

Once in a while you have to remind yourself...

There ain't no telling whether the things you are trying out are to work... or... whether they will work forever...

You can only live through one day at a time... and recalibrate one day at a time...

And... what is written... simply... what is written...

That girl is poison

The song was in my head... running around...

Nice old song...

Mercy

In my much younger years or maybe not even all that far past.... I was anal retentive about being self-reliant...

It was always like... me can do this... me can do that... me can do.... always... me me me...

Today, I think...

Ain't no nothing all that bad to simply allow yourself to rest on others' mercy...

And... ain't like you sit there don't do nothing...

More like... you do what you can do and that's it.

Especially when... are you sure you are sure that what has come out really has anything to do with your "me me me"?

It is nice to talk about self-determination etc kind of stuff... but, at some point, you are gonna come face to face with life larger than your "self", I guess... 8-O lol

Reminds me of da word that came up many a time... 我執太重... and.. of course... stop it.

Nut case

Was talking to my friends about how running around trying gather medical records for reinstatement purpose for my student visa...

She did not quite understand because I guess... she was thinking about me talking about Green Card application...

"Why do you have to tell them the truth?"

"Because the reinstatement plea is based on the medical ground..."

Then, I had to concur with her...

"Ya. By the time I submitted the complete records, the immigration services of the department of homeland security would be ready to ship me home because they are going to think... why are we keeping someone who is physically disabled and mentally challenged in the united states?"

Especially when I don't even know whether the American Disability Act covers the aliens or not...

Yet, what do I know... Just

True or not true... Just trying to imagine how they might think... and, of course, I'd rather be wrong...

And, gotta clarify this... before I came to the US... I was healthy like a cow although might have been depressed at points. 8-O lol

Where did you come from?

For someone with not too much upstairs...

Where did them things come from and how did they come out of my mouth?

Quantum world

So many theories... so many observations...

Which one to see and which theory to choose?

Sounds like da probabilistic quantum world... sort of like... where does the basketball land in the field?

Sort of like WYSIWYG kind of interface... I guess... 8-O lol

Monk

Sometimes it feels as if I were a monk... spending my life so far... 化緣 and this is why I am so... 多災多難.... although... do me a favor... me wanting not to be a nun for me no such material.... and I'd rather feed the world...

Good excuse for free food I guess... 8-O lol

As far as I would go here with this line of ideology... abundant associated text posted in Down with Meds before my last hospitalisation.... Thoughts already emerged and need not be revisited... 8-X

That's called cultural background... I guess...

To allow yourself entertaining this idea without falling back... I must have not done enough of it in my past life.... sort of like past credit debts... pay the debts and keep on moving on since I gotta live this life as well... and stop there. 8-O lol

Also sort of like... whose synchronicity?

Session notes

When answering some of the questions inquired by my shrink today, I found myself sort of mentally searching through what I might have written down before in this blog... sort of like when I provided him with the answer to the question...

"Do you believe MRI caused the pain?"

In my head, I thought... "Duh..."

Out of my mouth this came... "law of proximity..."

As if... the posting here are the notes prepared for the session.... OR... perhaps... defense or proposal hearing.... 8-O lol 8-O

Bus ride

I was really cold... and it was still blocks away from home...

As I was walking from Armsterdam towards Broadway... I was tremoring from the cold...

This voice came up....

"It's too cold. You have to take the bus. Take the bus. Take the bus....." and on and on like a broken record....

So I replied...

"OK.. OK... I will take the bus but I, at least, need to get to the bus stop!"

It continued for a while until it must eventually stopped.

I did take the bus.

Speaking again... da neighbor's dog...

Since my shrink suggested me to trying document all my symptoms... so I follow his instruction and... might as well have it posted...

Easily influenceable

I think I am easily influenceable...

I be with 6-year-olds... I feel like a 6-year-old...

I be with elderly like my mama... I feel like an elderly...

I stare at doggies... I feel like a doggie... etc...

I interact with irritated people and I become irritated...

As if my mirror neurons are growing too much...

Or... could it be... like das Parfume... me got no self? 8-O lol 8-X

Affect

I told my shrink that my affect is mostly flat... especially when I am trying to think I guess...

When do you feel more affect?

I guess when I am chit-chatting with my friends when I don't have to use my head...

And... at dining table I laughed and laughed... rejuvenating like da 6-year-old... no nothing called affect...

So I thought of da something... some might call it intuition although I am not quite sure what exactly intuition is...

Attachment theory and da implications perhaps? Or psychoanalytic again??

Something told me

I was dead tired when I got back...

Was feeling that I was going to do some exercise and take a nap...

Then my friends call... the whole family is coming...

I did some mumble jumble...

I did a bit of exercise...

Something tells me that I need to go out...

I need to be with my loving people...

I got myself out of the house...

Yawning while walking...

Caught them as they were leaving for dinner...

Got myself a nice meal with baby cow liver... and a cake... with a glass of wine...

Laughed and laughed as if I had not laughed before with nothing in the head...

Nice. I feel.

Laugh

I often feel that when I laugh... I would laugh like an idiot...

Then, tonight, when I was sitting next to my 6-year-old friend at the dinning table and when we were laughing at something... I don't know... really funny... we laughed and laughed... the 6-year-old and me...

Ummmm.... that is where that multiple self theory and psychoanalytical approach could be applied. As far as I go...

Phenomena

Tried to bargain further with my shrink during the meeting about the meds...

Shrink recommended against lowering the dosage...

I wanted it to be lowered by another 25 mg if not 50 mg because what I have been experiencing... detachment or dissociation, increased appetite, the feeling that the cognitive capacity that has been increased seems to be decreasing again, lack of motivation, flat affects in pause mode, bad memories indicating back my 2 second short term memory.... all these reminds me of the phenomena I associate with drug overdose.

At a point when I ain't sure no more about no nothing.... I was not really all that kin in bargaining further....

Ended the session with the middle point... 200 and 150 on alternative days....

I don't even care about the naming anymore... it would be absolute wonderful that they label me all that they want and analyse me as much as they can... so that they could come up with a perfect solution to keep me health and happy... and I really mean it... because each diagnosis prepresents a theoretical framework and its implications... as long as the converged solution could optimise my condition....

It is because it is my job to recover, unless I can outsource someone else to recover for me... I will be willing to pay for it... 8-O lol... and it is other people's job to analyse... This is why I am the patient and they are the doctors. Very good.

It is also because I am mostly done analysing myself cus I think I have analyse myself to the bone already and that is enough... might be some more residuals though dropping like droplets... (such as the following... 8-O lol)

If you want to ask me why I try so hard to push for lowered dosage despite the fact that I know the adjustment in meds now is more of an art....

It is because I am envious of other people who could drive themselves up the wall with the things they do... have undue passion for their pursuit... perhaps....

Or, more accurately, I am jealous of that me before... which I no longer really remember.... although something tells me that to keep me sane, I might need to sincerely redefine my pursuit (and when I use the word "something", I mean I don't know what it is.)

At some point, the doctor asked me to jot down the observations of my symptoms and the associated phenomena....

So I thought... phenomena, phenomena... though I thought I am done with thee... yet I can't escape thee... even though when easily I everything forget... including thee...

I am not schizo

Read somewhere in one of the "confidential records" this direct quote of mine a year and half ago...

"I am not schizo. I am functional."

Something I said in the cuckoo's nest...

The matter of the fact is that... it was not like I did not know the diagnosis and how I fit or not fit whatever DSM criteria.... or maybe I really did not know... God knows... so long time ago and I have no interest anyways to reenter da state of mind to do some recalls...

One thing I do know is that... they said in textbooks that schizos are not functional... therefore the comment... Simple as that. 8-O lol

Not to mention... even when I was totally disabled both in the head and in the body right after I came out of the hospital last February... I was able to take in software programs and give out software program... sort of functional I guess... 8-O lol sigh

Or, perhaps they are right about it... maybe I simply do have the insight that I am not or haven't been functional? Sort of like it was not until long time after I got discharged did I, all of a sudden, came to the realisation and told my bos... "You know... I just had this insight... I think I am both mentally and physically disabled..." 8-O lol

My tail

Years back, I did not really feel like to go into academia because I did not feel like to do publications after publications like chasing my own tail.

Years later, I have to go from one doctor to anther and one hospital to another chasing after my own medical records scattering around all different places like da mind and body of mine....

Then, I realise...

Again you can run but you can't hide... chasing my own tail...

Maybe shall have taken the alternative track to build a track records of academic work or so...

Today, I do amount to something I guess... a pile of medical records.... (don't let me think I have amounted to nothing again please...) 8-O lol

At last, by tomorrow, hopefully, the majority will be gathered and I could mail it out by Saturday if not Friday to meet the Oct. 20th deadline...

This is the point when you ask God...

What have I done so wrong so far to deserve the need to chase my own tail so long and so far? 8-O lol sigh

The act of chasing my own tail is an exhausting one... especially when your tail is somewhere else.... 8-O lol

Now all that I want to do is to do an hour or two of the swinging exercise and perhaps take a little nap.... whatever works...

Asian culture

This gentleman approached and started talking to me on my way searching for discounted smokes...

Some interesting things he tried to say... I guess... in my recall based on my interpretations of the conversation...

Buddhism and how things start from the self... as opposed to western worldview...

Interesting thoughts and inferences that we can draw....

Egocentric vs nosy

That afternoon, I asked this question... "Is that her boyfriend?"

Junior said, "You are so nosy."

On my way home, I thought of how self-related thoughts makes me egocentric....

Ummmm.... egocentric and nosy? 8-O lol

Ok... we will start taking about power play.... 8-O lol

Object of affection

Got no idea why I spent the majority of my day on crutch... and spent the remaining of the time getting rid of its after effects...

Then, during my short walk after work... I came to the realisation...

It might have been some part of me that just has to come out.

And, damn.. how lame is it?

Shall I be da object of affection, plausibly a part of me that I resist the most in confronting...

After all the wing flipping as a headless chicken doing chicken dance....

That's it? 8-O lol

ear hurt

Did too much thinking make my ear hurt? 8-O

As if... I was thinking my ears off... 8-O lol 8-X

Speaking of visual and auditory channels...