Phenomena

Tried to bargain further with my shrink during the meeting about the meds...

Shrink recommended against lowering the dosage...

I wanted it to be lowered by another 25 mg if not 50 mg because what I have been experiencing... detachment or dissociation, increased appetite, the feeling that the cognitive capacity that has been increased seems to be decreasing again, lack of motivation, flat affects in pause mode, bad memories indicating back my 2 second short term memory.... all these reminds me of the phenomena I associate with drug overdose.

At a point when I ain't sure no more about no nothing.... I was not really all that kin in bargaining further....

Ended the session with the middle point... 200 and 150 on alternative days....

I don't even care about the naming anymore... it would be absolute wonderful that they label me all that they want and analyse me as much as they can... so that they could come up with a perfect solution to keep me health and happy... and I really mean it... because each diagnosis prepresents a theoretical framework and its implications... as long as the converged solution could optimise my condition....

It is because it is my job to recover, unless I can outsource someone else to recover for me... I will be willing to pay for it... 8-O lol... and it is other people's job to analyse... This is why I am the patient and they are the doctors. Very good.

It is also because I am mostly done analysing myself cus I think I have analyse myself to the bone already and that is enough... might be some more residuals though dropping like droplets... (such as the following... 8-O lol)

If you want to ask me why I try so hard to push for lowered dosage despite the fact that I know the adjustment in meds now is more of an art....

It is because I am envious of other people who could drive themselves up the wall with the things they do... have undue passion for their pursuit... perhaps....

Or, more accurately, I am jealous of that me before... which I no longer really remember.... although something tells me that to keep me sane, I might need to sincerely redefine my pursuit (and when I use the word "something", I mean I don't know what it is.)

At some point, the doctor asked me to jot down the observations of my symptoms and the associated phenomena....

So I thought... phenomena, phenomena... though I thought I am done with thee... yet I can't escape thee... even though when easily I everything forget... including thee...