Iso-Area Offset Triangle Twist

Feeling I was very much set with Double Pleat Hexagon tessellation, I moved on to try out Iso-Area Offset Triangle Twist.

Took me two days to sort of figure out how to get the pattern unfolded... 8-O created something looking like the pattern in the picture below...

Good point someone mentioned to me... however confusing origami tessellations might be... it is pure math and logic.... and pure concentration...

200 mg day

Today is 200 mg day and I decide to allow myself function and rest the meds to do their work...

So I thought... well...

What if the previous posting really get read or heard by the institution.... and irate the institution?

So what? Fire me? And, wouldn't it prove my point even though there ain't no point I want to prove? 8-O lol

Ain't like it is the old communist society in my imagination or back to monarchy...

So reminds me this Chinese saying... 跳出三界外.... 8-O lol

Speaking of the law abiding citizen or alien... more appropriately.... 8-O lol oops...

Deduct

So all the money I made through going back to work will be deducted from the compensation check because the school will be get reimbursed for the salaries they paid me for doing work.

So I think...

What kind of fucked up social justice is that?

You screwed me up my health and life all over and the college is taking a share of the compensation for my permanent injuries on both my shoulders and knees away as well? And this is a college that blah blah blah about social justice, equality and anything else alike along this theme? What about you also taking over all that I have been given including the damages and sufferings? 8-O lol

It is like your pimp led you to prostitute your body for pennies and now the pimp is taking a cut.... 8-O

No wonder I am really injured.... when you come back to say... it is as if I am screwed all over again and bringing them all old traumas back to the table... 8-O lol sigh

And, no wonder I have to believe in Karma... Ain't nobody gonna run into me how many times.... I will just let karma do the work.... for nice people do nice things karma knows... due diligence etc along that line or not... part of its law.... 8-O lol

zen moment zen moment ... 8-O lol sigh

Now I understand why people should not go back to work since they would really be doing work for free without an option.

For me? Work keeps me sane and sustain my health. It is necessary.

Regardless, the whole thing is pretty fucked up.

And, I guess I am authorised to complain... now the case is closed... by myself... only healthy... 8-O lol sigh

Don't know what I am complaining about? Live your life and God bless...

And, if I had ever thought the institution would give a damn about its workers, I was delusional provided I am certified delusional. What about you... children? Still siding with your institution and thinking, if it were you, it would have been different? Or else... do you have that well known fallacy that I had up to June 19th, 2007... ain't no nothing could happen to me.... ;-) 8-O lol sigh

Speaking of El Wood's bad hair day about Bruser's law.... watch out for your own hair.... 8-O

Time for origami....

It's worker's com

Love them little things that you get to learn in life...

Called up my lawyer because I am concerned that some old bills might not have been paid...

So said my lawyer... "I am happy we can get some money for you. If you have gotten injured like on the street, you might be able to get 5 times as much. But this is worker's com."

The words 5 times stands right out... and my immediate reaction was... 8-O ... ummm.. how did I react? 8-O lol

Ouch... who said money for nothing again? 8-O lol sigh

Some early lessons to be shared with you today.

idiosyncrasy

Although I have no idea what exactly I do everyday swinging around and around, some said it is called 自發功 while God knows whether it is really what I did.

My dad even went and bought a book about it for me asking me to read about it and learn about it...

Regardless, my doctor in Taiwan told me to not learn or read anything about it because... each individual is different and the unfolding of the recovery process is idiosyncratic.

Oddly enough, I was able to to refrain from learning about it after I do my swinging thing for over a year and half...

This is why... one thing I am damn sure today is that... I have absolutely no idea what the heck I have been doing swinging around for hours all these times other than I just keep on doing it... 8-O lol

Swinging state: 150 mg

Spent the majority of the day doing origami because something told me so....

Should be doing reading...

Yet... origami... so be it...

So you spent the majority part of the day in origami... not knowing why.... something tells you it is for a reason... while you secretly ponder what if all but a waste...

So... origami... calms your nerve and trains you patience...

Then, I came to the observations reconfirming myself in an absolute swinging state...

In addition to swinging my nights off in front of the TV, my shifting selves also swing from left to right... leaving me confused who exactly am I.... awakening from prolonged symptoms and drug overdose....

That genuine bitch from hell... ya... my friend... you... I can identify with...

So are many other pieces of my old familiar selves and newly identified ones... welcome aboard...

Not to forget... that me in origami... that state of me... makes me feel calm and happy...

Yet... the swing... perhaps... the reclaiming of the self... the process in formation...

In this state, you have them pieces of mes in hand... except you don't know what to make of them....

The same kind of confusion you face when you first stared into that origami tessellation diagram wondering where the manual might be...

You think of all those sure souls walking in and out of the door... Pondering... what it be like exchanging this mass if not mess with their solid mes?

So... jealousy... you thought you asked whatever it is to not return jealousy back because jealousy makes you happy not... 8-O lol 8-X

Thought I knew what it meant... a lost soul in limbo...

Reminding of this vivid dream I had the other night...

I was a spirit, if not an energy ball, I flew around bumping into people and kept on bumping into people whichever direction I turn... like a novice driving on highway... lacking a sense of control...

I woke up.... what a dream... time for the toilet... 8-O lol

What it be like for me to wake up from another dream... a dream in never-ending swings and the recurrent returns to the basic?

Destroyed or destructed? Na...

More like... incurably confused...

At least, now I can choose what to do with my head... to aggravate it or not... because you see the sign over that 50 mg less.. I guess...

Some things to speak of on a nothing day about the process of recovery.... a strange learning process... in search for the homeostatic stage... balancing... or learning to balance...

Crazy

Great song...

Ya.. me crazy.... no doubt me crazy... 8-)

La forsa

For me, one thought that kept on coming up to me all these years is that...

The data never stops... When would I have a chance to go work on some sort of a write-up.... if never ending is the data generation process.... 8-O lol

These past 2 and half years, especially, it is as if la forza had come struck me like a truck with full force... with la forza itself... pushing through me even more documentations...

Recently, this feeling keeps on coming up...

Wow... almost closing time... what a relief...

Then, yesterday, when I went to court for my case, for the majority of the time, I either sat there doing my origami tessellation or sat there listening to other people talk. I sort of felt sorry for bring that air of confusion of mine along and made the case more confusing for them all.

This morning, this friend of saw me coming from the wrong direction....

"You didn't sleep at home last night? That is the direction from work that you came from!"

So I replied, "I just came back from seeing my doctor."

"Your back doctor?"

"No. My head doctor."

And, I continued my reply with something like...

"Sometimes it is nice to let the others do your job."

Especially when I can't do it all.... and, take the court case for example, I wouldn't be able to sit there like a good girl folding my origami if I were to handle the case myself... and I would have really driven myself up the wall.... Somebody else could... not me... 8-O lol sigh

Personally, I have successfully flooded myself with analysis and reflections... and I am done analysing... The conclusion... a sea of theories... multiple universes of interpretations... and so said Maxine Greene... "The confusion of interpretations."

Now I have learned my own lessons although I am not quite sure what. I guess I get what I need and, perhaps, what la forza has pushed me so far for... God knows...

The rest of the words in public... will stay in public... wishing someone could somehow someday finding a way to recycle it....

I have been given a second chance to live... with the case closed... so closed a chapter and opening a new one... for me...

In this life, the focus is to live... and, at this point, trying to figure out how to piece the reclaimed selves together when they get dropped once in a while like loot items...

I will not stop learning... and I don't get a sense that la forza wants me to stop learning anyways... 8-O lol

And, perhaps and chances are, in my spare time, I might do some leisure work trying to put something together based on what I have learned so far... as well as the process itself.... sort of like... using peripheral visions...

Ain't saying... at the same time, that... I am not gonna continue to produce some droplets at times... 8-O lol

By the way, many a life time ago and when I was doing eportfolio kind of stuff... I tried to test and see whether there is any educational implications in eportfolio if not blogging...

My gut feeling today tells me that... there seem to be some truth in it. God knows. lol

And... of course... whatever... my ever changing thoughts... 8-O lol

Perhaps, one day, I am gonna walk up to them professionals and say... "Yo. So I have got. What else do you wanna know?" Unless someone someday might ask?

MRI

So I told this friend of mine about how my body went into a total breakdown after the MRI scan on my right knee...

"That happened to me to except for they don't want to admit it."

Better yet... or else why do they hide behind the shield? 8-O lol

So I thought.... 8-O....

Thought I was only me... 8-O lol

Of course, all that I am saying is my strange experiences with MRI... ain't like I am saying anything about anything else... All in all, am I not back to walking again?

Pain

Chit-chatted with this friend yesterday...

"How's your knee?" So I asked...

Apparently, he's feeling OK... however, sometimes there is bad pain...

"And you ignore it." So he said...

It reminded me of the time when this doctor asked me how bad my pain was during the visit...

I responded, "You ignore it."

I guess... eventually, if you could, you learn to ignore it and you live with it.

That feeling

During my walk, I kept on yawning and kept walking on...

Each time I yawned, it felt as if I became a little bit more awake...

Yawning till I started tearing...

Almost towards the end of the walk when I was on my way back to class, I have this sensation that sometime came down through my body.... I felt pain... and.. my body started shaking like what happens always....

For instance, the hands were shaking so bad that I was having problems logging in to a computer to make some printout...

It continued to shake so bad that it continued to shake even after I arrived at the class.

Eventually, it stopped and I was able to take notes again.

Reaction

So they say... one thing at a time...

So I lived through the trial and I was waiting for the bus...

How should I react?

My experiences so far seem to hint that it is not so healthy either looking only at the bright side because not so bright is not so bright...

So they say... taking perspectives...

So I thought... I need to allow the anger out concerning my reaction towards the whole 9 yards...

For others, the ruling might simply mean money...

For me, personally, the settlement is about the whole 9 yards I have lived so far and I have to live with through out my life.

So I thought of this comment made by my last shrink... "You are authorised to feel angry."

So I mourn and I complained... at work, off work... into my walk... allowing my thoughts to swing whichever way it would like to go...

And, of course, I let my body to whatever it would like to do while letting my head going through its own motion...

At some point, the venting blah blah blah.... apparently stopped... and I went back to dwell in venting no more...

So I kept on walking and let the body do its own thing...

All curious... "That's it? Ain't so bad."

Is it the end of it or not?

Is it the right way to do it or not?

God knows...

Meat market: Case closed

Today is the court day...

As I have expected, they took the average of the IME reports from my side of doctor and the worker's com insurance doctors... concerning how much permanent damages are on my shoulders and knees.

Speaking of regression to the mean...

Based on the average percentage, they determined how much I would get compensated for each shoulder and each knee.

For your information, you do not get compensated for your back and neither do you get compensated for pain and suffer and etc... However, even after your case is settled, you are still entitled to continuing treatment for the injuries.

So they came up with a lump sum and they realised that they have to deduct this and deduct that and might have to deduct this and other that... in addition to the percentage of lawyer fee.

When all the numbers were presented to me...

I thought of the stock market... 8-O lol sigh

In any case, I waited there when it was my time to wait. While waiting, I did my origami like a good girl because, during the meds adjustment time, I can not get myself too excited for things like this... otherwise... I get into troubles.

Origami, and, especially, origami tessellation is very nice and it calms your nerve... possibly it requires 100 percent concentration.

Although I did not have a diagram, I unfolded one that was already done and used it as the blueprint to fold a new one.

At the very end, I found myself in front of a nice lady judge, my lawyer, and the insurance lawyer. They decided on some amount that I should get compensated for, that my medical bills should be paid for, and that there would be life time coverage for the medical expenses on the broken parts of my body. And, I accepted the settlement by saying a lot of "yes"s.

Afterwards, I got out of the building and I continued to try to keep my head not too excited while staring at Hotel Theresa.... where all things sort of started...

Waiting for the bus, I thought to myself... "How have I fared so fair?"

I did sense a few instances of fleeing positive symptoms... However, not too bad.

So I thought... I think I have done pretty well so far.

At the same time, it does feel good to be settled... 8-O lol sigh...

The next thought... how am I going to react to the settlement concerning my life since June 19, 2007?

Inherit the Wind

Thinking too much is no good to my health and makes me feel things are.... 8-X

Stop thinking from now on.

Nice clip to be shared from Inherit the wind...

Self

The scary reemergence or reclaiming of my long lost selves...

Remember how this ex of mine actually wish me going back on higher dose of depakote... when I was trying so hard to get off it because Depakote is known to cause birth defect?!

Something gotta change... but I could only recalibrate one day and one thing at a time.

It is going to be like babies learning to walk... might inevitably stepping on someone's toe at times... Sorry in advance because simply the process of learning to walk... especially when I am absolutely confused what exactly it is that I am supposed to learn and how.... a recurrent theme, I guess... 8-X

Sort of like... the structure... 8-O lol oops...

Confrontations

I hate confrontations but certain people do drive me up the wall.

I have come up with this hypothesis recently that, chances are, when I am coming out strong, I am simply mirror the energy I sense from the others...

So say the Chinese... when the partner is strong, you become stronger... when the partner is weak, you get weaker...

In other words, if you are bitchy, I become bitchier... 8-O oops...

For instance, Friday afternoon, this woman came in at work... complaining the hell at me about how inconvineint the new procedure that has been decided by the top administration is... So, the way I felt then was as if she was blaming who is at the bottum of the bottum for the decision made by the top of the top.

Yo. You barking at the wrong tree because it also makes it inconvenient for all of us following the policy, too.

I kept on trying to refer her to my boss and she kept on insisting on doing it to me.

Finally, she made a comment... "Do you understand what I am saying?"

This comment is interpreted as the following...

"Do you understand what is coming out of my mouth in English?" (OMG... psychological damages done... Harassment and discrimination law suit in formation.... 8-O lol)

So I responded...

"I understand what you are saying and I speak English."

I don't know how other ESL would interpret it.

That was my interpretation.

And, I wonder whether she would be asking the same question if she ain't talking to some Asian chick with Taiwanese accent.

Bitch

On my way home from my walk, I stopped by a shop to get myself a bottle of juice...

I walked to the end of the line and waited with my head somewhere else...

The line might have shifted though I didn't move since they didn't move too far anyways...

Then, I sensed this woman on the phone walked passed behind me...

I paid her no mind... sometimes... people would go and pick up stuffs on the other side.

At some point, I looked to the right and found that woman went to the right and started forming her own line... standing parallel to me...

I paid her no mind... maybe she just wants stand close.

The line moved a bit...

I moved closer to the woman in front of me..

Now that woman speak in rude tone and moved right before me..

"Excuse me. I am in front of you."

I spoke back at her...

"I was here before you and I am right behind this lady."

People looked back... some not sure what was going on and something made me feel they believe in that woman more over me.... and isn't it amazing how easy it is for us to take side while we have no idea what the hell is happening in life...

I know that woman was lying unless she did not even know that she was lying...

I know that I came before her although... God knows... I might be wrong...

At the same time, it ain't like I was rushing anywhere...

If only she could have not come across as a bitch and speak to me nicely, I would have let her go before me anyway....

However, if she has to confront me with a huge ball of negative energy, don't blame me for mirroring it back since there ain't nothing better I could do in life nowadays other than mirroring.... possibly just a phase I am going through with God knows what... 8-O lol 8-X

Chances are.. for her... I am the bitch... and bitch let it be...

And... did I use the word bitch? 8-O lol

Yes, I used the word bitch...

Then, it occurred to me... OMG... isn't it such a relief to be able to simply calling someone a bitch when I think they are bitches?

Oh... no... I couldn't before.... because of the delusions, medications, and some obscene pursuit to be understanding, taking perspective and be not judgmental....

But, today, I finally have grown back to feel freely calling someone a bitch... though only in my mind....

Perhaps, it is the meds since the meds have gone down...

In any case, I am overjoyed with the reclaiming of a part of my selves that I didn't even know I have lost....

And, so I thought... wonder what that bitch might have gotten out of it....

And, thank you for being a bitch so that I could call you a bitch.

OK... Now stop bitching. 8-O lol 8-X

In addition, now I am aware that this part of me is back... gotta learn to be not confrontational... a skill to be learned...

Vision

This ex of mine told me that he has "visions" of the future.... and he said that our future together would have a lot of suffering or stuffs like that...

I didn't quite understand what he was talking about then and thought, anyways, he is crazy while I am certifiably abnormal...

After these past two years, I am starting to think that that guy might really have what he calls as vision because he successfully escaped being involved in my life this past 2-3 years... sort of like escaped from being hit by the tail of a typhoon... (Taiwanese expression) 8-O lol

Maybe it is true that he does have visions of the future except for... boo boo... hurt hurt... come on... it ain't that bad! 8-O lol

Drama: period

Spoke with my sis in Santa Fe...

Among all things we talked about, I mentioned to her...

"It is very strange that I have no health and no extra money but I walk around everyday feeling happy because people love me. Sometimes I think people just need to create drama to make them feeling alive."

My sister responded... "Like the unbearable lightness in life..." 8-O lol

Speaking of drama, could have created a drama for myself when I had an accident at my hanging out time with the girls... oops....

In short, this expensive new product doesn't work too well on heavy days--- I guess this is especially true when you have fibrosis in your uterus because people with fibrosis in uterus tend to have "higher volume" when comparing those without.

It is because once it reaches a limit, it stops absorbing and you might as well put on a layer of plastic.... (ya, ain't like we women do not spend about 1/4 or 1/5 of our life time between puberty and menopause dealing with the period and don't guys come out from the womb as well?) 8-O lol

Anyways, so I stared at the mirror not quite sure what to do since it looks sort of embarrassing on a day I decided to wear black pants not...

Then, I thought... to hell...

It ain't like I haven't walked around with toilet paper trailing off my behind.... 8-O lol

In addition, I must have been through even more embarrassing moments in my life anyways...

People know me know me...

People don't know me me them don't know...

So I walked back... self-conscious... needing to let it out...

Then I told my friend... "Oops... I just had an accident... It leaked on the side..."

So she responded bewildered... "Mine on the bottom."

Then, I pondered...

Why is that 1/4 to 1/5 part of our life so very unspeakable and where does it come from?

Since I am talking about the period here... somethings I have learned from the doctors these past two years concerning my body to share with you...

1. There is something strange about the product Always Infinity and I wouldn't go back to it again. Me at least...
2. You back pain etc might tend to get worsen during the time of the period
3. The older you get, they say that the duration might get shorter and so the cycle
4. People with fibrosis in their uterus tend to have higher volume so please check with your doctor about it. So they say... most of the times... these are normal and benign.

Intrique

Junior has been intrigued by the diagnoses of mental health problems and invoked my verbal diarrhea yesterday afternoon when I was able to be like a good girl not talking all that much at all for the majority of the day... 8-O lol

The key point I tried to converse...

Diagnosis are only as useful as its implications for the treatment provided for the labelee.

For non-patients... such as professionals and trainees...

It provides a structured language to convey and exchange information if not knowledge. Sort of like, you set the width of the rail to be all the same so that the train could run from one place to the other places.