Making no money

This issue of my not making any money keeps popping up recently... might have something to do with I really am not making any money especially when I don't even know what the decision of department of homeland security might entail.

Expectations I set for now is setting no expectations at all.

So... this guy's comment hit the optimal point tonight...

"How would you have a doctoral degree but not make any money."

In addition, this other comment from this other guy I bumped into when I was coughing my lungs out for no good reason (well, smoking related perhaps...)

"You still haven't got a green card? How can you make it in New York?"

One thing I could say is that...

Men are good at hitting the spot... 8-O lol

And... so they say about network security... the network is only as strong as the weakest link...

Ouch... 8-O lol

The only thing I could say to myself is that...

Damn right... I got a doctoral degree and I am making no money.

Yet, I have no debt at all and I have been making it on my own since years ago. (You feel da reaction there.... 8-O lol)

Not quite bad, I guess, for some bump with no income at all... looking at the bright side... 8-O lol

In addition, at least I still have a job so that there ain't no gap in my professional life... 8-O lol

What could I say? Ain't nobody put me into this state...

And... live your life... as Grandma said... 8-O 8-X lol

Eel

Am eating my dinner... finished up some leftover eel first...

Then, I heard my voice...

"This eel she's having is really aphrodisiac...."

Was gonna go... Voice again...

Then, I decided to google it up...

Apparently, without my knowing it, my hallucination is correct... eels do have aphrodisiac effects... 8-O lol

Age

Got IDed when buying cigarettes yesterday.... and I took it as a complement.... huge compliment... 8-O lol

So I asked this friend of mine to estimate my age...

Apparently, the consensus is that I look about 10 years younger than I really am...

Damn... no longer looking like 21.... Perfectly vain... 8-O lol

Sex talk

My friend was telling me about the sex talk he had with the daughter who is a "legal young adult"...

So he might have said...

"Go enjoy yourself and don't be an idiot... Use protections and be careful."

Even better...

"Just because you have sex doesn't mean that you have to get married."

8-O lol

Never done that myself... gotta be sort of awkward...

Cane-less

While some people in my imaginary world might still be pondering about how psychosomatisation is liked to my need to use cane this past week or two, I finally am cane-less again...

Why does it take longer this time for me to get rid of the cane when comparing to da condition following the MRI scan, for instance?

My rationale...

The MRI scan disturbed the Xi or energy field...

The stupid laptop moving activities caused problem at the physical level...

This might be why it took longer to be cane-less again.

Commitment phobia

Was talking to my friend about how I tried to load Linux onto this old laptop left by Mr. Houdini... Yet, the computer is so old that even Linux is too much for it too handle...

At some point into our discussion, I said to my friend...

"I have commitment phobia. Because all of these once-upon-a-time state of art technologies eventually turned obsolete."

Later I thought about the differences between relationships with man and with computing technologies...

Then, it turned clear to me... apparently, if I ever thought I had commitment phobia with men, it would be mickey mouse case when comparing to my phobia in committing to computers... since I have committed (8-O lol) myself to all them run-away-men but I had never bought a computer for myself... 8-O lol

With technologies, the future is set... even before you make the purchase, you know however high end it might be... it will be turning obsolete...

With men, and, hopefully, it is like gambling... if not like playing with slot machines... some people have it easy and win the jackpot with their first penny, nickle, dime or quarter.... for the others... after going through the losing spree... keep on wishing for the chance to win.... 8-O lol 8-X

Green Card Lottery

Just submitted my Green Card Lottery entry after double-checking the Calendar...

今日黃曆 今日時辰時局
公歷： 西元2009年11月25日
農曆： 農曆10月(小)09日 星期三 射手座
歲次： 己丑年、生肖屬牛、乙亥月、甲戍日
每日胎神占方： 門雞棲外西南
五行： 山頭火 閉執位
沖： 沖龍(戊辰)煞北
彭祖百忌： 甲不開倉財物耗散 戍不吃犬作怪上床
吉神宜趨： 四相 月德 益後 金匱
宜： 祈福 齋醮 出行 訂盟 納采 入殮 移柩 破土 安葬 立碑 結網
凶神宜忌： 血支 月虛 月煞 五虛 八風
忌： 入宅 作灶

Anyone reading... pray for me.... especially when today is a good day for 祈福...

Like what the fortune teller said... whatever I have in life, I worked for it (including all my inconvenient conditions 8-O lol).

Once in a while, I do like to win something... If I could not win the Mega million, at least, let me win da green card lottery....

For people who are interested, the deadline for application is noon, Eastern Standard Time (EST) (GMT-5), Monday, November 30, 2009.

忌：諸事不宜

Was going to submit myself into the green card lottery...

Then, I decided to check the 農曆

Apparently....

西元2009(民國98年)11月24日 農曆10月(小)08日 星期二

沖：沖兔(丁卯)煞東
宜：諸事不宜
忌：諸事不宜

Guess this is what they call the can't do no nothing day.... 8-O lol

I am not superstitious... and I have no doubt... that I might have to do it tomorrow... first thing in the morning... 8-O lol

Might use today to turn the old laptop into a Linux machine.... since 死馬當活馬醫... 8-O lol

Someone else's wife

While a lot of people take care of me, I also have been given a lot of chances taking care of someone else's wife through out the years...

So today, I was running around doing grocery shopping to take care of my household.

One person household. 8-O lol

Then, I thought of the times when I was taking care of someone else's wife...

So I thought...

Since one day I am going to marry myself, if not selves, off....

Man... I am still and why am I still busting my own behind taking care of someone else's wife... and a disabled one... 8-O lol

Don't know whether it is pathological or not... a lot of my useless thoughts are pretty strange while, at times, funny to myself... 8-O lol

Science?

My friend asked me yesterday...

"Wow, all three daughters in your family went into science?! Why did you choose science rather than art?"

I didn't quite remember why other than I am very vain and science seem to be the "Wow science" kind of thing.

The posting earlier today brought me back to my school days...

I have never been good in memorising things but they kept on telling us to memorise those old people's writing and deeds... in Chinese, History and Geography class in junior high school and senior high school so that you can pass the entrance exams to high school and to college.

I still remember the time when they tried to make me memorise what Confucious said and writings of people like Lao Tzu, and 崔瑗. In addition, why on earth would I care about Taoism etc? It was pure suffering and absolutely annoying.... and still the same I feel today. Yet, they made you them memorised... Today, I can recall hardly anything they try to make me memorise..... leaving enough fragments to googlise.... 8-O lol

Maybe that was why... 8-O lol

鄉愿 disorder

An alternative hypothesis to the Can't mind my own business disorder or etiology is 鄉愿 disorder--- as per 孔子 in 論語陽貨13 "鄉愿，德之賊也."

Essentially, you try to make everybody like you indiscriminately. (Sort of like being fake and phony? Not quite sure how you translate it.)

An example would be...

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to walk down the stairs to the subway. Stairs are especially difficult for me and, after each step or two, I had to stop to recoperate before moving forward. Thus, it took me a long time to finally get to the station.

After arriving at the station, I tried to walk towards the direction of the first few cars. This was when yours disabled psychotic came across these two young kids....

They gave me this funny look and one of the woman said something like...

"Finally get here." Sounding sarcastic.

The other one added something like, "Because the night is still young."

Well, at this stage of my life, I am allowing myself to react so that I can move on to forget.

Thoughts ran through...

Ignorant people making fun of the plight of people with disability.

Live your life since I did complain to friends about how them people on wheelchair made the bus trip so much longer and that was the reason why I was late for the lunch.... 1-2 months right before the accident that shook me to a total disability state of being.

Sort of like what they said on TV... Life comes back at you fast. 8-O lol oops...

Regardless...

Think about it...

Two sentences I overheard from two strangers I walked past by in the subway station.

All the wing flipping....

The core of my problem... 鄉愿 而已.

Thought I was working on that?

Talk is cheap.

In my head

This guy's thought has been in my head more and more frequent... at times, represented in voices...

"柔弱生剛強"..... (might have something to do with my absolutely broken state of existence... 8-O lol)

Well known philosophy of 老子 or Lao Tzu....

老 子: 「道 德 經」 : 第 七 十 六 章

　 　 人 之 生 也 柔 弱 ， 其 死 也 堅 強 。
　 　 草 木 之 生 也 柔 脆 ， 其 死 也 枯 槁 。
　 　 故 堅 強 者 死 之 徒 ， 柔 弱 者 生 之 徒 。
　 　 是 以 兵 強 則 滅 ， 木 強 則 折 。
　 　 強 大 處 下 ， 柔 弱 處 上 。

老 子: 「道 德 經」 : 第 七 十 八 章

　 　 天 下 莫 柔 弱 於 水 ， 而 攻 堅 強 者 莫 之 能 勝 ， 以 其 無 以 易 之 。
　 　 弱 之 勝 強 ， 柔 之 勝 剛 ，
　 　 天 下 莫 不 知 ， 莫 能 行 。
　 　 是 以 聖 人 云 ：
　 　 「 受 國 之 垢 ， 是 謂 社 稷 主 ﹔
　 　 受 國 不 祥 ， 是 為 天 下 王 。 」
　 　 正 言 若 反 。

His idea has also been mentioned in the following classic 座右銘 by 崔瑗 〔後漢〕....

無道人之短, 無說己之長. 施人慎勿念, 受施慎勿忘.
世譽不足慕, 唯仁為紀綱. 隱心而後動, 謗議庸何傷.
無使名過實, 守愚聖所臧. 在涅貴不緇, 曖曖內含光.
柔弱生之徒, 老氏誡剛強. 行行鄙夫志, 悠悠故難量.
慎言節飲食, 知足勝不祥. 行之茍有恆, 久久自芬芳.

So psychotic...

As I was waiting for my smoking counsellor while folding my Spread Hexagon Tessellation like a good girl today, this thought came up to me...

I have heard people making comments about how people or things are "so psychotic!"

What exactly does it mean for people or things to be "so psychotic!"

Is it like the "As I was waiting for my smoking counsellor while folding my Spread Hexagon Tessellation like a good girl" kind of phenomenon that people refer to when they speak of "so psychotic!"

And....

What is the difference between "so psychotic!" and "so neurotic!"--- even though it ain't quite matter to me since I am both psychotic and neurotic.... 8-O lol 8-X

Perhaps, people use it interchangeably?

Can't mind my own business disorder

Recently, I came to this realisation...

One disorder I have not been diagnosed of... shall there even be such a diagnosis is the "can't mind my own business disorder"...

Unless, this is actually the etiology... 8-O lol

For instance, think about paranoia or self-referencing thinking...

Such as...

When I overheard one of this lady said to the other when I came out from my shrink's appointment... "It gets better... she would get worse."

Or... what this guy said to the woman standing next to him when I was trying to cross the street to take the bus earlier in the day... "At least it's gotta be 9 o'clock Tuesday night when...."

Mind your own business... why on earth do you keep on bringing other people into your imaginary world?

... while... if I can imagine it, someone gotta be able to entertain it.... otherwise there won't be such study about human cognition.... 8-O lol 8-X

Such a diagnosis or etiology is also applicable for the energy kinda stuffs etc....

Excruciating pain

Excruciating nerve pain...

You can't type..

Excruciating nerve pain...

A quote

An interesting quote I came across from a TV show that I hardly watch... Eastwick...

"You can't pretend the outcome without going through the motion..."

Sort of like what I always say to myself...

Talk is cheap.

Thoughts

It occurs to me that there seems to be some significant correlation between my body status and the amount of thoughts going through my head.

My interpretation: excessive thoughts and verbalization as a result of no good energy flow?

Allergy

Some people are allergic (i.e. have an electromagnetic allergy) to 50 or 60 Hz electromagnetic fields... (Well, I guess, next time you find someone that you dislike or distrust for no reason, you could think of it this way... I think I am allergic to their electromagnetic field... oops... 8-O lol)

At the same time, this leads me to ponder... Do people with similar personality occupy similar parts of the electromagnetic spectrum?

Or, do PCs and Macs create different magnetic fields and this is why some people feel more in tune with PC and others with Macs? 8-O lol

And, the perception of the electromagnetic field... is that what they call as aura? And, when people could see aura, is it because their electromagnetic field happen to be in the right frequency?

An interesting light reading about human existence and magnetic fields.... as I continue to be fascinated da ueber...

The chick that stares at trees

Tried to get out and move around and was only able to walk for as long as a block before it exceeds the body limits and the pain and spasm resurrects.

Needed to get some food for dinner... and I had to get some vegis from the fruit stand...

The longest block with 5 limping step at a time.

Sitting on the bench, staring at da tree... reminding of them winter's day and nights staring at da tree wondering whether there would be a day when I could walk again.

Would need to get back to my cane again.

However, it is much better than what I had to go through after the MRI scan... I think...

Did a whole lot of swinging thing so far today and would need more there after.

A pill of da Naproxen as well... after dinner so that I don't kill my stomach.

Is it scientifically possible?

Still, I could not help to ask...

All about energy

Absorbing or being affected by other people's energy?

I thought I was the only one crazy..... apparently, I might not be alone.... 8-O lol 8-X

(I especially like this woman's closing story... back to the theoretical framework...)

If I were one of the energy vampire, I would fall into the criticizing one, what would you be? Drama queen, sobbing sister, or else?

At the same time, I am still looking forward to a means to simply shield other people's energy off if there is anything true about it....

Guess this is why life kept on steering me away from the field of mental health if not health.... 8-O

Mirroring

Observations from the past few months...

I seem to be easily influenceable by the people I interact with....

It is as if I am rubbing off from their energy field and mirror their MO...

Unless it is simply a manifestation of Hysterical Personality Disorder...

The confusion of interpretations in an universe of theories.

How do you choose a theory and what's the utility of it?

The question... what could I do about it-- whichever theoretical framework?

Swinging in pain

An interesting observation about swinging in pain....

Pain migrates to all different areas from head to toe and could occur simultaneously.... in all different forms... throbbing... sharp... shooting... needle pinning.. etc...

How does modern science make out of it?

At the same time, speaking of my hysterical personality disorder.

Broken again

Just as I was thinking that things are getting better with my health...

Tried to help fixing a mistake today and to reshelf a few laptops...

My body struck back immediately.... and the pains and discomfort from head to toe resurrect..

It takes hours of physical exercises on a daily basis to maintain a semi-functionally disabled state of being...

To break it... takes only seconds... damn...

So I tried to get home... everything along with the cold... already back to... slow and stop.

The moral of the lesson... mind your own business and fix your own mistake... like it is going to take me a whole lot of swinging activities to get my body back... 15 minutes after my dinner...

If I can not stop making this mistake, I just have to live through the consequences and ain't nobody else could live the consequences for me.

You don't buy it? Come live in my body for a day and take the damages with you thereafter. (Now that should sort of scare you? lol)

Do I buy it? Doesn't matter since I live it everyday. 8-O lol sigh

Man... broken back mountain... when can I hike out of broken back mountain?

Hysterical personality disorder

I have pondered many a time whether one diagnosis I am missing is hysterical personality disorder... for...

My life is extremely boring but there always seems to be some drama going on that even I care not to entertain no more...

Head status...

Body status...

Immigration status...

Financial status...

And, all other unspecified status...

While, there ain't no nothing really in my life...

I go to work. When permitted, do some studying. I do exercise... more importantly, I eat, drink, pee pee, poo poo, sleep... blah blah blah...

It is like there ain't no nothing happening in my life but some hysterical part of my existence can not stop trying to come up with some strange scenarios independent of my contribution... 8-O lol

Then, I thought of this lady I once knew but haven't seen for eons...

Everytime I bumped into her on the street...

There was always traumatic kind of drama.... never-ending drama and it felt as if there was no way to politely end the conversation because of... drama... drama...

It always felt as if her drama was dragging me down along with her...

Finally, one day, your psychotic and neurotic me was in a session with my shrink at the time...

I told him that somehow that woman had some really unwanted impact on me... with her dramas...

My shrink looked at me and spit this sentence out of his mouth.

"Avoid her (for your own sake). She's got hysterical personality disorder."

Of course, at some point, yours hypochondriac asked the doctor...

"I always have something to complain and cope about. Looking at her, do I also have hysterical personality disorder?"

The wonderful doctor must have looked at me with due amusement and perhaps with a smile....

"You are psychotic." (Oops... sorry, symptoms, for a second, I almost forgot where you are... 8-O lol)

So..... in any case, I look up the current DSM criteria for my potential Hysterical Personality Disorder.... and ponder... How many of them fit my profile? 8-O 8-X

God bless me with ignorance....

A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
2. interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
5. has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
7. is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

At the same time, what is the purpose of diagnosis? To figure out what you could do about to help yourself and the others, I guess.

System update

While I have now turned my daily journaling inwards to my private blog, I continue to have the feeling that people still know what I write in my private dialogues.

Very positive...

A classic example of delusions and paranoia.

Second chance

One thing I have been pondering about is the concept of Second chance...

Many people significant to me were really dead in my life in the direst moments of my delusional state.

Their death were as real as any other death in sane people's world.

They were dead and miraculously they are now still alive.

Second chances are hard to come by especially in the reign of life and death.

I have been given a second chance and maybe this is the reason why I ain't wasting no opportunity to do things for them if I could...

Think about it and imagine this... what are you left with if you are the only one alive?

Ya... like what grandma said... live your life...

The utility of everyday thing... I guess...

I am crazy? No doubt... I am certified crazy... 8-O lol sigh

蝸牛與黃鸝鳥

Nice Taiwanese song.... 蝸牛與黃鸝鳥.... been singing it for a while... 8-O lol sigh

阿門阿門前一棵葡萄樹
阿嫩阿嫩綠地剛發芽
蝸牛背著那重重的殼呀
一步一步的往上爬　　　　　　　　　
蝸牛與黃鸝鳥
阿樹阿上兩隻黃鸝鳥
阿嘻嘻哈哈在笑它
葡萄成熟還早得很哪
現在上來幹什麼
阿黃阿黃鸝鳥不要笑
等我爬上它就成熟了

New York City Marathon

Went to cheer with my friend for the New York City Marathon today....

OMG... they ran from Staten Island through Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Bronx and back to Central Park West.... a good 26.2 mile distance... with local people and runners coming from all over the Globe...

Heroes... Heroes... a whole lot of heroes.... and speaking of Stamina.... I could barely walk 10 miles straight... and they completed the whole race in all different ways.... 8-O

When cheering and rooting for everyone on the road side close to the 23 mile benchmark, we saw across the street two girls carrying a sigh to cheer people up and to give them some encouragements to finish the race... "Think of Sex".... So the sigh said... Great motivator... perhaps... better than Mimosa... 8-O lol