Thursday, January 19, 2012

Who am I: The self years later

After numerous iterations of reconsideration, I decided to make this post of mine public... for those who might be going through or might have gone through the same thing...

Thursday, June 09, 2005
Who Am I Part I -- at the group level
Friday, June 10, 2005
Who Am I Part II- the self-construals

Over 10 years after my self-construal era and 6 and half year after these two posts, it feels really interesting to revisit the concept of individual self-construals especially at a time when the new people I come to know might have sort of figure out I am not like the normal.

Physical abnormality: easily identifiable.

Extra-physical abnormality or deviance from the norm people I recently come to know: Chances are, for them, they could speculate anything they want to but it would be sort of a little struggle for them to pinpoint where the exact deviance resides even though surely something there not quite within the norm.

Since I am not gonna go and blow my own cover (however thin the cover might be and at least not until my book comes out), unfortunately, I would simply let them fellows live through the adjustment process of entering my culture (Oops, sorry...). At the same time, would I consider changing myself?  How do you engineer the process of change shall you have no control over you mind and body?  I had sort of hoped that maybe people in Taiwan can get me normalized though now I am starting to wonder whether it is but an illusion at all (at least not a delusion). lol sigh

While, I guess, for my people back in NY, what is considered as not quite normal is but the norm. Although the "anything goes" attitude of New Yorkers might have something to do with it, I highly suspect that people might have just gotten used to it.  No grand reason at all.

Thus, all that I can hope is that, given time, everyone would be conditioned by the fact that I am simply who I am especially when I have no way to control who I am (otherwise, there wouldn't have been any blog at all).

Today, I have come to term with myself- ain't gonna try to figure out how normal people think since, regardless how the normal think, whether I will think like them is another issue.  And, the matter of the fact is that... something must have happened throughout these past few years because there are a whole lot of things going on in my body and in my head that I literally have no control over-- above and beyond the physical and the mental health things.

So I thought of the concept of the life-span development of the independent and interdependent self-contruals.

I had always been different... be it in Taiwan, in Canada, in the US, back in Taiwan or any other places I have traveled to... and even before I had my psychotic onset.

Many people had thought that it was the cultural differences that they were observing- regardless their cultural backgrounds-- only to realize eventually that it was not "only" the cultural background-- it was and has always been mes-- albeit the different versions of mes.

And, so I figure, what I had to live through these past few years might have somehow contributed to the promotion in the growth of independent self while working not so hard on developing that interdependence self.

I could go on with lengthy paragraphs trying to elaborate on this and that...  Yet, I will keep it simple and with them referring to them people I have encountered all these years regardless of geographically location and whether the "them" that I perceived exist or not in reality.

Controlling for the effects of the physical issues, what does it take for a paranoid schizophrenic to be functional in a world where everyone is constantly making judgments-- be them judgments positive, negative or neutral?  And, forget not, survival proceeds functionality.

If I were to be guided by my interdependent self and focus on practicing the belief that “people are understood primarily in connection to one another,”  I won't last too long at large although it has always been the beautiful people who had me carried along the way.

On the other hand, there is a need for my existence to be detached from the "social environment" because there is a very high likelihood that the environment created by my head is not shared by anyone else.  Since I have no control over myselves, I had to simply let myselves be "mes" since it's not like I have too many an option anyways.

Also, it is not like I knew what I was doing and I worked really hard everyday consciously trying to develop my independent self-construal while oppressing that of my interdependent self-construal.  Not so smart.

It just happened-- in time- while I was sleeping, while I was awake or somewhere in between- provided the same "environment" I carry with me regardless where I am. (Come to think about it, no wonder I can bear no weight since a world must be so of heavey. 8-O lol)

If I were to respond to a comment this friend of mine, an esteemed radiologist working in the field of psychiatry, once said, "You are too much influenced by your mental health condition," my reply today would be, "You bet.  I am looking forward to a day when you people can find a way to help me get rid of the impacts of the environment shared not by anyone else."

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?  God knows.  Just the way it is- human development if not developmental outcomes at this point.

Will my MO change in accordance to the change in the socio-cultural environment shared by the others?  What is the point of entertaining this question since we shall know when the time comes.

Was it all but at the mysterious thing called at the "cognitive" level?  God knows as well except I have a hypothesis-- I think it was that dorsal horn reorganization that nobody can prove or disprove that did it, perhaps.8-O lol

And, am I judging anyone?

Back to this quote of Frankl someone just last night, "No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in the similar situation he might not have done the same."

A motto in my life with this question myselves to ask:" What would I do if I were them?" With them referring to everyone I encounter in the "environment" I carry with me regardless of the geographical locations and whether "they" exist or not. 

The answer, I bet I would do the same.

Am I sure I am sure what I am talking about here?  The truth... I am sure I am sure I am not sure since that'd be the only thing I am ever sure of. 8-O lol

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