The multiple states of 倒霉

It just occurred to me that there might be 3 major levels of 倒霉 or being unlucky.

Level 1- The Ships passing through the sea level: It happens, it makes you feel mad and that’s it.

Level 2- The broken record level: It happens, it makes you feel mad and, just when things get better, something new happens again to make you feel mad again.

Level 3- The ultimate 阿Q level: To reach this level, you first experience the combination of level 1 and level 2 for an extended duration of time till you are so very 出神入化 in a defense mechanism rooted solely on 阿Q 精神 (e.g., What, DHS? You don’t even know about 阿Q 精神 ?) lol

God, Buddha or else?

The question of religion comes up once in a while like the waves hitting the shore….

It was back a few years ago when my mom became Christian while my dad remains to be whatever we have been throughout the time I could remember… some call it folk religion—a combination of Buddhism, Daoism, and many other different –isms.

What is my religious belief?—A question so many times I have been asked.

Anything, I guess--- So I responded so many a time— including science-ism, I figure…

So I saw my doctor again today, during our meeting, the topic of Religion emerged.

As I have commented before, according to the doctor himself, he is an atheist.

That leads me back to wonder about the degree of my religious belief… and what my beliefs are…

All these thoughts about 空 seems to go along that Buddhist line kind of thinking, not to mention all the conversations I have engaged in with Buddha and the disciples of Buddhism through my hallucinations, delusions etc.

Yet, don't I also communicate with God and actually used to pray for God to help me and guide me through all these times. My prayer often ended with comments (auditory hallucinations) such as “You are helped” or “You are guided each every step”(and no wonder they kept on guiding me into the nut house... lol)… Wouldn't that make me something like a Christian or Catholic?

It, then, occurred to me that… the night before I went into the cuckoo's nest for the second time, the time when I thought I was living through the apocalypse, where there was warfare, accidents, death, hatred and natural disasters, like, tsunamis, volcano explosions, earthquakes, flooding, and fires, everywhere… It was also a time of death for all forces sustaining order of nature—including Gods, spirits, ghosts, etc from all religions… and death itself I spoke with them all… from their moments of their ends to the point of their evaporation. Throughout these times of terror, there were 2 things I was told on how orders of nature could be restored--- “想好事,做好人” or “think good thoughts and be a good person (do good deeds)”-- in my delusions and hallucinations.

Since the contents of my delusions and hallucinations are the “involuntary” representation of my thoughts or unconsciousness, and, could not be altered voluntarily by me consciously, I highly suspect that such representations of that big huge delusional system that led to my institutionalization might be an actual presentation of a religious belief that--- I believe more than in God, Buddha, Tao-ist, Islamic, and Greek God…. I believe in them all. Although, I suspect that the real religious people will not really consider me as religious.

Or, could it be that, despite my frequent conversation with them all… I really have no religion?

Or, could it be that… for me, all that religion is about is--- “想好事,做好人” or “think good thoughts and be a good person (do good deeds)”?

In any case, regardless whether I am religious or not, I guess, at least... religious ideas do give me some thing or a lot of things to be hallucinating and delusional about..... adding some more colors to my boring life...

In any case, at least now I know, when comparing the second time I went into the Nuts House and the third time, in February this year--- both times involved the concept of death and harm done to my loved ones--- this round seems to be one of Mickey Mouse scale because it did not involve global disasters and suffering throughout the different levels of the worlds...

In addition, I just realized that, eventhough I do not have a green card, even my hallucinations and delusions are fairly global.... (ok.. a Taiwanese joke... lol)

Swing

I have been talking about that swinging thing I do day and night these past three weeks or so…

So I swing when I watch TV, I swing lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I swing standing on the balcony overlooking the busiest streets of the East side in Taipei, and, I swing any other time in between whether I consciously pay my attention doing it.

When swinging, my mind bears no thoughts… not because no thought occurs in my airhead but because they come and go like ships passing in the sea… without a trace… how you might want to put it.

There was a time when I swing into a poetic moment--- ancient Chinese poem came out on its own from my mouth while my hands, legs, and other parts of my body moving towards their own preferred directions.

Many a time did I look into the world and the sky when swinging… many a time did I see colorful clouds above while, blue and white, in reality.

There were those other times when I closed my eyes while letting my body doing its own swinging thing… it was then when in the black background I saw and felt visions flashing through.

Of course, there were also voices… auditory hallucinations— perhaps reminding me to let go, to experiences 空 and many other things I am not even quite sure whether they entered my long term memory.

Therefore… ok… there were thoughts entering into my consciousness and the information processing.

Yet, in the pursuit of coming to a state of fuller recovery, I had to make a decision on what to do with all these experiences as well as what and how to interpret them.

The first thing I had to do was to decide whether I wanted to believe in my rehabilitation doctor—a western doctor using 氣 as the sole method to treatment--- no traction, to electric therapy, no heat therapy and no exercises.

Given the 臭頭多藥 nature of my condition and the remembrance of my past experiences his movements invoke, I decided to learn to believe his theory and methods.

However, the treatment he prescribed seemed to be far tougher than any other treatments I have received so far.

According to the doctor, the only way for the treatment to work is for me to accept my 元神 to come in and heal my body.

This has to be true acceptance because, even if I could lie to myself that I accept, I would still not accept my 元神, which has made me who I am so far, to come in and do work on me.

A bit later, either it was the doctor or my hallucinations brought up the topic of letting go or 放下… somewhere along the line, there came again this 空 thing that had driven me so 空空 as to go into the psychiatric wards.

The funny thing is that I am the one who still have this question of psychosomatization in my mind… to the extent that… I brought up the topic to the doctor that, “Could the much better recovery I observe in myself nowadays the proof of psychogenesis of my condition, manifested in the symptoms of psychosomatization?”

The doctor shook his head and said “no.”

I know, though, still, the psychosomatic hypothesis is still a thought I could not let go of….

The greatest irony I find in my headless swinging life is that… I am asked of nothing new, I do nothing new, I am required to learn nothing new…

Yet, it is the big great nothing-ly existence that requires me to deconstruct a majority part of my life—represented as my beliefs.

For instance, in our last meeting, the doctor made a comment like, “all that you have experienced is correct (real or not wrong).”

I responded with something like… “But it makes it so difficult because now I have to live in a life contradicting to all my previous beliefs.”

Yes, just when I am sort of getting a grip on how to live with the sensory kind of hallucinations that many of my psychiatrists haven’t heard reported before, now I am told that all those are not hallucinations and it is the acceptance of them that could help me heal while, in reality, it seems to help?

This puts me in a strange state… thinking why is it so difficult to be just ordinarily crazy because what I am feeling now is—not so much as losing ground—more like floating in the air without a ground to root (while I can’t stop wondering whether one should even bother about wanting to be grounded… 8-O)

(I guess, at this point, some might start wondering whether I need to go back to the New York Psychiatric Institute except for now I can’t even go back to the United States. lol)

Well…

Since I have no idea when I will come to true acceptance about my 元神, which is essentially myself…

Since my words are too limited to make you understand the experiences of mine….

Since the process is mine to go through and I don’t know what it could do for you…

I decided to put in writing today to share with you the dilemma I am facing in a swinging existence.

So they say… someone’s garbage is other’s resource and vice versa…. Hope there is something worth recycling… 8-O lol

At least, for me personally… and it just came to my attention that… either it is because the pains have gone down and the recovery in progress… I seem to have ceased to have the need for a, if not many, Why. (I guess all has been written down so please don't ask me why... lol)

Anniversary

It was not until this afternoon did I come to the realization that…

Man… today mark the one year anniversary of the accident that took away my health and a job away from me.

In addition to TV watching, eating and sleeping, all that I do everyday now is… think of nothing, try to release all attempt my mind has to control my body and allow 原神 to repair my body through 行氣. 行氣 involves the sensation of energies moving around your body and could result in movement looking like tai chi--- a more extended version of my swinging movement mentioned in my earlier posting— it is something I used to thought as my sensory and motor hallucinations and now confirmed by people who have had experiences of 行氣.

It was June 19th, 2007, when I was sitting attentively in a meeting about urban education, munching on a piece of raison bran cookie, and, when the foldable chair collapsed under me into one flat piece.

My life now and then seems to be night and day or day and night.

Up to June 19th, 2007, I was young, enthusiastic, energetic, and, perhaps, helpless with my wishful thinking in all capacities.

I vowed to contribute to the betterment of the urban education--- those entitled by our inner city kids.

There are those kids, parents, and the schools that I came across with… I spoke of them as if they were my own.

The topics of discussion in my everyday life surrounds… organizational change, instructional technologies, psychology, research methodology… etc.

Then, the accident fell from the sky and I fell straight on the floor in sitting position at full force.

I remember clearly how in the first week or two, I could still make comments like… “Thank God it is me who sustained the injury for I am still young… It would be much worse off if it were my boss, the faculty members or the school principals because they are older and it would have caused far more inconvenience to some part of the worlds’ important operations.” (Think about a principal-less inner city school for instance).

Today, I would say such comments are as dump and as obnoxious as possible for… not only was I 泥菩薩過江自身難保, such thinking also seem to insinuate a certain degree of importance I assumed about my “suffering.”

So, I walked up and down the street of New York, seeing the green leaves on the trees turning color till eventually leaving on the bare branches. Coming out of the winter, I also walked into my everyday life finding more and more trees blossom and budding till the trees, again, turned green--- at least at the last sight I have of my New York City.

I have gone from receiving disability check till the money discontinued leaving me no income to cover my living expenses.

I have one from being authorized to receive treatment for my spinal injury till I had the greatest difficulties getting physical therapy for my back despite of the court order.

There might have been pains, disability, anger, frustration, depression, delusion, and, the perceived social injustice.

I have gained weight, lost weight, and gain weight again.

In between, I have also gone in and out the New York Psychiatric Institution.

And, let’s not forget how that conversion disorder and psychosomatization thing--- the all inclusive answer to the question that how could my 4-6 disc herniation going from cervical, thoracic to lumbar spine plus the straighten cervical spine caused pains and disability so severe and lasting for such a duration.

In addition to the above, I also received some bad news from the Department of the Homeland Security of the US twice… the first time was about the denial of my self-sponsoring green card as an extraordinary alien while, the second time is more recent—the denial of my Visa application which happened last week.

Looking back, it seems to be fairly self-evident that I have amounted to nothing more than words I have written down through my blog throughout the whole year.

While within this time… many more unfortunate natural disasters globally later and bad economy everywhere in the world reported…. And more.

It is quite weird to look at how evidently useless a year of my life had gone by--- especially when I was thinking about it while swinging my body doing the 行氣 thing on the balcony earlier in the evening.

So I got a cake and my dad boiled two eggs tonight to celebrate the one year anniversary of the accident--- or, perhaps, it is more appropriate to call it the “coming out celebration from my injuries.”

Before he boiled the eggs, my dad mentioned to me about the egg boiling thing… because the act of cracking and pilling off the egg shelf (脫殼) is a symbol of getting over the past…

I welcomed his suggestion and this comment slipped out naturally… “不過是一個殼子而已” (but a shell)--- oops… and I sort of understood what it means…

This makes me wonder, other than my verbal diarrhea in written version, other than the loving thoughts I have and other than the weight I gained… Could it be that this year was not all for nothing although all those once so very important things now seems fairly nothing to me?

Maybe I am in shock, in denial, too drugged out or in everything else otherwise not classified…. Yet… so I thought… life, oh, life.

What do I know....

空: 反觀諸己

I haven't done much in the past months other than eating, sleeping, watching TV and seeing doctors.

Unfortunately, in recent days, there seems to be something more I am asked of… from all different sources.

In the state of 空- 反觀諸己 or perform self-inspection.

My auditory hallucinations, the kind that gives me guidance, have been telling me to all things down and focus on answering the question (while I am still not quite sure what the question is and what the answer could be).

The way I interpret rehabilitation doctor's (the chi-kong one) comment is that it is by letting go of all things leading to conflicts would I be obey the laws of nature and heal. (Did I mention that he actually is a “western” medical doctor?)

My mama's preacher called to pray for me. In line with the above, he also mentioned that I shall relax and take it easy because it might be God's will that it is time for me to rest and rehab.

The biggest problem I have is that… I don't know what it means to be in a state of 空…

Is it a state without which I could think of nothing and feel bothered by nothing?

Or is it a state within which I accept the interference of all things while not being affected by it? Sort of like the time when I am about to fall asleep… different voices and different thoughts would float around in my head and disappear immediately?

I have long been told that the only way for me to move on is for me to come to a better understanding of 空…. not so that I could become a nun… rather, so that I could think and do the thing called self-inspection or 反觀諸己 for, I guess, my mind might have the tendency to be cluttered with thoughts.

And, perhaps, in a state of 空… however rare it occurs, we could let go of all our tendencies to fight and to control, to prove and to disprove as well.

We could say---

How beautiful is it that we once loved all that we love so strong and we could even go crazy for…

How amazing life is… now… all things said and done… now I will learn to let myself go…

It doesn't mean that I won't try again to apply for the Visa.

It doesn't mean I am going to stop looking for that American Husband to get me a green card.

It also doesn't have to mean that all I have loved is unloved.

It only means that… now I finally understand why I took down my Ratology blog and why I said some of the things in that blog.

Perhaps, it only means that… at times, the state of 空 seems to make it much easier to take acceptance and rejection and all things in between. It doesn't mean anything has to stop. It only means things just come and go… it is but natural.

Guess this is why I like only the first and last chapter of the Chinese Classic titled “紅樓夢”—nothing more than 假語村言.

(Or, perhaps I am but in the state of denial… Hi, Yo, the Department of Homeland Security of the United States, where else do you have an alien that would sacrifice her spine for the benefit of the American Urban Education? 8-O lol)

How is my head

I suspect my head status is still fairly functional except for my hallucinations nowadays won't stop preaching me... while I also feel fairly over-drugged by seroquel and depakote...

Tough life.... 8-X

The second day after- psychotic dissertation?

Today is the second day after my application for US student Visa got denied.

From last night on, I have been getting this message through my auditory hallucinations that… accept yourself and see what exactly it is that you want.

This apparently has something to do with what my rehabilitation doctor had told me these last two times. According to him, I have been blocking my 元神 from healing me for a while. Since my 元神 is what has created me using chi, the progress of my recovery is dependent on my acceptance of my 元神 or myself and most importantly, do not lie to yourself. He also added that… 人定不會勝天--- 要順天意而行 or obey the rules or order of nature (God) since the will of human cannot compete with that of Nature (God)

It is easy to say “I accept” but difficult to know what I really should accept. In addition, if it is my unconsciousness that wants to lie to myself, I don’t really think there are too many things I could do about it otherwise it would not be called unconsciousness.

I am still in the process of trying to figure out what exactly it means for me to accept and how it could be done. For instance, when I used to feel depressed, I had the tendency to fight it off

Back to the messages I got from my hallucinations…

The voices came up when I was watching TV last night, it came up when I was doing my knee-swinging exercise, and, it came up immediately after I woke up this morning--- with the messages gradually shifted from the focus of self accept to urging me to identify what exactly it is that I want in my life. In addition, I was also told that… it is not until I could figure the puzzle out could I move on…. (oops… apparently I am hijacked or blackmailed by my psychotic symptoms)

I was told to keep my mind clear of all other thoughts except for trying to answer one simple question….

“So what answer could you offer for the question you have to come up with?”

Other than the inconvenience of the sudden need to move out of my apartment in New York while I am in Taipei… no US visa, so what other answer could I offer to the unknown question I have been asked?


Sounds like my psychosis is now asking me to come up with a dissertation topic... 8-O

By the way, it seems the "advisement" I receive accounts for the majority of the auditory hallucinations.

The day after... 叫春時段

The way I feel now is more or less like having to unwillingly depart from someone I love.

I woke up in the morning feeling all depressed and at a loss.

It is so sad.

I feel so miserable.

I heard this voice whisper in my heart--- I see no hope--- I want to die… 8-O

Nothing could cheer me up because I have been banned from my love.

I have no idea how my loved one is doing and I suspect that my loved one is doing just fine with or without me.

Who am I without my love--- I asked.

Who am I now I am out of work and income?

And… I am still paying rent in New York.

How am I going to move when I am in Taipei and my apartment is in New York?

Then, I checked my email… there are still people—American People in New York—who would love to see me back in New York… I thought…

That cheered me up a bit more…

Now I could think more—straight--…

Like what I write in the winter--- one day I will be back, my Upper West Side and you will still be my Upper West Side…

And, I took one of my morning pill—Zoloft…

That also helped…

Something will work… today is Saturday…

Let me make it through this weekend and deal with the aftershocks.

So I walked with my mom to the market.

I saw nice people on the street- going about with their everyday business— selling meat, vegetables, fruit and all the ordinary things.

I stood in front of a fruit stand, pointing at a donut peach---

“How much is it?” I asked.

“80 each.” The vender responded.

“Almost 3 dollars each.” I thought to myself.

“Are they from Taiwan?” I asked.

“Imported from the United States.” She answered.

I pointed the donut peaches to my mom… “We used to buy it from China Town.”

We came to a different fruit shop and mom saw some nectarines.

“Do you want me to buy some for you?” Mama asked.

“They are imported. We got a lot of them in the States.”

“We?” I thought to myself… Who are we?

I can't even land the soil to move my stuffs out of my apartment now and I am still using the word we?

And yet, today, I could only see them imported…

It is a really funny feeling…

It is as if I just break up with my loved one and still unconsciously thought we are together…

On our way back from the market, I saw a nun….

The sight of the nun made me feel… sort of like… envious…

That thought I had been fighting against came back again… that thought of 入空門 (although 既空何有門) resurrected again…

Yet, this voice came up to me saying something like…

“that's not for you. It would be like taking a short-cut from what life asks of you. In addition, would it just be the “someone else’s garden is greener” kinda phenomena?”

At some point, it doesn't bother me anymore…

I might have heard some voices telling me that… this is God's will to kick you out of your long-standing position of being in that state of limbo.

I might have thought that now I could accept the inevitable departure.

I might have even joked with my mama about paying some American guy to be my Green Card husband.

I might have come to the realization that… perhaps, green card is like that doctoral degree or those guys whom I never went out with… it has more to do with what I don't have rather than why I don't have it.

I might have had many many more thoughts here and there in between.

At some point, this sense of sorrow and emptiness overcame me again…

It is the kind of sorrow you have remembering the times past—those good and bad times you have shared with your loved one.

It is the kind of emptiness you experience when pondering what it would be like to continue living a life without your loved one.

It is sad…. Very sad.

So I sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV and did some channel surfing.

I can’t even bear watching TV…

It hurts even more when I encounter programs I used to watch in New York…

All the shows on TV reminded me of the old times… now the time has changed.

So I sadly surfed from one channel to the other… feeling desolated and deserted… and, eventually, that small voice came out whispering again…. Such heart ache… how could I continue to live without you…

Then, I realized that the TV programs could not even catch my attention.

I came back to the computer, for the second time this evening, trying to draft something down…. about what it feels like to lose one's love…

在劫難逃 III: 臭頭多藥

臭頭多藥 is a very earthy Taiwanese saying….

臭頭 means having dermatological disease on your head.

多藥 means many different kinds of treatments.

Essentially, this expression means that when you got no idea what to do with your sickness, all that you could do is to try out all treatments imaginable on this planet.

I have struggled for almost a whole year trying to recover from my spinal condition while all, including myself, agree that the degree of pains and mobility difficulties seem to exceed what my 6 herniated discs ranging from cervical, thoracic and lumbar area could explain. My sensitivity to pain also seems to be unheard of (according to this brother of mine who is an orthopedic doctor), especially the part when I claim to experience intensified pains when encountering vibrations or loud sound.

I suspect the worsening of my mental condition might also have something to do with the repercussion of the injury… however, apparently, depression seems to be the best documented psychological co-morbidity and I haven’t really come across cases involving psychotic kinda disorder as the co-morbidity.

When I was planning my trip to come back to Taiwan this year (only to find out today that the United States of America decided to not let me go back lol), I have made up my mind to adopt the status of a 臭頭 so as to proceed with the 多藥 strategy.

Within the past few weeks, I not only have gone to see orthopedics doctors and neurologists but, for the first time, received treatment using traction, acupuncture, chi-Kong (energy healing) and “God's” healing through psychic mediums.

Yours 臭頭 or Ratprincess had come to the realization that all of the 多藥 seems to be working on imposing additional pains, releasing blood and, sometimes, worsening mobility in order to reach the optimal treatment effects. Following are some of the alternative treatments I have newly experienced….

Traction or the modern 五馬分屍法:

My mom has been telling me to do the traction thing. Essentially, you are stripped to a seat or the bed while the moving part of the equipment tries to pull your head or your lower body away from the rest part of your body. The assumption is that… in time, we might be able to get that herniated disk less herniated.

Acupuncture or the purposeful enactment of 血光之災:

An aunt of mine is a doctor of Eastern medicine and is trained in acupuncture. Accordingly, the optimal effects of acupuncture come after extreme pains… As a result, the more painful, the better…. Essentially, there are two major types of pains. The first is the pains associated with having needles stick into a specific region or 穴道. The second is the pains triggered by these needles in remote regions.

In addition to the Mickey mouse amount of blood I shade due to the ordinary needling, my aunt also perform the art of 放血 in the back of my right knee. Funny enough, I really saw two types of blood on the tissue she used—fresh red blood and darker stickier blood.

Energy Healing:

My dad took me to this energy healer who asserts that all conditions could find a relief as long as our inner energy source is invoked. When I went to see the energy healer for the first time, she asked me to write my name down on a piece of paper and fanned the piece of paper to get a sense of, I guess, my energy field. I was informed that my whole spine is very much fucked up and my spinal problem might have caused problems in other parts of my internal organ. It was much later, after I received my free treatments from her disciples was I told that… I am so sick all over the places that… she actually had to go to the toilette to throw up after sensing my energy filed… 8-O (Oh, my lord… 罪過, 罪過 and here I 造業 again….)

Regarding the treatment, they lied me down on a couch and had two people placing three of their fingers at different locations along my spine. The amazing thing is that… I could sense it when they do it… In addition, their action did not result in a sense of comfort… on the other, the various degrees of pains at different part of my body were triggered. The pains did not stay at one location… rather, they moved around throughout my body….

Afterwards, when we were trying to get home… I realized that my “walkability” had gone back to a few steps at a time-- reliving the pains and disability I lived through the first few months after the accident on June 19th, 2007.

They had warned me, though, in advance of this phenomenon called 瞑眩反應.

Accordingly, the goal of Chinese medicine is to help the body build its own strength so as to perform self-reparation, which subsequently, might result in 瞑眩反應. 瞑眩反應 is natural healing process for the body. While some patients could experience immediate relief from treatments, others might actually experience the worsening of existing conditions. Still others might even find old problems that were suppressed but not cured to resurface.

I was told that, because my condition has lasted for so long and so severe, what the treatment might do is to trigger the worsening of my pains and disability before seeing improvement.

Call it self-fulfilling prophesy or psychosomatization… the immediate worsening of the condition—I lived it…

Chi-Kong: Ratprincess on fire-- 火氣 and元神

Then, my dad and my mom took me to this rehabilitation doctor who uses Chi-Kong in his practice.

The first day I went to see him, he must have done some work on work on the chi pathway… I don't quite remember today whether the pains became aggravated during the meeting… What I could not forget is the fact that, after the appointment, on our way home, I started to have more and more difficulties walking… fewer steps before a rest and more difficulties lifting my feet… until I could not life my feet at all--- regressing to the walking style I unfortunately adopted for many a day right after my injury. Thank God almighty, after the worsening of the gait, spasm, and, pain hit its height, my walking gradually became better to the extent that I eventually made it home…

Another manifestation of 瞑眩反應… I guess…

Interesting enough, based on his “chi-ish” observation, this doctor of mine suggested against my receiving the ordinary physical therapy practices (in other words, no more traction again) because, according to him, there are too many problems along my spine and these problems are small and difficult for people to observe. Given the nature of the problem, not only will other people be unable to fixed my really fucked up body, if they try, they would actually make things worse. The only way to get the condition resolved is to accept and allow our 元神 or 氣 or “Chi” that constitutes and created me to fix myself.

So far, I have seen this doctor about four times… The funny thing about my meeting with this doctor is that everything he does is “Chi” related. The first two times when I saw him, he tried to unblock the pathway of my “chi” by using his hands to make certain motions without even having to touch me. Yet, I actually sensed either the impacts or the changes in my body accordingly… 8-O

The only thing he told me to do is to lie down in bed and move my legs towards my torso with my feet resting on the bed. In this position, gently and slowly swing both knees from left to right and vice versa… and try to, eventually, let the body, not the mind, lead the flow— both in speed and direction—of the motion.

When I went to see him the other day, he started by asking me to hit my elbow against his palm in a certain way… Then, without him touching me, I started to feel氣 or “Chi” moving around my body… struggling to descend from my head down to my feet.

I still could not quite understand why I feel so clearly the way I do… the moving, blocking, turning and releasing of 氣 chi inside of my body.

While Chi was moving around in my body, he gave us a brief introduction on the concept of chi and 元神… Essentially, what he is trying to do with me is to unblock the pathway of chi so that my 元神 could help me get myself repaired.

Remember that I had mentioned in my previous posting that my body would “stretch” my neck to the left, to the right and pull my neck up as if I were getting neck treatment from a chiropractor…

What the doctor mentioned reminded me of such and I told him of such experiences.

He confirmed that the “physical therapy” my own body applies to itself could be much to the point and effective than those performed by other people on me. What he does for me is nothing more than getting rid of some barriers so that my 元神 could enter my body to perform reparation.

He also mentioned that we all have the ability to sense the movement of 氣 or chi in our body except for special conditions tend to make it easier for us to observe such feeling.

“Think clearly and you will be able to recall observations alike even earlier on in your life… “ He added.

It, then, occurred to me, all these bodily sensations I have mentioned in my postings throughout the years….

It could be the observations I made in the times of the most severe pains, when I had to take a break with each every step due to the pains, how I often had this feeling of having some energy coming down from the top of my head and spreading throughout my body to calm my body and ease the pains.

It could be when I used to wake up in the morning, feeling this sense of energy coming down from my head to greet me morning in the voice of God (my, ok, psychotic interpretation).

I have been confused or shocked by the doctor's comments ever since because such sensations of mine which have long been classified as the bodily kinda hallucinations…. from the perspective of Chi-Kong, is considered “normal.” Furthermore, the doctor indicated… I am exceptionally lucky to be so very perceptive because ordinary people could not have such experiences…. 8-O

Before I left our appointment today, I asked the doctor another strange phenomenon I observed recently…

When in standing position, recently, I often have this strange feeling that my hands would be lifted by some kind of force… like chi…

The doctor replied, “It is your火氣 that is coming out from your body because your 元神 could now come in to get the bad chi out.”

“When would my 火氣 be let all out?” I asked.

“When you could truly accept your 元神—that is yourself—and stop fighting about being who you are. Be true to yourself… don't lie to yourself.” He responded.

“Does it mean that it is 心病?” Following the conversion disorder way of thinking… I asked.

His response... essentially… mind can't be separated from body and body can’t be separated from the mind. Thus, all is about 心病 the component of 心 is always there.

Somewhere along our conversations, I was told again and again, “This has nothing to do with Gods and Ghosts. All was destined… including why the chair would collapse under you. It will do you good if you could move through it.” (the multiple manifestation of the same principle-- 在劫難逃—again I thought…)

Since I can't quite see yet what good my experiences and the process could bring to me now…

On the day when the denial of US visa application got my 火氣 risen again, I decided to finish this posting wishing there is some good my 劫 could do for you…. for a selfish reason… the world is connected… your good is my good, regardless.

In addition, already do I need to apologize to those who might have done me wrong (in my perspective) for the potential to add 業障 to their own karma (oops), why on earth do I want to cumulate more 怨氣 to the pre-existing 心火? (阿彌陀佛, 善哉善哉, May God bless you, your house, your family) lol

Unemployed in Taiwan… homeless in New York

Today marked the first day for me to be officially unemployed.

Even during the time when I was on disability, I still know in the bottom of my heart that, when I get better, I will always have a job to go back to.

In other times, when I am on vacation, I know deep down that I have a job to go back to.

This time is different.

Much different.

The job is still there and my bosses still there…

Yet, New York is a city I have been barred from by the immigration services of the Department of Homeland Security.

Well, maybe I will get lucky in the next few weeks when trying to apply for the US visa again… either get a student visa to complete the program requirement or to get some kind of visa to move all my stuffs out of my room.

Yet, for the time being, I think I will allow myself to spend some time in the next few days to look back in fondness the time, in New York, I lived.

If I had told you that I felt like a lost soul in limbo before, I was wrong.

I did not intend to lie to you.

Yet, it was because I did not know then what it really means to be a lost soul in limbo.

And, perhaps, as life unfolds, I would constantly be in the process of recanting my statement of understanding.

After lunch, I took a nap… something instinctual since I was still in a state of shock, I guess.

The shock about what? Not being about to visit the United States?

Nope…

Rather, I was and still am taking aback by how simple it is for my life to be taken away….

And, ya, I am a Taiwanese but I have been living in New York for the last 10 years… not living… visiting…

They say that, before death, you see the past flashing through your mind….

Before I closed my eyes and after, I saw all the lovely people I have encountered and loved throughout all these years…

The benches on the street….

The sirens I hear souring from 6 floors under on the street….

All those are the past… although soon all these and me will be growing apart on our separate track.

Ya… it is not about the United States… it is about the people.

It is a thought far more than unbearable—the departure from one’s life-- even though I am already gone and, although, I guess, in my mind I am not really ready yet for the departure.

Yet, this leads me to wonder whether anyone could really be ready when the time comes.

So, here I am, like what I have been doing the last four weeks… at home, in Taiwan, trying to recover from my spinal injury--- The only difference between the same time yesterday and today is that… today I found myself out of work and no longer have a home in New York.

Staring into the big chunk of nothingness in my head… that’s why I say now I know in a different capacity what it means to be a lost soul in limbo… 8-O lol sigh

A note for my American Husband

A note for my American Husband.... please contact me as soon as possible so that I could come back to take care of my business in New York....

On a second thought, at least now I know what it is like to be denied of green card and US visa in addition to being in chronic pains and having difficulties at "walk."

在劫難逃 II: 倒霉至極- Visa denied

I kept on trying to finish the part two of my 在劫難逃 posting. However, it kept on getting stalled and I just could not finish it…

Today, I limped along with my cane to the American Institute in Taipei to get my visa to go back to New York to finish my unfinished business.

After a long wait, finally it was my turn for the interview… and the terminal ruling was--- visa denied.

The reason? Something like there is no proof that I am bounded to a degree program or something like that.

I said to the immigration officer, “But I could have finished the degree last year except for the fact that I was on sick leave the whole year and I even have the doctor’s note to prove it.”

Useless attempt.

“Is there anyone else I could speak with?” I politely inquired further.

“Nope.”

So I walked away from the window with a piece of paper different from that received by the others—abnormal, extra-ordinary? lol

Walking out of the American Institute, bewildered by my not really feeling all that bad, the security guard greeted me, asking me which way I was heading to….

“Go home.” I responded.

On my way home, I saw people and people saw me… and, naturally, to me, they knew that my visa application just got denied and everyone have that empathic look to me.

Call me in shock or I had already seen it coming… It doesn’t really matter.

I, interestingly, felt calm and a sense of relief… sort of like what the words of Bismarck cited in Frankl’s writing, “Life is like being at the dentist. You always think that the worst is still to come, and yet it is over already.”

For me, the worst is not the denied of green card or visa (although the denial of the first might have something to do with the denial of the later.)

The worst was the process of living up to today… through the pains, agony, anger, frustration, loss, sense of injustice and uncertainty, which could be readily found in my Ratology blog.

Facing a new era of my life…

I thought back to the point when I was coming back to Taipei this time… wanting to see whether I had finished as much of my unfinished business as possible.

Bill payment? Relationships? Work duty? Did I leave out anything else?

The only major problem I have is… how am I going to move things out of my room in New York city now that I can’t even get back to the United States?

The real emotional response I have is (and I know the gentleman was just doing his job)… “I have lost the health of my spine for the benefit of your American Education. Even though this is something 在劫難逃 and this is absolutely GOD DAMN FXCKING FUCKED-UP that you denied my stupid visa. Fucked up… Fucked up….” (Oops… 8-O Zen moment… lol sigh)

PS. Ratprincess is still looking for an American Husband so that she could convert him into Taiwanese. Please contact me if you are interested… lol

在劫難逃 I

Adhering the 臭頭多藥 principle, I went with my dad to a 媽祖廟 to get some advices from 媽祖 via the designated medium.

The last time I came to this temple which is on the 31st floor of a high-rise in Taipei, 三太子 told us to go back home to pay respects to our ancestors. 三太子 also indicated that the prolonged recovery has something to do with a prank played by my ancestors—although it is 天機不可洩露—which one of my ancestors is at fault.

Coming out from the temple and on our way home, my dad asked me this question, which I had asked myself gazillion times more, “Would things have been different should you have gone straight to work right after college and not have studied so much more?”

Without any deliberation, the following response came right out of my mouth, “No. It wouldn't make any difference. It's 在劫難逃.” Sort of like 跑得了和尚跑不了廟 while the “廟” represents the general destiny of mine and 和尚 represents how I choose to live my life. (Hope it makes sense to you.)

Regardless whether I believe in God(s), it is a strange thought that my ancestors would play a prank like such--- rendering me so very retarded in the progress of recovery.

Then, this thought came up to me…

Since it is 在劫難逃 or something bad is destined to happen, my ancestors might have tried to help me by allowing the lesser evil to occur.

I chose to believe in such rationale while my dad did not want to buy it.

After paying respects to our ancestors, dad took me back to the temple again today.

They sat me by the alter next to the medium who relays messages from 媽祖 today.

Following are some of the conversation I had with 媽祖 through the medium although I do not recall all of the conversation and some part of it I might have misunderstood given that the medium was speaking really fast in Taiwanese (exceeding my proficiency level I guess… 8-X).

Of course, we started the session with a brief introduction… “I was in a meeting at work. The chair collapsed under me, I fell in sitting position, and, the recovery is extremely slow when comparing to the others.”

"You know this will have repercussion through your entire life.” So said the medium relaying 媽祖's words (from now on I will simply state 媽祖).

“I know.” (I really do know based on all the things I have learned so far about the spinal kind of problem and the collateral damages to internal organ, according to the Eastern medicine. In addition, wasn't the job I lost as a result of my inability to work part of the collateral damage of the accident?)

“You know?” 媽祖 looked at me with surprise and asked again to reconfirm whether I really meant what I said.

“Yes, I know.”

“You know there is a reason why the chair collapsed under you but not others?” 媽祖 said.

“It is your 劫數 for your 業障.” 媽祖 added.

“What bad thing have I done in my life so far to deserve such experiences?” I asked.

“It was your past life.” 媽祖 said.

“You made a wish to help, contribute and educate as many people as possible.” 媽祖 added.

“I did make a wish to help, contribute and educate as many people as possible.” So I replied.

“I am speaking of your past life.” 媽祖 laughed.

“I am talking about this life.” I replied, sort of confused by my cross-incarnation long anal retentiveness in helping the others…

Apparently, in my past life, I was once a monk and/or once a nun. I made the 菩薩願 to help, contribute and educate as many people as possible.

“If I were a monk, how would I accumulate such much業障—only could be repaid by all my conditions?” I was confused again.

“It was the sin of being jealous—the jealousy about other people being better than you and amounting more than you could amount to…. The jealousy led you to be in others’ way and that's how you got your 業障” 媽祖 replied.

“So, what could I do?”

“Basically, you will need to seek both Western and Eastern medical attentions as well as do good deeds by fulfilling the wish-菩薩願- you have made to help and educate as many people as possible. Your condition will get better within a year or more. However, the speed of your recovery is dependent on your fulfillment of the wish.” 媽祖 elaborated.

媽祖 might have also mentioned it to be a road sort of bumpy to lead…

At this point, I sort of felt victimized by either my past life or karma…

“Why on earth did I make that 菩薩願 in my past life?” I asked this question, thinking to myself… isn't it already difficult enough to be human? Why on earth did I want to be 菩薩?

Thereafter, the medium wrote down some words on the glass table and painted 7 符咒 for me.

I was also instructed to chant 楞嚴咒 because it would be helpful in enlightening my airhead.

The concept of my having been in空門 as a monk or nun seems to make sense for much of my delusional thinking and hallucinations.

At some point, I asked 媽祖 this question with the highest degree of sincerity, “Is this because I was a monk before that I can't stop thinking about 空 to the extent of being 空空 (sort of like "crazy" in English)?”

媽祖 laughed again and responded, “chant 楞嚴咒 and it will help you see 空 in a different capacity.”

On our way back home, I felt a great sense of relief and I told my dad how I felt.

“You feel a sense of relief?” My dad didn't quite understand.

I told him, “Because the conversation with 媽祖today gives me a different perspective to understand my mental and physical condition—or some of the greatest puzzles I have found in my life so far.”

I went to my dentist later in the evening after missing the appointment earlier in the day due to me still in line waiting to communicate with 媽祖.

The dentist asked me when I was on the dentist’ chair, “Do you have 媽祖 temple in New York?”

I responded, “I don't know. Maybe in China Town. But, I frequent cathedrals and churches more often since there are more of them.”

“Then, would 媽祖 be able to take care when you are so far away?” My dentist commented while he started to work on the root canal for my dear bad tooth while me thinking in my head ... “Interesting thoughts.”

It was not until much later did I realize that… it doesn't really matter… or it doesn't matter....

The matter of the fact is that…

On any ordinary day, I hear voices, senses thoughts and communicate with God know’s what…

The matter of the fact is that…

At least, the communications that had carried on between 媽祖 and I or 三太子 and I are much normal since there are other people hearing the medium's voices and the delivered thoughts (as opposed to having my own head as the medium and recipient of the message 8-X).

And, if people by the alter find my interactions with the Gods a bit too weird (sort of like casual conversation with a neighbor), the answer is simple…. It is my everyday living context to be communicating with Gods or all else not classified… whether you or I believe it or not…

----as long as no one is hurt by it and no harm on no one is done....