空: 反觀諸己

I haven't done much in the past months other than eating, sleeping, watching TV and seeing doctors.

Unfortunately, in recent days, there seems to be something more I am asked of… from all different sources.

In the state of 空- 反觀諸己 or perform self-inspection.

My auditory hallucinations, the kind that gives me guidance, have been telling me to all things down and focus on answering the question (while I am still not quite sure what the question is and what the answer could be).

The way I interpret rehabilitation doctor's (the chi-kong one) comment is that it is by letting go of all things leading to conflicts would I be obey the laws of nature and heal. (Did I mention that he actually is a “western” medical doctor?)

My mama's preacher called to pray for me. In line with the above, he also mentioned that I shall relax and take it easy because it might be God's will that it is time for me to rest and rehab.

The biggest problem I have is that… I don't know what it means to be in a state of 空…

Is it a state without which I could think of nothing and feel bothered by nothing?

Or is it a state within which I accept the interference of all things while not being affected by it? Sort of like the time when I am about to fall asleep… different voices and different thoughts would float around in my head and disappear immediately?

I have long been told that the only way for me to move on is for me to come to a better understanding of 空…. not so that I could become a nun… rather, so that I could think and do the thing called self-inspection or 反觀諸己 for, I guess, my mind might have the tendency to be cluttered with thoughts.

And, perhaps, in a state of 空… however rare it occurs, we could let go of all our tendencies to fight and to control, to prove and to disprove as well.

We could say---

How beautiful is it that we once loved all that we love so strong and we could even go crazy for…

How amazing life is… now… all things said and done… now I will learn to let myself go…

It doesn't mean that I won't try again to apply for the Visa.

It doesn't mean I am going to stop looking for that American Husband to get me a green card.

It also doesn't have to mean that all I have loved is unloved.

It only means that… now I finally understand why I took down my Ratology blog and why I said some of the things in that blog.

Perhaps, it only means that… at times, the state of 空 seems to make it much easier to take acceptance and rejection and all things in between. It doesn't mean anything has to stop. It only means things just come and go… it is but natural.

Guess this is why I like only the first and last chapter of the Chinese Classic titled “紅樓夢”—nothing more than 假語村言.

(Or, perhaps I am but in the state of denial… Hi, Yo, the Department of Homeland Security of the United States, where else do you have an alien that would sacrifice her spine for the benefit of the American Urban Education? 8-O lol)