The day after... 叫春時段

The way I feel now is more or less like having to unwillingly depart from someone I love.

I woke up in the morning feeling all depressed and at a loss.

It is so sad.

I feel so miserable.

I heard this voice whisper in my heart--- I see no hope--- I want to die… 8-O

Nothing could cheer me up because I have been banned from my love.

I have no idea how my loved one is doing and I suspect that my loved one is doing just fine with or without me.

Who am I without my love--- I asked.

Who am I now I am out of work and income?

And… I am still paying rent in New York.

How am I going to move when I am in Taipei and my apartment is in New York?

Then, I checked my email… there are still people—American People in New York—who would love to see me back in New York… I thought…

That cheered me up a bit more…

Now I could think more—straight--…

Like what I write in the winter--- one day I will be back, my Upper West Side and you will still be my Upper West Side…

And, I took one of my morning pill—Zoloft…

That also helped…

Something will work… today is Saturday…

Let me make it through this weekend and deal with the aftershocks.

So I walked with my mom to the market.

I saw nice people on the street- going about with their everyday business— selling meat, vegetables, fruit and all the ordinary things.

I stood in front of a fruit stand, pointing at a donut peach---

“How much is it?” I asked.

“80 each.” The vender responded.

“Almost 3 dollars each.” I thought to myself.

“Are they from Taiwan?” I asked.

“Imported from the United States.” She answered.

I pointed the donut peaches to my mom… “We used to buy it from China Town.”

We came to a different fruit shop and mom saw some nectarines.

“Do you want me to buy some for you?” Mama asked.

“They are imported. We got a lot of them in the States.”

“We?” I thought to myself… Who are we?

I can't even land the soil to move my stuffs out of my apartment now and I am still using the word we?

And yet, today, I could only see them imported…

It is a really funny feeling…

It is as if I just break up with my loved one and still unconsciously thought we are together…

On our way back from the market, I saw a nun….

The sight of the nun made me feel… sort of like… envious…

That thought I had been fighting against came back again… that thought of 入空門 (although 既空何有門) resurrected again…

Yet, this voice came up to me saying something like…

“that's not for you. It would be like taking a short-cut from what life asks of you. In addition, would it just be the “someone else’s garden is greener” kinda phenomena?”

At some point, it doesn't bother me anymore…

I might have heard some voices telling me that… this is God's will to kick you out of your long-standing position of being in that state of limbo.

I might have thought that now I could accept the inevitable departure.

I might have even joked with my mama about paying some American guy to be my Green Card husband.

I might have come to the realization that… perhaps, green card is like that doctoral degree or those guys whom I never went out with… it has more to do with what I don't have rather than why I don't have it.

I might have had many many more thoughts here and there in between.

At some point, this sense of sorrow and emptiness overcame me again…

It is the kind of sorrow you have remembering the times past—those good and bad times you have shared with your loved one.

It is the kind of emptiness you experience when pondering what it would be like to continue living a life without your loved one.

It is sad…. Very sad.

So I sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV and did some channel surfing.

I can’t even bear watching TV…

It hurts even more when I encounter programs I used to watch in New York…

All the shows on TV reminded me of the old times… now the time has changed.

So I sadly surfed from one channel to the other… feeling desolated and deserted… and, eventually, that small voice came out whispering again…. Such heart ache… how could I continue to live without you…

Then, I realized that the TV programs could not even catch my attention.

I came back to the computer, for the second time this evening, trying to draft something down…. about what it feels like to lose one's love…