Send some healing energy to Japan

Send some healing energy to Japan... especially to those affected, trying to recover from the aftermath and the ever-growing situations...

Earthquake

Some pretty lengthy earthquake just happened here as I am sitting at home, just got back from my walk, in Taipei... might have lasted 20-30 seconds the way it feels like... (and according to the news, it actually lasted for about 1 minute.)

Though it ain't like it was a really big quake.  Yet, it shook and shook and I am still feeling dizzy...

So I thought... if I had known the quake was to come 15 seconds earlier, what could I have done?

A question I have been pondering about since 311...

Also, in the state I am in, especially when the body is tired... sit and wait, I guess...  a speculation derived though today's observation- in vivo and in situ...  8-O lol 8-X

Shrinking

I went shrinking on Monday... not my size got magically reduced into that of a skinny toothpick... only I wish... 8-O lol

My bad.  I have not been visiting my shrink as religiously as possible...

As a result, when he saw my chart, so exclaimed the shrink, "How on earth did you make it for almost 3 months with a prescription for 1 month?"

"Well... I am still on the 25/4 mg dosage and always something happening whenever I tried to come see you."

Of course, in addition to the routine check-up, I had an alternative agenda...

You see, this psychiatrist of mine is a seasoned psychiatrist from one of the "biggest" mental health institution in Taipei and must have supervised thousands of budding psychiatrists as well as seeing quite a few of my fellows in the psychiatric wards.

So I told him about my entire yawning career... since 2-3 years ago... in hopefully, less than 10 sentences...

In powerpoint format:
1. When I do the back paddling machine, my eyes water, nose running and I yawn like hell.
2. It started 2-3 years ago when, out of no where, this whole thing would come up.
3. I asked the neurologist and he wasn't quite sure what that might be though he didn't think I had brain damages.


So I asked this psychiatrist, the same question I might have asked my psychiatrist back in New York...

Why is it and has it been happening?

"Is it true that psychotics rarely yawn?"  So I asked.

He nodded.

"Unless there is brain damages?"  So I added.

Thoughtfully, he, again nodded.

"Then, why does it happen to me so very frequent?"

"Well, this is a really rare case."  So he replied before printing out Seroqeul as my prescription.

I knew other patients were waiting to get in but I simply had to ask this last question...

"So what kind of doctor would you recommend?"

He replied, "A neurologist."

Well, the only thing I can say is that... damn... why on earth does someone have be abnormal to such a degree?  Abnormal in the reign of abnormalites? 8-O lol sigh

The other "One"

Came across Bicentennial Man on TV last night... where, in the beginning, Andrew Martin went all around the places looking for someone else like him/it.

Apparently... the assumption... "There's gotta be somewhere out there someone else like me..."

I guess... it might make one feeling like standing on a lonely planet when you look all around and finding everyone else... not so the same.


Though, sadly, he didn't find anyone else like him...

Well, I assume, should I have a pursuit in life at this point... it would be the same...

There are many things strange about me... among them... the good-old eye watering and nose running which comes with the unstoppable yawning... the thing that, presumably, should not happen in psychotics or, rarely...

So... after I started the bicycle thing as part of my physical therapy routine and, of course, the stationary kinda bike, I have by going through the whole 9-yards of the yawning, tearing and nose running thing every time I back paddle... an exercise which is supposed to help Xi decending.

After I stop back paddling, it would cease.

Among all correlational studies I have conducted in life so far, this might be the only one with r=1.

Since it is a strange experience to me and odd to the others as well, I have been asking people whether they have seen anyone else like it.... and why.

I asked the physical therapists... they have never seen anyone else with such bizzard reaction...

I asked my doctor who treats me from the Xi perspective... and, his answer was that it shall pass... though I might have to ask him again whether he has heard anyone else reporting the same thing.

So, I asked my neurologist whether he has any idea about it... From his response, it seemed to be something unheard off...

This world is sort of big and I don't believe I am the only one... though... like Andrew... my pursuit so far has come to no avail.

Then, earlier today, as I was hanging around in the department store nearby, alas... I saw two other people walking like me... though not exactly the same...

When I came out of the lady's, this man came out of the boy's... walking in my kinda style...  in front of me... though he wasn't using a came and walked faster than me...

Just when I was thinking... "That man walks like me..."

The man looked back and saw how I moved... I think he gave me a smile and I smiled back...

Is this the manifestation of misery loves company kinda thing?

Nope... I guess.. it is more like the same reason Andrew traveled all around the world to find the other One.

There are others like me and, to be honest, it makes you feel... it's the other people that are different... though no sentiments of discrimination etc intended towards those different from me... 8-O lol

Unless... the man smile at me because he thought yours cripple-in-all-different-ways is absolutely gorgeous and amazingly cute? 8-O lol

How would you like your disability to be served?

Find this status on facebook today about the issue of invisible disabilities:

"YOU DON'T LOOK SICK! No I don't. It's hard to explain to someone when they have no clue. It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness. Gastroparesis, Bi-Polar, PTSD, LUPUS, Fibromyalga,Crohns, Diabetes, Arthritis, Chronic Back Pain,Epilepsy, MS, Depression, RA, Migraines Don't judge."

Scanning through the list... "Wow... hit a few of the items listed above...  if only this is the kind of luck I have with the lotteries." 8-O lol

Although I am moving much faster nowadays comparing to back a couple weeks ago, I am visibly disabled... I guess.. as of today.

So I thought to myself...

"How would you like your disability to be served?  Visibly or invisibly disabled?"

Both have their pros and cons I guess, though, if you ask my preference, it would be no disability at all... 8-O lol sigh

Many people have asked this similar question..... something about how I might be looked at by people on the street.

The matter of the fact is that...

When the condition is bad and really bad, you are too busy coping with everything your body grants you and there is not much cognitive capacity spared to worry about the others.

There were times when some people would look at you with a dirty look or keep on moving away after almost knocking you down.

This kind of incidences do get me mad.... and, nowadays, instead of wanting to beat them people up with my doggie-beating cane (oops... God, I have sinned... zen moment again, of course), all that I have to think of is that...

"Do onto others the way you want the others do to you.  May God bless you well enough so that you don't have to be in my shoes.... not to mention that I didn't know these would my shoes."   8-O lol

You see... I am a fair person.  I am not talking about shoes worse than my own... only my shoes.  oops... lol

To be more contextualized, I will give you a scenario...

During the Chinese New Year, we took a family trip to Shanghai.  On one of the last few days, my brother-in-law took my parents and I to the Bund since I had not been able to get to the Bund at all that trip due to my physical capability or, to be more accurate, physical incapability.

It was the same arrangement that my brother-in-law made last summer when I took the trip to Shanghai.

He dropped us at the bund and went waiting for us passing the Baidu bridge so that we could strolled along the water front, passing the garden where no doggies and Chinese should enter, and, crossing the famous Baidu bridge.

My body condition during the New Year, was far far worse than how it is now...

Though I did not let it stop me...

We strolled through the Bund in a hazy mood...

The view of Lujiazui from the Bund on Feb. 8th 

I moved past, again, the garden where no doggies and Chinese were allowed...  and took a seat nearby for some rest...

Huangpu Park

At last, I manage to move my body all the way up to the Baidu bridge but, by that time, I was totally out of breathe, in pain etc and half passing out...

Finally, after all these years, a picture of Ratprincess herself... crossing the Baidu Bridge.

Speaking of the longest mile... the last mile...

Then, as I was struggling to get to the other side, taking a rest after every one or two steps, there were these elderly couples staring at me at the other end.

Their look... not the look of compassion and neither the look of empathy...

Nope...

It was the look of distaste and annoyances...

As I moved closer and as we were passing each other, I overheard them complaining about how this cripple moving at the speed of slow and stop was disturbing to their sight-seeing...

Surely, given the overly creative nature of my head, I am not even sure whether what I thought I heard was really words came out of their mouth though it was my reality.

Of course... I didn't react at all because...

First, Ratology principle number 1: react not to realities potentially not shared by anyone else other than myself.

Second, forget about reacting...  I was too busy though, trying to get back to my brother-in-law's car to pass out since it has been the principle of my life to not pass out on the street... too inconvenient for everyone... 8-O lol

Back to the question I asked myself...

"How would you like your disability to be served?  Visible or invisible?"

Also...

How should I put it... Apples and Oranges again?

Speaking of- the multiple manifestations of the same principle? 8-O lol sigh

Yet, one thing I have to say is that...

Today, I am working my behind off to accomplish one and only one goal- to walk like human again... and be without a cane.

Which one is more difficult to deal with?

I hardly take pain killers and anti-inflammatory meds these days because...

First, I am not quite sure whether they really work on me any more.

Second, they make me feel duh.......... and after taking them for over a day or two, they tend to make me feel more and more depressed... though doctors say it shouldn't happen.... (this is the time when I voluntarily go... duh... it does happen to me... lol)

Then, today, for some minor inflammation in a specific part of my gum (something more... 8-O lol), I decided to take a pill of Celebrex.

Ok... beware, all, I am not telling you that celebrex should be used for your gum problem... yet, in my case, since I have pain all over the places and inflammation as well anyways... might as well take one of it once in a blue moon.

Of course... I have been duhhhhh... the whole day though it ain't like I have been duhhhhh... for the longest time.  lol

So, I decided to still get out to take a small stroll after the pouring rain calmed down a bit... with an additional intention to experiment whether the pill will magically allow me to walk like a human today.

So I slowly strolled and my body surely knew no haste while.... observing my own each every move...

Is it better in terms of the movements and the pains and spasm?

Also... ain't quite sure though I don't quite think so....

One thing I do know is that... the knees are bad and still bad.... since...

What is new?  Speaking of the power of nature ... such as... the power of simple humidity- the confounding variable...

On my way home, this thought occurred to me... then and now...

For years, I was busy observing myself to death trying to find a way to work with my mental health problems only.  I didn't quite know what to do and, after about 10 years, I still don't know what to do... other than keep on doing what might be right to avoid myself from going back to the psychiatric ward... 8-O lol sigh

Today, partialing out the effects of mental health factors, and, with only the physical problems in concern- such as how to walk when the impacts of back and knees compound with each other- I don't really know what to do... other than keep on trying to move and walk since that seemed to have worked before....

There seems to be a similar theme... the attempt to remediate issues with uncertain resolutions.  Life surely hasn't changed much I guess... lol

Then, there came this inevitable question... inevitable to me... "Which one is more difficult to deal with?"

Without even attempting to further deliberate, I thought to myself...

"What's the point of comparison?"

Nonsensical... since, be it mental health problems or physical health problems-- both are bad and both are hard to deal in their own idiosyncratic ways.

Sort of like... comparing apples with oranges... both are fruits.  lol

If you don't believe me, feel free to try it out yourself... 8-O lol sign

Thus.. ain't no war of worlds... peace in my wards... be it mental or physical... lol

Casualties of Taiwan air drill 8-O

There was an air drill down south in Taiwan today and, unfortunately, it might have caused 30 something casualties...

Apparently, it was suspected that 30 something geese might have been scared to death while many more got injured upon the powerful impacts of French-built Mirages... namely... when the jets flew over the sky... though the military yet has to determine the cause of death.  8-O

http://news.chinatimes.com/world/11050401/112011041300140.html#

Should it be true... wow... I didn't know our air force is so powerful...

How do you walk?

My upper body seems to be getting better... hopefully... though from the middle section down... still tends to do its thing.

When moving down the street, as the pains goes down etc at their own will since it is a free world...  8-O lol

One thing often in my mind nowadays..

Not what is to happen to a fly in a car with open windows and a speedy sudden start.. nope...

Rather... the knees... how do I use them without making the condition even worse?

Though it ain't like I am granted with too many degrees of freedom... I ponder and I try... constantly.. to make sure that, if I could, I don't get the knees all locked up.

When the knees do get all locked up... you still need to keep on moving somehow especially when you are in the middle of a busy street... duh... while taking a rest at points....

And, just so that you know, it seems inevitable for the knees to eventually give up after the entire back-- from neck down-- gets broken down...

It is OK... since thinking it is not OK won't do anything good anyway... lol

And, it is only natural because the body is not being used the way it was designed for with the pains and all the other blah blah blah...

When this happens, all that you could do is to say... damn... it is only natural and you keep on moving.. or.. at least attempt to move some more till you finally can move a bit more...

At least, this is what I have been doing to get to a point when... I am moving faster... though not good looking... yet, far better than a month, 2 months and especially 3 months ago...

And this is what they call.... complications... Though... God bless... hope such you don't ever need to know...

Roswell

It was all over the news... the Roswell thing is true...

The inferences... the aliens might really exist.

Didn't I tell you long time ago how I once was communicating with aliens telepathically?  Don't recall much about the contents of our conversation just as I don't recall much either how the nuclear problem was resolved when I was on the 8th floor of St. Lukes... 8-O lol 8-X

Regardless, a question I have... if these objects really came from faraway places, could the materials they came with be of any help in relieving the radiation issue?  ... since they did have to come through a sea of radiations unless they simply jump over through a wormhole? 8-O lol

The look of recovery

Been pondering about this thing called the whole 9 yards about recovery... if not having done it for years... lol sigh

With words... too many words already... and not in a word mood today...

So I decided to google up some graphs... a graph representing the stock market in the past 20 years maybe?  Simply a number randomly selected...

Though... the following is one that stands out among the gazillion images returned by a simple google search...

Yes... this is sort of like what recovery looks like.... based on my clinical experiences and empirical research...  8-O lol sigh...

Apparently, if you hang long enough, you would eventually get to see the up-trend unless you would prefer to focus on vice versa... 8-O 8-X

Yet, personally and at this point, I prefer to see the possibility for a up-lifting outlook ...

How appropriate.... Consumer confidence... lol sign

The nuclear thing

One thing I can't understand is that... with all the world renowned experts who might have claimed to know everything about da nuclear thing, nobody can come up with a quick solution to solve the nuclear emergency in Japan?

At the same time, I wonder... this could have happened anywhere...

How would anything be any different?

God please stroke at least one of them experts with a moment of genius overnight.

Anniversary?

My mom kept on talking about how this April 7th is the 3-month anniversary of my born-again really handicapped state and how my body would get so much better so much faster because, when many people get sick, they would take up to 3 months to recover and.... blah blah blah...

Well, an interesting 3 month... from I could barely move till I now can move... much faster... I think.

行動不便

My cousin sent me a message through facebook today telling me how worried she is seeing me "行動不便"... with its direct translation... something like... having problems moving...

When I saw the words "行動不便," I went... 8-O

Didn't know that is how I am being perceived just when I am starting to be so proud about my being able to move a much longer distance before a stop? 8-O lol

Thought 行動不便 was only reserved for people like my uncle who is now wheelchair-bound after the second stroke? 

Come to think about it... speaking of slow... I didn't know that 行動不便 could be a way to describe my state just as I didn't know the state I am in could be described as "motor coordination is off..." 8-O lol

Motor coordination problems and slow

I can walk... and I can walk for a longer distance without stopping nowadays... however ugly looking it might be... Doesn't even have to be in straight line...

I keep on moving and try to move...

There are other observations though... which did not come to my attention until recently...


Yes... I am slow and not at all "adroit"... many a time, when I try to get money out of my pocket, the moment is slow and things often fall all over the places. 

When there are nice people around, they would volunteer to help me pick things up... Sometimes, people would just stand there and watch.

I didn't pay it no mind.

OK... it is inconvenient to maneuver with a cane in hand anyways, right?

In addition, my motor coordination ability hasn't been the same anyways since the accident.



Then, the other day, I got out of 7-11 with the wallet still in hand.  I wanted to put the wallet into my packet.  This is when it occurred to me that... in order for me to do it, I had to stop moving, stand still, look down to search for the exact position of the pocket before I can put the wallet back in.  After the wallet was in the pocket, I turned my head back up facing the front and... I got back to start working on walking...
as if... now we can move to work on the task in the que called... resume to walking... 8-O

Two days later, I was in the elevator in this department store.  It was crowded and I was standing right at the door.

At a certain point, there were people trying to get off... I thought of getting out of the elevator first to let these people come out first.  However, before anything else, this woman to my right pushed me a bit because she was trying to get out... to let the people get out...

I looked at her and said, "That is what I am trying to do.  I am trying to get out to let them get out."

And... slowly with them unstable and funny gaits, I moved out.

It is the incidences alike that lead me to come face to face again and again... I am slow... or... to be more exact, something or somewhere in my neuropathway is... wrongly slow...

Except for... somebody gotta help me diagnose what and where exactly is wrong and what could be done about it... I guess...

In the meanwhile, keep on moving... I guess? 8-O lol sigh

Give my donation to Japan!

Though the Chinese say that... 家醜不可外揚... yet... 15億只撥4億?  Among the recorded 64 million US dollar donation of Taiwanese people, only 15 million given to Japan by the aka "Taiwan Red Cross Society"? 8-O

Sometimes I want to beat somebody up, this is one of the time...

I refrain from cursing people but this is the time.. I donated the money that I sold my body and health for while not even eligible to get any disability benefit... and these people are withholding the donation for what cause?

So I say...whoever taking a penny for not the intended cause (give to the Japanese) will get 100 times more of what I have to live through in this body if you want to claim a piece of benefit from this broken body.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am mad!  (Zen moment... zen moment...)

Whatever Japan wants to do with the money is their issue, give my donation to Japan!

Maybe, I will get a refund from the Taiwan Red Cross and donate the money directly to Japan red cross....

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=215423901805479



At the same time... do you know where your money really went?  Sad thing this would ever be a concern at all... 8-O

How is it their business?

Apparently, my family has done an excellent job hiding my mental health thing from the extended family though it ain't no nothing to be broadcasting about.

Yesterday, I went with my dad visiting my aunt's family.  After dinner, I had a conversation with my cousin who I haven't met for a while.

She wanted to introduce me to some kind of religious people... not quite sure what kind of religion that was...

At this time, I am still very afraid of the religion kind of thing because of its heavy weight in my delusional thinking... historically...

So I told my cousin, "I am afraid of entertaining the religion kinda thing because I am very much like our uncles."

Namely,our eldest uncle and youngest uncle who were both schizophrenic.... and now in a better place.

My cousin laughed at me and exclaimed, "Don't worry so much.  You can't be like them... Don't you know that genetically it is only associated with the male side of the family?"

I was and am not sure where the male and gene association came from... since there surely are female schizophrenics... unless she was referring to conclusions she drawn based on within-family observations. 8-O

Regardless, I looked at her and, must have pondered to myself...

"Also..."

There was this internal drive that wishes to come out and defend my "internal consistency"... 8-O lol

Yet, there was also this thought... what is the point of letting them know at this point?

In February of 2008, when I last went into the river-view dorm with my cohorts by the Hudson River, I asked them this question, "When do you reveal your condition when in a relationship?"
I still remember how my seniors looked at me with a laugh and responded, "How is it their business?"

Then, yesterday, there was no doubt that my motor uncoordinated movements worsened by the prolonged trip in the car was causing quite a bit too much concern to my aunt who walked a bit better than me, my uncles on wheelchair and my cousin.

After I briefly glanced through the face of my uncle on the other side of the table listening to our conversation, I didn't go on defending "myselves" and the topic went on drifting somewhere else.... because... "How is it their business?"

"How is it their business?"

Except for... a different kind of connotation.... no need for flooding here... I guess..

From the End of the world to Noah's ark?

Recently, people are busy entertaining the whole end of the world and apocalypse kinda idea. (e.g., May 21st around 6 PM... don't know whether it would be Taipei Time or New York Time? 8-O)


Even better, people here and there are building up stuffs like shelters or Noah's ark so that they could live to see the day after.

Something intriguing for me to entertain... would I want to be one of the few, if not the only, who live to see the big "the day after"?

Don't know about you...

Personally, after having lived through my delusional version of apocalypse while being tired of all them health problems popping up left and right in all different ways...

Even if I were granted a ticket to the Noah's ark, I will give it away and volunteer to be da Joe vs volcano.... since, though it might look nice in the movie, it ain't so grand to be the last one standing as per my delusional experiences.

In addition, if the end of the world is to come, it will come.  As long as not too much pain and suffering, we would simply die... Before that terminal death, I guess... we simply live till when we can live? 8-O lol

What's the fuss?