I have been intending to make this posting for weeks if not months.... something told me it was not yet time until now.
I have been having this feeling and talking to some of my friends about this thing I might call allergy.
It is as if I have become allergic to pursuits involving my head.... at least...
Every time I try to read and try to do the work necessary to complete my academic assignments, my psychotic symptoms go on a field trip and I feel physically no good....
Worst of all, the things I try to read and learn about become my delusions and hallucinations.
The only thing I could do, in addition to take my meds, is to do nothing, to do my sleep-walking or do my swinging exercise.. with the purpose of these brainless activity.... seemingly... to erase it all which eventually would lead to the "waking up" moments.... (a never-ending theme nowadays.)
If I try to do "too much," my body and mind would take the whole day or two to take me off such tasks....
There would be no point to fight it since there ain't no nothing you could do to fight it....
This is something nobody, I guess, could understand since I can't understand either myself....
How do I know these are delusions but not simply some non-delusional beliefs?
I intend not to persuade anyone about insanity but... following would be the example...
I have been reading or try to read about the grounded theory method.
There has been much phenomena emerged associated to what I learned about it...
One night, after I read this article, I decided to make some smart ass comments and post it in this blog....
"
An interesting theory proposed by Stern (1994) about the divorce of the parents for Grounded theory. According to Stern, the crux of the divorce might have resided in their MO....
“I think, that Strauss, as he examines the data, he stops at each word to ask, “What if?” Glaser keeps his attention focused on the data and asks, “What do we have here? Straus brings to bear every possible contingency that could relate to the data, whether it appears in the data or not. Glaser focused his attention on the data to allow the data to tell their own story.” (P. 220)
.... no wonder I have split-heads.... 8-O lol
Be serious... how do you reconcile the differences? That would be the question...."
I made this post on December 30th. Right after I publish this post, I had this sense of fear... this feeling that somebody is unhappy.
Since I read from somewhere that Strauss has passed away in, I thought, 1996, I could not help but think that it was Strauss that was upset about my making it something so light.
Thereafter, I felt Strauss's "presence" and "guidance." Strauss told me to focus on the first chapter of the book "The Discovery of Grounded Theory for instance."
When taking my daily sleep-walking kind of walk, grounded theory related contents also came looping around like broken record in my head.... For instance.... I walked on and on with "emerging versus forcing" in my head... for many a block if not many a mile...
And, every time when I try to push something through... "Emerging... emerging......."
At the same time, there have even been times when I was instructed to stop reading and to start doing other brainless activities because "you have to take care of your health."
One night, as I was doing my swinging exercise in front of TV, I felt the presence of Strauss moving away... Apparently, the intensive mentoring program had ended and all that he has to do now is to pop in at times to do some advisement. 8-O lol sigh
Was talking to my friend about it earlier today and I said...
"I heard of "the neighbor's dog made me do it." Yet, in this case, it is the methodologist himself's spirit led me through it." 8-O lol sigh
These are but some of the examples that lead me to think once in a while...
Why is it for the others... things... so easy?
Why can't I simply get some writing done without all these strange things?
Then, as I was typing out the above qestions...
In my head.... "Emerging...."
And, en route to this posting through the past few months… in addition to all of the above and more… I stopped by sleep walking… swinging… origami tessellation… knitting… and so on to keep myself in one piece during the emerging process….
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