Thursday, December 17, 2009

Your choices are now permanent

I, unofficially speaking, have more than one mafia war account... for fear that if one accounts gets closed, I have other accounts to work with to see what it might be like towards the end of the journey.

Funny enough, some time after I created the second account, my dominant account became disabled... and it remained disabled since....

That rain-day account I created eventually surpassed the growing speed of the dominant account... Today, it is the main account....

So, I finally get to finish the Third Tier of Episode 6 "Pakhan" in Moscow today...

The day when I was not yet awake while starting to feel regretful about not having gotten up early enough to catch the free shuttle to see my shrink... and heard my voice said..."If you push harder, you will break."

Not you "might" break.  No uncertainty here but you "will" break. Psychotic symptoms or not... scary enough... especially when I am all broken and still try to find way to patch myself up... 8-O 8-X lol sigh

The day when my voice force me further to reexamine my life... and the prices...

I knew it is time to really put down and let go da thing relating to academia.... And, apparently, there is still this thought in the back of my head saying... maybe one day, after I retire from something else, I will try out academia...

There might be other people both mentally and physically disabled like me and who could continue to pursuit a career as such.

Good luck to you and take care of your health and life. Of course, best wishes to you non-disabled as well... ya... non-discriminating.... 8-O lol

I have now made a conscious choice... weighting all things... and decided to preserve myself for a wonderful life ahead and it ain't like my non-existence in academia would mean a ding to no nothing and nobody.  It seems like IT or number-related jobs are best for me.  Running a craft shop would be nice except for I need to first really win my mega-million... 8-O lol

It is not like I have come to this conclusion simply because I am disabled in the head and in the body.... Like... OMG... I am too constrained by my disabilities such as my head status to do it.

Rather, it is... based on my estimation and since the past seems to have some pretty good predictibility on the future... what outweigh what and what is the cost-benefit ratio?

Do I want to go against the odds if not Gods regardless... perpetuating the modus operandi of my past life... which seems to have led to the shattering of my existence bottom up... literally... because I want to prove that I can do it, whatever it is?

Not saying anyone should simply decide to not pursue no nothing without any effort because I did conduct my dissertation experiment all the way into the psychiatric ward and came out jumping right back into it and I have not stopped.  And, I did work and study while living with them ups and downs of my mental health conditions all the way and all those years till I deposited my dissertation and got that doctoral degree.  In other words, don't let nobody tell you that because you are psychotic... you can't get things done... provided you get your jobs done (oops... am I reacting to something? Imaginary or not? 8-O lol).

Yet, do I want to, above and beyond the acceptance of my updated self-concept, recalibrate for a "nicer" path (see page 154 about the process of coming back again in Strauss and Corbin (1990) Basics of Qualitative Research: Grounded Theory Procedures and Techniques.)? (love the word nicer... 8-O lol)

I have no regret about my life so far other than not making big money to take my parents for trips... it is just, at times, one just has to recalibrate.

Then, upon the completion of da Pakhan job, I saw this message...

Your choices are now permanent... 8-O lol

Speaking of synchronicity.... and no wonder I am delusional... 8-O lol

And, only hope this note will reach someone... positive way.

Now I can shut up again for a while.

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