6/19/2012

Something I posted in my internal blog or my journal last night... realizing it is going to be 5 years since my broken chair accident.

That'd be it for my 5-year anniversary post.

Happy 6/19/2012, wherever you are!

Sincerely your crippling psychotic still at large on the road.

8-O 8-X lol

MONDAY, JUNE 18, 2012

6/19/2012

Almost forgotten, but, it happened.... 5 years ago... 6/19.

The time is off by a good 12 hours... between New York and Taipei.

Officially speaking, it would be a few hours after tomorrow this time that the seemingly nothing more than embarrassing accident occurred.

Yet, 5x365x24=43800+24=43824-- counting 1 leap year in between.

Even if I am off by 24 hours, the error rate of 0.000547645 is far less than the conventional .01 level... even smaller than .001.

Think I can handle it.

Regardless, about Where is 偏見?

After I made that posting, I thought... I am either absolutely insane or over-sedated.

Regardless, from June 19th of 2007, from 2005 or from even earlier on....

It's a long trip to Where is 偏見? though the distance is short.. with the only thing it took... time and the minor inconveniences in life here and there in between.

Good morning, 6/19/2012.

Though, one thing I didn't have to worry about da mals... them damn zanzaras!

Where is 偏見?

Yesterday I spoke of 偏見 in Ratology at Heal, today someone came to visit Why post memo?

Synchronicity.

Someone else reading.

The reason why.

All things spoken already... alternatives to entertain.

If someone really reading, that someone or someones really know what has come out of my mouth better than me since I know it must have occurred somewhere in time just don't know when... 偏見.

Anyone if not anyones really reading all my internal blogs?

Good luck to him, her, it or them since I have no idea what the heck is coming out of my mouth most of times (the 99.99% principle)... let along what they mean... till it's time for the solution to unfold. 8-X

All cultural

I decided to go to a museum which I thought is supposed to be close to  圓山別莊 though I forgot what the name of the museum was by the time I got to the metro station.


So I asked the lady working for the Metro where the museum of contemporary arts was and I got there with the direction of the kind lady and other people along the way... though I couldn't find  圓山別莊 near by.


Since, I landed in the museum of  contemporary art, I went for a whole afternoon's cultural tour with all due dedications.

I visited the Exhibition titled "Procedural Architecture—Resolution in the Age of Meta-Digital" (衍序建築展—數位時代的新維度), attended talks given by the experts in the field and also joined the guided tour  for the 10th Taishin Arts Award Exhibition (第十屆台新藝術獎入圍特展)... absolutely lifted my cultur-o-meter... regardless where I might have planned to go originally.

Only to realize after I got home- just now- an entire afternoon's excursion later- that... it was really the museum of contemporary arts that I intended to go visit.  8-O lol

(This is cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large blog)

Flooding in Taiwan

The rain in recent days all over Taiwan has caused a whole lot of damages... following is the playlist containing clips I found online...

Good luck to all and gratitude to all unknown heroes and rescuers!

Who says a book is needed?

Been busy coping with God knows what I am coping with... Seroquel dosage going from 300 mg in November till 12.5 mg today just to keep myself being "functional" at work.

One word to describe the whole trip, "Inhuman."

Between the last round of dosage change and last night, 2 weeks time only... going from 3/4 of 25 mg to 1/2 of 25 mg?

The way it goes... what's gonna happen in 1-2 months?  Out of my hand and I give it to the experts to handle it.

At a time when I don't have no idea any more about what the heck is going on with my body and mind (and when my family drives me up the wall), so I figure...

Who says a book is needed for me to properly introduce myself?

I am still kicking after all these years... and made a dime or two to feed myself.  That is good enough for me.

I am nothing, to begin with.  What can anything be taken from nothing?  Nothing to lose? 8-O lol

As a result, I think I am gonna go down the street and shouting at everyone... "I am schizoaffective!  I am schizophrenic!  I am schizo-something!  I am psychotic!  Or, I am crazy!"

Just be acting in accordance to how I am "supposed" to act above and beyond I am still psychotic, I guess?

That'd be interesting....

Read my mind

Just found this clip shared by a friend on fb...

Haven't I told you that they can read my mind a million and a time?  Apparently, the fifth might not work with the reading mind.... 8-O lol

ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/ 紅茶

They were talking about this story of "ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/ 紅茶“ in the office the other day... a story about breaking up.  Sort of.

When they first mentioned "ㄉㄢˋ 定紅茶“, I thought it was a new flavor of bubble tea kinda stuff--

蛋定 /dan ding/  紅茶- black tea solidi-zed with eggs... turning it sort of like Flan or egg pudding... an image I formed instantly in my head.  Yum.

Ended up, my mental model of  ㄉㄢˋ 定 is not their mental model of ㄉㄢˋ 定 .... or ㄉㄢˋ 定非ㄉㄢˋ 定 。 8-O lol

The ㄉㄢˋ 定 they were speaking of is 淡定 /dan ding/ - not my 蛋定 /dan ding/ .

Afterwards, the phrase 淡定 /dan ding/  popped up left and right wherever I went... So I decided to google up some good definition 

What is 淡定?  Essentially, it means calm and collected... so calm that even the sky collapsed right in front of you, you don't get affected.  Some said that it is a phrase used in China.


The well-visited clip people came up with to capture the essence of the ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/  紅茶story...



The well-visited clip people came up with to capture the essence of the ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/  紅茶story...



(To view the English subtitle, please view the clip on youtube directly.)

Would also like to share with you this impressive definition provided by someone with mucho expertise in Chinese literature.... very impressive....

淡定：冷靜，鎮定
《黃帝內經》稱之為：恬淡虛無。現代人稱之為：淡定。

淡 定二字，看似輕鬆，境界頗高。紅塵滾滾，物欲橫流、肉欲橫流，欲望一起，猶如惹惱了瘋狗，追得人屁滾尿流。人生在世，難逃三個字：名、利、情。為其生，為 其死，為其追求一輩子。修行或者修煉，最忌諱的就是執著。執著，就很難看淡，所以也就無法“淡”，更是不能“定”得下來。

淡定，是內在心態的修煉到一定程度所呈現出來的那種從容、優雅的感覺。
淡定，是一種心態，是生活的一種狀態。我們每個人都需要這種心態，在生活中才會處之泰然，寵辱不驚，不會太過興奮而忘乎所以，也不是太過悲傷而痛不欲生。

許地山《空山靈雨·銀翎底使命》：“惟有幾朵山花在我們眼前淡定地看那在溪澗裡逆行的魚兒喋著它們底殘瓣。”

歐陽山《苦鬥》五二：“最後一位大姑娘，看上去正在二十左右，也輕盈淡定地站了起來。”

淡定形容一種態度。遇事沉穩中又積極果斷，老練裡卻又重視有佳，勝不驕，敗不餒；

淡定形容一種勇氣。行事放鬆自如，從容冷靜，閑看庭前花落，輕搖羽扇城頭；

淡定形容一種原則。展示出對人對事不急不躁、不溫不火，親而有度、順而有持；

淡定形容一種風度。神鷹背上秋風過面、靜若處子，名利場中燈紅酒綠、過眼雲煙；

淡定形容一種修養。仁而無憂，仁而無懼，實事求是，心懷坦蕩，蘭心傲骨；

淡定形容一種能力。深思熟慮能揚長避短，內省自知可有進有退，待該出手時再出手；

淡定形容一種力量。氣定神寧，如巨岩阻浪，堅持不懈，如水滴石穿；

淡定形容一種效率。穩而避其亂，洞悉而練達，如庖丁演刀、如魯班弄斧；

淡定形容一種境界。蘭秀深林，不以無人而不芳，君子立德，不為窘困而改節；

淡定形容一種人生。人生如一副銳利的老花鏡，難得糊塗，難得清醒。

淡 定是形容詞，不是動詞，不是一個動作，不是一種方法。所以淡定不能直接解決你肚子餓的問題，不能直接阻止環境污染，不能……。但是，淡定能輔助和提升一種 方法，讓你在解決肚子餓的問題時、解決環境污染的問題時，解決任何問題時，提供給你一個正確的態度，和超人的勇氣、過人的力量…….，幫助你更好的解決問 題。因此，淡定，是我們做任何事前必不可少的心理準備。
Source: http://tw.knowledge.yahoo.com/question/question?qid=1610120208969

Control?

As of this past Monday, the dosage of Seroquel is back down to below 25 mg Seroquel or around 7/8 of 25... yet again... from 300 mg in a about 5 months ago.

Don't know how it is with the other... personally... it is been like playing with Russian roulette...every 2-3 weeks especially in recent times.

It is not like I wanted the dosage to be reduced that I went and get the dosage reduced.

It's just that... every 2-3 weeks I would get over-sedated and experience all the familiar symptoms of drug overdose.  And, it makes it hard to be functional in the world outside of the psychiatric ward.


Sure, for years, I yearned for reduction in dosage... and I actually went on 1/6 or 1/8 of 25 mg.  Yet, today, I beg the reduction to stop because I simply could not handle the Seroquel withdrawal resulting from the never-ending dosage reduction.  Yet, it kept on coming and I doubt whether any of the experts could offer me a sound explanation....

It has become like a deja vu... "Here I go again?"

So, I did live through this past week.

Monday... sleep working the whole day leading me to cut the dosage down by 1/8 (and, yes, 1/8 only).

Tuesday morning... what a lovely day... it felt as I had been sleeping all these times and, finally, I was awake for a change.   Only to realize that the withdrawal does not kick in until later.... Yawning, sneezing, tearing, sleepy, tension headache, itchy...  till the time for the meds.

Wednesday and Thursday... continuation of the regular withdrawal symptoms and the realization that... I have been having the runs... Also, invulnerable body twitch and shake... reminding me of the time when I was on Risperdal.

So I was... twitching and shaking when trying to get a bit more literature reviewed.... good thing my desk is all the way in the back of the room...  Ain't my issue if other people observed it since what else could I do about it?

The pains were exceptionally unbearable on Wednesday...  I thought that the pain was still manageable and did not want to take my Aleve.  Yet, the shakes and bumps and the whole 9 yards on my bus trip home (the unmentioned) proved me wrong... The raining and chilly weather didn't help either. 

The matter of the fact is that... it is not only the pain... it is also the discomfort associated with the entire body bloating to a critical point of explosion.

Why resurrection of pain?  C'mon... any cosmopolitan mental knows it... the disturbance to the neurochemical system that is.

Finally, it was Friday...  I felt better, more alert, less discomfort, and, move better despite of the annoying shooting and throbbing pain here and there although towards the end of the work day, I noticed the energy level was going a bit overboard.... swinging towards to side of racing thought and mania... surprise.

Then, it was about 5:00 when I came chatted with this nice lady- a passersby.  In our conversation, we spoke of her knee problems and some of my minor inconveniences in life.

At some point, the nice lady offered a suggestion, "You should try to relax because the body heals itself."

I am in 100% agreement with her.  A body in distress can not heal.

Somewhere further along the conversation, so she inquired- something like, "Are you in pain?"

"You don't want to perceive it."  So I replied.

"Where are you in pain?"

Reluctantly, I scanned through my body-- from neck down... "From neck down but you try not to feel it."

Gotta be an answer too buzzard for her... "What do you mean?"

Words came out of my mouth without deliberations, "Cognitive control."

After I bid farewell to the lady, the words "cognitive control" stuck to my mind...

Cognitive control?  A notion so very paradoxical in the context of someone with no control at all over the body and the mind and everything else.

And, I thought of the act of my peeping into the world of pains in the reign of my body and them observations of pain.  Out of sight, out of mind.  If can be out of mind, why inviting it into plain sight?

Perhaps, while all controls were taken away, something was spared to this cognitively deviate with a broken piece of body--  cognitive control- nonsensical and paradoxical.

Then, a question...

I can get the relationship between the head symptoms and the dosage adjustment.  But, that body?


I have a naive theory dauerber...

In times of adjustment as such, I can only imagine how the neurochemicals were running around in the hallway not quite sure what was going on.... in a state of chaos.. with my two governments, body and mind, having no inkling what was going on other than outsourcing this thing called time--- for a recognizable path to unfold.  In a state of ain't no body and no mind having no control...  no control was spared to me-- resulting in my exposing nakedly under the reality of the body and mind.

Ya.  There surely is something true in the saying that the longest distances between two places is time.

Regardless, just when I have announced my retirement after reloading for all these years beyond down with meds, reloading themselves-- curious scenarios of meds down with me not (however I beg them to stay).

What can you do?  Since you are still kicking, keep on kicking, crawling, rolling and moving along in the least classical fashion imaginable... I guess-- though en route-- I run my mouth on God or equivalent  constructs a like for the defectory piece of crap kinda intelligent design out of its hand. (OMG... Did I just sin again? lol sigh)

And, why don't I call sick?  Well, the way it goes with my constitutions, the probability of my sick days might beat da conventional .05 level.  lol sigh

At the same time, does the impending reloading of dosage adjustment around corner concern me based on my recent history?  Yes.   But, dig myself further out first.  Unsinn.

Most importantly, am I still psychotic?  Everything I type, say, and do are watched and recorded as evident by the look, the things they say and the sense they give me anytime, anywhere and from anyone.  Let me break the news to you... that is positive-- positively psychotic.

New experience: Wedding

Something new I experienced for the first time in my life... I got a red invitation, gave a red envelop and sat in a wedding banquet in Taiwan.  Cool...

Then, I saw this cousin of mine... about same age and also single like a bird.

Somewhere around our conversation, I told him that it is my dream to run a 黑糖珍珠 shop if possible since they seem to be making a whole lot of money and I don't even need to worry about the tea thing with bubble tea because the ingredients of  黑糖珍珠 are bubbles cooked with brown sugar and milk.  (Something new I tried out and I love it!)

I talked about the wedding I went to with due excitements...


He was surprised... "You've got friends who get married now?"

"Someone from work."  So I replied.

"Because most people our age are either married or not intending to get married."

After I said maybe I should find a man to get marry to because I haven't done the getting married thing, so replied my cous, "You might want to find someone who can carry the bubbles for you instead."


"A robot might be?  They say robots are good at doing many things nowadays?!"  So I added.  (In my mind, R2-D2 carries the pot with perfect brown-sugar pearls from the stove, through whatever path it has to travel, deliver it to the shop and lifting the pot up and down as I request.  Though... I might have to learn to cook them pearls first.  lol)

Regardless, my cousin surely had it thought through far better than me- partially due to the fact that I never know how it is anyone else's business whether I get married or my all these years.  8-O lol

For people who are married and who are getting married, good luck to their marriage and may them be happily ever after.

For me, might be more real figuring out where to find the robot to help me carrying weights if one day I can run a  黑糖珍珠 shop that makes me mucha dinaro.... sweet... 8-O lol

What kept me relatively "sane"

Someone came to visit Quote about grounded theory today.

So I thought... what kept me relatively "sane" as opposed to absolutely even more insane these past few years... 

The concepts of Mental model, qi and grounded theory research-- especially da forcing and emerging ding.

A theory I intent not to elaborate cuz... don't feel like to. lol

Of course, I think... doesn't mean it is... especially when what I think is often not what it is. 8-O lol 8-X

Though... after all the years of swinging around-- a posting shorter than da Mental model

What you do

It's not what you know, it's what you do with what you know or not.

(Just saw this post and went... Oh.. Shit... thought I post it in my private blog.  Speaking of memory leak... 8-O)

OMG- DWM all done

OMG- yet again...

DWM all done... at least the complete draft.

Ended up, I didn't have too much comments on DWM after the accident... now I have a huge amount of blurbs... 400 something pages though... you know my style changes all the time... including sometimes 2, 3 words accounts for a sentence.

What next?

Get back yet again- yet another iteration. 8-O lol

Sometimes I think-- if God exists, God made me choose the title ratology reloaded for a reason... I surely have been reloading the texts of Ratology for many an iteration.

And, ain't like I want to entertain it too much... my voices were right... so I was told-- something like, "Finish Paper One first and DWM shall follow."

Think my voices are psychic.  Not me.  8-O lol

And this surely a a process far worst off than constipation.  8-X

Soon I shall need help trying to figure out what to do about it. 8-O 8-X lol

To the victims and sufferer of the 311 havoc in Japan

On the one-year anniversary, to the victims and sufferer of the 311 havoc in Japan .
 

OMG-- Done with DWM before the accident- insertion iteration

OMG-- I am done with DWM before the accident- insertion iteration.

Thought the day would never come. 8-O

Think it might have really helped for me to put it down while putting all force into my Paper One... the paper I am preparing for normal people kinda' publication at work-- as per order de my head.  Finally get the complete and publishable version up on Friday.  Even give it a name?  Only in Ratology. 8-O 8-X lol

Guess... I was so enmeshed and sick and tire of looking at Paper One that I come back to DWM with a glee... 8-O lol

Next step... DWM after the accident- insertion iteration.

The song at 1:18:45

Sandstorm

Though I am not too much into the reading thing, think I might listen up this book "Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

You are your own sandstorm.. or I am my own sandstorm if not quick sand... as per the replacement players.

Nice quote to share with you as I continue to plow away with DWM

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction. You change direction, but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm is not something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right into the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand does not get in, and walk through it, step by step. There is no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverised bones. That is the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.”
— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

OMG-- Done with Down with Meds before the accident

OMG... I can't believe it and I don't know how it happened...

Yet, I got done with Down with Meds before the accident, which means... done with the first iteration of editing etc for Down with Meds.  

Two months only but two months too long-- I would say.  Not to mention, when simultaneously I have to go through the dosage adjustment from 250 mg to 100 mg till having to cut down to 50 mg yet again.  8-X

Almost like... while nothing has happened, everything happened. 8-O lol

Now a soothing song to calm my two governments- body and mind- in the land of the morning star. lol



Exhaling... da journey down the memory lane.

Gotta thank that day time job of mine because it took my mind of Down with the Meds and that's why this first iteration could be done.

Will leave the second initialization till at least tomorrow.

Merciful mechanism

Came across an interesting quote de W.H. Auden on the Merciful mechanism:

"There is a merciful mechanism in the human mind that prevents one from knowing how unhappy one is. One only realizes it if the unhappiness passes, and then one wonders how on earth one was ever about to stand it."

Because sometimes a title is all you need... Princess Three Buckets de Aqua

So said the wise Puss... "because sometimes a title is all you need."



So I thought...  "I want a title, too!"

Yet, wait a minute... am I not already Ratprincess?

Maybe time for a Change... changing to something like Princess Three Bucket of Water....

Three bucket of waters... something I did in my much younger years when I would dip the cups into the first bucket with dirtier water and maybe with dish soap, dip them into the second bucket where the water less not so clean and the cups a bit clearer, and, dip them into the third bucket where both the water and the cups would be far cleaner than in the first bucket. (Guess no one would want to hire me to do their dirty dishes for them. 8-O lol)

All else I haven't done in life... I have done the three buckets of water thing.

So shall I be 三桶水公主 from now on except for... Princess Three Buckets of Water seems to be a name too long and Princess TBW sounds like an acronym far worse than PASW... for the formerly known as formerly known as SPSS.

So I had this genius idea.... So shall I be called Princess Three Buckets de Aqua or Princess TBA.  8-O lol

Psychotic Girl

Ain't got no idea that there is a song for me...

The normal's worldview about-- also--- psychotic girl? 8-O lol

And, make sure you don't get lost in the world of the psychotic girl or that'd be Folie à deux 8-X lol

Psychotic girl - The Black Keys


Interesting song... interesting music... the music does pretty much captures how I feel most of the time when not much is going on in my head...

The next song I am looking forward to would be cripple girl...

Then, I shall be compact; I shall be full. 8-O lol

歡喜就好

This word came up in the conversation today... 歡喜就好.. as long as you like it...

Reminding me of the last post I made 4 years ago yesterday... the last post before ratology.blogspot.com was gone after the high wind of da snow storm on upper westside had my cover blown off- before it was resurrected last year with a past semi-blank- although it was a past lived and I am still living with it day by day with its residual- words, words, and never-ending words- attempting da 不可說 to narrate or da Pandora's box to unlock.

By this time in 2008, Ratology was no longer in existence and I had lived through one more sleepless night before I reached the ER bed and be sent to my psychiatric ward on wheelchair on da scary Valentines Day.

Though I reside not in the past (though been living with it word by word)- ouch- so I say.

(So it is the story of life... i frame within i frame- degenerate or not on the multidimensional planes.)

Psychotic without insurance?

I was really going towards the institutionalizable grade of psychotic back last fall.  Yet, first time since my onset, I didn't have insurance and didn't have a psychiatrist in NYC.

After a whole lot of running around, I finally was able to see a psychiatrist and get my Seroquel at the "Psychiatric Walk-In clinic" at the Metropolitan Hospital Center.  (If you are going to see a psychiatrist, please remember the "Psychiatric" part of it and make sure you get there by 7:30 or so to ensure you can get an appointment!)

For self-pay patients who don't have insurance, there are different options available to help you get a prorated rate.

If you haven't gotten your Medicaid, MetroPlus or HHC options up and running at the time when you need to fill your prescription, I will suggest you to fill it in the pharmacy inside of the hospital.  This way, once you get your prorated status ready, you can go to the patient account and discuss the plausible refund for the full amount you had to pay in advance.  (So I was told though I haven't done it before myself.)

Good luck and stay healthy in NYC.

Unfortunately, if you do need help, help is available however in lack of options you might feel!