My favorite sentence in Catch 22

I have been told that it's no good to write long sentences. Given my command or lack of command in the English language, it's for my benefit to shy away from long sentences for fear of grammatical and syntactical errors.

I have to say though that, despite the ineffable agony it took for me to plow through the book while cursing Mr. Heller away for using too many words, I was immensely amused by the sentence in italics even though it was three o'clock in the morning during a time when I was still climbing out of the bottom of my damn depression.

"... Pandemonium broke loose. It took almost a full minute for Appleby to disentangle himself from Orr's flailing arms and legs and grope his way to his feet, with Orr held off the ground before him by the shirt front in one hand and his other arm drawn back in a fist to smite him dead, and at that moment Yossarian stepped forward and took Orr away from him. It was a night of surprises for Appleby, who was as large as Yossarian and as strong and who swung at Yossarian as hard as he could with a punch that flooded Chief White Halfoat with such joyous excitement that he turned and busted Colonel Moodus in the nose with a punch that filled General Dreedle with such mellow gratification that he had Colonel Cathcart throw the chaplain out of the officers' club and ordered Chief White Halfoat moved into Doc Daneeka's tent, where he could be under a doctor's care twenty-four hours a day and be kept in good enough physical condition to bust Colonel Moodus in the nose again whenever General Dreedle wanted him to."

About 30 something supposedly the most humorous and funniest books later, it's time for me to reflect on what good these books are for me.

One thing for sure, I don't have what it takes to construct a sentence, albeit long, hilarious as such (and, of course, many other more lol)! 

My Two Cents: Blogging about Psychosis?

I had thought that, after last night's posting, I am to not blog for at least a few more weeks if not months. Then, when trying to find information about whether it's a good thing for patients to have insight about their mental health problem and admit it, I came across this article on BBC (http://www.bbc.com/news/health-29861510) today which made me feel compelled to offer my two cents.

Apparently, the experts are now asking people to blog about their psychosis: something I have done for over a decade and was to promote, sort of, in my book.  Except, having blogging myself into the psychiatric ward, I am a living case of how blogging publicly about one's own psychotic symptoms could actually do more harm than good.

Believe me, when you are so psychotic that you believe you are telepathic or your thoughts are broadcast, it's very unlikely that your mental condition will benefit from the reality that you really are broadcasting yours symptoms to the public like Anderson Cooper live from Gaza's front line with a bomb blowing up right behind.

Private blogs which could only be accessed by the authorized people, would be a good way of doing it, especially when there are professionals closely monitoring the writing. Unfortunately, based on my experiences with my private blog "Ratology at Heal," which is only accessible to mes, myselves and Is, even private blogs are not fail-safe because my paranoid self has never stopped for a day believing that my private blogs are read by unauthorized people, meaning, people other than me.

Regardless, my best wishes to this project and the well-being of the participating patients.  At the same time, it's my most sincere hope that the professionals really could make the best use of the captured utterances to maximize the therapeutic advantages of blogging--something I have used my life to test for the past decade. I believe that it will help although we patients might need others to help us catch our own disordered.

Most importantly, we all should keep this in mind, as per the hallucination at my onset, "Do no harm."

Bon Chance!

Them Apocalypses

Throughout the years, I mumble-jumbled about my apocalypses and how purgatorio, paradiso, and inferno all went adios, resurrected, went adios, etc.

The reality is that I have never really read the bible and I have no inkling what the Apocalypse was supposed to be like according to the bible.

I might have read a verse or two when I went with this friend to the Unfinished on the Bunny Day one year. If I recall correctly, they were talking about the story of how Moses led the Israelites to escape through the opening of the Red Sea, and how the the closing of the Red Sea drowned all Egyptians soldiers coming after them. I also know about famous verses like "In the beginning was the word" and "In the beginning God created heaven and earth ...." 

Shamefully, this is about as much text I have read in the Bible. My close-to-nonexisting exposure to the sacred text absolutely appalled one hard-core atheist friend (and I thought that he was about to un-friend me for it) because it is such a literary classic so beautifully composed.

Anyways, so, I spent the last 2-3 days finishing up reading Good Omens, where creatures were running around trying either to ensure that the Apocalypse takes place or to stop it from happening.

Then, it occurred to me how blessed I only had to live through and to revert them unannounced apocalypses one after another without the foresight that, "Odds fish! How on earth am I to prevent it from happening?"

One thing I figured from this book is that the purgatorio is definitely going to be gone with the wind upon the apocalypse. This leads me to wonder: since my apocalypses seemed to have overshot the apocalyptic criteria, perhaps my apocalypses are not the same as The Apocalypse and I should name them something else ... like ... Total Ec-lypses? 8-O

Heavy, Writing

The first draft of one chapter of this new book was written in the dire of MY major depression. After reading it, this copyeditor of mine had me told, "It's too heavy. You need to make it lighter and funnier."

Then, after months of pulling my hair out trying to make my own words lighter and more humorous, I came across the following anecdote about the consequences of heavy writing, which made me laugh my head off.

A Heavy Play.—When Sir Charles Sedley's comedy of "Bellamira" was performed, the roof of the theatre fell down, by which, however, few people were hurt except the author. This occasioned Sir Fleetwood Shepherd to say, "There was so much fire in his play, that it blew up the poet, house and all." "No," replied the good-natured author, "the play was so heavy, that it broke down the house, and buried the poor poet in his own rubbish."

Various (2012-05-17). The Book of Three Hundred Anecdotes Historical, Literary, and Humorous - A New Selection (p. 40). . Kindle Edition.

Catch-22

I decided to pick up some humorous classics since my training in academic writing didn't cover the humor department and a classic is something everyone wished to have read. Now I have plowed through Catch 22 like how Orr rowed himself on that raft to Sweden, I have to agree that Catch 22 is one fun book to read with the embedded humor characterized by disordered-ness. I could do away, though, with the depressing part towards the end though when too many people were dropping and the tone turned serious.

Done with the reading, I just got on the raft of having to figure out how my propelling through this book could assist me in rowing through the humorization process of my writing.

Before I get to Sweden, let me share this direct quote with you. So this is where Catch-22 came from:

"'Sure there's a catch,' Doc Daneeka replied. 'Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.'
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."

BTW, the medal scene from the film.

Unmerited suffering

I have been stuck in a state of not-a-whit-of-wit while trying to humorize my amateur version of "Les Mis" accidentally created as depression slyly sneaked out on me throughout the months described in my last post.

As a psychotic depressive (in major depression) with the biggest fear as the complete opposite of Yossarian's in Catch 22 and the premonition of the pending death enriched by the auditory hallucination of "Death be upon you" following me like my half shadow, it's an immensely interesting pursuit to try to be humorous and funny in writing on matters that apparently pained me so much that I actually went back to the psychiatric ward (e.g., the denial of green card, financial issues, facing the abnormal pain and mobility issues that would not go away).  Worst of all, because I was too depressed to be humorous to begin with, trying to be humorous to no avail during the revision process and consequentially making no progress depressed me even more, especially when effects of anti-depressant was slacking away, taking its time to work.

This quota of my unmerited suffering leads me to conclude that because it's been a long long time since I last dealt with major major major major kind of depression that last so long, I have become rusted in being depressed (and it's a good thing that my books focus on psychosis rather than on depression). Also, I suspect that the attempt to be funny and humorous is actually a depressant when in major depression even though they say that humor etc helps. I would actually suggest against intentional attempts to be humorous and funny unless your psychotic self also push you to work through a book that requires humor to lighten things up. Nonetheless, unintentional humor seems kosher still.

Just a state report summarizing what I have been down to and a followup for my last post.



A quote to share with you (where I got the title from):
"to reconcile belief in an omnipresent, omni-benevolent God with the fact of unmerited suffering."

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/opinion/sunday/god-darwin-and-my-college-biology-class.html?_r=0

What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

All things included, having to live with this body and the head and the drug side effect while trying to push the book out, I am tired.

Suffering is the word I will use this time.

I lived through 8-9 months with thought broadcasting sysmptom because Seroquel at a dosage lower than 25 mg nowadays could already make my body jumping around, waking me up in the middle of the night finding my knees rolling up to my chest. Also, I had to work on the book.

When I eventually up the dosage even more to get the symptoms taken of, the bodily side effect got even worst. I couldn't sleep because of the bodily discomfort and the tightening up of muscles all over.

As a result, Abilify was added to treat the condition and to replace Seroquel. Unfortunately, the bodily side effect, Akathisia, of Abilify was even worst. I was so busy shaking my body and moving the body around that I could do nothing else at all.

Then, for weeks, I had to go through meds reduction and constantly coping with drug withdrawal. I started trying to taper off Seroquel only to realize at some point that the side effect of Abilify was even more unbearable. As a result, I had to gradually cut own on the dosage of Abilify and got off it instead.

In the meanwhile, the bodily discomfort was always there--the physical part of my minor inconveniences in life. I went to a neurologist and tried out meds like Lyrica, but it made me more sedated than anything else, and did not take the discomfort part away at all.

Worst of all, all these medication brought forth depression as well.

Amidst all these, based on my friends' feedback, I realize that the book was too long and I decided to split it into 3. Yet, it's simply too difficult to use this head under the influence of the medication and depression as well as the bodily discomfort.

All these lead to the question: What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

It also made me perplexed why no one cares to ask what the meaning of life might be.

Then, I revisited the following clip by Frankl. It doesn't answer the question but, at least, it tells me that I am not the only one bearing this question.

Quote of Francis Bacon

FRANCIS BACON

Essay 1. Of Studies. 

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.

Quote by Henry Longfellow

HENRY W. LONGFELLOW. 

A Psalm of Life. 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers, "Life is but an empty dream!" For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem. 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting. 

Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

The Light of Stars. 

Know how sublime a thing it is To suffer and be strong.

Quote by Philip James Bailey

PHILIP JAMES BAILEY 

Festus 

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a dial. 

We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.

Quote by Alfred Tennyson

ALFRED TENNYSON

In Memoriam. xxvii. 

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

('Tis better to have written the books which probably will not sell than never to have written them at all.)

Quote by John Keats

JOHN KEATS. 

Endymion. 

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

(Nice and simple words)

Quotes by Lord Byron

Lord Byron

Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, 

Canto IV (1818), Stanza 109

Man!
Thou pendulum betwixt a smile and tear

Stanza 185. 

And what is writ, is writ.
Would it were worthier!

Darkness. 

I had a dream which was not all a dream.

English Bards. 

'Tis pleasant, sure, to see one's name in print; A book's a book, although there's nothing in't. (lol talking about my books?!)

Don Juan. 

Canto xiii. St. 95. 

Society is now one polished horde,
Formed of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.

Quote by Thomas Moore

Thomas Moore

All That's Bright Must Fade

All that's bright must fade, --
The brightest still the fleetest;
All that's sweet was made
But to be lost when sweetest.

See full poem

.

Quotes of Walter Scott

WALTER SCOTT.

The Lay of the Last Minstrel

Canto ii. St. 22. I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me.

The Monastery. Vol. i. Chapter ii. 

Within that awful volume lies
The mystery of mysteries!

Quotes of Rubert Burns

Robert Burns

Scots wha hae (Scots, who have).

Let us do or dee

See full text in Scottish and English

Despondency. 

O Life! them art a galling load, Along a rough, a weary road, To wretches such as I!

See full text.

Quote of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

School for Scandal. 

Act iii. Sc. 3. 

Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; 

Here's to the widow of fifty; 

Here's to the flaunting, extravagant quean, 

And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. 

Let the toast pass; 

Drink to the lass; 

I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.

Quote of William Cowper

WILLIAM COWPER.

The Task

Book II, The Timepiece

There is a pleasure in poetic pains
Which only poets know. 

Variety's the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavor.

Conversation. 

A fool must now and then be right, by chance.

Verses 

Supposed to be Written by Alexander Selkirk.

How fleet is a glance of the mind! 

Compared with the speed of its flight, 

The tempest itself lags behind, 

And the swift-winged arrows of light.

Quote of Beilby Porteus

BEILBY PORTEUS.

Death, a Poem. 

One murder makes a villain, Millions a hero.

Quote of Thomas Gray

THOMAS GRAY.

On a Distant Prospect of Eton College. 

No more: where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.

(It surely is a shear folly to know what I know today. Why don't/can't I stay blessed?)

Quote of Lord Lyttelton

LORD LYTTELTON

Soliloquy on a Beauty in the Country.

Where none admire, 'tis useless to excel;
Where none are beaux, 'tis vain to be a belle.

Quotes of James Thomson

JAMES THOMSON.

THE SEASONS.

1. Autumn. Loveliness Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, But is when unadorned, adorned the most.
2. Winter. Cruel as death, and hungry as the grave.

Quotes of Edward Young

EDWARD YOUNG.

NIGHT THOUGHTS.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

Quotes of John Gay

JOHN GAY

FABLES. 

The Shepherd and the Philosopher.

Whence is thy learning? Hath thy toil
O'er books consumed the midnight oil?

Epitaph on Himself. 

Life's a jest, and all things show it;
I thought so once, and now I know it. (Can I borrow these words for my own epitaph?)

Quotes of Thomas Tickell

Thomas Tickell
On the Death of Addison. 

There taught us how to live; and (oh! too high
The price for knowledge) taught us how to die.

Colin and Lucy. 

I hear a voice you cannot hear,
Which says I must not stay,
I see a hand you cannot see,
Which beckons me away.

Alexander Pope's quote

ALEXANDER POPE.

AN ESSAY ON CRITICISM.

1. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.
2. True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, As those move easiest who have learned to dance.
3. To err is human: to forgive, divine.

Print it or no--Shall I apologize for my book? Copycat

On a day when the side effect of Seroquel has gotten ever strong, I managed to pull through The Author's Apology For His Book from Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan

Well, when I had thus put mine ends together, I shew'd them others, that I might see whether They would condemn them, or them justifie; And some said, Let them live; some, Let them die; Some said, John, print it; others said, Not so: Some said, It might do good; others said, No.

Now was I in a straight, and did not see Which was the best thing to be done by me: At last I thought, Since you are thus divided, I print it will, and so the case decided.

I think that there will be at least one person who says to me, "Print It."--who might be me myself.  

Encountering Bunyan's words, I might want to apologize for the mode and style in my upcoming books--even though I can't do work until the dosage down beginning tonight and I am feeling too unwell, with body jerking around and the head refusing to start, to even think of the books.

I shall admit that, reading writing so fine by Bunyan and the others makes me feel shy to pen down any other line. Writers! Pardon me for infringing the sacred place of writing with limited my words. But having to live through what I have to go through to come this far, the books will be finished, save they have to wait.

Shakespear's quotes

I find the following qutoes of Shakespear to my liking. No. I didn't not read through it all within a few hours. These are quotes listed in the free Kindle book Familiar Quotations (Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.)



TWELFTH NIGHT. 

1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 

1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Comparisons are odorous.

MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. 

1. Act v. Sc. 1. The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven, And as imagination bodies forth The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen Turns them to shape, and gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name.

MERCHANT OF VENICE. 

1. Act i. Sc. 1. I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano; A stage, where every man must play a part, And mine a sad one.
2. Act i, Sc. 1. Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing; more than any man in all Venice. His reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff: you shall seek all day ere you find them: and, when you have them, they are not worth the search. (Sounds like Shakespear is talking about me. lol)
3. Act ii. Sc. 7. All that glisters is not gold.
4. Act v. Sc. 1. How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

AS YOU LIKE IT.

1. Act i. Sc. 3. Cel. Not a word? Ros. Not one to throw at a dog.
2. Act ii. Sc. 7. And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe, And then from hour to hour we rot and rot, And thereby hangs a tale."
3. Act ii. Sc. 7. I must have liberty Withal, as large a charter as the wind, To blow on whom I please.
4. Act ii. Sc. 7. All the world's a stage And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts
5. Act iii. Sc. 8. Truly, I would the gods had made thee poetical. (Talking about me? 8-O)
6. Act iv. Sc. 1. I had rather have a fool to make me merry, than experience to make me sad.

TAMING OF THE SHREW. 

1. Act iv. Sc. 1, And thereby hangs a tale.

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

1. Act v. Sc. 3. Praising what is lost Makes the remembrance dear.

MACBETH.

1. Act i. Sc. 1. Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
2. Act i. Sc. 3. Present fears Are less than horrible imaginings.
3. Act i. Sc. 3. Come what come may, Time and the hour runs through the roughest day.
4. Act iii. Sc. 2. Duncan is in his grave! After life's fitful fever he sleeps well.
5. Act iii. Sc. 4. Stand not upon the order of your going, But go at once.
6. Act iv. Sc. 3. I cannot but remember such things were, That were most precious to me.
7. Act v. Sc. 5. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more; it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

KING JOHN.

1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale, Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

KING RICHARD II. 

1. Act ii. Sc. 1. The ripest fruit first falls.{60}

FIRST PART OF KING HENRY IV. 

1. Act i. Sc. 2. 'Tis my vocation, Hal; 'tis no sin for a man to labor in his vocation.

FIRST PART OF KING HENRY IV.

1. Act ii. Sc. 4. I was a coward on instinct.
2. Act v. Sc. 4. The better part of valor is—discretion.

SECOND PART OF KING HENRY IV.

1. Act i. Sc. 2. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.

SECOND PART OF KING HENRY VI. 

1. Act iii. Sc. 1. Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.
2. Act iii. Sc. 3. He dies and makes no sign.

THIRD PART OF KING HENRY VI. 

1. Act v. Sc. 6. Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; The thief doth fear each bush an officer.

KING RICHARD III

1. Act iv. Sc. 4. An honest tale speeds best, being plainly told
2. Act v. Sc. 4. A horse! a horse! My kingdom for a horse!

JULIUS CAESAR.

1. Act i. Sc. 2. But, for mine own part, it was Greek to me.
2. Act ii. Sc. 2. Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.
3. Act iii. Sc. 2. Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.
4. Act iv. Sc. 2. There are no tricks in plain and simple faith.

ROMEO AND JULIET.

1. Act v. Sc. 1. My poverty, but not my will, consents.

HAMLET.

1. Act i. Sc. 4. Let me not burst in ignorance!
2. Act i. Sc. 5. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
3. Act ii. Sc. 2. Brevity is the soul of wit.
4. Act ii. Sc. 2. Though this be madness, yet there's method in it.
5. Act iii. Sc. 1. To be, or not to be? that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them?—To die—to sleep— No more—and, by a sleep, to say we end The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to—'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To die—to sleep— {85} To sleep! perchance, to dream—ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
6. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
7. Act iv. Sc. 5. When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions!

OTHELLO.

1. Act ii. Sc. 1. For I am nothing, if not critical.
2. Act iii. Sc. 3. O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster, which doth make The meat it feeds on.

I haue ...

This nice quote from the bible should be the ending of the DWM book.

“I haue fought a good fight, I haue finished my course, I haue kept the faith.”
2 Timothy iv. 7., 1611 King James Version  

Thine own mouth

No wonder I run mouth on myself all the times ...

Luke xix. 22. Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee.

Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Locations 196-197). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Peal before swine

Never knew where the express "peal before swine" comes from ...

Matthew vii. 6. Neither cast ye your pearls before swine.
Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Location 172). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Thou knowest not what a day may bring forth

Guess this is why I have to stay in the present for it's true, though knoest not what a day may bring forth such as a chair collapsed under me in a meeting. 8-O lol 8-X

Proverbs 27 Boast not thyself of to-morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.

Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Location 135). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Who is the audience and why?

My friends' comments made me worried.

The book, even with DWM itself as a book, is too long.

Feedback from both sources resonates with a question I have been asked far too often: Who is the audience?

My answer now is: The audience is the research community. The purpose as getting the dataset published so as to reach those who might be interested in making use of the data.

I believe the dataset could do some help. It's just I won't be the person to analyze my own data.

Essentially, I am publishing DWM as a book in search of the people who can make use of it, find implications based on it, and help my fellows and I with it.

Come to think about it, from the beginning of my blogging era, what I have been doing is sending the SOS to all the researchers on psychosis on the planet and beyond.

"This is what I can offer. Please take what I can offer, turn it into Gold ... into real-life implications.  Help us, including me, and help us to help ourselves."

Can you hear me now? 8-O



From craving and meaning

Let me still be researchable.
Let me be that row in your dataset.
Let me be that dot in your analysis.
Let me hope that to be a useful dot in your sea of data. Outlier or not.
Let me give you the burden of understanding our collective being for I might have stopped kicking before we get to connect the dots.
Let you be my extended cognition to off set some of my meaning craving so that I could go back to my life working on deadlines to be made and tasks to be accomplished (including finding a good paying job and a rich husband who lets me use my money lol).

What differentiate a content provider and a writer?

It's God's honest truth that I really have a beef with my own writing--the more I read it, the more of "a beef" I have with it. I have no idea why I can't write elegantly like other people. Man.

Then, this thought came upon my mind: What differentiate a content provider and a writer?

The former contributes content and the later writes. According to a friend of mine who's a copyeditor, content providers are not necessary writers?

Good thing I never claim myself to be a writer since I am possibly a content provider who fails in the writing department.

Yet, even if I assume myself as a content provider, it still doesn't resolve the original issue of "why I can't write elegantly like other people." 8-O lol

Kafka-thou hast depth

Just listened to Kafka's Metamorphosis again as I was brainlessly inserting hyperlinks for the Kindle version of my book.

It's an absolutely powerful story in simple language (at least based on the English version).

My after-thought: Kafka, thou hast depth.

I have a dream: Some day someone will find value and help in the Ratology book.

If I thought the process of working on proofreading the Ratology book is tedious, I didn't know jack. The process of formatting the book to according to Kindle and Create Space standards, respectively, is a real killer--killing me softly with physical pain.

In any case, one thought I have in mind when silently enduring my suffering is: Will it help?

I have a dream: Some day someone will find value and help in the Ratology book.

When the day comes, I will have to thank that someone for making my dream comes true.

Please find below the full Table of Contents (that you won't find in the book itself).

hard to write a book description

It's hard to write a book description.

I think the reason why it's difficult is because you are supposed to write that description to sell your writing to others.

So far in my life, I have only write to write rather write to sell.  A different skill I guess.

Book description trail - semi-thriller

Does this version sound too grandious?

What happens as one first encounters psychosis? What happens when psychosis becomes an ordinary part of life? Overwhelmed by persecution, I started to write and journal in response to the conspiracy theories surrounding me as early as in year 2000. What's to be revealed in Ratology Evolutions: Ratprincess's Psychotic Discourse is the journaling of a journey in the sea of psychosis, tainted by disordered thoughts and hallucinations. One thing to keep in mind when reading real-life journal is: "What portion of the discourse is in response to real (i.e., shared by others) events?" Be sure to stay centered for if you can't stay afloat in the sea of my madness, you might sink with me.

My personal account is littered with references to my cultural background, and coupled with a thoughtful, academic treatise which attempts to provide a more structured view of my journey. Readers will get a tantalizing glimpse into the lives of those living with mental health conditions, physical disabilities, and chronic pain. It could be a supplementary reading to those interested in psychosis including students and those in the mental health field.

Would it interest people? (I know ... I never really get comments even when openly solicit comments. 問也是白問。lol )

book description trail - journal

Although this book referenced to events in past psychotic episodes (e.g., Apocalypse) or daily life, one key notion the readers have to keep in mind when reading writing in my journaling format is: What portion of the discourse is in response to real (i.e., shared by others) events? If you can't stay centered, you sink into madness with me.

book description trials: fish

This is a story about my psychosis and me.
This is a story about the relationship between my psychosis and me.

I think, you think, everyone else think. But my psychosis is mute despite hallucinations. My psychosis is mute because it simply does its own thing.

Could I run, climb, dance, and bear weight again?

Could this line of technology also help my body to regain the ability to run, climb, dance and bear weight again , though all my limbs are intact--just the body pays no mind to my intention? A dream of mine. Fulfill-able? The question.

Good luck to projects alike to help those who can benefit it and end disabilities.

"Basic level of physical function should be a part of our human rights. Every person should have the right to live life without disability if they so choose."

A dream: Backpacking

On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the Narita Airport ... with a real luggage other than my backpack carrying my laptop, camera, two external hard drive, and essential documents.

I did an extensive though not as in-depth as possible trip in Japan. I went as far north as Kessennuma (氣仙沼) and Sendai, and saw work people put forth in the area affected by tsunami to rebuilt their cities and economy. I went as south as Miyajima in Hiroshima.  I also visited Osaka, Kyoto, Nagoya, Tokyo, Narita, and stayed at 山中湖 Yamanaka-ko by Mt. Fuji.


Other than all the new experience (which will not be covered here), like in all other places on this planet, one consistent theme throughout the trip was the never-ending pursuit in search of a disability access and the detours I have to take to avoid stairs. lol

Moreover, a thrifty (necessary since I am selling all things off to pay my bills so as to get the book out) backpacker like me also would like to take the train into the Narita airport.  I did it with 3 steps.

1. I physically did a trip taking a tour from Narita to Narita airport to see whether there is an elevator going from the platform. I also walked all the way to the check-in counter to see how I might be able to carry my luggage, too heavy for me (though considered light by the others).
2. Since I had to get to the airport by 6-7 o'clock and the freaking hostel I stayed at was on the 3rd floor and without an elevator, plus less than "no service" provided by the owner, I actually troubled another guest to help me carry my luggage downstairs and stored the luggage at the locker of the train station the night before. This is because I won't find anyone to help me carry the luggage down and might not be able to get a cap 5 o'clock in the morning.
3. On the morning of the departure, I got to the station, got my luggage, took the JR train, arrived at the airport, put the luggage on the cart, wheeled it to the check-in counter, and checked in.

My body was a wreck and it took me weeks if not months to recover although ...

my dream since 2007 finally came true because I went backpacking  and I got myself to the airport the same thrifty way the other backpackers do.

Sure, a mental and physical handicapped like me should just stay home and be disabled. Yet, my dream came true.

(This is cross-posted in Ratology at Large.)

A dream: Mango Ice 芒果冰

Because of my bodily condition, I can not have ice or drink icy drinks and I haven't had anything icy since 2008.

Therefore, for years I had a dream. I wanted to try out this world famous Taiwanese Mango Ice 芒果冰, which I was too cheap to buy in my healthy days.

Finally, I went with two pals to Ice Monster bought myself one of the following bowls of ice.

I tasted something like 1-2 spool of ice and that was it. Unfortunately, albeit with hot water as the chaser, bodily pain emerge right after and I had to quickly take a hot shower and an Alleve to kill the pain.

Regardless, on July 8th, 2014, I bought myself Mango Ice 芒果冰 and get a dream fulfilled.

Only if the fulfillment of all dreams could simply be bought.

A dream: walking around with my laptop

I decided to carry my 3-pound laptop out with me today.  Didn't walk too far or too long but it is a great accomplishment, since I was tired out after my trip in Japan. It also fulfills yet another dream of mine: having the leisure and the ability to carry a laptop and do work wherever, like everyone else.

Regardless, on July 25th,, 2014, I made this dream come true despite of the short distance covered.

book description

I thought the introduction chapter was bad since you need to know what you are talking about in order to introduce the book.

Now I realize that writing book description is even worse since I will have to capture my ideas in even fewer words. 8-X

My shrinking head

A new study found that other than ordinary aging, my antipsychotic medication might have contributed to the faster rate for my brain to shrink ... with me possibly having fewer brain cells and connections than normal.

They say that the shrunken brain has not been found to "have effect on people" such as cognitive capacity, although I wonder whether it's dependent on how cognitive capacity is defined.

Antipsychotic drugs linked to slight decrease in brain volume

Original article: Longitudinal Changes in Total Brain Volume in Schizophrenia: Relation to Symptom Severity, Cognition and Antipsychotic Medication

(This is cross-posted in Research Kinda Thing)

Anyone have a recommendation for a self-publishing company?

Albeit with the clairvoyance that ain't nobody is gonna respond, I have this question to post to the world:

Anyone have a recommendation for a self-publishing company?

9-copy book

I had thought that my previous book aka my dissertation sold 10 copies.  Ended up, as per the following blurb, it sold 8 copies.  As a result, I only need to sell 9 copies of this Ratology boook to break my own record. GSD!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The Check
Got a check in the mail today. Eight copies of my dissertation, which contained 90 percent statistically insignificant results, were sold. A big fat check—$10.15 I was paid. lol.
Hooray!
Just don’t ask me about the return on investment for the calculation of ROI is postponed till the time when we reach a ratio of greater than zero. lol.

From the view of a normal: What it be like to be psychotic?

Just watched the clip where Anderson Cooper experimented with auditory hallucination, one of the classic psychotic symptoms, and his take on it.

Anderson takes part in an experiment to help understand how people live with mental illness

The simulation as seen on the clip does a good job in representing what it be like to live with voices. Personally, when my voices got to be at the level that Mr. Cooper had to experience, my mental health condition would have been very bad with the presence of thought broadcasting and "telepathy" coexisting as well.  It's gotta be tough for him to pull it through.

At the same time, I suspect that the comment Mr. Cooper made about how he couldn't wait to turn the voices off absolutely resonates with all who live with symptoms like auditory hallucination. 

What did I bring with me into the psychiatric ward the first time I was hospitalized?

I found an old textbook that I had great difficulties locating online nowadays if not simply everywhere else:

Haag, S., Cummings, M., & Dawkins, J. (2000). Management information systems for the information age. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill/Irwin

Afterwards, this question came to my mind, "What did I bring with me into the psychiatric ward the first time I was hospitalized?"

Apparently, although I didn't even bring underpants with me into the psychiatric ward, let alone other types of clothing, I somehow might have gone into the Club Meds with Management information systems for the information age by Haag, Cummings, & Dawkins (2000). (Ask me not why or how on earth this exact book is still in my possession after my move from New York. 8-O 8-X)

The ugly handwriting on the paper was mine. Yes. 8-X
In this picture, you can find my daily journal in the psychiatric ward, the textbook text I referred to in the first paragraph of the journal, and the digitized text on the screen in the back.

A lady, big love sign, and Niagara Falls

For years, I searched and searched for the text of a short story I read, possibly, as a freshman in college.

All that I recalled was a young lady, a guy, a motel/hotel with a big love sign, a trip involving a tube or something alike going down the Niagara Falls.

I think I even went in person to the public library by the Niagara Falls and contacted them through email to see whether they might know of the story. All attempts failed.  Might have something to do with the fact that I ain't got no inkling about the author name and the title--other than what I could recall.

Like how I felt about Françoise and her headless chicken de Proust, as time goes by, I am starting to doubt whether I really read that story.

Then, earlier tonight, I found my notebooks from the college years on a bookshelf. In one of the notebook, adjacent to the page where the author name Margaret Atwood appeared was a page where I found the name Emma (possibly a fictional figure who had encountered near-death experience as per my notes).

Ended up, after decades of searching and searching, there really is a short story written about "a lady, big love sign, and Niagara Falls." (Gotta admit that there were even errors in the limited amount of info that I could recall. lol)

So, that text I have been searching for like a headless fly is "The Whirlpool Rapids" by Margaret Atwood.

P.S., Love the word sauntering used in the text. No wonder I am a two-bit nothing amateur capable only of producing limited my words. lol 8-X

A thought on an additional feature for google map

The issue of disability access for public transportation emerged in a conversation today and it led my head to come up with some ideas.

Don't know what it is like for the others.  Personally, my physical disability has a direct impact on my SES although it ain't like I was above the low SES for so many years.  Like... between 2005 to 2007 right before my accident? 8-O lol sigh

If you are handicapped like me who is stuck in the lower SES, chances are, you will be using the public transportation when going around places as opposed to taxing around. Also if you are a disabled like me whose condition isn't considered as physical disabilities by the system, public transportation surely is the only way to go (e.g., subway, metro, bus).

For newer subway or metro systems, it's more likely to incorporate the "disability access" component into the blueprint.  Yet, for older subway or metro systems, such as those in New York, London, and Paris, which might have been built before passenger elevators are a commodity in ordinary buildings, it's more likely for stations to have not disability access. As a result, if you ask around, a lot of people with disabilities living in cities with older systems might eventually take it to busing to avoid the hassle of finding a station disability access. 

When in New York and when planning trips, I sometimes will use Google Map to help me identify the best route--meaning a route that would minimize the chance of my having to do them stairs.  Let's take a real trip I made to Dyckman Street from W. 108th st. in New York this winter after some snowstorms for example.

Google map helped me identified several routes.

However, on my end, I have to take into the following into consideration, especially when I had never gotten off from the Dyckman Station.

1. Are there elevators installed at this station?

2. If this station is not, since the subway in uptown Manhattan started to run above the ground, are the stairs on the outside and possibly covered by "ice" as opposed to snow?

Ended up, I might have taken the route shown in the picture because I know there are elevators in 168th street station and transferred to M100.

Make no mistake.  This is no complaint.  This is but a description of an event that happens too many a time and possibly not only to me.

The conversation I had earlier led me to think though... since Google Map already does a good job in providing potential routes to destinations, maybe it could incorporate an additional feature with the feature aiming to help people needing disability access to identify the most suitable route.   

Though based on a naive theory, I figure ... perhaps, all that's needed is to have information on which station has elevators and perhaps, at which exit. Given the sophistication of the information the app is capable of providing, it can't be too difficult to add the "elevator" and "exit" variables into the database and the algorithm? (Though I can tell you out front that me ain't got no idea how they found me that route behind the scene and what I have in mind requires the collection and maintenance of information on metro/subway systems globally. Easier said than done. lol 8-X))

Sure, elevators can be under-maintenance or disability accessible might mean slopes. Yet, much better than none!

So it concludes a thought on an additional feature for google map.

P.S., Why using elevator as an indicator as opposed to escalators? Sometimes, escalators don't go all the way to the ground floor or might skip in between floors.

(This is cross-posted at Ratology Reloaded.)

A few words on the final version of the Ratology Book

I have wasted my life away plowing through with the Ratology Book: Ratprincess' 11-copy book--trying to get it done after having all contents edited by copyeditors 3 times and more iterations by me's, myselves, and I's.

Then, I realized that the styles I have applied to the main text were exhibiting abnormal behaviors. This is it. If it's not because there is a ghost in my computer, it means God is sending me a message--that's it ... whether I believe in ghosts or God.

This is not putting me in a good mood especially after draining myself all these years in all capacity.

As a result, I have decided that there are 4 possible versions of the book

• Version 1. A book with the front and back cover without words.
• Version 2. A book with the preface section only where you will find only two words: 有鬼
• Version 3: A book with only the prologue section where you will find the documentation leading up to my onset
• Version 4: A book with the majority of the content except stripping the entire model because I don't have the energy to reapply styles to each every post so as to link to them to back up the argument in the model
• Version 5: A book containing all content available today except the gaps are none of my business to fill

Given the way it goes and the reality that the style shown on the side panel is in-congruent with what is shown on the stylesheet, it's very likely that, by the end of this project, I will only be offering you a book without words. It just seems like God's will that version 1 is the preferable version independent of all things.

C'est ca.

Heading remain

Heading Gone

Hallucination is a fact

I came across this quote by Bertrand Russel that absolutely resonates with how I conceive my psychotic symptoms if not simply my entire existence.  Think I would it with you.

"A hallucination is a fact, not an error; what is erroneous is a judgment based upon it."

No truer words.  It's like them hallucinations and delusions are absolutely natural in their own rights since, after all, they are but the product of the nature. My plight, as a psychotic, is the habitual erroneous MO to make judgment based upon them.

Over six years at large!

I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day, especially not since 2008. Because Valentine's Day 2008 was the day I was last locked up behind the gated doors with a walker as the moving aid, Valentine's Day brings me more scares than anything else. 8-O lol

Right now, New York Time, 2/15/2014.

Albeit with the ups and downs in my symptom levels since 2008, into the seventh year--I have managed to keep myself at large (knock on wood and, the mental God, there is no doubt that I bow in front for you).

Happy At Large Day!

(A note I dared not even entertain till I am sure that it's Feb. 15th already.  Chicken-shit la! lol)

Down with Meds -- A revelation of Ratology (Recovered): 歡喜就好

Ratology needs to be studied? 8-O

As I am plowing away in the dungeon of my own words in yet another kinda Selva Oscura due to the uncertainty about how to get the texts of DWM processed and wondering why on earth I have to get this done other than I have come so far, I found the following quote in the 1866 Documents of the Assembly of the State of New York or Annual Report of the American Institute of the City of New York

So they said in 1866, "Ratology needs to be studied"? 8-O lol

Though. .. please refer to the following for contextual information on why the legislature assembly of New York State would issue a document with a quote as such in 1866.