2 days to June 19th

3 years is neither a long time nor a short time.

It is some time and the duration of time for some significant benchmark in my life.

It took me 3 years to get my junior and senior high school diploma.

I went to Taiwan university for 3 years.  Afterwards, I spent 3, in retrospective, interesting time in Vancouver, BC.

The most haunted 3 years in my life so far... would be the last 3 years minus 2...

I have not looked back for the longest time since, I guess, I always knew that, when the time comes, I will look back.  Before that, let me keep going while trying my best to smell the roses along the way.

Sort of like how the song went... "人說這人生　海海海海路好行　不通回頭望　望著會茫"... You might get too dizzy when looking back...

Today is the day for me to look back after paying St. John the Divine a visit earlier in the afternoon.

Somewhere in the afternoon of June 19th, 2007, I was in a meeting, eating a piece of raisin bran cookie.  The chair collapsed into one piece right underneath me.

The breaking point that set off a journey-- continuing-- into total physical disability and eventually mental disability with pains, struggles and sufferings as the collateral damages.

After I got home that night, my mama was really upset...

"Thank God it was me who took the fall.  Not anyone else at the meeting."

Gotta be Percocet talking... or my sheer ignorance about what is yet to unfold...

In retrospective, if the fall would have taken the same amount of toll on anyone else, I should have let someone else from outside of the college to take the fall so that they can get both worker's compensation and sue someone's behind... which I am not going to name, for negligence.  8-O lol sigh


The before denial state: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/06/life-and-its-unfolding-on-extraordinary.html
Painful expressions: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/01/painful-expression.html
At the very beginning: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/07/last-miles-to-house.html
2 Month Anniversary: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/08/when-to-yield.html

3 months and 1 day: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/09/3-months-and-day.html

Pain: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/11/pain.html

"Sit down. Go back to sleep. You. Me. And, Her.": http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-me-and-her.html

Heading towards cuckoo's nest: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/02/assumptions.html

Last posting before Down with Meds is taken down: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/02/blog-post.html

The Beginning of Ratology Reloaded blog right before I got myself shipped back into the Cuckoo's nest: http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/02/new-world.html

The rest... up to now... such as whatever in this blog... simply the process of recovery... and the associated inconveniences.

In the meanwhile, let me start giving a toast to da really bad hangover...

I am crazy-- Je suis fou- Barthes in Lover's Discourse

A quote in "I am crazy"-- Lover's Discourse by Roland Barthes

"insane in my own eyes (I know my delirium), simply unreasonable in the eyes of someone else, to whom I quite sanely describe my madness: conscious of this madness, sustaining a discourse upon it..."

"Je suis fou"-- Les' Fragments d'un discours amoureux'de Roland Barthes

"insensé à mes propres yeux (je connais mon délire), simplement déraisonnable aux yeux d’autrui, à qui je raconte très sagement ma folie : conscient de cette folie, tenant discours sur elle." (Je suis fou)

Keep going

Found some quotes cited in the book "Now is the Time" at Barnes and Noble today.

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill

And, in my scenario, if ever I were in hell, I somehow must have helped out building my own hell and I simply have to try my best to walk myself out of it.

Could this be why I walk so much? 8-O

Other quotes used in this book:

1. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."  Steve Jobs
2. "To love someone deeply gives you strength; being loved by someone deeply give you courage." Lao Tse (8-O)
3. "All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire but my heart is exclusively my own." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
4. "Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising every time we fall." Confucius (8-O)
5. "Courage is the mastry of fear, not the absence of fear."  Mark Twain.
6. "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."  Jewish proverb.
7. "It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic."  Winston Churchill
8. "To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others."  Buddha
9. "Better to lose the anchor than to lose the whole ship."
10. "Let the dead past bury its dead."  Henry Wadsworth Longfallow
11. "It is a good divine that follows his own instructions." Shakespeare
12. "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Victor Frankl
13. "Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance."  Epicurus
14. "It's a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense."  Robert Ingersoll
15. "Experiences is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."  Randy Pausch
16. "The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to."  F. Scott Fitzgerald

黃霑 - 滄海一聲笑 {電影( 笑傲江湖)片中曲}

This, maybe, is more like... music from Hong Kong... not quite sure

跟往事干杯/姜育恒

Don't know how people came up with words so fine....

乾杯　朋友就讓那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事當作一場宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要裝著昨天的傷悲
請與我舉起杯　跟往事乾杯
舉起杯　跟往事　乾杯

A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X

So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.

I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O

My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota.  8-O lol

God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol



跟往事乾杯
作詞：陳桂珠　作曲：長剛　編曲：陳志遠

經過了許多事　你是不是覺得累
這樣的心情　我曾有過幾回
也許是被人傷了心　也許是無人可瞭解
現在的你　我想一定很疲憊

人生際遇就像酒　有的苦有的烈
這樣的滋味　你我早晚要體會
也許那傷口還流著血　也許那眼角還有淚
現在的你　讓我陪你喝一杯

乾杯　朋友就讓那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事當作一場宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要裝著昨天的傷悲
請與我舉起杯　跟往事乾杯
舉起杯　跟往事　乾杯

再回首/姜育恒

Interesting...

Growing up with this song but never really hear the lyrics until today... 8-O

曾經在幽幽暗暗反反复复中追問
才知道平平淡淡從從容容是最真
再回首恍然如夢
再回首我心依舊
只有那無盡的長路伴著我

Appropriating "real"

Gradually, I am regaining my ability to read...

Some passages I came across in Barnes and Noble to share with you...

I try my best to appropriate "real"... since the biggest challenge these days... to be grounded (or not to lose ground) and to feel life is real.



At the same time, I forgive myself for making errors.... because... I am only human.



This is not THE WAY.  The holly Grail kind of way other people might arrive at just like that.  And, if anyone else know what the is, please advise.

This is only my way.

State

Something someone said reminded me that I have not posted anything here for a while...

I-20 expired again and now I have about a month and a half, as per immigration law, to get myself back to feeling alive cuz...  if ain't no nothing gonna happen, such as me winning the green card lottery etc, at least... I gotta be in a state more awaken and alive than now by the time I arrive in Taiwan... 8-X

Anyways, though long story... I must have written something alike before...

To share with you here is quote from "coloring Mandalas"... some words absolutely speak for my life's experience nowadays...

"Fragmentation, confusion comes about because the pattern is beyond your compreshension."



At this point, I stop or try to stop wanting to figure out whether I have completely lost it or something strange is in the air...  Too much thinking is useless since most of my thoughts are transient and don't need to be encoded in long term memories anyways-- a waste of storage space, I guess... 8-O lol

All that I can say is I have never lived my life so hard in my entire life... partially having something to do with the fact that... it takes extra amount of work to live a life when you feel so dissociated or disconnected from the rest of the world while, at times, the sense of dissociation would get so bad that you would feel even your "self" dissolve.   (Don't understand what I mean?  That's fine.  I don't understand the majority of the things I somehow have to experience either.  It makes at least the two of us.)

My past experience would tell me that this is... once again... the indication that I am overdosed again... except for... it was only about 2-3 months again when the dosage when down to 50 mg of Seroequl?!

In any case, one thing I am sure is that...  I am not gonna BS you about not having this big fear about metamorphosis... as in

(Saw this bookcover @ barnes and noble and love it... Am I turning into a da bug? 8-O lol sigh)

And, the matter of the fact... perhaps... the learning that has incurred, at least in the last 3 years, more than I could bargain for above and beyond the contribution of formal school education... though I didn't ask for it.  8-O lol 8-X

For instance... there ain't no nothing more important than health....  lesson extracted through my encounters  with total disability in different flavors in recent years....  And, of course, that me I used to know, if not be, for example, would not be able to understand.

Psychotics rarely yawn 8-O

Somehow I came across this following passage as I was exercising my newly and developing skill called... reading... at Barnes and Noble....

So I picked up the book and flipped through the page till I landed on a passage about yawning... some strange habit I can't shake...

"psychotics rarely yawn".... except in the case of brain damage.

8-O

Not quite sure really how to read this..... 8-O lol 8-X

http://www.azbedmart.com/sleep-advice/all-about-sleep/facts-about-yawning

Can't read

Twice in a day, this topic of "can't read" came up after I logged for myself yesterday in my private journal that now I am finally regaining my ability to read again in baby steps.

So I have been saying... it is this kind of never-ending synchronicity that got me stuck in my psychotic state.

A blessing in disguise... nowadays.. I only have memory the size of an atom.... would be nicer if it were the size of peanuts.

Anyways...

The materials I can process now while at the onset of relearning to read... still relatively selective... mostly related to the maintenance of my beauty and health... such as...

http://www.suzannebovenizer.com/aromatherapy-essential-oils/the-fifth-chakra

or

http://www.wikihow.com/Cure-Puffy-Eyes

How much do I believe in the things I now finally can start reading?

Well... as long as I don't have allergy... it ain't gonna do me any harm to be spraying on me myself some Aqua Rosa Italiana, I guess... 8-O lol

Well... shall I be right...  my ability to read is slowly coming back.... what I might need to figure out... how to learn to use this skill without breaking myself... yet, again, apart.....

What not to do when calling 8772476116

I got a million calls on my answering machine looking for "Y Chung" or "Y Chang"... Like the following....



Finally, I called them back tonight trying to figure out who the hell is calling me and what for.

So, I asked this woman who answered my phone call what kind of debts they are collecting.

She, instead, asked for the last 4 digits of my social.

I told her... "I am not gonna give you the last 4 digits of my social. That is private information."

She then asked for my birthday. "I am not gonna give you my birthday. That is private and confidential information."

Then, she gave me a wrong last 4 digits of my social and a wrong birthday. And, she told me... sorry... we got the wrong person.

Later on, I realized that... wait a minute... I do recall now that for many a time... I received these debt-collection mail for someone called "Y Chung" (not even my name) and I actually called them back to tell them that I've never had a Victoria's Secret's card and... although I ain't got nothing... me ain't got no debt either except for... oops... gotta take care of some of the bills I haven't got to....

Don't know what it might sound for you.

For me, it seems fishy and I think it is a scam.... and... speaking of... identity theft kinda thing.

Did some googling around only to find out...

I am not alone.... http://800notes.com/Phone.aspx/1-877-247-6116

It would be interesting though... to see whether they will be calling me back again...

Miso soup

Decided to cook myself some miso soup based dinner tonight... only to find out... possibly... especially smokers or those attempting to quit like me....


Miso soup and soy products might help you save your lungs...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1896750/soy_foods_may_improve_lung_health.html?singlepage=true&cat=5

Walk

Just got back from my walk...

There is something strange about my walking... above and beyond what I have mentioned so far...

Every time I walked out of them long walks... I have the feeling that I am a life time away if not many life times away from where I started... if not... also... many reincarnations away.... (and... I must have done many many a thing wrong having to reincarnate so many a time... 8-O oops...)

Then, I think to myself...

Thank God... now I have been trained to not really care what my head has to say... since, apparently, my head changes its mind almost at the speed of light... 8-O lol sigh

Foot soak and sleeping

I tried out soaking my feet with ginger for a change Friday night since... all of a sudden, I started to have this salty sense in my mouth every time I feel cold air coming out from the bottom of my tongue.

It makes me feel warm and... forgotten already.

Yet, one lesson I learned for myself... ginger foot bath or bath might help others sleeping but it doesn't help with my sleeping... had problem falling asleep and sleep through the night.

I soaked my feet in used tea bags and tea leaves... and two drops of essential oils containing ingredients lavender and rosemary instead last night... Don't quite remember how easy it was for me to fall asleep... one thing I do know... I slept for something like a good 10 if not 11 hours...

Real lesson learned, I guess, for me... different things work for different people and we simply have to find what works for ourselves...

And, again, what really worked?  Not my issues no more... as long as I sleep like a baby.

Lavender

I have this gut feeling based my recent experiences... There is something about Lavender.... or maybe not...

The idea of lavender came to me last week when I found it listed in a book at Barnes and Nobles as a sleep aid kinda herb...

So... I found myself some lavender epsom salt and some tea including lavender and other, presumably, sleep enhancing herbs...

I have been sleeping like a baby since Saturday on... and knock on woods...

Then, I came up with this smart idea... maybe I should go look for some lavender hand cream for the day time so that people don't have to hear my mouth when I see things ain't right... side effects of decreased meds and nicotine....

So... today, I went searching for a lavender smell that I can sleep with and I can be awake with...

Then, I got home... out of curiosity...

Why isn't my psychotic symptoms running overboard? (No complaints)

Did some googling for some info concerning lavender etc and schizo-etc and came up with something like the following...

http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/adis/cns/2006/00000020/00000004/art00001

Or... the following info at Medline...

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/natural/patient-lavender.html

Apparently, there is some potential scientific basis for my feeling sedated by my lavender alike venture.... just when I think I am really going crazy due to the decreasing insight blah blah blah.... 8-O lol

At the same time, in my scenario, it doesn't matter whether it is placebo effect or not, you see, as long as it works... such as helping me get a good long night of sleep....

Still on my meds... of course... in other words, the herbal stuffs are the supplements...

Body News: A Sleep Inducing Scent: allure.com

My sleeping problem seemed to have gone away... thank God... and knock on wood...

Other than the natural changes in my neurochemical levels that require time and time....

Some things I have been doing consistently since last posting...

I started soaking my feet using Rite Aid brand Lavender Epsom Salt, use Lavender body cream, and drink tea containing chamomile, lavender etc.

One think I can't handle, though, is Lavender scent of air refreshner...

Just when I though... people must think that I am crazy... while I am crazy...

I came across the following...

Body News: A Sleep Inducing Scent: allure.com

The good thing about these new routines... regardless... it doesn't hurt....

In addition, part of the reason why I didn't entertain this kinda stuff was because--- up to some time last year, "having problem sleeping" was mostly a foreign concept.

Dumb down to the lowest common denominator

Used to be, it takes the medication to help me dumb myself down to the lowest common denominator for the benefit of my mental health condition.  And, I tried so hard to fight it.

If anything I have been trying to learn these past few months if not years... a dream or not... I think I am or whichever parts of me are getting pretty good at dumbing me down nowadays and I am damn happy about it... (tell you I am crazy).... although not yet expert level... and hope there is some truth in it.

Sleep etc

Major things in my life since last posting...

1. Decreased Seroquel dosage
2. Sleep problem
3. Sudden decrease in smoking after I got myself so shit-faced that I spent an entire day and night worshiping the procelain God  

I have never had any problem sleeping until last year...  Don't I miss them golden years of precious ignorance? sigh

First, I started having problem falling asleep...  Then, in my recent times, I started to wake up multiple times during the night.  

Medication... medication.... much of my sleep-related blah blah blah is associated with Seroquel...

At the same time, the sudden decrease of the number of cigarettes I smoke... (2 smokes a day not instead of a pack or so) might also play a role in the sleep problem.  At the same time, something tells me to stick to 2 cigarettes a day for a bit longer because "this might help the system to get back to homeostasis" - so something has me told.

Since the dosage of Seroquel is lowered again

1. more alert or awake during the day time
2. cold air overflowing through out my body and annoyingly coming out of my mouth.  Extremely uncomfortable
3. energy overflowing with a puff or two of cigarette or walking.... as two of the remedies known to me by now   
4. it seems like, right after the dosage get decreased, my body would get into problem again such as pain, walking problem etc. At this point in my life, since there ain't no nothing I could do about it, I just let my body do whatever it has to do as long as I am kicking... 8-O lol sigh 
5. sleep disruption is something that has been driving me up the wall.  The problem I face is that... I would keep on waking up... some nights I would wake up 5-6 times over the duration of a 7- hour or so sleep.  This is pure suffering.  

Since sleep problem is a known side effect of reducing Seroquel dosage and since I don't really want to get into the habit of taking sleeping pills unless necessary, I have to try out something else.  Following are the things that I have been trying so far...

1. Drink Herbal Tea: Peppermint, Chamomile, and... after the sleeping problem got worst, I got this Yogi Tea Bedtime which contains herbs known to help sleeping and relaxation such as Valerian Root, Passion Flower, Chamomile Flower, Skullcap Leaf, St. John's Wort Leaf Flower, English Lavender Flower, Stevia Leaf
2. Foot soaking: I add Epsom salt and all the tea bags left from the day time into a pot of hot water and soak my feet.  I started using this Rite Aid brand of Lavender Epsom salt two days ago and... wow... that wonderful smell itself gave me a buzz... 8-O lol
3. Body lotion: Lavender.... Lavender... Lavender... Lavender... at least upper body... at the same time, my body is getting so spoilt that... if the scent is not right, I can't sleep with it.  For instance, cookie or orange/tangerine kind of smell used to work but no longer work in helping me falling asleep.   Therefore, I am not gonna buy you unless I can sleep with you... my new policy with body cream... So far, I can sleep with bodyshop and Crabtree and Evelyn.  (Maybe I really am a princess... sort of like... the princess and the peas?!  At the same time, never in my life working so hard trying to figure out who to sleep with 8-O lol)
4. Make sure enough nicotine in the system before going to sleep... 

I finally woke up this morning feeling that there is some improvement in my sleep... I woke up only twice before I have to get up to work as opposed to 5-6 times.

At the same time, believe it or not, the whole foot soak thing and tea thing do seem to help me feel sleepy even before taking Seroquel.

What exactly worked or happened?

At this point in my life, not my issue.  

Though I do ponder at times... Am I getting crazier or not?

Abridged status update.

望春風 NYC version

I had to rush home right after work... I got a date.

So I waited patiently or impatiently... for the man to show... from 6 o'clock on....

Sort of like...



Almost 9...

Where is the man I have been waiting for for all these time?

I finally decided to pick up the phone and made the call....

So I asked....

"I have been waiting the entire night... dare not go anywhere and dare not even take a shower.... where is the cable guy who is scheduled to pick up my cable box?"

"The appointment is next week."

OMG... I have been sitting here thinking I have a date with the cable guy for the entire time except for no man have me on the calendar at all?!" 8-O lol

Speaking of... spring is in the air.... lol

Disabled

How funny it is... my very first facebook account... disabled....

Disability is a way of life... I guess... 8-O