Sandstorm

Though I am not too much into the reading thing, think I might listen up this book "Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

You are your own sandstorm.. or I am my own sandstorm if not quick sand... as per the replacement players.

Nice quote to share with you as I continue to plow away with DWM

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction. You change direction, but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm is not something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right into the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand does not get in, and walk through it, step by step. There is no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverised bones. That is the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.”
— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

OMG-- Done with Down with Meds before the accident

OMG... I can't believe it and I don't know how it happened...

Yet, I got done with Down with Meds before the accident, which means... done with the first iteration of editing etc for Down with Meds.  

Two months only but two months too long-- I would say.  Not to mention, when simultaneously I have to go through the dosage adjustment from 250 mg to 100 mg till having to cut down to 50 mg yet again.  8-X

Almost like... while nothing has happened, everything happened. 8-O lol

Now a soothing song to calm my two governments- body and mind- in the land of the morning star. lol



Exhaling... da journey down the memory lane.

Gotta thank that day time job of mine because it took my mind of Down with the Meds and that's why this first iteration could be done.

Will leave the second initialization till at least tomorrow.

Merciful mechanism

Came across an interesting quote de W.H. Auden on the Merciful mechanism:

"There is a merciful mechanism in the human mind that prevents one from knowing how unhappy one is. One only realizes it if the unhappiness passes, and then one wonders how on earth one was ever about to stand it."

Because sometimes a title is all you need... Princess Three Buckets de Aqua

So said the wise Puss... "because sometimes a title is all you need."



So I thought...  "I want a title, too!"

Yet, wait a minute... am I not already Ratprincess?

Maybe time for a Change... changing to something like Princess Three Bucket of Water....

Three bucket of waters... something I did in my much younger years when I would dip the cups into the first bucket with dirtier water and maybe with dish soap, dip them into the second bucket where the water less not so clean and the cups a bit clearer, and, dip them into the third bucket where both the water and the cups would be far cleaner than in the first bucket. (Guess no one would want to hire me to do their dirty dishes for them. 8-O lol)

All else I haven't done in life... I have done the three buckets of water thing.

So shall I be 三桶水公主 from now on except for... Princess Three Buckets of Water seems to be a name too long and Princess TBW sounds like an acronym far worse than PASW... for the formerly known as formerly known as SPSS.

So I had this genius idea.... So shall I be called Princess Three Buckets de Aqua or Princess TBA.  8-O lol

Psychotic Girl

Ain't got no idea that there is a song for me...

The normal's worldview about-- also--- psychotic girl? 8-O lol

And, make sure you don't get lost in the world of the psychotic girl or that'd be Folie à deux 8-X lol

Psychotic girl - The Black Keys


Interesting song... interesting music... the music does pretty much captures how I feel most of the time when not much is going on in my head...

The next song I am looking forward to would be cripple girl...

Then, I shall be compact; I shall be full. 8-O lol

歡喜就好

This word came up in the conversation today... 歡喜就好.. as long as you like it...

Reminding me of the last post I made 4 years ago yesterday... the last post before ratology.blogspot.com was gone after the high wind of da snow storm on upper westside had my cover blown off- before it was resurrected last year with a past semi-blank- although it was a past lived and I am still living with it day by day with its residual- words, words, and never-ending words- attempting da 不可說 to narrate or da Pandora's box to unlock.

By this time in 2008, Ratology was no longer in existence and I had lived through one more sleepless night before I reached the ER bed and be sent to my psychiatric ward on wheelchair on da scary Valentines Day.

Though I reside not in the past (though been living with it word by word)- ouch- so I say.

(So it is the story of life... i frame within i frame- degenerate or not on the multidimensional planes.)

Psychotic without insurance?

I was really going towards the institutionalizable grade of psychotic back last fall.  Yet, first time since my onset, I didn't have insurance and didn't have a psychiatrist in NYC.

After a whole lot of running around, I finally was able to see a psychiatrist and get my Seroquel at the "Psychiatric Walk-In clinic" at the Metropolitan Hospital Center.  (If you are going to see a psychiatrist, please remember the "Psychiatric" part of it and make sure you get there by 7:30 or so to ensure you can get an appointment!)

For self-pay patients who don't have insurance, there are different options available to help you get a prorated rate.

If you haven't gotten your Medicaid, MetroPlus or HHC options up and running at the time when you need to fill your prescription, I will suggest you to fill it in the pharmacy inside of the hospital.  This way, once you get your prorated status ready, you can go to the patient account and discuss the plausible refund for the full amount you had to pay in advance.  (So I was told though I haven't done it before myself.)

Good luck and stay healthy in NYC.

Unfortunately, if you do need help, help is available however in lack of options you might feel!

Back to Technoratology

Had this thought today... before RatologyTech was Technoratology, which was taken down almost 4 years ago now- the same time I took down Down with Meds-- A revelation of Ratology.

After realizing the technoratology is free fro grab now, I decided to bring it back to Ratology associations...

Reminding me of this quote:
"I have had to bury my real self-and now realize that bringing back that real self is going to be even more difficult than it was to bury it."(Sarton, 1988 cited in Charmaz, 1991)

Could have done a redirect but decided to keep it this way for, I guess, there is no means to redirect the past.  At least me ain't got that talent... lol

(This is cross-posted in RatologyTech.blogspot.com)

The undead? 8-O

Back to work on Ratology: Down with Meds today after the break...

I thought Ratology: down with meds was dead and more dead than dead after I deleted my google account entirely two days before Valentines Day, 2008.

Just realized that.. its traces lingered-live online-- for all these years- as evident by the diagram below.

Yet another trip

Massachusetts State House

Was checking out some pics and clips I took when going to Martha's Vineyard and Boston last fall after I got back from my trip to Hong Kong and Macau today.

So I thought, another one bites the dust... if not another round of my biting the dust...

 The body is in the piece of crap state yet again.

What's so new about it anyways?

The funny thing is that-- been there, done that many a time- the biting the dust thing though it ain't like I fancy it so much- indigestion.  lol

Bite it, suck it up and get on with it is all that I could have ever done.

Edgartown

I love going to see the world and I surely ain't gonna let my body or head stop me- not to mention that my body and head won't let me stopping it. Period. (Am I gonna wait till the day comes when I am miraculously all healed?  Duh.  What if that day never comes, am I gonna wait for the next life that might never come? 8-O lol)

Might need to be easy with the pyramid or mount Everest since I couldn't even handle simply on a pony hill.

Broken, yet, life is wonderful- in pain and of mental, yet another trip!

Who am I: The self years later

After numerous iterations of reconsideration, I decided to make this post of mine public... for those who might be going through or might have gone through the same thing...

Thursday, June 09, 2005
Who Am I Part I -- at the group level
Friday, June 10, 2005
Who Am I Part II- the self-construals

Over 10 years after my self-construal era and 6 and half year after these two posts, it feels really interesting to revisit the concept of individual self-construals especially at a time when the new people I come to know might have sort of figure out I am not like the normal.

Physical abnormality: easily identifiable.

Extra-physical abnormality or deviance from the norm people I recently come to know: Chances are, for them, they could speculate anything they want to but it would be sort of a little struggle for them to pinpoint where the exact deviance resides even though surely something there not quite within the norm.

Since I am not gonna go and blow my own cover (however thin the cover might be and at least not until my book comes out), unfortunately, I would simply let them fellows live through the adjustment process of entering my culture (Oops, sorry...). At the same time, would I consider changing myself?  How do you engineer the process of change shall you have no control over you mind and body?  I had sort of hoped that maybe people in Taiwan can get me normalized though now I am starting to wonder whether it is but an illusion at all (at least not a delusion). lol sigh

While, I guess, for my people back in NY, what is considered as not quite normal is but the norm. Although the "anything goes" attitude of New Yorkers might have something to do with it, I highly suspect that people might have just gotten used to it.  No grand reason at all.

Thus, all that I can hope is that, given time, everyone would be conditioned by the fact that I am simply who I am especially when I have no way to control who I am (otherwise, there wouldn't have been any blog at all).

Today, I have come to term with myself- ain't gonna try to figure out how normal people think since, regardless how the normal think, whether I will think like them is another issue.  And, the matter of the fact is that... something must have happened throughout these past few years because there are a whole lot of things going on in my body and in my head that I literally have no control over-- above and beyond the physical and the mental health things.

So I thought of the concept of the life-span development of the independent and interdependent self-contruals.

I had always been different... be it in Taiwan, in Canada, in the US, back in Taiwan or any other places I have traveled to... and even before I had my psychotic onset.

Many people had thought that it was the cultural differences that they were observing- regardless their cultural backgrounds-- only to realize eventually that it was not "only" the cultural background-- it was and has always been mes-- albeit the different versions of mes.

And, so I figure, what I had to live through these past few years might have somehow contributed to the promotion in the growth of independent self while working not so hard on developing that interdependence self.

I could go on with lengthy paragraphs trying to elaborate on this and that...  Yet, I will keep it simple and with them referring to them people I have encountered all these years regardless of geographically location and whether the "them" that I perceived exist or not in reality.

Controlling for the effects of the physical issues, what does it take for a paranoid schizophrenic to be functional in a world where everyone is constantly making judgments-- be them judgments positive, negative or neutral?  And, forget not, survival proceeds functionality.

If I were to be guided by my interdependent self and focus on practicing the belief that “people are understood primarily in connection to one another,”  I won't last too long at large although it has always been the beautiful people who had me carried along the way.

On the other hand, there is a need for my existence to be detached from the "social environment" because there is a very high likelihood that the environment created by my head is not shared by anyone else.  Since I have no control over myselves, I had to simply let myselves be "mes" since it's not like I have too many an option anyways.

Also, it is not like I knew what I was doing and I worked really hard everyday consciously trying to develop my independent self-construal while oppressing that of my interdependent self-construal.  Not so smart.

It just happened-- in time- while I was sleeping, while I was awake or somewhere in between- provided the same "environment" I carry with me regardless where I am. (Come to think about it, no wonder I can bear no weight since a world must be so of heavey. 8-O lol)

If I were to respond to a comment this friend of mine, an esteemed radiologist working in the field of psychiatry, once said, "You are too much influenced by your mental health condition," my reply today would be, "You bet.  I am looking forward to a day when you people can find a way to help me get rid of the impacts of the environment shared not by anyone else."

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?  God knows.  Just the way it is- human development if not developmental outcomes at this point.

Will my MO change in accordance to the change in the socio-cultural environment shared by the others?  What is the point of entertaining this question since we shall know when the time comes.

Was it all but at the mysterious thing called at the "cognitive" level?  God knows as well except I have a hypothesis-- I think it was that dorsal horn reorganization that nobody can prove or disprove that did it, perhaps.8-O lol

And, am I judging anyone?

Back to this quote of Frankl someone just last night, "No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in the similar situation he might not have done the same."

A motto in my life with this question myselves to ask:" What would I do if I were them?" With them referring to everyone I encounter in the "environment" I carry with me regardless of the geographical locations and whether "they" exist or not. 

The answer, I bet I would do the same.

Am I sure I am sure what I am talking about here?  The truth... I am sure I am sure I am not sure since that'd be the only thing I am ever sure of. 8-O lol

That metacognitive impairment thing

Back to this article
Bayne, T. and E. Pacherie, In Defence of the Doxastic Conception of Delusions. Mind and Language, 2005. 20(2): p. 163-188.
http://www.philosophy.ox.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0013/1093/mind_language.pdf

The delusion the authors were focusing on was "Cotard delusion" or Walking Corpse Syndrome.  Patients with this type of delusion might believe they are dead or they do not exist. 

Interesting... been there, done that and still living with the feeling that reality is a galaxy away.  What else can I do since I am already on Seroquel?

Following are some notes I took regarding the objections people have for the doxastic concept of delusion with no intent to support or refute either approaches:

The no-content objection: It is unbelievable that people need to look into literature and find citations in order to find examples of delusions while I walk around in my daily life having problems shaking the belief that everything I do and say is being relayed somewhere.  To be honest, I don't quite understand what this objection is about.  Does it mean there are no contents in one's delusions?  8-O

The pragmatically self-defeating objection: I was there.  I knew I was dead and I was being killed in a million and a way.  However, I could not die completely.  Thus, I turned in to the undead and the everything else- until all different forces came with all means in order to get my life restored.  How could I have believed it?  I just did.  I had also walked around knowing I am an "undead" in numerous condition.  "Undead" means I was dead but didn't die quite clean enough.  How was I able to walk around being dead?  I wasn't carrying my own body because I was dead.  It was other forces that helped me carry my body-- and sometimes they took turns.  Did it feel like it was my imagination?  No.  It was the reality.  How do I know it was the reality?  How do you know your reality is the reality? 8-O lol

The lack of evidence objection:  There is never evidence? I wouldn't go so far.  I see evidences everywhere... the things that happens, what people say, what they insinuate and what people do to or for me.  There are evidences everywhere except for you never get a confirmation when asking people questions such as "Have you heard anyone talking about me?"  Whether my observed evidence would be considered as evidence to you, that's another question. 

The theoretical reasoning objection:  Are there inconsistencies in my realities?  Yes.  Big time.  Do I attempt to resolve the inconsistency based on evidences gathered?  Of course!  The only problem is that there are inevitably more evidences gathered through my imaginary world than from the world shared by the rest of the population.

The practical reasoning objection:  Why don't the delusionals act all crazy in accordance to their belief?  Haven't you seen some of us pacing up and down the block in shirt and short in the snow, or, shouting at the passersby?  You will see it when I get to that state while, most of the times, I do trying to appropriate my behaviors to what might be considered normal.  In addition, when I was walking around as an "undead", I was being an undead... flat.

The lack of appropriate affection objection:  So the Apocalypse had arrived.  Why didn't I act all perturbed and cried up a storm etc?  Interesting question but what good does it do?  Guess this also has something to do with individual personality and MO.

Bad mood day

Woke up in the morning, I realized that my mom was home.

So I asked, "How come you didn't go to church?"

She replied, "In a bad mood."

Although the number of 6,093,578 is smaller than that of 6,891,139, at least, it is far more than 5,444,949- the number of votes DPP obtained in the 2008 presidential election.

For an underdog without much, I think that's a good fight.

Other than my mom, at least 6,093,578-1 people are in a bad mood today.

And, I love this sportsmanship... when defeated, take the defeat, accept the offset, regenerate, and, re-engineer the process of coming back.



I also have respect for the other candidate 宋楚瑜 who had the determination to go through of it despite of all...

The first time in history to have three candidates running for the presidential election in Taiwan!

An ode to them researchers

Spent the whole night trying to find a citation that I didn't included in this post Impaired Metacognition: Part I

Finally, I think I found it... The following might be the article that I was refering to:
http://www.philosophy.ox.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0013/1093/mind_language.pdf

The process of trying to get back to read this article 7 years later recapitulated the process of coming up with that old post.

Same conclusion I have... thank God I am only delusional but not them people trying to study the delusionals. 8-X

清廉

I am sick and tire of hearing this word "清廉."

How did the KMT get to be so rich?  What about giving back the assets and properties that belong to the Taiwanese people?

Stop talking about "清廉" already.

And... that other family, which I should refrain from naming... OMG... the democracy in Taiwan really went down on the account of your entire family and we trusted you.  Does the outcome splitting the force of an underdog make you happy now and how is it beneficial to anyone?

I think I am gonna go get drunk

Looking at the results of the presidential election so far, I think I am gonna go get drunk tonight.... :'O

Bartender, a cosmo please.

New experiences

One thing I want to do before I stop kicking is to see the aurora borealis in situ.

That'd be some experience!

Before I get to do it, there are a few things that I have yet to experience in life such as getting a credit card in Taiwan.  Unless I win a lottery, I have to work and get a pay stub so as to apply for a Taiwanese credit card.  It is because I am damn annoyed that they wouldn't let me apply for a standard credit card even though most of the places I frequent in Taiwan do not take credit cards.  8-O lol

Something new I did for the first time today- this grumpy old hen voted in the presidential election for the first time and this is where I voted!

To all Taiwanese, you still have till 4 o'clock to cast that vote!  I was gonna say that please don't vote if you are going to vote for this or that party.  Yet, that doesn't sound quite like the democracy kinda thing.  8-O lol

Thus, regardless your preferences, cast your votes and don't forsake your voting right!

6 floors under

As I was monkeying around my business here, I heard people chatting in English 6 floors under, which reminded me of my room in Upperwest Side although I am in Taipei.

So I went... 8-X

Holy cow... Here I go again? 8-O

Then, I decided to walk to the balcony and looked down....

Gott sei dank.

There really are a bunch of people down there chatting in English. 8-O lol

The yawning psychotic

I had to get off early to check in with my psychiatrist today.  The older I get, the lazier I become, and, now I am just gonna outsource all things to the professionals especially when I am in a stage of trying to figure out how to reactivate my head without getting it overheated. 8-O lol

I told him that I took that good fall that finally made me full because I literally am sick 從頭到腳 (a Chinese expression meaning from head to foot).  I also told him that I somehow got a post-doc job and now I am doing research. 

"What was your doctor degree in?"  So asked my psychiatrist.

Well, though my degree is called in Instructional Technologies and Media, my adviser is a cognitive psychologist and I see myself more aligning with da cognitive psychology thing.

"Cognitive psychology?"  My psychiatrist seemed to find it intriguing...

So I explained, "Because my thinking is disordered, I want to know how people think." lol

Then, I asked yet again...

"I can't stop yawning.  If psychotics rarely yawn (unless, so they say, in the presence of neurological damages), why can't I stop yawning?"

"Maybe you don't sleep enough?"  So he asked.

"I yawn regardless whether I sleep too much, too little (or somewhere in between)."

So my psychiatrist suggested, "Do exercise, do yoga etc, maybe."

And I replied, "That's the time when I yawn the most when exercising and relaxing!"

Then, so inquired my psychiatrist, "Come again... what did they diagnose you with in the US?"

So I volunteered the following info again, as I have mentioned many a time in my writing, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder (though I have no doubt that I have hallucinations)...  Regardless, one Seroquel does it all regardless of the diagnosis while no doubt I am psychotic.

Though my psychiatrist, like all other doctors I had asked before, could not give me an answer about why I yawn so much...  I knew it but I simply had to ask the question.

Without saying much more, my psychiatrist made a final remark, the same remark my rehab doctor made when I saw him after the fall and a remark many people had me told, "Just don't fall again."

So I got out of the building and took extra precaution in walking... back to the ordinary world that everyone (almost) knew me and what I said.  I waited for the light to turn and... as I was waiting, back was yawning again.

So I thought, God knows, this yawning thing, whether that is even something worth pondering about other than it doesn't really make me look too good when walking up and down the street- yawning up a storm.  No wonder I can't find a husband... ain't my fault... all da yawning's fault. 8-O lol

Yet, still I have to ask... anyone out there have an answer to why this psychotic yawns so much?

Lessons learned

Just came back from paying my respects to this uncle of mine.

Guess, this is part of the getting old process-- to see the passing of people I know despite of my aversion towards it.

I had wanted to take my uncle and aunt to this restaurant after I get my check.  Unfortunately, he passed away before the check gets materialized.

The moral of the lesson: wait no more.

If you want to buy people food, buy it.  If people want to feed you food, eat it.

- for fear of missed opportunities as a result of the optimal divide: life and death.

Don't know how normal people would think-- this is how I think and that is a regret of my life and I will try to never let this kind of regret happen again.