Fireworks at Taipei 101: Happy New Year!

Got myself to join the crowds by the intersection of Zhongxiao East Road and Guanfu South Road and saw a closer view of the fireworks at Taipei 101 although I usually try to avoid crowds huge as such.



Just so happen, because I posted the uploaded click on facebook while giving people my new year's wish, my friend Marc performing in Taipei realized that I am actually in Taipei. 8-O lol

The haphazard nature of life- and my no-one-knows-where-the-heck-Ratprincess-is existence.  8-O lol

Happy New Year wherever you are!

P.S. Today, I walked down to see the fireworks and back semi-cane-less- going almost as functiona as my grandpa Canon PowerShot A570 IS- though no nothing topnotch... 8-O lol
(This is cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large)

The rite of passage

Took on another translation job and also in the history domain...

I think the task of translating is a really strenuous task and a great learning opportunity since you have to really understand the ideas in one language before representing it in a different language.

Back to the key point.... what I learned from translating these articles in the domain of history... 20-20 hindsight after and only after getting done with the rite of passage for development in all capacities- perhaps?

Peanut brittle

My friend came to visit and I tried to show him around town... At some point, I was trying to explain the dessert originated from the town where I was born...


I was trying with all my might to explain that one of the ingredient for the dessert was made of caramel and peanuts...  with that thing looking mighty like this...

The discussion might have got a bit loud between the two of us... and these two nice English speaking girls came over and said... "It has ice cream and peanut brittle inside."

To be more exact, it is a dessert sort of like a wrap with ice cream and shaved peanut brittle inside.

Back at home, as I was clicking away with my Bejewel blitz... I came to my mind... "Peanut brittle?"

Might have heard of this term but it has never been in my dictionary. lol

Gotta thank the nice girls from introduce this word into my dictionary.

Next time when I give people a tour in Taiwan and see the same dessert, I will be able to explain to them, "That dessert is sort of like a wrap with ice cream, celantro and shaved peanut brittle inside."

How did I get there?

My life so far is strange...  above and beyond all things strange about me myselves...

Was thinking about how I get to many places that I got to...

In addition to getting to the petroglyph.. en route of  da Volcano in the distance and the discovery of da tourist information both later on down the hill.

Then I thought of how I got to have my internship at 市療.  My grades weren't impressive enough and I was only on the waiting list.  However, I was leaving for Vancouver and I didn't want to rush too much- not to mention that it was my first choice.  So I went and pleaded and somehow I got to have my internship at 市療.

Not to mention my being the first exchange students from my college to UBC... I don't know how on earth I got selected but I surely am happy that I was selected....

And, that's Goethe institute... I heard of it so many a time but it seemed to be beyond my budget.  Just so happen, I applied and I got the stipend to go study German in Regensburg....

Also like- as I was mindlessly clicking away on Bejeweled Blitz, pondering about the above notion and thinking to myself-- so ist das leben... good and bad luck- all balance out.  Just so happened, the score hit the 108K and more and hit the 100K benchmark.

How did I get there?

Have you ever pondered-- the how-did-I-get-there phenomena? 8-O

Nobody's gonna buy

Had a smoke as I arrived at the turning point of my daily walk...

These two young kids walked by and said something like, "Nobody's gonna buy."

Nobody's gonna buy the book?

A notion valid in both the reality and my delusional reality.

Immediately I thought of the commercial Jeremy Lin did for Volvo...


So the commercial ended with this statement in Chinese, "我是林書豪。我超越的是我自己。" (I am Jeremy Lin.  I surpass myself.)

So I thought and think... I am Ratprincess... I surpass myselves and beat my own record...

Also... less than 10 copies sold for my first book... da dissertation... A theory-based usability study- and never cited, I think.... 8-X

Yet, think I have, so far, identified at least 10 friends to buy the DWM book, which yet has to find someone to publish.... Regardless, should be sufficient in surpassing my own record?  Surely much easier to be Ratprincess than Jeremy Lin. 8-O lol

Go Jeremy Lin!  Go! Go! Go!

What I learned from my first-time translation experiences

One thing important I learned from my first experience in translating an academic paper, after all the years, let along the writing style, I still have problems with simple grammatical issues such as:

1. the book described or describes, has/had described
2. the definite article "the": national history(-ies) or the national history(-ies)
3. plural/singular and un/countable nouns: mutual understanding or understandings), 
4. prepositions such as "on," "in," "of, and "for" at times.

For instance, "The book described/describes people's mutual understanding(s) of the national history(-ies).

What does it mean in the context of all the writings done in the reign of Ratology?

Mindless writing, especially in the form, surely has not much bearing in the improvement of writing skills and the understanding of the language usage. 8-X (Ouch.. this b from hell surely is harsh... 8-O lol)


Ratology Reloaded: First time experience- translation: In my much younger years, I used to proud myself for being bilingual- only to realize after I came back to Taiwan that- me ain't so good in...

The blog that no one reads...

At around noon, when I was plowing away with the translation task, I checked the blog stats...

Oops... over the rooftop kinda deviation from the norm.... so to speak... 189 hits in one day while the total pageviews was 911 last month.

So I thought, though I get no autobot on me to visit, I surely had quite a few visits from the bots- automatic as well.... 8-O lol

First time experience- translation

In my much younger years, I used to proud myself for being bilingual- only to realize after I came back to Taiwan that- me ain't so good in Chinese composition no more... or, to be more exact... I've never written an academic paper for publication purpose in Chinese in my entire life...

Recently, yours handicapped in the body and in the head ying-ying-mei-dai-zi grade of unemployed workaholic (such way to replace "I" or "Is" is surely dasein-ish... Love it! 8-O lol) took on a part time job to translate a paper on the topic of history.

I have done translations before but was never at the scale of 23000 Chinese words... with a whole lot of terminology-- so to speak- to me- unheard of.

In the process of living through my first time experience in the department of translation.

So far, what I figured after the over 13000 words translated....

The process of translation is like what I do when trying to clean up my room- a whole lot of moving things around.

Ratology Reloaded: First time experiences- Bought!

Refrigerator is finally here...

The gentlemen who brought it in really beam like a beaver and zoom like a Cadillac... Wow... Admiration.

I haven't even finished reading one paragraph on the computer... they already got the old refrigerator out. 8-O

Was gonna buy it myself since I have never bought no refrigirator in my life.  Yet, my sister wanted to chip in and I said... fine.  8-O lol



Ratology Reloaded: First time experiences- Bought!: The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decid...

Preface for Down with Meds- A revelation of Ratology

When I first wanted to work on a book on my health condition, depression was the label I had with panic disorder the side dish.  The older I grew, en route to the collection of an academic credit or two, and, one diploma or two, I collected as well a label or two, if not more. 

At the same time, in the beginning, I had wanted to work on a fictional story- through the story of a fictional figure my own story to tell.  Later, after I documented my life all the way into the psychiatric ward through the first person narration, I wanted to analyze the texts and turn it into a methodologically sound qualitative study.  At the end, I decided to simply let who I was speaking for herself- in good times, in bad times and everywhere in between- with the preferred bad English of my own- a combination of vernacular, faux Archaic English and more.

While I might not be able to dazzle you with brilliance, I intend not either to baffle you with bullshit.  All I want to present to you, I guess, is the rite of passage through the reflections in Dasein when la dirrita via era smarrita. 

No man is an island- not even a longer like me.  The compilation of this book would not have been possible without the love, help and support from all the fine people I have come across throughout the years.  This book is, thus, dedicated to, in Taiwan, New York and beyond, my families and friends as well as all the acquaintances, who have shown me the bright side of life whenever possible (in my realities shared or not shared with the external world)! 

At the same time, were not for blogger, Ratology might not have had itself to me revealed- a word of thanks to the service provider- albeit the fact that I might be, to them, on the servers, 1s and 0s. lol

Famous buildings in Taipei (as per East Metro Mall)

During the winter time last year, to hide away from the cold and rain, I took it down to the East Metro Mall ( 東區地下街) to do my daily walk. There I came across the long term exhibition for the selected 17 famous buildings in Taipei.

After many of a walk through them buildings- version miniature, I decided to walk them through at large.

Many a up-and-down of my health conditions after, I finally moved my butts through them all... and with my dear grandpa camera Canon A570IS, a camera almost as adama shorto as me, pictures taken and images captured.

Funny enough, some time after I started my walking them buildings at large, in the news, one day, I heard that mistakes in the labels were found in the exhibition that has been there for 10 years or more... and... eventually  they were corrected... (which, of course, made yours grandiose delusional thought it might have something to do with my diligent efforts in walking the walk- though such delusion was well-handled. 8-X)

Sure, were I who I was, these places could have been easily visited within 3-4 days- rather than extended for the duration of almost an year.  Yet, were I who I was, some of the path I traversed might not have occurred at all...  At the same time, the path I traversed... nothing but the consequences of walking the walk.

At the same time, some part of journey really resonated only too well with my beloved song de Whitesnake..


The the spirit of you can call me Al cuts it pretty well as well... (an youtube clip I inserted by mistake as  opposed to da "I don't know where I'm going...")


When walking da walk... "I don't know where I am going." (I just... go go go allez allez allez lol)
Right now... "I sure know where I've been."   (Hopefully)

Synchronously, my MBT sandal got totally worn out at the last spot... the presidential palace with the the sole totally out... Thank you, Mon chéri, for absorbing the pressure and helping me walk across continents and in all seasons... (Guess, I did leave traces on the path I have traversed... somehow.. 8-O 8-X lol)

If you are in Taiwan or will visit Taiwan, be sure to visit the following buildings and... beyond...

Bon voyage!

Historial building

1. 龍山寺 Longshan Temple, Taipei
2. 台北賓館 Taipei Guesthouse, Taipei
3. 台北故事舘Taipei Story House (Formerly known as 圓山別莊)
4. 台北當代藝術舘 Museum of Contemporary Art, Taipei
5. 北門 承恩門 North Gate
6. 台灣省立博物館 Taiwan Provincial Museum
7. 總統府 Presidential Palace (總統府 Presidential Palace Front view)
8. 淡水紅毛城 (Museum of Fort San Antonio)
9. 公賣局 Wine and tobacco monopoly bureau

Modern building

1. ATT 4 Fun (Formerly known as New York, New York 紐約紐約)
2. 台北101摩天大樓 Taipei World Financial Center
3. 威秀影城 Vieshow Cinemas (Formerly 華納威秀 Warner Village)
4. 台北世界貿易中心展覽大樓 Taipei World Trade Center
5. 新光摩天大樓 Shin Kong Life Tower
6. 大陸工程總部大樓 Continental Engineering Corporation Building
7. 富邦金融大樓 Fu-ban Financial building
8. 遠企中心 Far Eastern Plaza

(Cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large)

First time experiences- Bought!

The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decided to get a new one.


Went with my mom and sister shopping for the next refrigerator today... with my sister's expert skills in haggling, bought a refrigerator for the first time today!

So they say, in Taiwan, Panasonic and Hitachi are two of the most energy efficient brands.  In addition, the freezer is at the bottom to make it even more efficient.

Since, with another 500 NT dollar, we could get cashback rebate and additional gift.  I bought a USB flash drive for myself for the first time in my life as well!

Down the memory lane with down with meds, over a thousand US dollar kinda spending for an unemployed psychotic who's still broadcasting thoughts...  Makes me wonder... lord... am I swinging to the other side characterized with shopping spree? 8-O lol

Yet, having lived without a refrigerator for the past few days, I guess, refrigerator is as essential as broadband in the modern time... 8-X

Regardless, two first time experiences in one day- I bought a Flash Drive for the first time in my life- (though-- whispering--- was waiting to buy 128 GB instead- although I didn't see 128 GB in stock- good excuse for a cheapskate like me) - en route to buy a refrigerator for the first time in my life!

(This post is cross-posted in Ratology Reloaded Blog)

気持ち (きもち) kimoji

I grew up using this Japanese expression "kimoji"- sort of like gemütlich in German, good atmosphere in English and 氣氛 in Chinese.

Since I have been trying to learn the Japanese alphabets since around the time when I became telepathic again, based on the sound I have used gazzillion and a time in my life so far, I used hiragana to come up with the spelling for kimoji- きもじ.  Yet, I simply couldn't find in any of my googling result stating kimoji is like 氣氛 in Chinese.

So I thought of this Taiwanese friend of mine who seems to be really well-versed in Japanese and sent her this SOS message, "how do you write in Japanese "kimoji"?"

Following is the ensuing conversation:

• Expert, "気持ち (きもち)"
• Ratprincess, "thanks... so it is not ji but chi?"
• Expert, "ya"

Also (German)... 

So it is... 気持ち (きもち or kimochi) in Japanese is きもじ (kimoji) in Taiwanese Japanese!

Could have continued to be wrong in a million and a time more!  Except for, in Taiwanese Japanese, 気持ち would remain to sound like きもじ (kimoji)-- I guess.

Done with DWM- Ratology Reloaded yet another round

Finally got done with reloading Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology... yet another iteration with one of the main task this round... getting rid of words-- too many words.  8-X

Got the task restarted on September 20th and finally got this round of reloading done today... at around 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. according to the timestamp on the picture I took at Guang Hua Mall (光華商場).

For this iteration, I took it done at large as I was on the road.... or... when I took my breaks during my daily walk.  Though I might not have traveled thousands and a mile, I surely went through thousands and more words of a past I traversed back.

At the same time, since it ain't quite all that enticing to be an unemployed handicapped in the head and in the body with thoughts still broadcasting to the entire world plus the setback in my bodily condition in the last week of September followed by a combination of cold and allergy symptom that left me wearing a mask for 3-4 weeks long, I surely was not gonna entrap myself in suffering of any kind more and took it out and about at large.

Remaining to be accomplished, the last chapter and the first chapter thereafter... since it might take the coming out of the last chapter before I can get a better estimation about what Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology is about... though the true value might not be approachable.  I do have to digitize the corrections and edit work that I did with paper and pencil.

Yet, afterwards, I would have to find someone else to do the editing work regardless whether DWM might outsell the first book I published... my dissertation... which sold, I guess, around 10 copies or so.  8-O lol

And, after going through DWM so many times, one thing I know for sure now is... No longer could I say nobody ever really read the writings in my blogs since, oh, Lord, I myself along have gone through it God knows how many time and pondered gazillion and a time... "Man... Why so many words?" lol

Bad circulation in the head

Been knocked down by the cold for almost a week.  So I went to see my uncle the doctor who's been treating me since a kid.

He showed me a picture of my inner ear with blood vessels readily visible and explained to me that the reason why the vessels could be seen so clearly might have something to do with bad circulation.

The matter of the fact, I had always know that my blood circulation was no good since a kid with them cold feet.  Yet, the circulation department get even worst after the accident in 2007 and even worst in January 2011 after the body got broken again.

Yet, so say the experts... the pattern of the brain blood flow in schizophrenic patients are different than that of the normal.  For instance, as per RSNA press release: Blood Flows Differently Through the Brains of Schizophrenic Patients

"... compared to the healthy controls, the schizophrenic patients had extensive areas of hypoperfusion, or lower blood flow than normal in the frontal lobes and frontal cortex, anterior and medial cingulate gyri, and parietal lobes. These regions are associated with a number of higher cognitive functions including planning, decision making, judgment and impulse control.
Hyperperfusion, or increased blood flow, was observed in the cerebellum, brainstem and thalamus of the schizophrenic patients."

At the same time, existing research has also found abnormal brain blood flow pattern in patients with chronic pain.  For instance, in the article Brain perfusion abnormality in patients with chronic pain, the authors found:

"....decreased cerebral blood flow was observed in the dorsolateral prefrontal area (both sides, right dominant), medial (both sides), dorsal aspect of the anterior cingulate gyrus ociceptive cortex and lateral orbitofrontal cortex (right side).

So I thought.... good lord...

What might have contributed to the observation of my bad circulation in the head?  While, to be honest, how does it matter for me?  8-O lol

あたまコンクリート 阿他嗎konkurito

Yet another day あたま コンクリート (阿達媽konkuri).

In the middle of the night, I woke up wide awake and was sneezing up a storm. Couldn't get back to sleep and decided to take an additional 3-ish mg of Seroquel.

It knocked me down the entire day... in my mind I thought... 阿達媽 konkuri or adama konkuri or concrete head.

Not until just now did I realize... maybe my Taiwanese Japanese pronunciation of a concrete head has always been wrong?

It should actually be atama konkurito? Or, in Chinese writing, 阿他嗎 konkurito?

Unless, in Taiwan, it is just adama konkuri or 阿達媽 konkuri?



Ratology Reloaded: あたまコンクリート (阿達媽konkuri): Last night, when I was taking my medication, I happened to pick up one piece that was larger... The entire day today.... I feel...あたまコンクリ...

Six pointed Star- polyhedra origami from one sheet

Made one of the six pointed start last night as I attempted to live through one more day shutting the brain down- as per commend de my body since I have been working straight through and for more hours since the second setback in my bodily condition within a few days two weeks ago.

One thing I managed to do as I was doing my footsoaking while watch cartoons, I folded up a six-pointed star without referencing the official diagram of John Montroll- which I came across in the summer of 2007.

Although I wasn't able to recreate the exact same 6-pointed star designed by Mr. Montroll, what I managed to come up with does form the shape of a star with six points.... though messier version.

Decided to make one following Mr. Montroll's diagram to show you the differences.

Come to think about it... though the star I made without the diagram was not all that classy looking, at least, first time get a star form done without a diagram.  Not looking too close at it, does look like a nice 3-D star. Not perfect, good enough la! 8-O lol

The six-pointed star without the diagram

The messier 6-pointed star without the diagram.

The messier 6-pointed star without the diagram.

The six-pointed star based on the official diagram

Surely easier to make with the star more in shape with the diagram.

Surely easier to make with the star more in shape with the diagram.

Decided to see whether I could get the six-pointed star folded after trying it out referencing the official diagram... after the post.

Voila!  Ganze einfach!

After folding the star using them shining paper all these years, I tried it out with the ordinary kinda origami paper and came to the conclusion... The material of them shining origami paper suits better.

The passing of professor Yu

Just realized today that this professor of mine 余德慧 has passed.

Still remember vividly when he made this comment,  "偏見，偏見，沒有偏哪有見“ (bias (side view), bias (side view), how can you see the whole without viewing it sideways).

A class skipping undergrad auditing his Hermeneutics class.

A comment that, interestingly, has a profound meaning in my life given the nature of disordered thoughts.

Though he might not even recall this student.

Thank you and God bless.

Experience

Found some liking to this quote and thought I'd share it with ya!

"If the artist does not perfect a new vision in his process of doing, he acts mechanically and repeats some old model fixed like a blueprint in his mind." (John Dewey, Art as Experience, 1934)

Leader of the parade 陣頭

Just watched this movie 陣頭 (Leader of the parade )... A very "earthy" (鄉土) movie with Taiwanese expressions I have never used before and  陣頭- a folk culture indigenous to Taiwan.  Following is a parade I came across on Mother's day, 2012...


Back to the movie 陣頭 (Leader of the parade ), I find it very inspiring.  Apparently, it was based on a true story of 九天民俗技藝團.

What I find most impressive about this group is that many of the team members were once dropouts from school and might event be juvenile delinquents.  However, this group helped them to find a niche for themselves and start a new life.

Following are some clips I found about the movie 陣頭 or the performing group 九天民俗技藝團.



A clip someone took when the team members were practicing.


The group apparently just had a performance in Lincoln center on August 3, 2012.


A TV program made after the group took 三太子 to a marathon across the Sahara desert.

Telepathy

"Telepathy" itself is not a symptom, I guess, since maybe there really are people who are telepathic.  The world is large and nothing new under the sun.  However, "telepathy" in my case has always benchmark the opening of the gated doors to the cuckoo's nest.

In addition, when "telepathy" comes out, in place are symptoms already there.... It's an addition.

Some thoughts I drafted concerning telepathy back a couple days ago in my private blog to share with ya...

Why the emergence of da telepathy thing?  Well, cutting the dosage down to less than 10 mg of seroquel within 6-7 months from 300 mg for the purpose of being functional to perform work, which requires the usage of brain power.... that of course would do it since- duh, disordered thoughts are part of the thinking process! lol sigh

Need to continue using my head to do work with da "telepathy" thing while getting it under control on 100 mg only....  That is amazing grace!

MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2012

Telepathy etc

An interesting discussion occurred during my meeting with the shrink...

I told him about the telepathy and thought insertion thing...

He said, "Thought broadcasting and thought insertion."

Well, I figure that he understood what I was talking about...

Not quite sure how thought broadcasting is defined... thought it meant that thoughts in my mind are being broadcast to everyone.

What's the difference between my aka "telepathy" and thought broadcasting?

Sure, the symptom of being "telepathic" is simply a combination of thought broadcasting, self-reference thoughts, hallucination and psychotic symptoms otherwise not specified in thought and physical formats.

Yet, the sum of the parts seem to be qualitatively different from the parts themselves.

Granted, the addition of the thought broadcasting itself will add even more stress to a head already handling the commonplace psychotic symptoms.

But, in the "telepathic" state, all symptoms are united into one.... if not integrated (amazing grace that while I can't get to da integration thing after all these years, symptoms can get themselves to do the synchronous dance so very easily.  Sort of like... so speak my psychotic self... "What's all the fuss about integration?  I get your integration done in a breathe all the times except for you keep on trying to disintegrate me?  You don't even have to make any effort!" 8-O lol)

In this state, not only are one's thoughts broadcast to the world telepathically... Other's thoughts can broadcast automatically to one's mind... And, the back and forth of broadcasting here, broadcasting there, and broadcasting everywhere paves the unterwegs zur cuckoo's nest easily in no time- not to mention the noises contributed by oddly synchronous events here and there.... Like me thought of taking a trip to see the Pyramids this afternoon and saw one of the cartoon character going into a pyramid early this evening.

Also, da thought insertion... the feeling that something forced thoughts or visions into my head. Also institutionalizable grade kinda symptoms. Although, the phenomena of thought insertion actually precede telepathy.

It remained damn strange that... I was all the way up to 300 mg of Seroquel last year while I do not recall the occurrences of thought broadcasting and telepathy. Da 100 mg Seroquel, this round, has strangely kept them symptoms mostly under control- meaning- I can better getting the propensity towards such thoughts negated.

The occurrences of the symptoms and the dosage I can handle... tres buzzard...

Don't know, though, whether it is the same thing for the rest of the psychotic populations... the equivalence of insertion, thought broadcasting and telepathy as well as unterwegs zur psychiatric ward.

Since I am unterwegs zur Seroquel, let me entertain yet another question-- oops... forgot...

Let me select one question randomly then... were they already there throughout the past few months except for I was too sleepy to get them entertained?

Nope. I don't think so... they grew exponentially this past month as I was becoming more and more awake in comparison to the months past.

At the same time, simply my mindless mumble jumble.

What is wrong with my cognition?

Someone came to the post about Impaired Metacognition: Part II and I got to revisit the following paragraphs:

Quote 1

"On the other hand, the so-to-speak breakdown in the self-controlling mechanism is manifested in one’s inability to make appropriate adjustment to one’s interpretation about events, provided one’s self-monitoring capacity remained intact.
In plain English, I might agree with the notion that there is some impairment in the controlling component of the metacognitive model when I can not change how I interpret my experiences despite of my awareness of the biases and irrationality in my frame of references.
However, is this really impairment in my metacognition?
I don’t really think so. But, of course, that is but my really tired and loco interpretation."

Quote 2

"At the same time, as I have elaborated in previous postings, just like Rome, delusions are not built in one day. At the micro-level, as time goes on, it is inevitable for the delusional to develop a propensity to attribute observations in a way that is deviated from the norm. As a result, provided with the same environmental cues, delusionals might gradually develop a pattern in attending and interpreting environmental inputs that is different from that of a normal person.
In other words, both the normal person and the delusional are capable of performing metacognitive tasks, namely, self-monitoring and self-controlling.
However, a context is required for one to exercise his or her metacognitive skills and the context contains both the environmental inputs and one’s past experiences. Given the same environmental inputs, provided adequate ability capability of performing metacognitive tasks for both the delusional and the normal person, I feel it should be one’s past experiences that result in differential experiences, rather than the impaired metacognition." 

From where I stand today I would say, I agree and disagree with these comments- though it is sort of difficult to agree or disagree since some part of the texts seem a bit ambiguous to me.

Starting from the second part of the quote, past experiences do not necessarily destine one to think in a particular fashion although learning does promote the strengthening of cognitive pathways, as per cognitive processing doctrine, and this is why old habits are hard to break- especially in the context of automaticity.  In the context of the discussion, what is missing is the component of the present.  For the normal, there is one set of reality and the limited numbers of hypotheses to entertain.  For the psychotics, there is more than one set of reality with them realities entangled.  As a result, there are far more hypotheses to be entertained while hypotheses beget more hypotheses- and this is why psychotic like me live a living trying to not get drown in the sea of hypotheses.  8-O lol sigh

The notion of da sea of hypotheses brings me back to the first quote...

Am I still in agreement with the comment that I don't have metacognitive impairments as per "Is this really impairment in my metacognition? I don’t really think so"?

I disagree despite of the word "really" in da quote.   Coming right out of, if not still coming out from, a state of institutionalizable grade of psychotic symptoms bench-marked by telepathy (i.e., the sum of thought broadcasting, thought insertion and I can read you mind), I can tell you for sure that there are huge problems in the "control" department.

This is not the "let go of control" or "illusion of control" kinda control I am speaking of... (or is it the same thing? 8-O)

It is the phenomenon of, given the equal strength of verbal and non-verbal stimuli in the background, you brain is biased to attend to and interpret the inaudible verbal stimuli despite of your attempt to focus on the non-verbal stimuli such as music in the background.  

That is an impaired department of "Control."

Regarding monitoring, well, though possible to achieve, the one major confounding variable would be simply- How do you tell what is real and what is real?  Sounds like a chicken and egg question here... 8-O lol

At the same time, it appears to me that when it gets really "positive" (amazing grace that I could outsource 100 mg of Seroquel and a whole lot of rest to save myself my the cuckoo's nest while still kick at large), a huge part of the department of control seems to go on a vacation, possibly went on to Mars with Curiosity- leaving only an understaffed division working with the exponential increase in "biased observations."  Sort of like.. I guess.. the scenario of the arrival of Fallen and them excessive number of Decepticons when Optimus Prime was "on leave" in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? 8-O lol 

(Oops... hope my symptoms don't get aggravated by my describing them as decepticons.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Just an updated thought.

Russia?

Still get quite puzzled by the number of hits through Russia nowadays.... though not so many hits to my blog anyways... 8-X lol

Alo, Russia?

(Courtesy of google translate... )

Кто вы?

Любой комментарий?

My walking fish? 8-O

Was thinking about this quote 

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

and this pix...

And I decided to look up some more pix of walking fishes... via google image with the simple keyword of walking fish...

When scrolling through them images, I saw a pix of my walking fish with the pix linked to a website unknown to me....

I was overjoyed... OMG... my fish is on a website!

My walking fish returned by google image search

The pix of my walking fish linked to article.wn.com

And I thought... how on earth did I recognize this fish? 

New tooth

Got the crown put in-- I just got a new tooth!

Been laughing like Arale Norimake (則巻アラレ, 丁小雨) or 則卷卡斯拉 (則巻ガジラ, 可美) in Dr. Slump with a missing tooth...

Missing tooth!  Missing tooth!

Finally, new tooth in.....

Guess... um............. ain't no nothing to brag about? 8-O lol

And, I surely have watched a whole lot of cartoons while doing my 英英美代子 kinda swinging these past few weeks.... 8-X lol

 

Visits

Though I entertain the sources of visits to Ratology Reloaded not all that much- since, with a proxy, you can identify yourself from arriving from any location on this planet- as long as you don't ask me to ponder why anyone would go through such hassle- just my default psychotic protocol.

This month

This week

Today

Past 2 hours (Now)

Interestingly, I am getting quite a bit of hits from Russia and Taiwan.... as well as... manchmal... China...

Don't know whether the pages were ever retrieved successfully on the client side in China? 

Not enough depth but run really fast

Trying to get a crown done for that tooth of mine that's been undergoing tooth canal.  Ended up, as per the dentist, the height of the tooth is at around 25 percentile with only 25 percent of teeth in the teeth population shorter than it.  Not enough depth.

At the same time, though the teeth not using the retainer were tighter than with the retainer right after I had my accident, nowadays, them teeth need da retainer noch ein mal.  Well, though das body of mine can run not, my teeth do run fast...

So I say... not enough depth for the teeth while my body surely is fat enough...  Can't run no more except for them teeth wouldn't stop running.

Surely all in the wrong places... though, still, some parts de moi have the depth and some parts run really fast... brava, brava, bravissima! lol

National treasure- The Declaration of Independence

The last time I saw someone with due enthusiasm with the declaration of independence was in the movie... National Treasure.



Today, when I was, with due diligence, doing one of my physical therapy routine, I heard this gentleman, also receiving his physical therapy then, reciting the declaration of independence in the doctor's office in Taipei.

Wow... that was the first time I heard anyone reciting the declaration of independence from his head... Really impressive!

The last time I came across something related to the declaration of independence was possible when I watched the movie.... the pursuit of happiness based on the story of Chris Gardner.



So I decided to take a look up the Declaration of independence drafted by Mr. Jefferson... and saw it for the first time... I think... though in digital format.

The front

The Back

Typhoon Saola 蘇拉

Typhoon Saola 蘇拉 just landed the second time, within 12 hours, in Taiwan... with its rain and wind... mucha damages done already...

God bless!

The Queen as the Bond Girl!

Heard my mom talking about the Queen escorted by 007 on the news.  Since I missed it on the news, I decided to look for it online... because it sounds sooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooolllll!

Finally, after quite a bit of trying out- as the diligent sports men and women are trying their best to break their own records and those of the world- I finally got to view the clip of the Queen escorted by 007 to the opening of Olympics 2012 from the source itself- BBC!



Good luck to all partaking in the Olympic games!  


Bon Chance and do your best!

Great grand aunt

Had a great feast at a wedding banquet... with the unmentioned to and from the restaurant on the metro described by one word... "Pain." The thing about so busy being in pain is that all cognitive capacity was dedicated to pain perception and there was not much room spared for my psychotic symptoms.   At points, when my head get a break from pain perception, I did find voices trying to sneak in though such occurrences was pretty infrequent.

Can't blame it on God this time since it was me who came up with the brilliant idea of trying to "jump" since I haven't been able to jump since 2007--- and that was not really even a jump. 8-X sigh

One thing interesting about this feast is that... at some point, I realized that many of my cousins are already grand parents.... that would make me the grand aunt to many.... Not to mention the aunt to many almost around my age.

As I was telling my father this finding, he told me that, among the part of the family that did not come today, he is already the great-great-grand uncle (太).

So I thought... yours forever 21 has been a great-grand aunt (祖) for some time... then?  OMG.... 

6/19/2012

Something I posted in my internal blog or my journal last night... realizing it is going to be 5 years since my broken chair accident.

That'd be it for my 5-year anniversary post.

Happy 6/19/2012, wherever you are!

Sincerely your crippling psychotic still at large on the road.

8-O 8-X lol

MONDAY, JUNE 18, 2012

6/19/2012

Almost forgotten, but, it happened.... 5 years ago... 6/19.

The time is off by a good 12 hours... between New York and Taipei.

Officially speaking, it would be a few hours after tomorrow this time that the seemingly nothing more than embarrassing accident occurred.

Yet, 5x365x24=43800+24=43824-- counting 1 leap year in between.

Even if I am off by 24 hours, the error rate of 0.000547645 is far less than the conventional .01 level... even smaller than .001.

Think I can handle it.

Regardless, about Where is 偏見?

After I made that posting, I thought... I am either absolutely insane or over-sedated.

Regardless, from June 19th of 2007, from 2005 or from even earlier on....

It's a long trip to Where is 偏見? though the distance is short.. with the only thing it took... time and the minor inconveniences in life here and there in between.

Good morning, 6/19/2012.

Though, one thing I didn't have to worry about da mals... them damn zanzaras!

Where is 偏見?

Yesterday I spoke of 偏見 in Ratology at Heal, today someone came to visit Why post memo?

Synchronicity.

Someone else reading.

The reason why.

All things spoken already... alternatives to entertain.

If someone really reading, that someone or someones really know what has come out of my mouth better than me since I know it must have occurred somewhere in time just don't know when... 偏見.

Anyone if not anyones really reading all my internal blogs?

Good luck to him, her, it or them since I have no idea what the heck is coming out of my mouth most of times (the 99.99% principle)... let along what they mean... till it's time for the solution to unfold. 8-X

All cultural

I decided to go to a museum which I thought is supposed to be close to  圓山別莊 though I forgot what the name of the museum was by the time I got to the metro station.


So I asked the lady working for the Metro where the museum of contemporary arts was and I got there with the direction of the kind lady and other people along the way... though I couldn't find  圓山別莊 near by.


Since, I landed in the museum of  contemporary art, I went for a whole afternoon's cultural tour with all due dedications.

I visited the Exhibition titled "Procedural Architecture—Resolution in the Age of Meta-Digital" (衍序建築展—數位時代的新維度), attended talks given by the experts in the field and also joined the guided tour  for the 10th Taishin Arts Award Exhibition (第十屆台新藝術獎入圍特展)... absolutely lifted my cultur-o-meter... regardless where I might have planned to go originally.

Only to realize after I got home- just now- an entire afternoon's excursion later- that... it was really the museum of contemporary arts that I intended to go visit.  8-O lol

(This is cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large blog)

Flooding in Taiwan

The rain in recent days all over Taiwan has caused a whole lot of damages... following is the playlist containing clips I found online...

Good luck to all and gratitude to all unknown heroes and rescuers!

Who says a book is needed?

Been busy coping with God knows what I am coping with... Seroquel dosage going from 300 mg in November till 12.5 mg today just to keep myself being "functional" at work.

One word to describe the whole trip, "Inhuman."

Between the last round of dosage change and last night, 2 weeks time only... going from 3/4 of 25 mg to 1/2 of 25 mg?

The way it goes... what's gonna happen in 1-2 months?  Out of my hand and I give it to the experts to handle it.

At a time when I don't have no idea any more about what the heck is going on with my body and mind (and when my family drives me up the wall), so I figure...

Who says a book is needed for me to properly introduce myself?

I am still kicking after all these years... and made a dime or two to feed myself.  That is good enough for me.

I am nothing, to begin with.  What can anything be taken from nothing?  Nothing to lose? 8-O lol

As a result, I think I am gonna go down the street and shouting at everyone... "I am schizoaffective!  I am schizophrenic!  I am schizo-something!  I am psychotic!  Or, I am crazy!"

Just be acting in accordance to how I am "supposed" to act above and beyond I am still psychotic, I guess?

That'd be interesting....

Read my mind

Just found this clip shared by a friend on fb...

Haven't I told you that they can read my mind a million and a time?  Apparently, the fifth might not work with the reading mind.... 8-O lol

ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/ 紅茶

They were talking about this story of "ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/ 紅茶“ in the office the other day... a story about breaking up.  Sort of.

When they first mentioned "ㄉㄢˋ 定紅茶“, I thought it was a new flavor of bubble tea kinda stuff--

蛋定 /dan ding/  紅茶- black tea solidi-zed with eggs... turning it sort of like Flan or egg pudding... an image I formed instantly in my head.  Yum.

Ended up, my mental model of  ㄉㄢˋ 定 is not their mental model of ㄉㄢˋ 定 .... or ㄉㄢˋ 定非ㄉㄢˋ 定 。 8-O lol

The ㄉㄢˋ 定 they were speaking of is 淡定 /dan ding/ - not my 蛋定 /dan ding/ .

Afterwards, the phrase 淡定 /dan ding/  popped up left and right wherever I went... So I decided to google up some good definition 

What is 淡定?  Essentially, it means calm and collected... so calm that even the sky collapsed right in front of you, you don't get affected.  Some said that it is a phrase used in China.


The well-visited clip people came up with to capture the essence of the ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/  紅茶story...



The well-visited clip people came up with to capture the essence of the ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/  紅茶story...



(To view the English subtitle, please view the clip on youtube directly.)

Would also like to share with you this impressive definition provided by someone with mucho expertise in Chinese literature.... very impressive....

淡定：冷靜，鎮定
《黃帝內經》稱之為：恬淡虛無。現代人稱之為：淡定。

淡 定二字，看似輕鬆，境界頗高。紅塵滾滾，物欲橫流、肉欲橫流，欲望一起，猶如惹惱了瘋狗，追得人屁滾尿流。人生在世，難逃三個字：名、利、情。為其生，為 其死，為其追求一輩子。修行或者修煉，最忌諱的就是執著。執著，就很難看淡，所以也就無法“淡”，更是不能“定”得下來。

淡定，是內在心態的修煉到一定程度所呈現出來的那種從容、優雅的感覺。
淡定，是一種心態，是生活的一種狀態。我們每個人都需要這種心態，在生活中才會處之泰然，寵辱不驚，不會太過興奮而忘乎所以，也不是太過悲傷而痛不欲生。

許地山《空山靈雨·銀翎底使命》：“惟有幾朵山花在我們眼前淡定地看那在溪澗裡逆行的魚兒喋著它們底殘瓣。”

歐陽山《苦鬥》五二：“最後一位大姑娘，看上去正在二十左右，也輕盈淡定地站了起來。”

淡定形容一種態度。遇事沉穩中又積極果斷，老練裡卻又重視有佳，勝不驕，敗不餒；

淡定形容一種勇氣。行事放鬆自如，從容冷靜，閑看庭前花落，輕搖羽扇城頭；

淡定形容一種原則。展示出對人對事不急不躁、不溫不火，親而有度、順而有持；

淡定形容一種風度。神鷹背上秋風過面、靜若處子，名利場中燈紅酒綠、過眼雲煙；

淡定形容一種修養。仁而無憂，仁而無懼，實事求是，心懷坦蕩，蘭心傲骨；

淡定形容一種能力。深思熟慮能揚長避短，內省自知可有進有退，待該出手時再出手；

淡定形容一種力量。氣定神寧，如巨岩阻浪，堅持不懈，如水滴石穿；

淡定形容一種效率。穩而避其亂，洞悉而練達，如庖丁演刀、如魯班弄斧；

淡定形容一種境界。蘭秀深林，不以無人而不芳，君子立德，不為窘困而改節；

淡定形容一種人生。人生如一副銳利的老花鏡，難得糊塗，難得清醒。

淡 定是形容詞，不是動詞，不是一個動作，不是一種方法。所以淡定不能直接解決你肚子餓的問題，不能直接阻止環境污染，不能……。但是，淡定能輔助和提升一種 方法，讓你在解決肚子餓的問題時、解決環境污染的問題時，解決任何問題時，提供給你一個正確的態度，和超人的勇氣、過人的力量…….，幫助你更好的解決問 題。因此，淡定，是我們做任何事前必不可少的心理準備。
Source: http://tw.knowledge.yahoo.com/question/question?qid=1610120208969

Control?

As of this past Monday, the dosage of Seroquel is back down to below 25 mg Seroquel or around 7/8 of 25... yet again... from 300 mg in a about 5 months ago.

Don't know how it is with the other... personally... it is been like playing with Russian roulette...every 2-3 weeks especially in recent times.

It is not like I wanted the dosage to be reduced that I went and get the dosage reduced.

It's just that... every 2-3 weeks I would get over-sedated and experience all the familiar symptoms of drug overdose.  And, it makes it hard to be functional in the world outside of the psychiatric ward.


Sure, for years, I yearned for reduction in dosage... and I actually went on 1/6 or 1/8 of 25 mg.  Yet, today, I beg the reduction to stop because I simply could not handle the Seroquel withdrawal resulting from the never-ending dosage reduction.  Yet, it kept on coming and I doubt whether any of the experts could offer me a sound explanation....

It has become like a deja vu... "Here I go again?"

So, I did live through this past week.

Monday... sleep working the whole day leading me to cut the dosage down by 1/8 (and, yes, 1/8 only).

Tuesday morning... what a lovely day... it felt as I had been sleeping all these times and, finally, I was awake for a change.   Only to realize that the withdrawal does not kick in until later.... Yawning, sneezing, tearing, sleepy, tension headache, itchy...  till the time for the meds.

Wednesday and Thursday... continuation of the regular withdrawal symptoms and the realization that... I have been having the runs... Also, invulnerable body twitch and shake... reminding me of the time when I was on Risperdal.

So I was... twitching and shaking when trying to get a bit more literature reviewed.... good thing my desk is all the way in the back of the room...  Ain't my issue if other people observed it since what else could I do about it?

The pains were exceptionally unbearable on Wednesday...  I thought that the pain was still manageable and did not want to take my Aleve.  Yet, the shakes and bumps and the whole 9 yards on my bus trip home (the unmentioned) proved me wrong... The raining and chilly weather didn't help either. 

The matter of the fact is that... it is not only the pain... it is also the discomfort associated with the entire body bloating to a critical point of explosion.

Why resurrection of pain?  C'mon... any cosmopolitan mental knows it... the disturbance to the neurochemical system that is.

Finally, it was Friday...  I felt better, more alert, less discomfort, and, move better despite of the annoying shooting and throbbing pain here and there although towards the end of the work day, I noticed the energy level was going a bit overboard.... swinging towards to side of racing thought and mania... surprise.

Then, it was about 5:00 when I came chatted with this nice lady- a passersby.  In our conversation, we spoke of her knee problems and some of my minor inconveniences in life.

At some point, the nice lady offered a suggestion, "You should try to relax because the body heals itself."

I am in 100% agreement with her.  A body in distress can not heal.

Somewhere further along the conversation, so she inquired- something like, "Are you in pain?"

"You don't want to perceive it."  So I replied.

"Where are you in pain?"

Reluctantly, I scanned through my body-- from neck down... "From neck down but you try not to feel it."

Gotta be an answer too buzzard for her... "What do you mean?"

Words came out of my mouth without deliberations, "Cognitive control."

After I bid farewell to the lady, the words "cognitive control" stuck to my mind...

Cognitive control?  A notion so very paradoxical in the context of someone with no control at all over the body and the mind and everything else.

And, I thought of the act of my peeping into the world of pains in the reign of my body and them observations of pain.  Out of sight, out of mind.  If can be out of mind, why inviting it into plain sight?

Perhaps, while all controls were taken away, something was spared to this cognitively deviate with a broken piece of body--  cognitive control- nonsensical and paradoxical.

Then, a question...

I can get the relationship between the head symptoms and the dosage adjustment.  But, that body?


I have a naive theory dauerber...

In times of adjustment as such, I can only imagine how the neurochemicals were running around in the hallway not quite sure what was going on.... in a state of chaos.. with my two governments, body and mind, having no inkling what was going on other than outsourcing this thing called time--- for a recognizable path to unfold.  In a state of ain't no body and no mind having no control...  no control was spared to me-- resulting in my exposing nakedly under the reality of the body and mind.

Ya.  There surely is something true in the saying that the longest distances between two places is time.

Regardless, just when I have announced my retirement after reloading for all these years beyond down with meds, reloading themselves-- curious scenarios of meds down with me not (however I beg them to stay).

What can you do?  Since you are still kicking, keep on kicking, crawling, rolling and moving along in the least classical fashion imaginable... I guess-- though en route-- I run my mouth on God or equivalent  constructs a like for the defectory piece of crap kinda intelligent design out of its hand. (OMG... Did I just sin again? lol sigh)

And, why don't I call sick?  Well, the way it goes with my constitutions, the probability of my sick days might beat da conventional .05 level.  lol sigh

At the same time, does the impending reloading of dosage adjustment around corner concern me based on my recent history?  Yes.   But, dig myself further out first.  Unsinn.

Most importantly, am I still psychotic?  Everything I type, say, and do are watched and recorded as evident by the look, the things they say and the sense they give me anytime, anywhere and from anyone.  Let me break the news to you... that is positive-- positively psychotic.

New experience: Wedding

Something new I experienced for the first time in my life... I got a red invitation, gave a red envelop and sat in a wedding banquet in Taiwan.  Cool...

Then, I saw this cousin of mine... about same age and also single like a bird.

Somewhere around our conversation, I told him that it is my dream to run a 黑糖珍珠 shop if possible since they seem to be making a whole lot of money and I don't even need to worry about the tea thing with bubble tea because the ingredients of  黑糖珍珠 are bubbles cooked with brown sugar and milk.  (Something new I tried out and I love it!)

I talked about the wedding I went to with due excitements...


He was surprised... "You've got friends who get married now?"

"Someone from work."  So I replied.

"Because most people our age are either married or not intending to get married."

After I said maybe I should find a man to get marry to because I haven't done the getting married thing, so replied my cous, "You might want to find someone who can carry the bubbles for you instead."


"A robot might be?  They say robots are good at doing many things nowadays?!"  So I added.  (In my mind, R2-D2 carries the pot with perfect brown-sugar pearls from the stove, through whatever path it has to travel, deliver it to the shop and lifting the pot up and down as I request.  Though... I might have to learn to cook them pearls first.  lol)

Regardless, my cousin surely had it thought through far better than me- partially due to the fact that I never know how it is anyone else's business whether I get married or my all these years.  8-O lol

For people who are married and who are getting married, good luck to their marriage and may them be happily ever after.

For me, might be more real figuring out where to find the robot to help me carrying weights if one day I can run a  黑糖珍珠 shop that makes me mucha dinaro.... sweet... 8-O lol

What kept me relatively "sane"

Someone came to visit Quote about grounded theory today.

So I thought... what kept me relatively "sane" as opposed to absolutely even more insane these past few years... 

The concepts of Mental model, qi and grounded theory research-- especially da forcing and emerging ding.

A theory I intent not to elaborate cuz... don't feel like to. lol

Of course, I think... doesn't mean it is... especially when what I think is often not what it is. 8-O lol 8-X

Though... after all the years of swinging around-- a posting shorter than da Mental model

What you do

It's not what you know, it's what you do with what you know or not.

(Just saw this post and went... Oh.. Shit... thought I post it in my private blog.  Speaking of memory leak... 8-O)

OMG- DWM all done

OMG- yet again...

DWM all done... at least the complete draft.

Ended up, I didn't have too much comments on DWM after the accident... now I have a huge amount of blurbs... 400 something pages though... you know my style changes all the time... including sometimes 2, 3 words accounts for a sentence.

What next?

Get back yet again- yet another iteration. 8-O lol

Sometimes I think-- if God exists, God made me choose the title ratology reloaded for a reason... I surely have been reloading the texts of Ratology for many an iteration.

And, ain't like I want to entertain it too much... my voices were right... so I was told-- something like, "Finish Paper One first and DWM shall follow."

Think my voices are psychic.  Not me.  8-O lol

And this surely a a process far worst off than constipation.  8-X

Soon I shall need help trying to figure out what to do about it. 8-O 8-X lol

To the victims and sufferer of the 311 havoc in Japan

On the one-year anniversary, to the victims and sufferer of the 311 havoc in Japan .
 

OMG-- Done with DWM before the accident- insertion iteration

OMG-- I am done with DWM before the accident- insertion iteration.

Thought the day would never come. 8-O

Think it might have really helped for me to put it down while putting all force into my Paper One... the paper I am preparing for normal people kinda' publication at work-- as per order de my head.  Finally get the complete and publishable version up on Friday.  Even give it a name?  Only in Ratology. 8-O 8-X lol

Guess... I was so enmeshed and sick and tire of looking at Paper One that I come back to DWM with a glee... 8-O lol

Next step... DWM after the accident- insertion iteration.

The song at 1:18:45