Lazy and/or invisibly disabled

It is very funny that, last night, as I was going to bed, I posted this simple sentence in my private blog...

"One thing I could tell myself is... Thoughts have gone dry...."

It seems as if there was just nothing more worthwhile for me to speak of in Ratology anymore....

Then, today, as I came out from some of my everyday experiences, I came to understand that it was not because there exists nothing more in this pitifully boring state of my life... Rather, I have not been able to reload them raw thoughts....

So after some drama that occurred at work, I came face-to-face with my disabled state of being and its consequences.

You see, before I became disabled, one day, I got in the mail this letter speaking about how people with disabilities are often being thoughts as lazy. It was a foreign concept and I must have thought then.... "How on earth did they get my address?"

Then, the concept of disability was operationalized. For the longest time, forget about the thought of achieving anything... deal, first, with learning to walk and see whether I could move past 30 steps or 40 steps before I have to stop for spasm to pass... And, up to less than an year from now, I was still not sure whether there would come one day when I could simply walk without spasm and, maybe, one day, without walking aids...

It has been about two years after I became disabled and, to date, I am still trying to recover. Yet, once every so often, situations occur and the notion resurrects--- disability is considered by an act of laziness...

There are many things I have become unable to do. For instance, since the gym is no longer an option for me... this leaves walking and my swinging the only exercise I have been spared and I could afford.

I also remain to have difficulties with lifting weights.... What I have learned so far through life's lesson is... if I do too much of moving things around, the pains resurges and the inability to walk comes back for the body to take its toll.

Today, again, I came face-to-face with the everyday scenarios surrounding the issue of moving and lifting weights.

It, finally, came to my realization that my lost ability to lift weights could actually be perceived as an act of laziness simply because "you look so good".... How could you be disabled? Why does anyone else have to be the one to be doing lifting while all you do is mingling around with some accessories such as cables? In other words, you are either lazy or malignant and I don't believe you could be disabled.

Of course, no one ever put things out the way I have spitted it out as above. In other words, these are things coming out of my mouth-- a representation of my worldview and mental model.
One thing I thought nobody could understand, I might have never spoken of, and, possibly, I have never realized is that...

Disability is not a past state of being. My inability to perform the tasks I used to be able to perform did not go away with the disappearance of the cane or walker as the walking aids.

Rather, the cane is gone but the disabilities remain.

Rather, disability is a way of life.

Life is never the way it was and I have no idea how close to the way it was it could get.

Although I would like to keep staring at the full part of the glass, I finally am at a point when I have to face the empty part of the glass--- staring into the void filled with them activities I can no longer engage in and I can no longer perform.

So I thought I knew what it meant to be disabled. And, of course, again, I am slapped in the face by my own absolute ignorance.

Then, as I pondered about why I look good to everyone, including myself, but can't do them things I used to be able to perform, and, I wondered whether it is simply laziness or I am really disabled (which is something I am still having trouble accepting, I guess...)

It was not until then did I perform a search online and come across some writings about people who are not only disabled but also "invisibly disabled."

And, I came across quotes such as the following:

From: But They LOOK So Good!

1. While the person with the illness/pain is mourning their loss of ability and freedom, others often accuse them of just being lazy or malingering.
2. Frankly, it is impossible for us to be compassionate, until we have acknowledged there is a situation for which to be compassionate!
3. I do not believe you are sick, because you don’t look sick?
4. Ironically, those with chronic conditions would like nothing more than to gain complete control of their lives and not have to adjust to any limitations at all! Nonetheless, their bodies do not always cooperate with their desires, no matter how much they want it to.

From: Invisible disability

1. Invisible Disabilities are disabilities that are not immediately apparent.
2. Those with joint problems or chronic pain may not use mobility aids on good days, or at all.
3. About 10% of Americans have a medical condition which could be considered an invisible disability.

And, it was then did I realize that....
However lazy people might consciously or unconsciously think I am....
Some people might think I am lazy simply because they do not believe with their eyes that I could have any physical constraints....
In addition, I could come to think that some people might see me nothing more than being lazy because they don't believe I am disabled in any capacity...
Whatever it is, ignorant as I am, I finally come to learn that there is a term for it....
"Invisibly disabled."
Apparently, I am not alone and it is just normal.
In any case, whether I am purely lazy or not, anyone is welcome to judge and, for me, I will let it God to run its credit check...
And, if you ask me that, if God exists and does do his credit check on our every move, why on earth would I be in a state of invisibly disabled--- like the remaining 10% or so of my American cohorts?
For me, the answer is simple. Other than the possibility that I am simply a bad person and that's why I have to be punished for God knows what I have done in my life so far...
Chances are, without living through them experiences unnecessary to them normal people, I wouldn't have understood what it means to be totally disabled and the process it take to come to face my existence as an invisibly disabled. I also wouldn't have come up with this question--- would there come a day when I can be declassified as an invisibly disabled?
Where else could I find life-long and tuition-free immersion education based on constructivist principles as such that eventially grants me, the above, useless thoughts (even though I have no idea why I shall come up through my life's experiences them meaningless thoughts)? 8-O lol
As for anyone else... you are entitled to make whatever interpretation you want to make as long as you remember the interpretations are yours. 8-O lol