Honesty

Today I have been somehow overcame with thoughts.

Some many thoughts that I have to start wondering whether I am becoming more on the manic side or not as opposed to be depressed.

Then, after my last posting and as I was walking back home, this word came up to my mind... chances are, it might have something to do with them thoughts I have been pondering about the multiple manifestation of Scheiße or Kaka....

That word being either liar or lies.... I don't quite remember now and it doesn't really matter anyway....

Following my propensity for tangential thinking....

What it be like when all that I have thought of, done, and said are nothing more than lies to myself all these years--- with them lies so very well packaged that I actually could fool myself to believe in them....

And, what would it take for me to be true to myself? Like what my doctor in Taiwan had me told before....

"Don't lie to yourself because your 元神 knows whether you are being honest or not and it will not be happy if you are not Honest to yourself."

This brings me back to this question that I tried to answer many a day last summer when I was pondering day and night how I might have been not honest and how I might be telling myself lies...

Then, somewhere along the time, I felt this part of me revealing this thought...

Be honest, it hurts thinking about I have to leave if nothing else comes up.

Is this simply because I have fear for change?

Or, what it be like if it is simply because-- I love staying here in New York?

What is the truth and how do I know?

Essentially, instead of doing more useful thing such as looking for a job, I spent the entire day coming up with useless thoughts involving processes such as typing, deleting, copying and pasting) is while wherever my head has been seems to be very irrelevant to what I could do to handle the minor issues in my life....

What is the truth and how do I know?

And, if you want to drive yourself crazy over some esoteric thought... ponder how you might have been dishonest to yourself.... 8-O lol