Saturday, April 25, 2009

Scheiße or Kaka?- to speak or not to speak

Hardly would you hear me talking about other people--- in my much younger and more vulnerable years. 8-O lol

Strangely, through out the past few mouths, the propensity for me to just say what happens to be in my mind just kept on getting stronger and stronger. To the extent that I might consider myself as starting to develop some kinda OCD for I just can’t help that the hell simply comes out of my mouth in the format of verbal diarrhea…

The funny thing is that…. now that I have gone through both the phases of to tell and not to tell…. It gives me an interesting perspective about the MO of to tell and not to tell as well…. 8-O lol

To be honest, I no longer remember why I used to talk about the others not.

Could it have something to do with my being so 清高 in my younger years that I used to be able to speak of no one? If my not speaking of the others represents my being above it all, could my starting to talk about the others be the benchmark of my finally coming down to earth? 8-O lol

Or, perhaps, it might have something to do with my not feeling it as a good thing to talk about people. In addition, consciously or not, I might have the belief that people who talk about people worth less then those who do not.

In reflection, there is a high chance that my not talking about the others might simply an act to make me become more likes them “good” people.... No longer do I believe that I had kept my mouth shut simply because I was above it.... Rather, I, be it intentionally or unintentionally, was acting in a way that would make me be considered and judged as "good."

So, that was the time when this good friend of mine and I would get together. Out of boredom or whatever else, we would attempt to gossip about the others--- such as this other girl and her propensity to gossip about the others… 8-O lol Yet, other than that, our thoughts were dry and it was fairly difficult for us to generate gossips about anyone else…

For quite a long time, we thought we were the good people since we hardly talk anything about the others. Yet, at some point, it occurred to both of us that, perhaps, the main reasons we didn’t talk about the others much was that we simply didn't know too many people and we also didn’t know too much about them limited number of people who we knew. 8-O lol

The, in the past few months, something inside has been driving me to spit whatever is there out whichever enters my mind... This is a drastic difference from how I actually had been for the longest time, especially during the times when my paranoid delusions were worse or worst.

And, today, I found myself turning into someone I would never dream that I could become of….

Essentially--- I am now one of them really bad people who speaks of the others…. OMG…. 8-O lol

Although, it would be preferable for me to think that I am no longer that someone who dare not engage in the act of speaking about the others simply because such act is socially considered as bad and I do not wanting to be considered bad?

To date, I have been someone who spent the majority of my life trying to be good due to the mandates set by my delusions which states “See no evil, think no evil, and do no evil.”

I have also, somehow, turned into almost a compulsive speaker of all things that approach my mind, including observations, perceptions, observations, etc… while, of course, such new found propensity could simply be the manifestation of the over-compensation for the past….

Yes, I had been someone who keeps all things inside until it gets so jammed packed that I finally exploded, and, many a time. I have also been someone who has the slightest idea why on earth things just come out of my mouth the way they do.

And, if you ask me which type of MO is better….

My guess would be…

"Welche klingt besser? Scheiße or Kaka?"

For... it all eventually comes out anyway.... 8-O lol

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