Honesty

Why do I all of a sudden start to think back at those days….

Well, since I started to experience that swinging thing whenever I relax, I spoke with people about it and, sometimes, show them what happens…

The majority of people who know of 氣功 told me that--- it could be 自發功. My dad even went so far as to buy me two books including one titled 自發功 and the other about the principles of 氣功.

Whenever I asked my doctor, he would tell me to forget about all these 功 thing and focus on letting 氣 controlling the swinging… (not my thoughts).

I guess, after my mentioning others’ comments all these times and after I showed the doctor 自發功 book bought by my dad, he finally decided to tell me the official label of my swinging thing…

In one word… all these people got it right…自發功 it is…

He did a lot of preparation, though, before letting this label out and explained to me why he had wanted me to do what I have been doing without the labeling.

Essentially, 自發功 is something that comes from the moving of the 氣 inside. Since it is something coming from inside, the last thing we want is to have external factors influencing the movement of 氣 such as one’s own thought to intervene. By leaving me ignorant about the whole 自發功 label, such shall allow me to let the nature go through its course rather than forcing things to happen the way books said about how the nature’s course shall be since all people are different and the courses won’t be the same.

One of the point he repeatedly reminds me was that I have to be honest or 誠實 to myself so as to facilitate the healing process enabled by my 元神.

The funny thing is… it was either the day or the day after I took down the Ratology- Down with Meds blog when I, for the first time, heard about my 元神 being upset about my dishonest to myself.

That day, I got out from work… knowing I was fairly psychotic yet, at the same time, couldn’t quite figure out the discrepancy between my expected and actual level of cognitive capacity…

If you could recall… that was around the time when I felt that I was at the institutionalizable level, yet, the part of cognition that keeps me sort of highly functional seemed to be still fairly intact….

I think it was after I got home and sat down in my room, this voice came up… “元神歸位” or my 元神 is back to be with me—where it should have been the whole time.

Knowing vaguely what 元神 might be from my cultural background, I asked why 元神 had gone away…

The answer I got was that I was being dishonest.

Despite of my claim that I was alright being psychotic, I actually do not accept my psychotic or psychiatric self… There were actually other people who could accept my psychotic self much better and treated my psychotic self much better---- and that’s where my psychotic self went vacation to… 8-O lol (speaking of I am my own worst enemy… lol sigh)

Call it 瞑眩反應. If you want to… after that psychotic self of mine came back to me… within a day or two , my psychiatrist came to my door to take me to ER and, thereafter, yours Ratprincess went into Club Meds with a river view. lol

And, believe it or not, during that time, I had asked myself many a time---

“Is 元神 still with me?”

“How did I go wrong?”

As well as...

“How could I not go wrong?”

(Ok... crazy does crazy does...)

P.S. Yet, according to my doctor, since our 元神 is what has created us from a single cell, in theory, it would never leave you or abandon you.