Information Literacy

To answer my last question, "How do you cite that?"

The mechanical part of the answer is simple... following is the citation in APA format...

Ratprincess. (2009, May 31th). Reflection: My blog so far. http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2009/05/reflection-my-blog-so-far.html

However, one shall never forget to ask other questions like the following to ensure the validity of the information being cited...

1. Where is the source from or is it a proven source for valid information?
2. Who is the author?
3. How do you know whether there is any beef in the things being addressed?
4. Are there references to other respectable sources?

On a second thought, perhaps we shall not cite it since... God knows how many gazillion blogs are over the web, heaven knows what da Ratprincess is (not to mention that I am still having this identity crisis thing and I am not quite sure yet who I really am 8-O lol), and, in addition to them bad English used in the writing, there wasn't any references from respectable sources such as academic journals other than self-referencing to previous blog posting by the same author... 8-O lol oops...

Reflection: My blog so far...

When first encountering the quote about pain, I had thought... so spoke for many other experiences that we have in life... and, of course, including the unobservable symptoms of delusions and hallucinations......

It was years back when I started my first posting in my blog... partially with the attempt to describe what it is like to be psychotic... with unfortunately limited my words...

I had tried to start doing some writing even more years earlier... Yet, it never sticked... As a result, I had sort of wasted a good chance to document the process of becoming for my second full-blown psychotic episode... which I have referred to so many a time in my mumble-jumbles... 8-O lol

At the same time, there is never any real proof that anyone really reads this blog other than delusions associated with the belief that there are people reading... The given delusions have proven to be some excellent motivator to sustain my blogging journey... (speaking of the utilities of everyday things... 8-O lol)

All these years later, I find my words to be ever more limited in capturing the unspeakable dasein moments afforded by them, ever richer, phenomena...

As an "experimentalist," I try to be as objective as I could in my observations. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the condition, one major thing that has been proven to me is the difficulties involved in establishing a "baseline" for my analysis because the baseline, inevitably, shifts constantly as the delusional system evolves at its own leisure... In other words, although I might be able to identify the incidences when the symptoms occur, there is no telling how much farther or closer my delusional system is from that of mine as close as a day or two earlier or that of the normal...

In addition, there also has been a gradual shift in my view about the basis of the condition as well as how I should handle my condition.

It was about 5 years ago when I started blogging...

At that point, I was a fighter. I wanted to fight the disorders and I wanted to prove to the whole world that mental health conditions are simply disturbances in the functioning of them neurotransmitters and we mentals do not have to be like them mentals portraited in the media...

I cared not of any notion of psychoanalysis and I considered Freudian ideologies alike to nothing more than them normal people’s attempts to romanticize some simple screw-up mechanism.

So I found in Ratology, conscious or not, constantly at war with me, myselves and I… in retrospective.

Except for, in this war, the only fighter in the battle field has been--- me, myselves and I.

Except for, in this war, the only person I could not prove anything to was me, myselves and I- for, no evaluator, not even da consultant who has been outsourced to evaluate my self-sponsored green card application, could be as strict as I, myselves and I.

And, except for, without having gone through this war, I wouldn't have been able to see what I am learning to see today....

Funny enough, it took the process of rendering me into an disabled in both body and mind as well as a prolonged state of recovery for me to finally understand what I am starting to learn to grasp today…

The most important fight I have to go through so far has been nothing more than the ideologies I have ascribed to throughout all these years…

It doesn’t mean that there is no need for the world outside to have a better understand about the “truth and myth” associated with mental health conditions--- whatever the “truth and myth” might be…

It, of course, does not mean that people with mental health conditions should not fight for their ability to hold a job and making a living on their own…

It also doesn’t mean that people with mental health conditions should not fight for their own quality of life…

All these are essential…

Yet, at the end of the day, when I am sitting in my room like any other 800-pound gorilla should do, the most inflaming and heated war involves no one else other than myselves…

Would this me ever gonna be good enough for myselves?

What would it take for me to cease fire with myselves?

What it be like for me to simply be myselves… no less and no more… simply as that?

And, with them millions versions of theories concerning the etiology of all conditions I take part in.... since I am no researcher with the leisure of factoring out all things other than what they are trying to prove, I am starting to learn to entertain the applicability of all hypotheses associated with the conditions.... while, waiting for one day, when some really hard working experts in the fields could finally come up with some integrated theory to capture it all...

Yet, if you were to ask me, how long would such a worldview hold?

Similar answer I would give you shall you ask me to report to you how good any given day could be…

It is not until I wake up the next morning could I tell you how the overall day had been—the day before….

It, perhaps, would take the beginning of the next life before I could give you a complete assessment about a rat's life and what the rat had learned shall the rat have learned anything at all… though who gives a rat's ass anyway? 8-O lol

Of course, it is just me... a slow learner... 8-O lol sigh

And, I guess, there is something true to the notion them experts try to entertain... Intrinsic to da web 2.0 technology called blogging, there is some educational implications... and how are you gonna cite that? 8-O lol

At the same time, to be honest, I am not quite sure whether what I am doing here is really what they mean by reflection... Ya, still honestly having some problems trying to grap what it means to reflect 8-O oops...

Love

Had this conversation with this friend last night about someone else with the gift of psychosis...

Apparently, there was once upon a time, during their conversation, when this psychotic fellow of mine thought he was talking to Satan... and his misfortune was caused by God...

So I said, "It must have been Satan who told him that God was the culprit."

I think I have mentioned this story many a time...

Once upon a time, right before I went into the hospital due to my perceived "heart failure," I spent the entire night thinking that I was overcome by demonic forces, which were coming to kill me... many and many a time...

Funny enough, all forces came to help... them forces from Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso and all other sources..

They were Gods...

They were spirits...

They were ghosts...

They were devils...

They were zombies...

They were fictional figures...

They were heinous and poisonous beasts... such as the most poisonous spiders and scorpions...

Each of them contributed to a certain part of my healing from one attack after another...

When I was poisoned by the most potent poison, the most poisonous spider and scorpions from hell sacrificed themselves and came to my rescue by injecting me with their poison and absorbing them poisons from me...

So say the Chinese... 以毒攻毒… or use poison to fight poison…

When all measures failed to bring me back from death, I was turned an undead...

From there and with help, I became a zombie and possibly also a ghost... until, eventually, born again I was... a human... with help from all sources with all means... conventional or unconventional...

Yes, and, it was the day and night after when I lived through the apocalypse… where all structures dissolved and where there existed nothing more than chaos….

It was the same time when I was told that 想好事,做好人 or do good thing and be nice people is the only means of having the orders and structures in life be restored…

It was around this time when, walking up them hill in bitter cold, my hallucinations had me told… one step at a time…

Years gone by… memories remain vivid…

And, when rethinking the path I have traversed so far, I never cease to be marveled by this strange gift that I have been granted regardless the severity of the conditionｓ…

There is something that has been protecting me from the inside... or outside…

However strong the delusional system might be, I never, and knock on wood, my delusions never told me to do harm to anyone else…

In addition, I’ve never failed to see how people I know have unconditional love and care for me…

I have also never ceased to believe in their loving intention… (although I did scream out loud in the ER ward stating this specific guy was my husband due to the delusional belief that when apocalypse befall.. all will be gone include that love… And, in a tragic moment as such, there does not seem anything meaningful to let a love be silenced simply because it has not been pronounced. Speaking of react not… 8-O 8-X lol sigh)

So, today, as I was strolling down with these old friends and as I was thinking of all them loving people alike…

I thought to myself… how lucky I am, albeit my propensity for psychosis and neurosis, to feel so secure… so secure that even in the direst moments of madness and insanity, love still lights up in the bottom of my heart and carry me forward… one step at a time…

Good way Freud had it put… Lieben, Leben, Arbeiten… let love precedes all and all else will follow…

And, shall you ask me how such is possible?

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you why (in addition to not quite sure whether this really helped…)

The only thing I know is… thank, God, it is simply the way it is so far… (though no magical thinking intended)

Clinical experiences

So, I spent the later part of the afternoon trying to apply for a position at a psychiatric department...

When writing the cover letter, I stated the kind of bluh bluh bluh and bluh bluh bluh that I have done... and bluh bluh bluh...

At some point, I wanted to include a sentence to tell them how passionate I am about mental health issues....

There I got really stalled...

After all that I have said and done all these years....

I put in a word.... clinical experiences.... 8-O lol

Then, I thought...

And, just like what this friend of mine have it put...

I am so very studious (believe it or not) that I have to go into them myself to understand them phenomena... 8-O lol

Ya... clinical experiences...

And, of course, I did not put down them three times of institutionalization in my resume... clinical experiences.... 8-O lol oops 8-X

the government knows me

As I continue with my attempt to look for a job, I did a google search for my name and found myself listed under one of the US government websites...

One of da example of delusion of grandiosity... the US government knows me.... (although God knows what the government is... 8-O lol)

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/opre/ehs/ehs_resrch/reports/buildingvol_2/appf_expanded_ack.html

bicentennial man

For all his is worth of, all that this stubborn bicentennial machine wants is to be acknowledged as a man...

Still find it to be an amazing movie after having watching it so many a time... like the movie "Terms of endearment," this is another movie that could really let you shade a tear or two...

滄海一聲笑: English Translation

I found in the above clip the official English translation for the theme song 滄海一聲笑 for the movie The Swordsman or 笑傲江湖...

Unfortunately, some part of the original texts seemed to have been lost in traslations... for the Chinese and English versions don't seem quite match.... 8-O

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAsvmLNz4rY

滄海一聲笑　滔滔兩岸潮
The seas laugh, lashing on both coasts

浮沉隨浪只記今朝
Carried in the waves, we have only now


蒼天笑　紛紛世上潮
The heavens laugh, at the troubled world

誰負誰勝出天知曉
Who is to win and lose, Only they know


江山笑　煙雨遙
The mountains laugh, the (fog and ?) rain is afar

濤浪淘盡紅塵俗世知多少
When the waves grow old, the world still goes on


清風笑　竟惹寂寥
The wind sniggers, lost in quite solitude

豪情還賸了一襟晚照
Bygone camaradie bequeaths a tinge of melancholy


蒼生笑　不再寂寥
Sniggering at my wasted life, (no longer?) afloat in the sea of loneliness

豪情仍在痴痴笑笑　啦......
I only have my cynicism to redeem my sanity (?) La la la la la…

Comedy

Just heard today that my application for an I-20 extension was denied.... something I heard of before but never knew what it really entails... (OK.. Now I know what it feels to have it denied... I now have my empirical experience about it... God... Another useless experience unnecessary to the ordinary people... lol sigh)

So I went on with my daily walk.... and pondered at time what I have done in life that might be of some worth...

Then, I thought of the following clips that really captures, at this point, how I feel...





So spoke Woody Allen and so I thought of my fledgling life so far... comedy is tragedy in time...

Noting grilling, thrilling or any other -ing proceeding by words ending with rill... 8-O

And, I thought, again.... even if I were to be writing a little comedy-like script about my life so far, a comedy might it be not since it doesn't feel all that tragic at all... 8-O lol sigh

And, perhaps, my good friend is right again... the reason why I have them experiences unnecessary to ordinary people is because I can't help striving for what I want... 8-O lol

Shall there be anything true in it... so I thought on my way back home... decisions I have made and consequences I have faced... regrets have I not... Just thank God and all else for giving me the try....

And, shall I walk out of it breaking apart without falling into pieces this round... I shall be happy to say to myself... at lesat and at last, lesson learned...

Earnest

Just watched the 2002 version of The Importance of Being Earnest....

I got no idea why them ladies fancy the name Earnest... Yet, since that seems to be sort of fashionable, maybe I gotta find someone called Earnest, too, for ain't no nothing matter more than being earnest?! lol



http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=03C63A81C849E866

Rupert (as Algy): After you dear boy.
Colin (as Jack): Oh no after you.
Rupert: No, no, no, do go first Im not really good at the high bits. Im much better low
Colin: Oh well see...
Hm hm hm hmm
Rupert: 1 2. and!

Colin: The western wind is blowing fair
Across the dark Aegean Sea
Rupert: And at the secret marble stair
My Tyrian galley waits for thee

Together: Come down, the purple sail is spread
The watchman sleeps within the town
Oh leave thy lily flowerbed
Oh lady mine, come down

Chorus: Come down
Lady come down
Come down
Lady come down,
Oh Lady come down

She will not come I know her well
Of lover's vows she hath no care
And little good a man can tell
Of one so cruel and so fair

Colin: True love is but a womans toy
They never know their lover's pain
Rupert: And I who loved as loves a boy
Must love in vain
Together: Must love in vain

Come down
Lady come down
Come down
Lady come down

Colin: I think your high notes may have damaged our chances old boy. You do want them to come down dont you?
Rupert: well she is never gonna come down if you're singing like that. Youre completely out of tune
Colin: How dare you
Rupert: Ill take this bit
Colin: you leave this to me. You go lie down around
Rupert: no Ill take this bit
Colin: out of my way Im coming through
Rupert: go easy, my dear fellow
Colin: COME DOOOOOWWWNNN

Come down
Lady come down (Rupert: Jack (Colin), youre messing it more) __
Come down
Lady come down

Colin: That wasnt so bad, was it?

Vanity Fair

For decades now, I have always thought that I had read the novel "Vanity Fair" by William Makepeace Thackeray...

It was not until tonight, after I watched the film adaptation of the novel did I realised that... either it was some kind of false memory or I simply did not retain too much from the reading.... 8-O lol oops...



Aren't them memories so very funny? What you thought to have happened might not have taken place and vice versa.... 8-O

滄海一聲笑

滄海一聲笑 by 黃霑 from the movie 笑傲江湖....

What a classic and amazing dasein!



作曲：黃霑
填詞：黃霑

滄海一聲笑　滔滔兩岸潮
浮沉隨浪只記今朝

蒼天笑　紛紛世上潮
誰負誰勝出天知曉

江山笑　煙雨遙
濤浪淘盡紅塵俗世幾多嬌

清風笑　竟惹寂寥
豪情還賸了一襟晚照

蒼生笑　不再寂寥
豪情仍在痴痴笑笑　啦......

Thoughts

Last night, I spoke of how the dreams could be interpreted as having something to do with expressing myself...

The matter of the fact is that...

It has nothing so much about how I am communicating with the others...

Rather...

It has more to do with my internal thoughts... having to do with something like them symptoms of thought broadcasting and how people could access my thoughts...

In other words, what I need to learn is about them thoughts internal.... a process proceeds them thoughts external...

At the same time, since I am a very slow learner, as evident by the amount of time it takes for me to finish many of the classes, I went and got some peppermint oil for them esophageal spasm that comes and go at its own will... such as last night... a time when I had so much trouble swallowing the naproxen pill that I was starting to worry whether I would get choked on da pill... 8-O lol 8-X

(So they say... although there is no one single treatment that could cure esophageal spasm, for some people, a few drops of the peppermint oil in the water might help.... Personally, I would prefer to have it tested not.... Yet, shall I unfortunately have the chance to test it out... will let you know whether, for me, it works.... 8-O 8-X)

More about them two dreams

One thing was in my mind when I spoke of them two dreams I have back a few days ago... something about expressing myself...

The thing is that, the other day, when I was having a dinner with this girlfriend of mine, I told her about them experiences of having esophageal spasm ....

After listening to my narration, she provided me with this alternative perspective...

The throat is one of the Seven Chakras or energy centers...

What it be like if I was feeling choked in the throat because I felt I was unable to express myself and speak my beliefs, or, it is be a manifestation of my learning to express myself and speak my mind?

Speaking of the confusions of interpretations especially in the realm of dream interpretations.... 8-O lol

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

Just realised that this is a perfect so for my father and two uncles...



And, hope no one else, including my sisters, has to worry about how much I weight.... 8-O

Ivan Rabuzin

The magical artwork of Ivan Rabuzin...

Won't it be so nice shall real life be so very fairy-tale like?

Factoring out

Another insight I gained after last night's posting was that...

I have attributed the much of the experiences (e.g., dissociation, depression) to nicotine withdrawal so far...

What it be like if the plausible decreased level of dopamine, as a result of lowered nicotine level, might have contributed to da thing called getting overdosed on Seroquel again, given that the dosage of Seroquel is the only factor that is controlled for... through all these ups and downs?

Whether there is anything true in the given plausibility is another issue...

One thing I can't understand is... what takes it so long this time for me to think of it?

Could it be... I had a preconceived notion and the preconceived notion dominated my view despite the multiplex nature of the conditions?

Vitamin B

I wondered the other day whether Vitamin B could be an alternative Potion to rid me of depressive symptoms...

While taking my walk today, I downed two bottles of them Vitamin water loaded with Vitamin B... After I got home, I took an additional Vitamin B supplement...

Placebo effect or not, I seem to be feeling better especially when the effect of Seroquel is starting to fade as the night approaches...

Of course, we don't want me to get overdosed on Vitamin B either.... and, as long as I remember my pill, I would stick to pure water...

Dopamine and depression

After last night's posting about Nicotine, Serotonin and Dopamine, something is still not quite settling in me... sort of like, the rationale was built half-way...

Even with bullshitting, the arguments gotta be cogent enough...

Then, I came across the following postmortem study of them courageous lab rats, depressive or not...

Essentially, there were two groups of rats used in this study: the depressive rats and the normal rats. It seemed like the authors measured the binding of chemicals to DA transporters and dopamine receptors at different brain region. Based on their results, they concluded that, in rats, "DA depletion in rats can induce a reduction in the DA transporter and an upregulation of D2/D3 receptors, our data are consistent with the hypothesis that major depression is associated with a deficiency of mesolimbic DA."

And, of course, association is like correlations.... it is not necessarily causation.

Could it have anything to do with the depression I am trying to come out from?

God knows... I guess...

Pain

An interesting quotation I encounter in the opening chapter of the Handbook of Pain Assessment...

"Just as 'my pain' belongs in a unique way only to me, so I am utterly alone with it. I cannot share it. I have no doubt about the reality of the pain experience, but I cannot tell anybody what I experience. I surmise that others have 'their' pain, even though I cannot perceive what they mean when they tell me about them." (Illich, 1976 cited in D.C. Turk & R. Melzack, 2001)

So very true... I could only appropriate the pains others suffer by referencing to the experiences of my own.... There is no object measure such as a pain thermometer... and it is also difficult to equate our idiosyncratic scales...

At the same time, if only our beliefs about our experiences could be so very strong...

For... many a time, we go back to revisit this plausibility...

Is it simply in my head-- a manifestation of psychosomatisation?

Even so--- how would it matter and what does it inform us about how to to move forward?

(This is cross-posted in my Disability in Ratology blog)

Greedy

As I am trying to climb back on the wagon of smoking cessation, I am back to a state of using food as a means to deal with da oral fixation, which used to get fulfilled through the act of smoking.

So, before I got off work, I took a piece of cookies....

This friend of mine looked at me and commented...

"You must be very greedy."

Followed by something like...

"You eat so much."

I replied.

"I just want to eat." 8-O lol

This reminds me of this old scenario that took place when I was in high school.

I love spicy food and inhuman grade of spicy food.

One day, a group of us went to get some noodle soup...

I added hot chilly pepper and added even more....

Finally, this guy I hardly knew looked at me and said...

"You must be really greedy."

I stared at him and said, "What?"

"The hot chilly pepper is the most expensive spice and you added so much."

The confusion of interpretations.... and amazing how people could come up with these creative thinking--- almost competitive to my potential for tangential thinking.... 8-O lol

Maybe I am greedy... though, honest to God, I have no idea how the first thoughts coming to their minds would be the concept of greed....

For me, I simply see a pig that loves food especially when it is spicy.... 8-O lol

On a second thought, they are right... pigs eat.... 8-O lol