Love

Had this conversation with this friend last night about someone else with the gift of psychosis...

Apparently, there was once upon a time, during their conversation, when this psychotic fellow of mine thought he was talking to Satan... and his misfortune was caused by God...

So I said, "It must have been Satan who told him that God was the culprit."

I think I have mentioned this story many a time...

Once upon a time, right before I went into the hospital due to my perceived "heart failure," I spent the entire night thinking that I was overcome by demonic forces, which were coming to kill me... many and many a time...

Funny enough, all forces came to help... them forces from Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso and all other sources..

They were Gods...

They were spirits...

They were ghosts...

They were devils...

They were zombies...

They were fictional figures...

They were heinous and poisonous beasts... such as the most poisonous spiders and scorpions...

Each of them contributed to a certain part of my healing from one attack after another...

When I was poisoned by the most potent poison, the most poisonous spider and scorpions from hell sacrificed themselves and came to my rescue by injecting me with their poison and absorbing them poisons from me...

So say the Chinese... 以毒攻毒… or use poison to fight poison…

When all measures failed to bring me back from death, I was turned an undead...

From there and with help, I became a zombie and possibly also a ghost... until, eventually, born again I was... a human... with help from all sources with all means... conventional or unconventional...

Yes, and, it was the day and night after when I lived through the apocalypse… where all structures dissolved and where there existed nothing more than chaos….

It was the same time when I was told that 想好事,做好人 or do good thing and be nice people is the only means of having the orders and structures in life be restored…

It was around this time when, walking up them hill in bitter cold, my hallucinations had me told… one step at a time…

Years gone by… memories remain vivid…

And, when rethinking the path I have traversed so far, I never cease to be marveled by this strange gift that I have been granted regardless the severity of the conditionｓ…

There is something that has been protecting me from the inside... or outside…

However strong the delusional system might be, I never, and knock on wood, my delusions never told me to do harm to anyone else…

In addition, I’ve never failed to see how people I know have unconditional love and care for me…

I have also never ceased to believe in their loving intention… (although I did scream out loud in the ER ward stating this specific guy was my husband due to the delusional belief that when apocalypse befall.. all will be gone include that love… And, in a tragic moment as such, there does not seem anything meaningful to let a love be silenced simply because it has not been pronounced. Speaking of react not… 8-O 8-X lol sigh)

So, today, as I was strolling down with these old friends and as I was thinking of all them loving people alike…

I thought to myself… how lucky I am, albeit my propensity for psychosis and neurosis, to feel so secure… so secure that even in the direst moments of madness and insanity, love still lights up in the bottom of my heart and carry me forward… one step at a time…

Good way Freud had it put… Lieben, Leben, Arbeiten… let love precedes all and all else will follow…

And, shall you ask me how such is possible?

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you why (in addition to not quite sure whether this really helped…)

The only thing I know is… thank, God, it is simply the way it is so far… (though no magical thinking intended)