Reflection: My blog so far...

When first encountering the quote about pain, I had thought... so spoke for many other experiences that we have in life... and, of course, including the unobservable symptoms of delusions and hallucinations......

It was years back when I started my first posting in my blog... partially with the attempt to describe what it is like to be psychotic... with unfortunately limited my words...

I had tried to start doing some writing even more years earlier... Yet, it never sticked... As a result, I had sort of wasted a good chance to document the process of becoming for my second full-blown psychotic episode... which I have referred to so many a time in my mumble-jumbles... 8-O lol

At the same time, there is never any real proof that anyone really reads this blog other than delusions associated with the belief that there are people reading... The given delusions have proven to be some excellent motivator to sustain my blogging journey... (speaking of the utilities of everyday things... 8-O lol)

All these years later, I find my words to be ever more limited in capturing the unspeakable dasein moments afforded by them, ever richer, phenomena...

As an "experimentalist," I try to be as objective as I could in my observations. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the condition, one major thing that has been proven to me is the difficulties involved in establishing a "baseline" for my analysis because the baseline, inevitably, shifts constantly as the delusional system evolves at its own leisure... In other words, although I might be able to identify the incidences when the symptoms occur, there is no telling how much farther or closer my delusional system is from that of mine as close as a day or two earlier or that of the normal...

In addition, there also has been a gradual shift in my view about the basis of the condition as well as how I should handle my condition.

It was about 5 years ago when I started blogging...

At that point, I was a fighter. I wanted to fight the disorders and I wanted to prove to the whole world that mental health conditions are simply disturbances in the functioning of them neurotransmitters and we mentals do not have to be like them mentals portraited in the media...

I cared not of any notion of psychoanalysis and I considered Freudian ideologies alike to nothing more than them normal people’s attempts to romanticize some simple screw-up mechanism.

So I found in Ratology, conscious or not, constantly at war with me, myselves and I… in retrospective.

Except for, in this war, the only fighter in the battle field has been--- me, myselves and I.

Except for, in this war, the only person I could not prove anything to was me, myselves and I- for, no evaluator, not even da consultant who has been outsourced to evaluate my self-sponsored green card application, could be as strict as I, myselves and I.

And, except for, without having gone through this war, I wouldn't have been able to see what I am learning to see today....

Funny enough, it took the process of rendering me into an disabled in both body and mind as well as a prolonged state of recovery for me to finally understand what I am starting to learn to grasp today…

The most important fight I have to go through so far has been nothing more than the ideologies I have ascribed to throughout all these years…

It doesn’t mean that there is no need for the world outside to have a better understand about the “truth and myth” associated with mental health conditions--- whatever the “truth and myth” might be…

It, of course, does not mean that people with mental health conditions should not fight for their ability to hold a job and making a living on their own…

It also doesn’t mean that people with mental health conditions should not fight for their own quality of life…

All these are essential…

Yet, at the end of the day, when I am sitting in my room like any other 800-pound gorilla should do, the most inflaming and heated war involves no one else other than myselves…

Would this me ever gonna be good enough for myselves?

What would it take for me to cease fire with myselves?

What it be like for me to simply be myselves… no less and no more… simply as that?

And, with them millions versions of theories concerning the etiology of all conditions I take part in.... since I am no researcher with the leisure of factoring out all things other than what they are trying to prove, I am starting to learn to entertain the applicability of all hypotheses associated with the conditions.... while, waiting for one day, when some really hard working experts in the fields could finally come up with some integrated theory to capture it all...

Yet, if you were to ask me, how long would such a worldview hold?

Similar answer I would give you shall you ask me to report to you how good any given day could be…

It is not until I wake up the next morning could I tell you how the overall day had been—the day before….

It, perhaps, would take the beginning of the next life before I could give you a complete assessment about a rat's life and what the rat had learned shall the rat have learned anything at all… though who gives a rat's ass anyway? 8-O lol

Of course, it is just me... a slow learner... 8-O lol sigh

And, I guess, there is something true to the notion them experts try to entertain... Intrinsic to da web 2.0 technology called blogging, there is some educational implications... and how are you gonna cite that? 8-O lol

At the same time, to be honest, I am not quite sure whether what I am doing here is really what they mean by reflection... Ya, still honestly having some problems trying to grap what it means to reflect 8-O oops...