Food

After class this morning, I went down to the park to do of my exercises....

10 minutes or so after I started, I found the moments stalled... something told me that I had to make the remaining 20 minutes to go get myself something to eat before starting to work....

I guess, to the parts of my body and mind that I have no control over, food is more important than exercise.... 8-O lol

Food... food... food...

So many a time these past few weeks if not months has the word "food" be the pronouncing auditory hallucination that won't stop repeating itself until I finally put food in my mouth....

So many a time, I would have to tell that auditory hallucination that....

"Do me a favor... can you please stop repeating yourself like a broken record? I have gotten our food and I just need to get back to the office." 8-O lol

Does it work or not... can't quite recall.... will try though for next time to see whether it works... lol

Then, today, after I got home, I did some "cooking."

For the longest time and for all these years, when I cooked, what I do essentially is to use my hands to break veges into smaller pieces, sometimes adding noodles and a egg.... Ending the process by putting all ingredients together into a pot of water and let all boil together... 8-O lol

After I got back from Taiwan, it remained to be the one and only cooking technique until when my body and mind started to tell me that... time to be psychotic again.... or time for my mental health condition to start deteriorate again...

I guess, this time, my body and mind decided to let me go through the process on the outside.... other than giving me the instruction to up the dosage of Seroquel all the way up to 500 and 600 mg from 200 mg... my body and mind made a point of making me eating well on the outside...

So there has to be protein... so I would be told to eat meat if not fish...

So there has to be veges... a whole range of veges I have to eat in addition to collard green...

So there has to be Vitamin C... so there has to be something included from the fruit family...

So there has to be at least 2 meals for at times I might miss breakfast when in a hurry.

So I ate guided by the order given by my auditory hallucinations and delusions.... 8-O lol

In addition, like what I said to my psychiatrist one time, I tried to match my diet as close to the food they provide in the hospital as possible.... for the amount of food and drug I consumed seem to mark the primary differences between being in the outside and the inside.

So, tonight, I decided to make things more fancy...

I stirred fried my collard green and asparagus with smashed fresh garlic... and I even used a knigh to cut the garlic open and to deskin it....

Thereafter, I cooked a piece of Salmon and beef with Teriyaki source.

And... I ate.... ate with a extreme sense of pride.... although both the fish and meat are blackened or "burnt" because...

Ya... as of yesterday, I could simply put veges, fish and meet all together in the pan... if not putting all in the same pot...

Today marks the first time in my life to be cooking a meal that involves more than one step and using Teriyaki source for myself....

Today, I cooked them separately.....

Then, I thought... what a benchmark in my life it is...

Then, I thought... how wonderful me a Parsifal to be.... to be so very genuinely proud of something--- to the others, nicht.... 8-O lol

And, I thought... didn't seem to be so much more work... why did not take all these years for me to come to this stage? 8-O lol