Mental models

When my mental health condition was starting to go down south back a couple weeks ago, my shrink suggested me to keep track of the occurrences and severity of my psychotic symptoms, for instance, the auditory hallucinations, the delusions, and the bodily kinda hallucinations such as involuntary kinda movements.

At that point, I must have stared into his eyes and said something like...

"But it is just the chi moving...."

There goes the bodily kinda hallucinations out of the checklist....

Speaking of mental models.... 8-O lol

So I lived on for a couple more of weeks... doing that letting the body move itself kinda exercise whenever I could find time and taking my 600 mg Seroquel nightly like a good girl...

Recovery takes its toll in time and seldom did I screw myself up like before... (at least that is what I thought...)

Yet, I guess... sort of like familiarity builds contempt... comforts begets them doings wrong...

So I got to work yesterday morning....

Since I was the only person there and since I knew there were laptops to be set up for the afternoon class, I slowly started the process of setting them equipments.... which I haven't done for the longest time....

Did I ask for help?

Nope..

I thought I could do it... as long as I take it slow....

After all was set... I sat down monkied around for a bit before I went back to this project involving filing the Microsoft software programs...

The task was absolutely simple and straight forward....

Inputting the software info into the database and put the physical copies of them in order....

Shortly after I started, I somehow stepped on the surge protector and shut all equipments down.

"Idiot!"

So I must have cursed out while turning all things back on...

Not much longer again...

Damned... how did I step again on that surge protector again and screwed how I have had the computer set up again!

"Idiot!"

Again, so I must have, to myself, cursed out...

It was a long and tedious process... that has been going on since last week...

Filing them expensive old original Microsoft software all the way back in the 1990's.... 8-O

Then, I started finding myself getting more and more impatient....

I started murmuring to myself....

"This has to be the last set of old Microsoft to be found. If I see more Microsoft, I am gonna kill myself....."

Them old Microsoft Select in Burgundy, Blue, Orange.....

I saw no meaning to it.... no one is going to get them patches for Window 98...

I saw no purpose in it... what is the point of reorganizing them all to be put to shelf?

Gradually, the sense of discontent started to build up and build up and escalated like there was no tomorrow...

Until, finally, my coworker got in... and, to her, I exploded...

"How did you have not given me all the Microsoft that you found that are unfiled? Don't you know how hard it is for me to finally got them all done only to find.... bla bla bla bla bla bla... bla bla bla bla bla..."

She tried to speak... I put her to a stop...

She came back from inside of the office after a while... I was still all edgy with my mind set that she is all that to be blamed...

I found myself about to explode about working so hard on the greatest of nothingness of all....

It was then when I said...

"I gotta step out for a smoke..."

Finally I got to the outside and lit that cigarette of mine...

Only to find that...

The body was moving at a pattern far different than them leisure movements of smoking time...

So I stood under the sun, right by the sidewalk, letting the chi guiding the bodily movement..... while coming to a realization that....

How did I, again, miss them signals?

The past had me taught that, when I go over the capacity of my body, the circulation of chi started from getting disturbed in the body and eventually leads to the disturbance of flow in the head.... and this is the time when I get myself into conflicts for no good cause!

The past had me taught and I have generously let go of the lessons learned...

I stood there letting the body move itself some more.... and....

I saw clearer and clearer how I had mistakenly using my coworker as the target to vent the fiery chi rather than swinging them out of my body.....

I saw clearer and clearer how it had nothing really to do with them software programs, Microsoft or not....

It was simply... the chi built up and where it tends to get stuck got stuck... and to me... it is the whole back and the head.... 8-O lol sigh...

Then, I walked back to the office... in a hurry...

Before I even sat back down to my coworker, I apologized to my poor baby girl for my venting on her... absolutely uncallful... and we talked it over--- issue resolved...

It was not much later did I come to the realization that...

Now my head is clear...

Now the chi is starting flowing....

And, now the nerve pains are back....

And, now the whole back hurt.... the same way it hurt all those times before...

So I took an Alleve and it sent me walking in the cloud.... and it allowed me to stay till the end of the working day till I was able to finally make it back to the park to do them exercises of mine...

The trip between the office and the park was not too much of a pleasant one...

I went back to the way I was....

I had to come to a stop whenever the spasm hit and the pains aggravated... so I walked and stopped... revisiting the usual ritual....

Arriving at the park, I let the body do its own thing and let it reset my bodily condition at its own pace.....

Over an hour later, as I was getting out of the park, already was I feeling much better though da stopping routine remained needed....

So I thought to myself again....

Now I have the mental model about how it works...

Why is it so hard for me to catch myself so that the whole cycle doesn't recapitulate itself?

At the same time, I pondered... how might have the others interpreted what had happened based on their mental models? In their eyes, how did the stories unfold?