Happy Codes

I walked away from my happy code after completing Happy Sixth Round.

Just like that.

If I remember correctly, at that point, in the end of October, after Happy Sixth Round was out, it felt like I hit a wall.

The codes.  Wonderful.  Done and over with it.  A bunch of words and inferences I made about my own account.  C'st ca.

Then, I started working and I worked myself into the hospital.

I came out.

Weak.  Discomfort.  Out of a job again because my body cried out loud could not handle it.  Felt aches and pains all over the places from head to toe.  Still on a semi-liquid diet.  Feeling sick sleeping too much and feeling sick not resting enough.  In this state... irritability sky-rockets and the last thing you want to do when sick is to get upset because it adds to stress and makes your physical condition worsen.

And... money... oh... money...

And... pursuits... oh... pursuits...

And... health... oh... my crappy health...

And... some other I can't even remember kind of oh oh oh...

So I thought... such meaningless and painful existence, how can I bear it... Life is worthless living etc.

Especially when I still could not eat much food solid... no steak, no tempura, no shabu shabu, no crab, no calamari, not even stinky tofu or hot water... no nothing....

And... more oh oh oh...

At some point, ... OMG... I am so depressed and I was overwhelmed by the useless and even worse... food-less life.

All seemed so passive... nothing up... all seemed down...

It was as if life was just gonna go downwards from there and on.... into the abyss of pure nothingness...

I thought of my happy codes.

Think of someone worse off... well... sounds good... Yet, too much into the PHD state... pile high and deep to be caring about someone else's mishap.

Be grateful... useless blah blah blah... what is to be grateful about concerning this state.  All cognitive processes occupied by grey matters....

Then, I thought of food... all the food that I would love to eat and I physically can't eat at the moment.... the painful thought of it....

This voice came to me... I have to get better and live to eat thems good eat.  And, this voice got louder and louder with its effect getting stronger and stronger... overpowering the other thoughts...

Ya... all else I have no control over... I can see in the not so far future that I can come back to eat hot spicy food for a change.  Amen.

So... from then on... each every day, I tried to eat something a bit more solid than the day before while making sure I don't over-stress my kaput throat...

Today, I saw improvement because I was able to put down pastry with very thin crust, grounded pork, bubble tea and noodles spiced with cilantro as well....

Why baby steps?  I don't want to go directly into food so solid that would cut the lining of my throat and see blood out of my mouth because I had done that when I tried to eat some kiwi fruit back a couple days ago.

Been there... done that... and... could do without it....

Then, it occurred to me again...

The happy codes provides neither a cure nor a prescription to getting better.

What it does is to set forth some potential benchmarks... some benchmarks that you might be able to look forward to.

It set forth some basic components of a recovery process while it won't tell you how the process would unfold.

It is grounded in a process model and makes no inference to a stage theory.

Should the codes be embedded in a book... the best structure would be how Barthe had it structured.... Lover's discourse.... all listed in alphabetical order including the classifications

It still doesn't work for me to think about how somebody else's life is so much more miserable today...

One day, and, soon, I hope, me such to appreciate.

And... perhaps... there is a reason why... by the end of October... happy codes went into a stall?  Such as... seeing how it could be applied in a new context independent of the contexts where the codes originate?  (Though... to be honest, God, I am really done suffering and let it be it.  Please?! And, shall you ask me why I add the later part of this post.. I guess... simply trying to make use of something otherwise uselessly painful?  8-O lol)