Misconception: Hospitalization

Been pondering about this thought since I got discharged from my very last hospitalization.

Hospitalized again?

Well, Gott Sei Dank... don't know whether it is a blessing or not...

This round I was leveled down... landed on the sixth floor rather than the only floor I knew... the 8th floor... coinciding with the lowered latitude of etiology.... from the head to throat and the tonsil.

I am still working really hard trying to perfect my skill in cutting da 25-mg seroquel into quas.  My mental condition seems to be relatively stabilized on such low dosage.... though... when stress level is high, the head does have its propensity to be acting out more.

I have to say, though, I did observe an increase of mental symptoms such as hallucinations, delusional thinking, irritability etc when I am sick to the extent that I could barely swallow solid food.   The mental symptoms seem to be worsen even more when having a temperature.

Thank God,  I am always ready to up my meds and so far... I am still on the 6 mg Seroquel diet.

Anyways, hospitalization to me has been... you get admitted, you get a bed, you get to move around in the ward, they give you a lot of meds, you see the doctor once in a while- complaining about things like your symptoms and constipation, other staff members are nearby to assist you, you can choose to watch a lot of TV or go to the programs they set up for you, you get to eat a lot- 3 meals plus snacks, most importantly, if you are good, one of the staff members will unlock the gated door and take you outside for some fresh air.... be it by St. John the Divine or the secret garden by the George Washington bridge overlooking Hudson River and the Jersey shore (wow... doesn' it sound really poetic? 8-O lol 8-X).  At the same time, even if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can't get yourself out voluntarily.

I didn't even know the above constitutes the script or mental model I have developed about hospitalization until this hospitalization.  And, it was not until this time did I get to identify some of the mind bugs I have about the thing called hospitalization.... though... I really could do without having to identify them mind bugs since I can do without the thing called hospitalization... period. 8-O lol

Some of my understanding remains true such as the following:

1. you get admitted, 
2. you get a bed, 
3. you get to move around in the ward, 
4. they give you a lot of meds (I was on IV for 4 days with scheduled updates of antibiotics and anti-inflammatory stuffs above and beyond the pain killer)
5. you see the doctor once in a while- complaining about things like your symptoms and constipation, 
6. other staff members are nearby to assist you,
7. At the same time, even if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can't get yourself out voluntarily. 

The following, though, didn't seem to be true:

First misconception: "you can choose to watch a lot of TV or go to the programs they set up for you."  Wrong, TV wasn't on my floor and it was pure inconvenient to move around with the IV

Second misconception: "you get to eat a lot- 3 meals plus snacks."  Wrong. Forget about eating... I was on a liquid diet and the first 2-3 days, I could hardly swallow the pills.  Not to mention that even the swallowing of my own saliva was too cut throat an experience to bear.

Third and the most mind bugging or dasein-zerbrechen misconception: "if you are good, one of the staff members will unlock the gated door and take you outside for some fresh air."  

What?  I can walk myself out of the hospital and can even take a leave of up to 4 hours as per the regulation of the health insurance? 8-O (Of course, provided that you can move your behind far enough to reach the hospital door.)

This can't be? 8-O Almost as shocking as I found for the first time that the body could move itself... (qi kinda thing...)

From the first day on, however cut-throat my existence might be and however lack of energy I was to even move myself half a block, I was determined to bring myself out of the hospital... everyday.... even if it means I had to take a seat a few times within that half a block... and even if I had to get right back to bed-rest right after the mickey-mouse distance of stroll....

Yes, I could do without this hospitalization and any other hospitalization till when I am 90 something years old... still could move, eat good food, and live a happy and relatively healthy life.

Yet.  Looking at the upside of this round.. and this hospitalization specifically...

It was a paradigm shift... and it suddenly broadened the horizon of my life... sort of how the onset of my psychosis had once done to my life... 8-O lol sigh

It was as if... the door is finally open... you now have the choice to stay in and to take some time out if you can....

It is something people might find it difficult to comprehend... so what? You can walk out of the hospital door at your own will.

Yet, those who have lived it... might find it resonating... for... what a great leap to go from needing supervision to get out of the gate of the ward.... forget about the hospital door?!  8-O lol