The heart has its reason.... 8-O

Last night, after I went to bed, I experienced again them poundings of the heart, which is extremely annoying.

Surely, while there might be really change in the heartbeat rate, the lack of other stimuli present when trying to fall asleep might make it especially easy for me to have heightened sensitivity towards perceptions concerning my bodily function. In addition, due to the more frequent occurrences of such experiences, it is plausible for me to start behaving like Pavlov's dog to whom the ring of the bell could actually result in the increase of secretion of saliva... 8-O lol

Yet, tachycardia or rapid heart rate is one of the documented side effect of Seroquel and I have been experiencing them on and off through out the years... In addition, although rarely do I take Clonazepam, I have also experienced pounding heartbeat after taking this medication...

In other words, to be honest, there is no telling, you see, whether them pounding heartbeat at crazy rates is simply due to the side effect of the meds or the psychosomatization of heightened anxiety level.

One insight I gained as I was feeling them heartbeats pounding up a storm last night is that...

Whatever the causes might be, I gotta find a way to help myself engage in biofeedback kinda exercise....

Such as.... staring at a goose fixing its feather or another one dosing off under the summer heat by the pond... (wow, never occurred to me that geese could dose off, too... 8-O lol)



By the way, it was very funny when, at times, while me staring at the goose and the goose stared at me. Is it me staring at the goose or the goose staring at me? Pretty zen... isn't it? 8-O lol

And, I think, the goose must be thinking to itself... "What on earth is this strange thing doing staring at me?" lol

What the f have you done lately?

"What the f have you done lately?" was the sentence ending tonight's entertainment at Ratology.... the off-season movie "Wanted: Weapon of Fate."



One thing I would say is... definitely, this is not a movie suitable for my young nephews.

At the beginning, I thought it might have been a good alternative to view my recent encounter with the plausible panic or anxiety attacks.

At the end, as I ejected the DVD from the player... I thanked God for gracefully granting nothing more than them ordinary panics and anxieties. 8-O lol

I won't say more about the script so that I won't ruin your fun shall you have not watched this movie. Yet, I gotta say, though, this movie actually exceeded my expectations....

And, it does brings me to ponder this question...

"What the f have I done lately?"

The first problem I encounter is... how should "lately" be defined?

Measured by hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Or decades?

A tough question.

Then, there comes the second dilemma... What should be included if there is ever anything substantial to be included?

Did a bit of studies?

Got a few of them degrees?

Did a bit of working?

Got in and out of a few relationships?

Gone through a few of them depressive stages?

Experienced some phases of high anxiety with various range of duration and had a few of them episodes starting with the word panic?

Turned psychotic and live through some times with up and downs in symptom severity?

Turned disabled by them chronic pain and discounted degree of mobility?

Type out a few mumble-jumbles while I am not quite sure yet what them run-on sentences could mean...

The above should summarize what I might have done recently.... I guess... to a certain degree... appropriate for time measures of different length of duration... 8-O

Then, there comes to this third issue... How do I make the evaluations?

Given I have neither wealth nor fame, it makes it sort of a difficult task to identify them criteria for the evaluation phase because a bit more of them generative processes might be needed to explore alternative criteria that could be included... 8-O lol

Regardless, since my I-20 is expiring again in about two weeks and I am coming face to face again with the reality concerning the entire immigration thing, it does seem perfectly reasonable for me to be in a state higher in anxiety, decorated by sparkles of panics.... 8-O lol

So, the other day, as I was meeting with my doctor, I popped this question...

Them nights of pounding heart and breathing problems, what is the likelihood that those were moments of anxiety or panic attacks and what might be the preventative interventions?

Interestingly, both my doctor and I agreed that... since it is reasonable for me to be in a state higher on anxiety, given life's circumstances, there doesn't seem to be anything really I could do to prevent them annoying moments other than telling myself to not go even higher on anxiety level when sensing something like an attack might be in the process of formation....

Then, tonight, I saw the movie.

And, I thought....

Dear God, let my panicking be simply them dasein moments in panic... Let there be no higher reason and let there be no grander scheme... Thank you for letting it be it although I don't really need it. 8-O lol

Real

Replaying the first clip, it is really touching to hear she said, "When you are young, you don't know what is real, what is not real."

When do we eventually grow to be able to tell and what would it take?

Gia

Some clips I found yesterday....

To me, these clips seem to represent a story about a young girl's struggle to make sense... of life...

Meaning

I asked this question the other day again in addition to some other more times...

What is the meaning of life? Or, what is the meaning of my life?

You see, strip me of all things--- which I don't really have all that much anyway.... what would be left of me? And, why?

Then, during the conversation, this thought occurred to me...

Perhaps, the only reason why I can't shake this habit of asking this same question again and again is that....

I am a spoilt brat and got too much spare time at hand...

When people are busy fulfilling their duties to their families, they don't have the American time (a Taiwanese expression which means having too much spare time) to be worrying about the whole meaning or meaninglessness kinda young Wether's sorrow.... (this sounds like theta)

8-O oops....

Although, that doesn't really answer the question either.... (where is the estimation for alpha, beta and c 8-O lol)

To have it all

I happened to be watching this HBO film titled "Gia" earlier this morning....



It is really sad that...

Someone so young, beautiful and seemed to have it all shall end her life so soon....

Speaking of the choices that we have been granted in life.... how do we know which way it shall flow?

So ponder da old hen-- a professional lost soul in limbo.... 8-O

Integration

I used to be, and, perhaps still am, a gigantic integration freak...

For instance, with my dissertation, I was trying really hard to integrate all that I have learned through out all these years... psychology, methodology, statistics, technology, ratology 8-O etc... although nobody ever told me that a dissertation has to be a work to integrate my entire life so far... (and it was and is all in my head... 8-O lol)

To this date, I still believe that I had not reached a state of integration through the work I did with my dissertation.

In any case, after one of them recent nights of sleeplessness with the following experiences:

1. I was having physical symptoms with them dry mouth etc.
2. I was sensing elevated level of anxiety and so on which could be classified as anxiety or panic attacks.
3. Worst of all, one night, I actually had this feeling that them memories of scary delusional stories were lurking around and were about to come out to play. Again, although those are the memories of the past, the dasein moments remained to be dasein moments.

And, I came up with this interesting thought...

That seems to be some fairly integrated kind of experience....

So they say.... Body and Mind? 8-O lol

Neurosis vs psychosis: A comparision

You see, one thing I have to admit is that, for the longest time, I had this grandious belief that it is worse to be psychotic than to be neurotic alone. Yet, after my recent revisit to depressive and anxiety-related symptoms, I eventually come up with the conclusion that when it comes to how bad the conditions could make me feel-- both psychotic and neurotic kinda dasein moments could be really annoying and make me feel really bad... just in different format.

For instance, both the symptoms of psychosis and neurosis could make you feel like you were about to die and, honestly, at points, unfortunately, make you feel that death might be the only solution. Yet, fortunately, I have been able to remind myself time and again that I have worked too hard through out my life to survive and giving it up is not an option....

Take neurosis kinda condition such as anxiety attack or panic attack for instance, which might have happened quite a few times in recent weeks-- following that night when it felt as if the esophagus spasm could have gotten me suffocated.... Although the experience of esophagus spasm did not happen again, for nights after nights, my mouth would turn so dry that it would feel as if the wall of the esophagus was sticking together and there was no saliva at all present.

During this phase, the anxiety level would rise up, the heart would start pounding. The extreme of both psychological and physical discomfort would make me feel so bad to the extent that I would start fearing for my life, and, it would feel as if I were to go into the state of a full-blown anxiety attack--- for a reason... (unconditioned response... sort of...)

After a few days, I started to find myself gradually developing this sense of fear about going to bed... This is because I was started to associate the concept or the act of going to bed with the torment mentioned above. In other words, going to bed is now associated with all the minor inconveniences and could now serve, on its own, as the trigger for the dasein moments which were very much like anxiety attacks. The experience was so annoying that, at point, I would find me thinking to myself.... This is no way to live.... This is no way to live... How could people live this way and I can't live this way?

Thank, God, I eventually live out of that phase and, believe or not, I do thank God for allowing me to fall asleep without da fear no more....

With psychosis, the delusions and hallucinations do amazing work in building delusional stories to scare myself. For instance, on the night before I shipped myself back to the psychiatric ward, I had this delusional belief in my mind that some patient in the psychiatric ward escaped and he is on his way to me-- on the mission to make me go adios....

Although some might believe that delusions are simply delusions and there might not be any meaning to them delusional beliefs. I do find some interesting questions related to the above delusional kinda story.....

Who could that patient be? Who was this cuckoo at large that intended to do me harm? And, regarding the danger I sensed.... what exactly does that sense of danger mean in reality?

Could that sense of danger have something to do the deteriorating mental state I was in? Could it have something to do with the fear of having to go back to the cuckoo's nest? Or, could it have something to do with the plausible guilt I sensed about not having upping the dosage of my meds earlier enough due to my foolish pride about wanting to take control of my mental states without having to use meds as the dominant means and wanting to test my own limits?

In any case, what I am trying to convey with the above scenarios is that... both neurotic and psychotic symptoms could cause high degree of annoyances even though the experiences might be substantially different.... In other words, having psychotic symptoms make you suffer neither more nor less than having symptoms associated with neurotic kinda condition.

Getting back to the topic of honesty.....

Ya, honest to God, for the longest time, I was... psychotic-centered (?). It was not until my recent encounter with the hit-by-a-truck grade of depression and them experiences like anxiety or panic attack did my memories about neurosis get refreshed. And, thereafter, I finally can come up with the, hopefully more impartial, conclusion that, when it comes to the dasein moments both psychotic and neurotic symptoms could afford, all symptoms are equally bad although their nature might be substantially different. 8-O

Honesty

Today I have been somehow overcame with thoughts.

Some many thoughts that I have to start wondering whether I am becoming more on the manic side or not as opposed to be depressed.

Then, after my last posting and as I was walking back home, this word came up to my mind... chances are, it might have something to do with them thoughts I have been pondering about the multiple manifestation of Scheiße or Kaka....

That word being either liar or lies.... I don't quite remember now and it doesn't really matter anyway....

Following my propensity for tangential thinking....

What it be like when all that I have thought of, done, and said are nothing more than lies to myself all these years--- with them lies so very well packaged that I actually could fool myself to believe in them....

And, what would it take for me to be true to myself? Like what my doctor in Taiwan had me told before....

"Don't lie to yourself because your 元神 knows whether you are being honest or not and it will not be happy if you are not Honest to yourself."

This brings me back to this question that I tried to answer many a day last summer when I was pondering day and night how I might have been not honest and how I might be telling myself lies...

Then, somewhere along the time, I felt this part of me revealing this thought...

Be honest, it hurts thinking about I have to leave if nothing else comes up.

Is this simply because I have fear for change?

Or, what it be like if it is simply because-- I love staying here in New York?

What is the truth and how do I know?

Essentially, instead of doing more useful thing such as looking for a job, I spent the entire day coming up with useless thoughts involving processes such as typing, deleting, copying and pasting) is while wherever my head has been seems to be very irrelevant to what I could do to handle the minor issues in my life....

What is the truth and how do I know?

And, if you want to drive yourself crazy over some esoteric thought... ponder how you might have been dishonest to yourself.... 8-O lol

Scheiße or Kaka?- to speak or not to speak

Hardly would you hear me talking about other people--- in my much younger and more vulnerable years. 8-O lol

Strangely, through out the past few mouths, the propensity for me to just say what happens to be in my mind just kept on getting stronger and stronger. To the extent that I might consider myself as starting to develop some kinda OCD for I just can’t help that the hell simply comes out of my mouth in the format of verbal diarrhea…

The funny thing is that…. now that I have gone through both the phases of to tell and not to tell…. It gives me an interesting perspective about the MO of to tell and not to tell as well…. 8-O lol

To be honest, I no longer remember why I used to talk about the others not.

Could it have something to do with my being so 清高 in my younger years that I used to be able to speak of no one? If my not speaking of the others represents my being above it all, could my starting to talk about the others be the benchmark of my finally coming down to earth? 8-O lol

Or, perhaps, it might have something to do with my not feeling it as a good thing to talk about people. In addition, consciously or not, I might have the belief that people who talk about people worth less then those who do not.

In reflection, there is a high chance that my not talking about the others might simply an act to make me become more likes them “good” people.... No longer do I believe that I had kept my mouth shut simply because I was above it.... Rather, I, be it intentionally or unintentionally, was acting in a way that would make me be considered and judged as "good."

So, that was the time when this good friend of mine and I would get together. Out of boredom or whatever else, we would attempt to gossip about the others--- such as this other girl and her propensity to gossip about the others… 8-O lol Yet, other than that, our thoughts were dry and it was fairly difficult for us to generate gossips about anyone else…

For quite a long time, we thought we were the good people since we hardly talk anything about the others. Yet, at some point, it occurred to both of us that, perhaps, the main reasons we didn’t talk about the others much was that we simply didn't know too many people and we also didn’t know too much about them limited number of people who we knew. 8-O lol

The, in the past few months, something inside has been driving me to spit whatever is there out whichever enters my mind... This is a drastic difference from how I actually had been for the longest time, especially during the times when my paranoid delusions were worse or worst.

And, today, I found myself turning into someone I would never dream that I could become of….

Essentially--- I am now one of them really bad people who speaks of the others…. OMG…. 8-O lol

Although, it would be preferable for me to think that I am no longer that someone who dare not engage in the act of speaking about the others simply because such act is socially considered as bad and I do not wanting to be considered bad?

To date, I have been someone who spent the majority of my life trying to be good due to the mandates set by my delusions which states “See no evil, think no evil, and do no evil.”

I have also, somehow, turned into almost a compulsive speaker of all things that approach my mind, including observations, perceptions, observations, etc… while, of course, such new found propensity could simply be the manifestation of the over-compensation for the past….

Yes, I had been someone who keeps all things inside until it gets so jammed packed that I finally exploded, and, many a time. I have also been someone who has the slightest idea why on earth things just come out of my mouth the way they do.

And, if you ask me which type of MO is better….

My guess would be…

"Welche klingt besser? Scheiße or Kaka?"

For... it all eventually comes out anyway.... 8-O lol

Scheiße or Kaka? on Personality

In the clip below, Karyn Buxman spoke of 3 types of persionality, people with Type A, Type B and Type E personality. In this version of personality typology, people with Type A personality dies for their intrinsic need for structure. People with type B personality could live happily and forever due to their laissez-faire attitude towards life. Those with type C personality, on the other hand, are people who eventually become passive aggressiveness due to chronic stress?




As was indicated in the above video, people are people and intrinsic to each of us is our personality, which is often operationalized as our peculiar modus operandi.

When Type A people are being Type A people, Type B as Type B, and, Type E as Type ---- up to Type n as Type n, people are who they are. However, when conflicts arise and if we listen closely to what exactly was coming out from our mouths, we might be surprised to find that, very so often, what we see as so very wrong in the others are simply the way people are--- except for they are different from us….

So far as I am concerned, to say whether one type of personality is better over the other, it is equivalent to Grandma’s questions….

"Welche klingt besser? Scheiße or Kaka?"
8-O lol

Scheiße or Kaka?

When I was hanging out with my friends the other nights, the mama of my friend told me a story about grandma, a proper and classic lady who never uses profanity and things alike...

One day, either on the beach or by the park, Grandma was reading her nice little book. All of a sudden, grandma looked up and asked, with all due sincerity, this question:

"Welche klingt besser? Scheiße or Kaka?"

Or, in plain English:

"Which one sounds better? Shit or pooh-pooh?"

This story gave us all a good laugh.... and a good laugh...

Part of the reason why I find it so funny might have something to do with the fact that.... although not all of us might be as proper as Grandma who uses profanity not, in some way, we all make judgments about whether it is more appropriate to say "Scheiße" or "Kaka"... Consequentially, those of us who decided to go along with the word "Kaka" would see wrong in those saying "Scheiße" and vice versa while the two are actually and literally two of a kind…. 8-O lol

It would be nice

Last night, I somehow thought of what this friend said to me the other day....

"Why don't you write a book?"

This thought, then, came to my mind...

Ya, it actually was my childhood dream to be a writer.....

Shall I be able to find something to write about and come up with a book with some sort.... it would be nice....

Interpretations and assumptions

Once ever so often, the concept of interpretations comes to my head....

The confusions of interpretations...

So, today, I somehow got myself into this cat fight (Thank God that I am imperfect and perfectly capable of getting into cat fights 8-O lol).

For me, all that I do and I can not refrain myself from doing these past few months through my verbal diarrhea is speaking of my observations while, at times, generating further interpretation by referencing to my past experiences through accessing information in my long term memories. Yet, the other cat see it different.

I will use the experiences I went through on my way home to clarify again what it takes for us to come up with interpretations based on my understanding of how the mind is supposed to work....

Scenario:

My neurotransmitters must got all excited during some useless cat fight although there must be a bigger reason for the cat fight to take place and since Rome was not built in one day. So as I walked down the street towards the downtown direction, I saw a huge number of people walking uptown towards me. They all have just heard about cat fight and they are debating on the side to take. They were looking or wanted to look at me while not dare to look directly towards my direction. I looked down to the street to avoid facing them because I am not perfect and I get into conflicts. Then, I realized that what I was avoiding was my delusions which just have their level of severity going sky-rocketed.

Attention: I attended to things in the environment. This is what precedes the observations I make consequently.

Perceiving: The process of perceiving results in observations that could be both internal and external.

1. So as I walked down the street towards the downtown direction, I saw a huge number of people walking uptown towards me.
2. People look.
3. I looked down.
4. my delusions which just have their level of severity going sky-rocketed. (This is a psychosis-related observation which might not be too useful to normal people)

Interpretation: The interpretations could be both delusional and non-delusional. Regardless, they are the artifacts of what is already in place in my head or in me. In addition, the generation of interpretations involves the recent observations and interpretations as well as the access to information in long term memories.

1. They all have just heard about the cat fight and they are debating on the side to take. (The classic way of interpreting things delusionally. Without any basis, the assumption was made in my head that, first, people knew who I am and, second, care about what I do. It is this biased assumption that led me to make the interpretation. This belief, of course, provides a perfect example for ego-centrism.)
2. They were looking or wanted to look at me while not dare to look directly towards my direction. (It is but an interpretation driven by my self-centered delusional propensity. Again, the embedded assumptions are that people know me and know what I do while nobody gives a rat's ass about me.)
3. I looked down to the street to avoid facing them because I am not perfect and I get into conflicts. (Over here, I was both reacting and making inferences about the interpretations I have come up with, which are absolutely in lack of basis.)
4. I realized that what I was avoiding was my delusions which just have their level of severity going sky-rocketed. (In addition to what I have mentioned above. Here goes the interpretations following the tradition of psychoanalysis... 8-O lol)

An interesting observation I made when coming up with the above meaningless analysis is that the word assumption has appeared in many locations. To the extent that it is as if the assumptions we hold could emerge absolutely out of any context and independent of any supporting evidence.

At the same time, the assumptions I hold did not arrive in a vacuum. It is the cumulative artifacts of the present context involving both the perceptions and the interpretation as well as the information stored in our long term memories. Guess this is why, in statistics, my professors could not stop repeating or emphasizing the importance of "check your assumptions."

So?

I guess the take home lesson for me is that....

My interpretations are mine. The reason why it is mine is because the interpretations are generated based on the values, beliefs and worldviews that have been stored in my long-term memories in the form of schema, script, mental models, etc. In addition, what precedes the derivision of values, beliefs and worldviews are the experiences or the interactions I have with the external environment.

It is the idiosyncratic nature of the information that have been derived by the peculiar me that makes my interpretations about whatever I encounter.

This is the same reason why other people's interpretations are theirs and theirs only.

In places where the two do not match. Figure out the assumptions and check the assumptions.

Limitations: Of course, I can't really generalized how a delusional think to that of them normal.

Lazy and/or invisibly disabled

It is very funny that, last night, as I was going to bed, I posted this simple sentence in my private blog...

"One thing I could tell myself is... Thoughts have gone dry...."

It seems as if there was just nothing more worthwhile for me to speak of in Ratology anymore....

Then, today, as I came out from some of my everyday experiences, I came to understand that it was not because there exists nothing more in this pitifully boring state of my life... Rather, I have not been able to reload them raw thoughts....

So after some drama that occurred at work, I came face-to-face with my disabled state of being and its consequences.

You see, before I became disabled, one day, I got in the mail this letter speaking about how people with disabilities are often being thoughts as lazy. It was a foreign concept and I must have thought then.... "How on earth did they get my address?"

Then, the concept of disability was operationalized. For the longest time, forget about the thought of achieving anything... deal, first, with learning to walk and see whether I could move past 30 steps or 40 steps before I have to stop for spasm to pass... And, up to less than an year from now, I was still not sure whether there would come one day when I could simply walk without spasm and, maybe, one day, without walking aids...

It has been about two years after I became disabled and, to date, I am still trying to recover. Yet, once every so often, situations occur and the notion resurrects--- disability is considered by an act of laziness...

There are many things I have become unable to do. For instance, since the gym is no longer an option for me... this leaves walking and my swinging the only exercise I have been spared and I could afford.

I also remain to have difficulties with lifting weights.... What I have learned so far through life's lesson is... if I do too much of moving things around, the pains resurges and the inability to walk comes back for the body to take its toll.

Today, again, I came face-to-face with the everyday scenarios surrounding the issue of moving and lifting weights.

It, finally, came to my realization that my lost ability to lift weights could actually be perceived as an act of laziness simply because "you look so good".... How could you be disabled? Why does anyone else have to be the one to be doing lifting while all you do is mingling around with some accessories such as cables? In other words, you are either lazy or malignant and I don't believe you could be disabled.

Of course, no one ever put things out the way I have spitted it out as above. In other words, these are things coming out of my mouth-- a representation of my worldview and mental model.
One thing I thought nobody could understand, I might have never spoken of, and, possibly, I have never realized is that...

Disability is not a past state of being. My inability to perform the tasks I used to be able to perform did not go away with the disappearance of the cane or walker as the walking aids.

Rather, the cane is gone but the disabilities remain.

Rather, disability is a way of life.

Life is never the way it was and I have no idea how close to the way it was it could get.

Although I would like to keep staring at the full part of the glass, I finally am at a point when I have to face the empty part of the glass--- staring into the void filled with them activities I can no longer engage in and I can no longer perform.

So I thought I knew what it meant to be disabled. And, of course, again, I am slapped in the face by my own absolute ignorance.

Then, as I pondered about why I look good to everyone, including myself, but can't do them things I used to be able to perform, and, I wondered whether it is simply laziness or I am really disabled (which is something I am still having trouble accepting, I guess...)

It was not until then did I perform a search online and come across some writings about people who are not only disabled but also "invisibly disabled."

And, I came across quotes such as the following:

From: But They LOOK So Good!

1. While the person with the illness/pain is mourning their loss of ability and freedom, others often accuse them of just being lazy or malingering.
2. Frankly, it is impossible for us to be compassionate, until we have acknowledged there is a situation for which to be compassionate!
3. I do not believe you are sick, because you don’t look sick?
4. Ironically, those with chronic conditions would like nothing more than to gain complete control of their lives and not have to adjust to any limitations at all! Nonetheless, their bodies do not always cooperate with their desires, no matter how much they want it to.

From: Invisible disability

1. Invisible Disabilities are disabilities that are not immediately apparent.
2. Those with joint problems or chronic pain may not use mobility aids on good days, or at all.
3. About 10% of Americans have a medical condition which could be considered an invisible disability.

And, it was then did I realize that....
However lazy people might consciously or unconsciously think I am....
Some people might think I am lazy simply because they do not believe with their eyes that I could have any physical constraints....
In addition, I could come to think that some people might see me nothing more than being lazy because they don't believe I am disabled in any capacity...
Whatever it is, ignorant as I am, I finally come to learn that there is a term for it....
"Invisibly disabled."
Apparently, I am not alone and it is just normal.
In any case, whether I am purely lazy or not, anyone is welcome to judge and, for me, I will let it God to run its credit check...
And, if you ask me that, if God exists and does do his credit check on our every move, why on earth would I be in a state of invisibly disabled--- like the remaining 10% or so of my American cohorts?
For me, the answer is simple. Other than the possibility that I am simply a bad person and that's why I have to be punished for God knows what I have done in my life so far...
Chances are, without living through them experiences unnecessary to them normal people, I wouldn't have understood what it means to be totally disabled and the process it take to come to face my existence as an invisibly disabled. I also wouldn't have come up with this question--- would there come a day when I can be declassified as an invisibly disabled?
Where else could I find life-long and tuition-free immersion education based on constructivist principles as such that eventially grants me, the above, useless thoughts (even though I have no idea why I shall come up through my life's experiences them meaningless thoughts)? 8-O lol
As for anyone else... you are entitled to make whatever interpretation you want to make as long as you remember the interpretations are yours. 8-O lol

念奴嬌 赤壁懷古

Once in a while, I think of this poem.... or 詞... rather...

What a dasein.... especially when you think of ....
大江東去,浪淘盡,千古風流人物...
and
雄姿英發,羽扇綸巾,談笑間,強虜灰飛煙滅.

What else are we fussing about in life?
Let's just.... 人生如夢,一尊還酹江月


念奴嬌 赤壁懷古
蘇軾

大江東去,浪淘盡,千古風流人物.
故壘西邊,人道是,三國周郎赤壁.
亂石穿空, 驚濤拍岸,捲起千堆雪；
江山如畫,一時多少豪傑.
遙想公瑾當年,小喬初嫁了,
雄姿英發,羽扇綸巾,談笑間,強虜灰飛煙滅.
故國神遊,多情應笑我,早生華髮.
人生如夢,一尊還酹江月.

Interesting perspective about 瑜亮情結...............

From esophagus spasm to dry mouth only

Following is a posting I made this Wednesday for my private blog... It sort of documented my recent encounter with esophagus spasm and dry mouth....

Like what I always say.... I have no idea why I have to go through the things I have to go through in life.... Yet, in retrospective, I do see how my own action have an impact on the outcomes.... 8-O lol

In addition, after I tossed and turned for a few hours in bed, I eventually got up to take a Clonazepam.... unfortunately, it took this pill much longer a time to put me to sleep then usually....

Go to sleep
drafted on Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I have never known how difficult it could be to fall asleep....

Yes, it is true...

I have lived through nights of sleeplessness....

I have lived through them nights of sleeplessness.... so many a night... and... within which I were haunted by the ghosts of my own delusions.... and the associated delusions concerning death...

Yet, what has been happening to me nowadays is something different....

What I have been experiencing in recent days are the extreme of physical discomfort.... the inability for me to swallow--- even my own saliva, the dry mouth.... so dry that it feels as if my mouth produces no saliva at all, the ensuing sense of anxiety.... especially the tension resulting from the bodily discomfort and the inability to fall a sleep....

I had the worst symptoms last Thursday night....

What I ate for dinner was one of the cup a noodle with some mushrooms....

Thereafter I had a beer and a strawberry Margarita along with 4 pints of hot water while hanging out...

After I got home and before I went night night, I put the dissolvable tooth whitening strips of Listerine.... In other words, I went to bed with them Listerine whitening strips still in my mouth waiting to be dissolved and broken down by my saliva...

Then, the next thing I realized was that..... it was 2 o'clock in the morning and, after I got up, I found myself lost the ability to swallow even my own saliva.... Worst of all, I was having trouble breathing through my mouth... It was then did this thought occurred to me... OMG... I could die in suffocation here along in my room and no one would even know about it...

I struggled and finally swallowed down one of my Naproxen.... The pill immediate relaxed my neck area and I finally could swallow again... although still having to deal with the increased heart beat rate as well as the unbearable dryness in my mouth...

Regardless, I went back to bed since there seems to be two options only I saw... I go to bed and wake up the morning after or I wake up not....

Apparently, in retrospective, I did fall asleep and I did wake up....

Following are a few of the options that I entertained:

1. The chemical in the whitening strips might have built up in my mouth and caused irritation
2. I have become allergic to something (e.g., alcohol, shrimp, wheat)
3. I drank too much liquid and the water built up in my cells such as those in my throat... or water intoxication
4. I might have experienced an anxiety attack or panic attack
5. Or, the combinations of more than one of the above

Friday night was a good night since I had no trouble at all falling asleep...

Saturday night... I think I had some problems falling asleep again but not so bad... some sensation of dry mouth, maybe...

Sunday night... maybe a bit of dry mouth kind of problem....

On Monday, I went to see my doctor... and we came to the conclusion that it might have been the Listerine strips that got my throat totally irritated... Yet, that after noon, against her advise, yours nothing in the head decided to get another kind of extra powerful tooth whitening strips...

Then, Monday night, again... I had great discomfort and difficulties falling asleep... First, it felt as if I was having difficulties swallowing and there seems to be something stuck in my throat... After I got up and moved around a bit, I went back to lie in bed... only to find myself being attacked by dry mouth... and dry throat.... So dry that I felt the lining of my throat was touching each other and rubbing against each other.

I got up again and again only to find myself still being attacked by da dry throat and mouth...

And, the same thing happened again last night...

I wanted so bad to take either one of the Clonazepam or Naproxen...

Yet, I decided to not take additional pills instead....

Eventually, I fell asleep and woke up this morning... spending the entire day feeling still sleepy...

In retrospective, I think what happened since Monday night might have something to do with the Crest Advanced Seal whitening strips... It is because I was able to feel their after effects all the way into the later part of the day on Tuesday even though I applied the strips later in the evening...

Given that I have also been feeling gas coming up through my esophagus, I decided tonight that.... Maybe what I am experiencing have something to do with this thing called acid reflux...

I was going to hold it though the night to see whether I am going to experience the same thing tonight without any further intervention...

Yet, I decided to take two of the Tumbs.... for... it ain't making sense for me to kill myself over some stupid and methodologically unsound experiments... 8-O lol

Let's hope and pray to God that I could finally fall asleep.... once for a change.....

Last note... perhaps... something else in the equation... da prune juice might also be part of the equation since I am trying to use it to help me with da constipation department.... (8-O lol oops... did I say it? lol)

And, God... let me fall asleep for once... tonight... shall you exist and shall you be listening... in addition to letting me find a husband soon... 8-O lol sigh... (Think this is quite funny for me to be still thinking about finding a husband while under-going the given condition.... 8-O lol)

Phobia-- dry mouth and can't sleep

Speaking of phobia... though out the past few days... I think that I was about to develop some kind about phobia about going to sleep..... at least up till last night... when I finally fall asleep...

This had been happening....

Every night... falling asleep has turned into a more drastic battle than I would like it to be...

More nights than I would like it to be... I would be lying in bed, tossing and turning-- tormented by xerostomia or this dryness in my mouth....

I got this sinus that came from no where... and I need to use my mouth to breathe...

Yet, or maybe as a result, the mouth would go dry and so dry... so dry that it felt as if there is no saliva at all....

For over an hour or two.... I lie there waiting.... for the time to come.... for me to wake up to a new day... a new beginning....

As days go by, I started to have this fear that the same thing is to happen again as I go night night.... As a result, the anxiety level might have been heightened, which doesn't really help the condition either...

If you ask me why I don't have a glass of water by my bed side to quench my thirst and to compensate for the dryness....

I do.

Throughout the night, I would get up again and again.... drinking more water and some more... only to be overcome by this sense of dryness again shortly....

If you want me to compare between them nights of delusional terrors and them nights of never-ending dryness...

If you want me to choose which one would be the worst....

Honestly, neither prefer I....

So, before I went to see my physician yesterday morning and as I was pondering whether there are any other people who suffer from similar kind of minor inconveniences, I did a google search with the key words "dry mouth can't sleep".... only to realize that there are so many other people out there sharing the same experiences and struggling to find a means for a sense of relief...

Luckily, after I took my physician's advise and ate some "pears" before bed, once for a change...

Last night, I was able to fall asleep without having to be tormented for hours by da "dry-mouth-ness"....

Then, I thought of those people who have to live with this condition for years.... God bless and have mercy.....

And, for those who can't understand what I mean by being tormented by dry mouth and being kept awake as a result of it... Lucky you.... and may you keep your bless...

And... hope that... tonight... dry mouth won't come back to keep me away from falling asleep....

Commitment phobia

I know that I have spoken time after time about them ghost of jackasses from hell for all these times.

Then, last night, this friend of mine brought up this topic of commitment phobia...

Yes, a topic so very outrageous...

Commitment phobia...

And, like what someone else pointed out last week or the week before... most of the time, it takes what we see in the others to help us see what is in ourselves....

So, as I was sort of cleaning up the kitchen, I thought of this comment about the correlations of someone else's MO in choosing the target of affection and the person's phobia concerning commitment...

It was during this process did I realize that...

Perhaps, that someone else is far closer to me than I might have been willing to acknowledge...

That someone is me...

Perhaps, I have chosen that last jackass of my all the way in Arizona simply because....

He is far away and so far away from me.

Even if we might have gotten married...

The concept of him and I to be not even in the same state....

It might have been a bit easier for a vow as such to be exchanged....

What it be like...

Despite of my wish now to... no... not have a boy friend... to simply get married....

What it be like...

I am again, simply, trying to test whether I am commitment phobic.... ?

Who else out there.... might be... commitment phobic?

Whatever out there could help us figuring out whether it is actually we ourselves that really are commitment phobic?

And, what might be the indicators telling us that... we eventually could migrate away from being commitment phobic?

What it be like... being no longer... commitment phobic?

Texas - Multiple Sclerosis - Tim Timmons

The story of Tim, a patient of MS and a medical marijuana user...



And, some hypotheses about MS..



As well as some faces of MS...



And... what about one of the last comment....

"Oh, my God... what does it mean for our children?"

(This writing is cross-posted in my disability blog.)

Pain, disability and pain killer

So far, I have posted in the blog the academic journal articles that I came across so far... and not much yet about another disabling factor called pain and chronic pain...

Today, be it due to the pouring rain or my poor posture, my upper back pains made their comeback...

This reminds of the topic of medical Marijuana I came across briefly on TV while channel surfing...

This reminded to be some story I came across on TV by chance.... until I had my accident and went into temporary total disability due to pains and immobility...

A brand new world and eye-opening experiences, I guess, about the impacts of the disabling pain and the consequential pondering about how others with worse pains deal with it....

Since I could not locate the program I saw within which they interviewed a gentleman who became wheel-chair-bounded and in chronic pain after an accident in his deep-sea diving venture.... Following is a brief program I found from 60 minutes....



Since I am not quite sure where exactly this posting below... I have cross posted this in my disability blog...