The meaning of uselessness

Time flies is a term sounding so very corny…

Yet… how time flies… now it’s been 2 month since I came back to Taiwan from New York and over one month since my visa back to the States got denied.

If I had thought two months ago that the life I had lived in the year past had taught me what it meant to live a useless life marked with nothingness… I was wrong again…

The matter of the fact is, and, in retrospective… during those days, I tried painting, origami (paper folding), researching about my conditions, writing, and, be it buying or selling--- ebaying.

Most importantly, there was never a moment did I feel the need to prove to the world that I, despite of my mental and physical conditions, could amount to something.

Then, there came this past two months… a good two months more of my life when I, again, beat my own record of living a life even more useless and contribute nothing more to the world than boosting the economy through spending my Mickey mouse amount of savings and swinging rehab activities… lol

Then, earlier this evening, my mama told me about this friend of hers who has been suffering from the impacts of osteophyts in her lower back. Accordingly, the pains are so bad that this auntie had gone in and out of the ER 3 times and the pains so bad that she could hardly do a thing to get her life out of the unbearable state of miseries.

Mama wanted to take me to see the lady--- to tell her that my spinal conditions had put me through times of miseries, too…. And, today, I am making progress… Today, I can walk faster than my mom… Today, I could finally bend down to pick up the power cable to charge this laptop.

I was more than happy about my mom’s suggestion.

Happy is actually an understatement…

All else I might have failed to accomplish throughout this time…

If the sharing of my road to recovery could bring even the least sense of hope to this lady….

The excruciating pains…

The pains that could put you down on the office floor…

The pains that could take all your sense of joy away from life…

The pains that could force you into the dark side and see, no more, light.

The pains that leave you so very--- home alone—for what you experiences, what others can’t understand.

Not to mention the problems associated with mobility--- or physical disability accompanied by the pains…

If, even only one of my fellow patients could, somehow, benefit from any part of my miserable states of being, I will be happy and complain no more… for such would serve as the evidence for the purpose of my uselessness and the proof that even the emptiest existence could be full (here comes my self-serving thoughts lol).

Tell me how much you suffer… and, you will know that you are not alone.

The road towards redemption might be much less than rosy (and, chances are not rosy at all)--- if you believe, each of us will find that specific path for ourselves.

There might be detour after detour—such as my en route temporal destination in the cuckoo’s nest—

Yet, consider it but part of the itinerary for our life’s special trip because, if we believe, one day, we will walk out of it, somehow, and, it would be a trip that cannot be sought however global you travel--- it is something that could only be found within yourself (although, to be honest, I'd rather to have travelled a thousand miles and visited a million towns than having to go through this internal trip... oops... lol).

Back to the meaning I found during this trip... again... I found that, although it is something I have to look inside of myself, again, it is you who makes up the meaning.... (call it social construction of knowledge or social loafing.... lol)