Meaninglessness

My mama is very determined about my getting the US visa in the coming interview (as soon as the documentations arrive from New York).

I hope I could have her kind of belief that "they will give it to me."

Although I am not really the kind of person to be unconditionally positive about events I have no control over, some part of me... call it the psychotic part or the superstitious part... sort of feel that it was God's will that I did not get the Visa to go back to New York....

For.... shall I have gone back as planned in the end of June.... there would not have been the 英英美代子 era. I also would not have been able to curve up like a turtle or acquire the special talent to be bending-down walking involuntarily back and forth.

Then, earlier tonight, I had this feeling that... something is missing....

There is something I haven't learned or I haven't done... and it is this missing piece that is blocking me from moving forward.... for protective purpose. (OK... I told you that I am very well endowed with this thing called delusion.... and this surely sounds like delusion, not only in formation, but at present. 8-O lol Yet, shall it have the potential to be a wishful thinking, I'd rather it be a self-fulfilling prophecy... lol)

Then, earlier on, as I was facing the street having a smoke, I thought of the clips I uploaded today....

If not all, at least part of the movements I have engaged in... if one wishes, could be assign some kind of label... call it rat, tiger, dragon, bird style or anything else you want to...

Yet, these are or could be but movements... made possible by meaningless combinations of muscular contractions or extensions.

It is not necessary for there to be a meaning to it at all....

Just like... it is not necessary for all things to be meaningful in life---

It is OK for meaninglessness to exist and this is why I have to struggle so hard to understand what it means by 空.

(What an insight and a simple lesson that took me so many years to understand... and remember what I said about me and my insights... 8-O lol oops...)

Then, as my dad passed me by, he saw all the CDs I used to back up the hours and hours of clips I took when I swing....

He asked a question, "So many... What are you gonna do with them?"

Without hesitance I answered, "I don't know."

With or without meaning....

The blogs I kept and the thoughts I shared.... these videos...

Such mark the end of my 99.999999...% meaninglessness remark...