Not perfect

I guess, in life, somethings are just meant to happen.

At dinner, mama said to me or reminded me again that, once one's application for green card is denied, it would make it so much more difficult to get it.

I thought to myself... let's see whether I will be able to get the visa to come back to the states in the end of June first before speaking of green card.

I am not feeling apathetic... (or am I? 8-O)

No, I am not (although one is entitled to suggest me in a stage of denial).

Yet, there is this voice in my heart telling me that... somethings are just meant to happen in life... be it to our liking or not... for all will all eventually balance out at the end of our time...

(Lordy... are my hallucinations starting to migrate from my head to my heart? 8-O lol)

Shall there be nothing I could take with me, at least, one thing I know is that I feel this sense of peace inside with myself, including all the decisions I have made in my life so far.

There are so many could-haves--

I could have been an established physician if I had decided to go to the medical school.

I could have had a steady job or my own family, perhaps, shall I have gone straight to work with out bothering with the graduate school.

Yet, even if I could redo this and that gazillion thousand times more, would it ever be possible for me to create the perfect scenario for my life... especially when I yet have to figure out what a perfect life entails? How long would it take to find the solution and could The Solution really unfold?

There is nothing perfect about my life....

Physically, I got spasms, nerve pains and still can't move too far without a stop. Mentally, I got my hallucinations and delusions as well as the propensity for depression. Financially, I have now only one part time job that allows me to pay my rent. Career-wise, I am still waiting for a full time job to land. In addition, I got no money, no car, no house and no man.

To be honest, a life fairly fucked up seems to be a much better description for a life as such.

Yet, so they say, "well, another day is over" (page 40, Frankl) and "tomorrow is another day" towards a better end... :-)

(for how much worse off could it get and I told God I have suffered enough... lol)