The state of the head

Today is the second day for me to smoke 4 cigarettes only in a day.

Other than the tension I feel all over my body, the longer I stay without a smoke, the crankier I become and the worst my mood is...

If you think that the tension was simply some physical discomfort, rethink it again...

The matter of the fact is that... when I was feeling my body is all tensed up... it is not only the body that experiences discomfort... rather the "tensing up" also seem to take up a majority amount of my cognitive processing power....

So, before I went out for my second smoke at around 1 o'clock this afternoon, 5 hours after the smoker's first cigarette.... I was supposed to get some stuffs done before going to get myself replenished with nicotine....

So, there was a script in my head.... or, in my mind, I expected myself to arrive at a classroom, collect payments from students, and, asked the students to go to the office to pick up their receipts after class...

Funny enough, as I arrived at the classroom, the real life scenarios did not match up with the scenario I foreseen based on the script I have in my mind....

Although the real life scenario did not impose more work on me, interestingly, it made me feel far more stressed out... simply due to the fact that the real events have deviated from my expectation...

Eventually, I took a detour and went out to take my second cigarette for the day....

After a drag or two, magically, the tensions were alleviated, the sense of crankiness decreased and I was able to smile again....

It was then did I realize that...

The state of my head right before I smoked was almost similar to a state of anxiety or panic attack..... I had no control over no nothing at all...

It was as if the entire world was coming down.... all them little events deviating from the expectations....

The smoke... or the nicotine replenished through smoking... somehow worked as a non-prescription grade kind of anti-anxiety medication..... which asserts its power literally in split second....

p.s. if my writing sounds a bit incoherent, it might have something to do with my trying to finish this posting before my take my last smoke for the day. To be honest, the head is so tight and the cognitive capacity is so limited that... I could only think of one thing or one word at a time... insufficient mental capacity to process anything more...