350

Today is the first day for the dosage of seroquel to go down by 50 mg.... due to the fact that my affect is mostly flat, I feel pretty dissociated and, when I go to bed every night, my body would involuntarily do the run-away-horse thing....

The difference I found today is that... it feels lighter... not as heavy....

It also feel as if my brain is sort of running....

Free drink

As I was hanging out tonight, this young man behind me apparently dropped a beer... and, the beer splashed all over my back... sort of...

The immediate response I had was...

Umm.... that was funny...

It was like I just had a beer shower for the first time in my life even though I actually already took a shower before I got out...

So I thought...

Ya... I might have complained about nobody even buying me a free drink....

Ain't no free drink as such.... 8-O lol

Then I thought of how I had wished to take a year off after I am done with trying to get the green card thing...

Although I did not get the Green card, I did take a whole year off due to the disabilities... 8-O lol

So they say...

Beware what you wish for especially when your wish might be granted a bit off from the perfect scenario.... 8-O lol

At the same time, don't know what exactly is strange about it.... yet... sort of strange... my reactions to some strange situation.... 8-O lol

凡人歌

After all these times, this remains to be a classic....




你我皆凡人　生在人世間　終日奔波苦　一刻不得閒
（你）既然不是仙　難免有雜念　道義放兩旁　（把）利字擺中間
多少男子漢　一怒為紅顏　多少同林鳥　已成（了）分飛燕
人生何其短　何必苦苦戀　愛人不見了　向誰去喊冤
問你何時曾看見　這世界為了人們改變
有了夢寐以求的容顏　是否就算是擁有春天

Ya... what is the point of killing yourself over falling in love3 since... 多少同林鳥　已成（了）分飛燕... 8-O lol

Husband

Was listening to this song with my mama....



Ya... ya... ya... my youth is fading...

Dear husband, you don't need to be filthy rich as long as we make sure I don't get too 白白又胖胖..... 8-O lol

阿美阿美幾時辦嫁妝 我急得快發狂 今天今天你要老實講 我是否有希望
雖然我是個窮光人又長得不怎麼樣 但是你要想一想 看看自己的長相
阿美阿美不要再彷徨 少女的青春短 今天今天你不要倔強 快做我的新娘
雖然我沒汽車洋房 吃得粗茶又淡飯 只要你陪我作伴 包你白白又胖胖

stand by your man

Just completed the following quiz on facebook and got the following results...

Ratprincess completed the quiz "Which "Gone With The Wind" Character are you??" with the result Melanie Hamilton.
You are the touchstone, you make people see others through your eyes and one can more clearly see the struggles of the other. You attempt to understand the people, and the world around you without passing judgment. You are a caring, kind, gentle southern bell with great manners and a good heart. You care deeply for those you love and respect and honor them. You are sweet, understanding, helpful, and a little on the submissive side. You offer comfort and people are drawn to you for that reason. You are modest and shy and you tend to prefer life to be simple and traditional. When it come to love: You are a traditional, stand by your man kind of women. You love with your whole heart and your soul becomes one with his.

OK... although I had to be forced to choose a least unlikely answer for some questions...

Funny enough.... there is something pretty true to it...

I had always been standing by my men until finally I get dumped.... 8-O lol 8-X

Lost in translations

I took my mama out for dinner tonight to have some burrito and quesadilla...

Ended up, I found myself working towards the end of the night busy translating till I was lost in translations.... 8-O lol

Now I know what job I shall consider not... brain dead... thank God there is still the land of peace in Mafia War-ing... 8-O lol

Dates

So I went to the supermarket with my mama and told her that I was going to get some dates because "dates" are like "dates".

Mama was very happy about the thought that I was getting myself some dates.

So we got home and I had a date or two.

Mama looked at me and said, "Aren't you gonna have some more (dates)?"

Since I love eating in general, maybe I will marry a chef instead?

Or, I don't have problem with having a lot of money, maybe I shall marry a millionaire?

lol

Milk

Mama likes to drink me and likes me to drink milk as well...

When I went to get some milk a bit earlier, I found that the 1 gallion milk we just bought is almost all gone.

After mama woke up from her nap, I made a suggestion...

"Didn't we just get some milk two days ago? It is almost all gone. What do you think we go get a cow so that we can milk our cow everyday for fresh milk?"

"Sounds like a good idea." So replied mama.

"Except for where are we going to keep the cow? Maybe in this tiny spare space in my room?" 8-O lol

So reminded me of that husband of mine who is supposed to be a baker...

In my much younger years, I used to love eating bread and other baking goods. So I had thought...

"I think I am going to marry a baker so that I could have bread and other stuffs everyday." 8-O lol

worries

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in people's mind and what kind of concerns or worries they might be carrying with them each step at a time....

It is as if my asking myself.... what it be like shall I have none of the concerns and complaints that I have in life....

What if I were in their shoes, them passersby...

How could their concerns and complaints be defined? By volume, by intensity and by nature of the contents?

Among them, whose concerns and worries are more like real problems and how do we judge it?

In addition, how many of the concerns and worries are man-made issues? What does it mean for issues of concern to be man-made? Who is to say man-made issues are any less or more when comparing to the authenticity of them non-man-made worries?

Pause... for a minute... for them thoughts unfolding already in slow motion if not... stalling...

How bad is that... to be driving ourselves crazy with issues considered moot by at least one other person on this planet?

Overdosed?

Last night when I went to bed, and, of course after taking my daily pills, there was this need for me to tighten my muscles all around my body so as to relax them and to gain some sense of relief...

That reminded me of the run-away horse scenario.... where my fellow patient in the psychiatric ward had me told... "Tell the doctor. You are overdosed."

Then, I thought of my recent state of being... nothing going on upstairs.... as evident by the lack of postings in my blogs....

Could it be and how could it be that... I might be overdosed? 8-O lol

Alternative

So my other girlfriend said...

"If you can't find a man for too long... try the other side of the fence. Then the men will talk to you." 8-O lol

Good point, speaking of diversification.... lol

Where are dates?

This girlfriend asked me...

"Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

"Nope." So I responded...

Quite puzzled by this prolonged state of single hood since it ain't quite like I am so very ugly... Just don't get no date...

Maybe I am gonna go to the supermarket to get some dates today and to buy me some dates... at least, such would count for some dates... 8-O lol sigh... 8-X

New words

I can say this pro se that I am moot and my modus operandi is non sequitur.

Wonder whether this sentense makes sense... 8-O lol

Mental model or script

Yesterday I watched the movie Fight Club again.... at the very end, as I was getting very confused about the plausible diagnosis for the main character, I was told that...

"It is a love story!"

"Really?"

First time in my life to be thinking of Fight Club as a love story.... 8-O lol

Then, I was reading the supreme court ruling of the "VERNONIA SCHOOL DISTRICT 47J, PETITIONER v. WAYNE ACTON."

As I was reading through the document, I found myself starting to get lost in the complex information system....

At the very end, the author provided one sentence to conclude everything...

"Taking into account all the factors we have considered above--the decreased expectation of privacy, the relative unobtrusiveness of the search, and the severity of the need met by the search--we conclude Vernonia's Policy is reasonable and hence constitutional."

So I thought... why didn't you tell me this at the very beginning?

Then, I rethink both incidences...

Interesting implications of scripts or mental model....

Schooling

So my mom and I have been engaging in this conversation about education.

The conclusion?

It ain't quite really matter whether one is good at school or not. At the end of the day, all that really matters is whether one has enough (of course, gotta be able to perform the tasks required to be a modern civilian) to be holding a job and, at the age of retirement, there is pension.

Good looking guys

My mama and I were speaking of the concept of good-looking guys...

So I said, "Good looking guys might have the propensity of running off..."

So my mama added...

"Your sister was complaining about how her good-looking husband is now losing his hair big time. I told her that... everyone gets old... why don't you take a look at yourself?" 8-O lol

Permanent damages

My worker's com lawyer thought it is time for us to close the case up.... and today I was sent to see this doctor as the IME....

I got to the clinic like a nice girl and waited there quietly...

Finally, the doctor came in...

"You know we are not looking at your back or knees. We are looking at your shoulders today."

So I have been told... there are no compensations for broken back and pain...

"Do you have shoulder problems?" So I was asked.

"I don't know. The doctors would know the best." So I replied.

"Shoulders? How would I be evaluated for shoulder problems? I had thought that it would be the knees." So I might have thought to myself...

So, the doctor told me to do some simple movements...

"Rising you arms all the way up...."

Oops... I found myself incapable of doing so on the left side and on the right side... regardless whether I tried to do it from the front or from the side...

At some point, the IME doctor told me...

"You know you have permanent damages to your shoulders? This is the reason why you would not lift your arms all the way up."

"Do I?" So I asked.

"Yes, you do. Nobody ever told you?" So asked the doctor.

"Nope. Nobody ever told me." So I replied.

"And I never knew because I never had to raise my hands other than I still can not lift weight."

"So what do I do?" I asked further.

"You don't want to do operations. Just keep on trying to do exercises."

Eventually, I got out of the clinic....

I decided to keep on walking on... part of my daily exercise routine...

Although most of the times, there is nothing upstairs... some thoughts did emerge while I was strolling down Broadway....

Isn't it funny.... It was not until I experienced the hit-by-a-train kind of unconventional ear ringing did I come to realise that I have been experiencing ear ringing for all these years. It is not until I went to see the IME did I come to realise that there are permanent damages to both of my shoulders.... 8-O lol sigh

Then, this thought occurred to me...

Now it sort of make sense... why it is so difficult to lift weight... or does it?

Observing my own reaction towards the news...

I found it even more intriguing...

"Blunt affect? Or isn't it?"

Another thought emerged...

"Am I like a psychopath who hear the sound but not the music? How would I be feeling so calm facing this permanent diagnosis?" 8-O

Unless, what else could I say, they are just some additional damages that had came in with the same package?

In addition, it is not as if the naming itself could have made any differences to the conditions since the conditions are the conditions... 8-O lol sigh

Sort of like what I said to the doctor... you just live through one day at a time... keep on trying...

Then, earlier in the night, as I was rethinking about the image of people lifting weights.... or maybe even me who used to be so very self-sufficient even with the lifting of extremely heavy weight....

"Wouldn't it be so nice..."

I guess... even though I still walk around like any other ordinary people... and regardless how blunt the affect would be... wouldn't it be so nice to reverse the condition of my body to right before the accident... where, theoretically, less is, at least, found to be damaged.... 8-O sigh

At the same time, does the naming really have no impact at all?

So I got home and I told my mother the news....

Mama couldn't quite grasp the story I was telling and I assume it might have something to do with her checking the market stories online while I was doing my story telling...

So she got off the computer and, in her comment, I realised that she had no idea at all what I was talking about...

"You have no idea what I am talking about." So commented me annoyingly and with apparently a heightened sense of irritability.

As I made the observation...

So I thought, there do exist impact... da naming...

In the morning

When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I found the usual suspects reconvene again...

I laid there trying to fall asleep but can't fall asleep... while facing da hammering sound in the back ground of the right side of my head...

That sound I have no control over might have gotten me a scare because, thereafter, I found this sense of fear rising....

Could this hammering sound and da train station be alternative versions of auditory hallucinations? I don't know... Yet, they surely are distressing...

Then, that tightening of the esophagus thing came up again... Might have some thing to the merging sense of anxiety or did it?

Adding one more pillow seemed to work yet only so much... for... at some point, I was hit by da dry mouth thing again...

I got up, took a piece of dried peach, down some more of the water, resisted to pop da sleeping pill, and, went back to bed wishing the sleep will arrive eventually since I have to make it to my class today...

Although sleeping is essential in maintaining my health, especially mentally, I usually do not resort to sleeping pills unless I am tossing and turning for at least 2-3 hours in bed...

After getting up twice and some more tossing and turning with hammering in the head, esophagus spasm and extreme dry mouth on the side, I guess... I must have fell asleep since I did wake up this morning... 8-O lol sigh

Could I be overdosed again? I suspect but I am absolutely not sure since the dosage did get lowered less than 2 months ago... Yet, I do feel that I am walking around feeling much detached from the external world... which usually is an indicator for overdose....

At the same time, all these night time activities are starting to lead me to wonder... more...

Why the night time dramas of my boring life?

And, I thought of those days of Jackal and Hyde... when I was walking around looking like any ordinary person during the day but couldn't shake the habit of experiencing the delusional nightmare awake in the night....

Why in the night?

Why between awake and sleeping?

Could it be true all them psychoanalytical talks?

Could it be that part of my psychic is really being blocked so well that it could only have itself, in the night, when all control is let go, manifested?

Then I sat through the class... talking about segregation, desegregation and resegregation.... poverty and low SES....

Then I sat there hearing about the challenges involved in teaching when the learners speak no English...

And, with the scenarios presented, I saw in my mind this five-year-old being handcuffed-- taken to the precinct...

To myself I thought... I did wake up in the morning...

Hammering

Weeks ago... I lived through those days and nights with my brain running a subway station on the right hemisphere of my head.... which eventually graduated into the sound of wind...

And, thank God, it eventually ceased...

Then, last night, I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason...

Right after I woke up, I found myself listening to this hammering sound in the right side of my ear...

It was as if someone was doing some real hammering except for the sound originated from the inside.

As it seemed to be becoming more and more pronounced in the relative quietness in the evening... I thought of something I read when dealing with the subway station in my head...

Focus on some other sounds... so that you could stop focusing on da inner sounds...

I tried to focus on the sound of the fan...

Yet, the processing of inner sounds seemed to take precedence before external stimuli... some observation I have talked about gazillion times...

All of a sudden, there came this loud truck sounding kind of noise from downstairs...

It might have been the unloading of stuffs for the supermarket down there...

It used to be so very annoying because of the noise it made...

However, all of a sudden, I realised that such noise was to me... music from the heaven.. because it was so loud that it actually covered up da hammering sound inside of my right ear...

Then, all of a sudden, it felt as if something had my head reset...

And, da hammering sound on the inside disappeared...

That was... to be honest... a real scare because so I thought to myself...

Not again...

ATM

There was this class that I was supposed to take 2 years ago... then... there was the accident... which took a huge chunk of my life away.... a shake up... literally to both my mind and body...

Two years later, I finally have the chance to attend the class...

So I sat in the classroom... listening to people talk and happily taking my note...

I thought to myself... this is so nice... I am finally finishing what I was supposed to have started two years ago... when the only thing really matter was the last miles to the house in slow motion... 8-O lol sigh

At some point, this thought came up to me... I wouldn't have been able to do it two years ago... This time I am sure...

It was such a surreal feeling...

It felt as life happens in asynchronous transfer mode...

I am eventually living some part of my life that was supposed to have taken place two years earlier...

It also reminds me of what I described in my thought in process.... finally... that piece of dasein is brought in to the time line of my life...

Gratitude

I was doing some writing earlier on, which led me to this thought that came up a few nights ago and today again...

Gotta thank those exs for bringing an alternative dimension to my life...

I guess... they opened up my eyes to some experiences otherwise inaccessible... a thought that finally emerges in sort of the most chaotic state of my life... so far....

At the same time, it seems sort of ridiculous for me to be doing the bumble jumble about relationship etc... Sort of like watching criminals continue to commit crimes while the meteors are on their way down to destroy the planet.... 8-O

If you ask me why... please don't blame it on me... I am supposed to have cognitive impairment and my head has the propensity to do its own thing.... In other words, it's not me... it's my head etc... 8-O lol sigh...

Marriage

I was speaking with this girlfriend of mine the other day about marriage...

Funny enough, like my girlfriend, I never really dream about things like getting married or imagine about me in a wedding dress... up to today... 8-O lol

Yet, it is true that I have been asking to see whether some guys I know would marry me recently.... and this seems to be giving them a scare and some even seem super alertive when seeing me... based on my alternative worldview... oops... lol

So I thought...

Don't worry... me ain't gonna superimpose myself on nobody...

You don't wanna marry me then tell me you don't wanna marry me because who says that I have to marry you. Duh... 8-O lol

Alternative hypothesis: Stress vulnerability model

When reading about the following in an article I reviewed today, I thought of the strange state I am in... sane as a piece of rock... although, theoretically or based on common sense, I should be in a elevated psychotic state filled with anxiety...

8-O

Decreased behavioral pain expression and stress vulnerability model

The experience of pain results in stress. In ordinary people, the reactions to pain stimuli could be released through normal pain behavior, psychologically or physically. Patients with schizophrenia, on the other hand, can not release the invoked stress through normal reaction channel. As a result, stress might get built up and results in the worsening of psychotic conditions.

OMG... So... how can I go more psychotic to ensure I don't go even more psychotic? Sort of like how people would set up small fire where there is a big fire... I guess... 8-O

Once upon a time national anthem

No wonder this was once upon a time national anthem...

All else I have been or have been not... one thing I know is that, with the best of me... I tried... although certain things in life are just not within your control and it ain't gonna help even if you try to push hard and harder....

And, yes... regrets... I have a few... but so what else could I do about them?

Might as well making sure I make a graceful bow at the final curtain.....

My Way...

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which I'm certain.

Ive lived a life that's full.
Ive traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Those who once hit on me

Last night I spoke of my shattered dream... that dropped dead gorgeous guy I dated who is not simply another guy in mid age...

Tonight to my friend I spoke...

"Wouldn't it be so scary if guys who had hit on me decades ago see me today?!" 8-O lol

Dream man

Watch "You've got mail" again tonight...

What a wonderful movie with a happy ending...

So I said to my friend...

"Isn't it so romantic?! Old people could also be romantically in love!"

Only to realise that...

Oops... I think I am at least older than Meg Ryan then... 8-O lol

Later on, I was told...

"Go out and look for your dream man..."

So I thought...

Ain't no need to be looking for a man of my dream no more...

Perhaps, there was once upon a time when I would be dreaming up how the men of my dream were.... and they all end up being someone else and wanting something else... because, duh... a dream is a dream... You hold on to your dreams too much... You get a nightmare... 8-O lol 8-X

At this point, all that I want is a sturdy man who would want something like me... so is that the current version of the man of my dream... I guess... 8-O lol sigh

Ain't no nothing any complicated...

No more them head-over-heel kinda stuff...

Been there... Done that... and guess... tired of it... if not too tired for it...

More like.. this shop doesn't want me... let me take the business somewhere else... 8-O lol

Simply a paradigm shift in my preference....

Or, unless, like what this girlfriend of my said to me...

Many times bitten, today shy...

In addition, people say I am choosy... What right have I chosen before? As evident by my still being single... 8-O lol sigh

Moreover, I guess I got enough at hand... CPU usage 200%...

Gotta say, it was nice, though, having felt I have found the men of my dreams and tried to hold on before.... (speaking of elegantly wasted...) 8-O lol 8-X

Betrayed

So I was speaking with my girlfriend about the once-cuter-than-Danzel Washington guy...

So I said...

"Among all guys, he is the one with the most perfect physique... How can he betray that perfect image?! What did you do to yourself?! Man... he was so yummy!!" 8-O lol

Then one of us brought this up...

"Don't know what people from the past would think when they see us today..." 8-O lol

Ye, chances are... the perception ain't quite distorted... Rather... over 12 years apart... we are just going through the natural process of aging.... shh... 8-O lol

And, it is as if... nice looking boys, oh, nice looking boys... if you can't stop running off, at least stay drop-dead beautiful..... 8-O lol

Insanity

Walking down the street and on my way home, this thought occurred to me...

This is absolutely insane for me to feel so sane...

The thing called immigration status is supposed to be something so very distressing given its consequences....

I am still in status and will be short out of status in a few days...

Yet, even after the decrease of Seroquel as well as the contextual influences, the amount of positive symptoms remain to be lower than before and I am finding the delusional beliefs such as people know me gradually dissolving one bit at a time...

I find myself coping with the situation in the same manner as I do my comparison shopping for groceries...

Surely, it could be that I am still so drugged that I am failing to sense and express my affects...

It could also be the manifestation of the negative symptoms...

Regardless...

So I walked down the street...

With this thought in mind...

I've been reading about psychotic in pain...

Next week... I will need to switch to learn more about things such as the disability law and education... to finish this class I haven't been able to attend the last two years due to life's circumstances... while, working to move through all that I could do with da immigration status since there ain't no nothing I could do about things with what I have no influence over...

And I kept on walking... with this thought in my mind... the insanity of sanity...

Or, am I starting to lose sight of my insanity? An alternative hypothesis.... 8-O

Their loss

I love how my friend had it put after my last jackass disappeared into the ether of limbo....

"That's his loss... He doesn't know what he is missing..."

Then I thought of those men I once-upon-a-time loved so dear to the extent that I might have loved them to death... and who dumped me so easily... ouch... 8-O lol

So, to ease da boo boo in my injured ego...

"It's their loss..."

Especially when I am such a great house-wife material...

3 dollar for all provided purchased in Upper Westside Manhattan.... 8-O lol

At the same time, I pondered... what kind of points does it entail to try so hard clinging to them relationships that never really gone anywhere and to get myself stuck with them guys who didn't really quite care too much of a bag of beans about me?

Then I came across this pop quiz on face book.... which led me to rethink what is important to me in a relationship in addition to love...

So I thought... companionship.... since I am sort of very much done with the madness associated with crazily in love given that I am already insane by default....

While searching for my Mr. Goodbar... those short in beans... their loss... 8-O lol

Distorted perceptions

So I thought of this short-term ex of mine... someone once-upon-a-time much cuter than Danzel Washington...

I remembered his name... Brian... something...

Yet, I have no picture of him...

So, I did some research for him... something I tried before to no avail...

Brian in crystalogy...

I got lucky this round and actually found him...

Clicked through da link leading me to his page... with a big smile on his face in the picture shown...

"Shxt!" So I thought to myself... "He ain't looking as cute as I have remembered..."

So they say... the state of being in love is equivalent to a chaotic state of imbalance in your neurotransmitters...

What it be like... distorted perceptions? lol

And... speaking of vanity fair... so vain as I am... no wonder I am pneumocephalic... 8-O lol

MO

I spoke of the fine lines I have been noticing on my face and my enlarged pores after seeing the beautiful and smooth skin on this girlfriend's face...

She picked up the candle to take a good look of my skin... and commented...

"Don't be so tough on yourself."

So I thought about this incidence just now...

It does sort seem to be my MO....

MJ

What I have learned so far about MJ's passing is that... remember the good and cherish the living.... and, most importantly, love for all...

Pain in psychosis

After browsing through the abstracts of over 400 articles (and, of course, only really scan through the abstracts with the key words pain and schizophrenia highlighted), I found two articles which provided reviews on pain perception in psychotic patients....

Hypoalgesia in schizophrenia is independent of antipsychotic drugs: a systematic quantitative review of experimental studies. (Potvin & Marchand, 2008)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18160219

Pain Insensitivity in Schizophrenia: Trait or State Marker? (Singh, Giles, & Nasrallah, 2006)
http://journals.lww.com/practicalpsychiatry/pages/articleviewer.aspx?year=2006&issue=03000&article=00004&type=abstract (sorry for the long link)

The references used in these two articles would be a good starting point for whoever interested in research concerning the perception of pain in patients with psychotic symptoms.

The engine

After the dosage of seroquel went down by 100mg, for a few days, I was feeling so happy because I could sense the engine of my head to be moving... instead of getting caught in a state of my wanting to turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn...

Yet, nowadays, weeks after the dosage is adjusted, I am having this feeling again that the engine seems to go back to the state of not wanting to start up again...

So, when I met up with my shrink this morning, I asked him for his opinion concerning lowering the dosage a bit more because the engine of my head doesn't seem to be moving much again.... or.. I would like to go back to experience the head moving kind of feeling...

Since it's only been about a month since the dosage came down, I knew we have to wait and see a bit more....

At some point, the shrink asked with something like...

"Haven't you been doing all those equations earlier on in the year?"

He was speaking of the algorithms I was studying in spring when I took the course "Item Response Theory."

I thought about it and replied...

"The equations are simple because it is all logical. Sort of like 1+2=3... all that you have to do is to follow the mathematical logic... With the papers I have been reading, for instance, they are more complicated because there are so many components involved that you have to follow and comprehend."

And... let alone the complexity of tasks it involve to, first, comprehend the things writers talked about in their writing, second, reflect on the relevance of the writing, and, lastly, generating questions based on what I read...

On my way back from the visit, this additional thought occurred to me...

Perhaps it is just an excuse... no wonder that all that I took and I was capable to take was one class and only... since, at the point, my CPU usage was 100% already... Couldn't have been able to do more than one class anyway...

Then, later on in the day, I found myself in this situation.... within which I was required to attend to multiple tasks at one time...

So I stopped doing what I was doing because something else came up and another thing came up. There were only 3 tasks involved... Yet, after I switched my attention to the two new tasks, as I was trying to get back to what I was doing seconds because... I found myself staring away and asked myself, "What am I doing?"

Of course, one might say that this happens... except for, I have been observing this type of occurrences really frequently although I can't quite remember what I have been observing... 8-
O lol sigh

More specifically, it feels as if there is constant process of memory dump in the short term memory.... or the linkages to the activated schemata cease much easier....

Yet, the next question to be asked is that...

How could it be so very easy for me to draw references upon information processing theory in my monologue?

Duh... it might have something to do with the fact that my dissertation was based on cognitive theory and, after reading similar articles again and again, all these tiny little schema eventually gets encoded in my long term memory... In addition, after talking about the same thing again and again all these years, the path to such info might have become far more strengthen and makes it much easier to access these types of information....

If you don't believe it... think about it...

What else is new that I have been talking about recently other than the reporting of observations as well as the ensuing analysis based on nothing more than my naive theories? 8-O lol sigh

This, then, reminds me of what I came across this afternoon... the concept of ibuprofen induced pseudodementia.... http://www.theannals.com/cgi/content/abstract/37/1/80

Hopefully... and let all be pseudo and reversible...

Anti-inflamatory drug and psychosis

I have been researching for literature concerning pain and psychosis (e.g., schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder)... more specifically... looking to see what kind of pain measures are used for the researchers to perform the assessments....

Then, today, as I was going through the abstracts, I encountered several articles discussing anti-inflammatory-drug-induced psychosis....

1. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10468178
2. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8707453
3. http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/9/1606-a
   

It sort of got me all excited because what this line of research tells me is that... I am not crazy-- or, ok, I am crazy, yet it was actually sort of normal for me to become institutional grade kind of abnormal... (what kind of logic is that... 8-O lol 8-X)

Isn't life strange? How could what be so right be so wrong?

Sort of like what this old psychiatrist said to me one time after I provided him with observations concerning the increased level of psychotic symptoms...

He said, "It is positive."

I asked, "It is good?" 8-O

He explained, "Positive symptoms." 8-O lol

Psychological Causes of Schizophrenia (MacPherson, 2009)

MacPherson, M. (2009). Psychological Causes of Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia Bulletin, 35(2), 284-286.

As I try to look for articles concerning the assessment tools used to evaluate pain in patients with psychosis, I came across this article based on the first person account of a schizophrenic patient in the academic journal titled "Schizophrenia Bulletin."

In this article, the author shares with us the lessons he or she learned for the past 32 years. Through his accounts, the author provides us with a positive example about how patients actually could lead an independent and eventful life through consciously and constantly working on developing coping skills in general as well as in managing additional demands imposed by being a schizophrenic.

It was stated in this article: "In the discharge planning process, I made a conscious decision to return to work." In addition, "One needs to grow in life's experience and cognitive functioning. The help and support of a specialized vocational program…" I cannot agree more.

Ever since the onset of my psychosis about 10 years ago, my psychiatrist and I have been working on keeping me "vocationally functional" if possible. One thing people might not understand is that, the impacts of all health conditions are generally two-folded. One the one hand, you deal with the symptoms associated with the disorders; on the other hand, you also have to deal with the side effects of the treatment such as medication. Interestingly, over two years ago, I would have told you that the above is applicable to mental health condition. It was not until I became a handicapped in chronic pain did I realized that such is applicable to all health conditions.

I have been very lucky in this perspective because my employers have been very accommodating and I have always been able to return or remain at work even when I just got discharged from the psychiatric ward… sustaining high level of psychotic symptoms such as hallucination and delusions as well as having limited cognitive capacity due to both the symptoms and the side effects of the high-dose medications.

However, I do not quite agree with the author concerning the role of parents in the development or maintenance of schizophrenia. Personally, this sounds a bit too much like the classical attachment theory to me… What I believe, instead, is that the development and maintenance of our symptoms are very much dependent on our modus operandi in dealing with all relationships including those with our parents.

I also do not really agree with the statement that "Paranoia and paranoid states and reactions are simply child-like sates similar to a child's temper tantrum." While it is true that some parts of our delusions and hallucinations might have a more childish presence, others do take on a more adult presence. At the same time, some part of the interactions in our delusional worlds might simulate the characteristics of adult-child relationship. However, I don't feel that "a child's temper tantrum could sufficiently explain all symptoms.

I do agree with the notion that "delusions are also based in fear and paranoia and represent a false belief but have a basis in reality." I would also add "guilt" as well. Such opinion is based on my personal experiences. Coincidentally, I have come to this conclusion myself earlier this year or late last year after realizing the "horror" components of my visions, hallucinations and delusions. I have been since pondering about where to start from to resolve issues in me which might have contributed to the manifestation of my psychotic symptoms. Unfortunately, I have yet to find out how to go about doing it.

One thing I cannot stress enough is that… the psychotic symptoms we experience are or could be idiosyncratic to us. For instance, my immigration status to remain in the United States has been an issue for me for a long time, and, the immigration status has also been a major theme in my psychotic symptom. Apparently, such might not be one of the themes for those who are American or who are not aliens wishing to stay in the US.

Most importantly, I am only a fledgling psychotic in that I have only spent about 10 years of experiences dealing with psychotic symptoms etc. There is a high possibility that, as the time goes on and as the learning progress, I might eventually come to fully appreciate what the author tries to convey.

In addition, I am mostly appreciative to both the author and the editors of the journal Schizophrenia Bulletin in the efforts they put forth to publish a case study base the personal account of a Schizophrenic patient. So has it been one of my most deep-seated bias… at point, patients might have something to offer…. at least for the fellow patients...

This writing is cross-posted in my Disability in Ratology blog.

Beauty and Youth

So it was last night when I thought this dude was being pretty nasty towards this woman... whom I assume was his girlfriend...

At some point, as I looked at this lady, it looked as if she was in tears...

So I thought and said...

She should never let any man treat her like that...

She should not allow any man to treat her like that...

Than, I came to the realisation...

What I saw in her was a younger version of me...

So they say... youth is beauty except for, all too often, it is so very elegantly wasted I guess...

In my much younger and more vulnerable years... I had spent all those nights and days aching, waiting, and, mourning over those men of my dreams or nightmares... So I have had those portion of my beautiful youth elegantly wasted...

Then, when encountering that young and beautiful lady... silently taking what she was not supposed to take... in my version of her reality....

I thought to myself...

So shall I remember... refrain from wasting away my youth this way again.... for any version of the me lived will always be the younger version of myself at any given point...

Madness

When I take my daily walk, sometimes, I would drop by Barnes and Noble... These past few weeks, I discovered some books written by authors who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and personality disorder.

One of the book I have been browsing through is titled "Madness by the writer Marya Hornbacher. http://www.tower.com/books/preview/isbn/0618754458

One thought I have so far is that... OMG... tough life she has led so far...

And, at some point, when she was speaking of how she thought people knew that she was broken...

Ya... regardless the condition, the fear or the amount of courage it might entail to face our intrinsic brokenness...

Proposal-ing

Recently, I have been trying really hard to come up with a project concerning the assessment of pain...

At the beginning, I wanted to do a review on the relevant literature...

Then, at certain point, I came to the realisation that... thank God, there are pain experts out there and I will let them be the ones to voice their expert opinion because... it will be another dissertation for me shall I wanna do a complete literature review provided I need to learn enough so as to narrow the topic down... 8-O lol

So... instead, I decide to work on a proposal focusing on looking into how the experts in the field have come up with the idea that patients with psychotic symptoms are less sensitive to pain and have higher threshold for pain...

Although the proposal is still in the most drafty form and, shall I be the evaluator, I would assign the "a piece of crxp" kind of grade, I think the basic ideas are there... although the bad English could be better corrected and more literature could be added...

Perhaps, one day, I will be able to share with you what I have done...

Today, in its raw state, it just has to be kept in the file drawer for a bit longer until I have something more meaty to add...

However, the good thing about having a deadline is that... otherwise, I could still be keeping on-- reading on... Sort of like what I did when I was trying to come up with a research proposal for my dissertation... It took this good friend of mine to tell me to... "stop reading; start writing"... for me to start doing the writing process...

So, shall you ask me what I have been up to this past week and more...

I have been doing proposal-ing... 8-O lol 8-X sigh