From Frontal Lobe Disinhibition

To be honest, throughout all these years… despite my predilection for verbal diarrhea, many a time, in real life, I have actually failed to escape the consequences of my delusional propensity--- I have to be good because others are watching (and, of course, despite the fact that who gives a rats ass, be it skinny or fat, about my thoughts and my deeds 8-O lol).

Yet, in recent years and, I guess, especially after I sustained my spinal injuries or started doing my swinging exercises, I am finding this ever growing inclination for me to speak my mind while I see or sense things that ain’t seem too right for this rat’s peanut-sized mind…

As I was walking home after work this afternoon, I guess the verbal part of my mind was trying to construct and re-construct a perfect sentence to express how I see people with attributes that are not quite to my taste…

So, as I was walking down Broadway, I found a sense of exhalation… the sense that I am letting out the things that are in my mind and it is not the end of the world just because I express them thoughts defecto and continue to work on perfecting the expression of the given ideology… 8-O lol

At some point, contradicting to my preferences of forgetting about it due to the inalterable symptom call magical thinking associated with the belief that someone out there could read my mind.... I decided to review the original sentence I composed in my head and did some analyses on its structure…. Then, upon the observation of the redundant usage of the word “face,” I recited this sentence again and again in my head… trying to figure out a better way to represent the sentiments… up to a point when the sentence flows and rhymes…. making me feel all poetic… 8-O lol

The matter of the fact is that I really have no intention to pay no mind to no nothing other than finding a job, getting my work completed and/or finding a husband...

Yet, for reasons unknown, recently, things just get me annoyed for no good reason. These would be the same kind of events that I would have been simply putting them aside and…. forget about it…

Yet… it just occurred to me today, if not recently, that...

Maybe all these do happen for a reason....

For years and for many a time, I tried to see not what I saw and feel not what I felt...

I hid myself behind the façade of caring not about them useless annoyances in life....

How I tried so hard to be or pretend to be "a bigger person" and be "mature" about things....

Yet, such modus operandi did not seem to carry me too far concerning my mental health... somehow I suspect…

In reality, such modus operandi might actually have been a bit too taxing to my mental health because I had never been able to simply forget about it… it... it… it… it... and many more of it…

Rather, I might have simply suppressed the reactions, be them in deeds, in thoughts or in feelings....

And, perhaps, it is these suppressed deeds, thoughts and feelings that perpetuates the existence of my delusions and hallucinations… as thoughts and deeds mostly requires a suitable context or environment to sustain their perpetuation.

Perhaps, it is true that I have suppressed many of my reactions for too long a time...

Perhaps, this is just the God-forbidden time for me to do something along the line of frontal lobe uninhibition involving de-suppression…. although there is just no way for me to prove or disprove whether such change in my MO could be translated into the betterment in my future mental health condition. 8-O lol

Perhpas, it is nothing more than I am simply a complete fake all along and all these years.... with the sole purpose of my "fakeness"-- fooling myself to believe in what I want myself to believe.... 8-O lol sigh

And, of course, it is highly likely that I am simply a bitch from hell who is finally showing her true color…. and who tries to use all them useless thoughts to justify her everyday thoughts and deeds…. 8-O lol