on a bit over two months from now

A bit over two months from now... I would be out of work due to my running out of my legal status...

A bit over 5 months from now... shall there be no miracle... the mothership would ship me back home...

All these sound really serious and important... (or maybe not? 8-O lol sigh)

Why do I wanna stay?

Once in my life... I finally find a place where I belong and I feel zu haus sein....

Why do I all of a sudden thinking about the pending change of legal status?

It might have something to do with the decrease of Seroquel... from 600 mg to 500 mg...

The decreasing dosage of Seroquel seems to be starting showing its effect... in that... I am feeling less and less dissociated day by day although there is really no way to "scientifically quantify" the degree of decrease.

Essentially, nowadays, I can sense more of this thing called "a sense of urgency...." which involves my facing events such as the plausible end of my stay in New York city while it is my preference to stay....

The dissociation I have been speaking of had made it very difficult for me to even get connected with the present... let along the pending future....

Yet, although, now, I finally can appreciate this sense of urgency, it does not mean that I now am "capable" of facing the reality fully...

The reality (and what is the reality 8-O lol sigh) is that there is still a good amount of detachment I am sensing from the surrounding....

It is not I do not want to face the reality fully (although some might claim this to be the manifestation of some defense mechanism). Rather, factors such as the meds are still encapsulating me in a bubble of dissociation.... which might have resulted in my "inability" to fully experience the anxiety associated with the magnitude of impacts such events "should" have on me... and I have chosen to use the world "should" because it is simply a naive estimate I come up with based on what I consider as the AKA "common sense"...

Right now, I am still relatively calm about the near future and not seeing too much trauma in formation concerning the pending departure.

I could have love to claim that it is simply due to my ability to see how meaningless and minute such a problem is when comparing to those faced by many others...

Unfortunately, my gut feeling tells me that such a way of thinking is not sufficient in fully explaining my state of being... Rather, much of my response is still the manifestation of the dissociated state I am in...

A thought or two I have concerning issues relating to my whereabouts a bit over two months from now..