Let's talk about fake

Rereading my own writing, I found the following quote:

"it is nothing more than I am simply a complete fake all along and all these years.... with the sole purpose of my "fakeness"-- fooling myself to believe in what I want myself to believe...."

This reminds me of a posting I made a few days ago which was actually posted in my private blog... about my fakeness...

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Aren't we all fake in our own way... (or perhaps only me...)

Such as me...

Let's be honest...

Am I really having no issue thinking my journey in New York city to be coming to an end...

Or, am I just burying myself into one thing after another not so that I don't have to process the reality?

In addition, do I really not care about coming up with them academic papers published in journals or chances are I just don't have what it take to be doing such things?

Is it really true that I really don't fancy getting a job in academia or I just don't have it to do it?

Am I so fake or am I not so fake...

So fake that I am fooling myself.. could it be?

Wouldn't it be much worse to be faking to myself than want to fool the others?

Moreover, just because we close our eyes not want to see what we are doing doesn't mean that nobody else could see it...

So I ponder and so I think...

What it be like if what I have to live through today is so that I could come up with such realization?