I am 英英美代子

“英英美代子” looks like a Japanese name in Chinese. However, we use it to mean “having nothing to do” because of the similarity of its sound to the phrase “閑閑沒事做” in Taiwanese.

I have been thinking recently, at times, still, what a waste of my precious Golden Age to be 英英美代子 or to dedicate this point of my life being 英英美代子.

I had wanted to finish the research class I registered but could not complete in Spring semester (remember how I went in and out of the mental institution and, thereafter, tried so hard to remobilize that over-drugged head of mine again….)

2 months have passed, Unfortunately, I have not done much of what I had intended to complete in one-month time--- although I have finished reading many of the articles I found concerning the perception of pain and MDS/Cluster analysis when first came back.

If it were “that me” before the accident who needs to make the judgment about myself or a student as such, needless to say, I would have failed myself without even having to think about it.

If it were two months ago knowing I will be spending all these time dedicating to be 英英美代子—even more 美代子 (do nothing) than what I have even been throughout the year, I possibly would put myself down so as to conserve energy for more productive beings.

Yet, today, as I was swinging some different kind of swinging, I thought to myself… how strange life is that at the age of 36 or so… the focus of my life is not working on getting myself onto that tenure track, working on promotion, trying to write up some academically sound papers or books for publication, or, fighting with my husband about finance, in-laws, or how our children should be disciplined.

Rather, I am 英英美代子 and I devoted the majority of my time awake to be 英英美代子 at swing…

I swing anytime I could… even when taking a shower or TV watching…

Then, mama told me something like…

At times it is needed for you to be 英英美代子… without dedicating all your time being 英英美代子, how could you have achieved this state of recovery?

The, I thought to myself....

Maybe, it is not all that aweful that I am 英英美代子...



(sorry about the dark background at the beginning of the movie... got no idea where it came from since it didn't look like it at all on my end. Essentially, the beginning of the film shows you how I bent down to touch the floor with my two hands while standing on one leg... In addition, remember this is someone who could not walk across Broadway in one green light about two months ago... and... ya... I am working on losing weight... lol)