At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
However, one shall never forget to ask other questions like the following to ensure the validity of the information being cited...
Where is the source from or is it a proven source for valid information?
Who is the author?
How do you know whether there is any beef in the things being addressed?
Are there references to other respectable sources?
On a second thought, perhaps we shall not cite it since... God knows how many gazillion blogs are over the web, heaven knows what da Ratprincess is (not to mention that I am still having this identity crisis thing and I am not quite sure yet who I really am 8-O lol), and, in addition to them bad English used in the writing, there wasn't any references from respectable sources such as academic journals other than self-referencing to previous blog posting by the same author... 8-O lol oops...
When first encountering the quote about pain, I had thought... so spoke for many other experiences that we have in life... and, of course, including the unobservable symptoms of delusions and hallucinations......
It was years back when I started my first posting in my blog... partially with the attempt to describe what it is like to be psychotic... with unfortunately limited my words...
I had tried to start doing some writing even more years earlier... Yet, it never sticked... As a result, I had sort of wasted a good chance to document the process of becoming for my second full-blown psychotic episode... which I have referred to so many a time in my mumble-jumbles... 8-O lol
At the same time, there is never any real proof that anyone really reads this blog other than delusions associated with the belief that there are people reading... The given delusions have proven to be some excellent motivator to sustain my blogging journey... (speaking of the utilities of everyday things... 8-O lol)
All these years later, I find my words to be ever more limited in capturing the unspeakable dasein moments afforded by them, ever richer, phenomena...
As an "experimentalist," I try to be as objective as I could in my observations. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the condition, one major thing that has been proven to me is the difficulties involved in establishing a "baseline" for my analysis because the baseline, inevitably, shifts constantly as the delusional system evolves at its own leisure... In other words, although I might be able to identify the incidences when the symptoms occur, there is no telling how much farther or closer my delusional system is from that of mine as close as a day or two earlier or that of the normal...
In addition, there also has been a gradual shift in my view about the basis of the condition as well as how I should handle my condition.
It was about 5 years ago when I started blogging...
At that point, I was a fighter. I wanted to fight the disorders and I wanted to prove to the whole world that mental health conditions are simply disturbances in the functioning of them neurotransmitters and we mentals do not have to be like them mentals portraited in the media...
I cared not of any notion of psychoanalysis and I considered Freudian ideologies alike to nothing more than them normal people’s attempts to romanticize some simple screw-up mechanism.
So I found in Ratology, conscious or not, constantly at war with me, myselves and I… in retrospective.
Except for, in this war, the only fighter in the battle field has been--- me, myselves and I.
Except for, in this war, the only person I could not prove anything to was me, myselves and I- for, no evaluator, not even da consultant who has been outsourced to evaluate my self-sponsored green card application, could be as strict as I, myselves and I.
And, except for, without having gone through this war, I wouldn't have been able to see what I am learning to see today....
Funny enough, it took the process of rendering me into an disabled in both body and mind as well as a prolonged state of recovery for me to finally understand what I am starting to learn to grasp today…
The most important fight I have to go through so far has been nothing more than the ideologies I have ascribed to throughout all these years…
It doesn’t mean that there is no need for the world outside to have a better understand about the “truth and myth” associated with mental health conditions--- whatever the “truth and myth” might be…
It, of course, does not mean that people with mental health conditions should not fight for their ability to hold a job and making a living on their own…
It also doesn’t mean that people with mental health conditions should not fight for their own quality of life…
All these are essential…
Yet, at the end of the day, when I am sitting in my room like any other 800-pound gorilla should do, the most inflaming and heated war involves no one else other than myselves…
Would this me ever gonna be good enough for myselves?
What would it take for me to cease fire with myselves?
What it be like for me to simply be myselves… no less and no more… simply as that?
And, with them millions versions of theories concerning the etiology of all conditions I take part in.... since I am no researcher with the leisure of factoring out all things other than what they are trying to prove, I am starting to learn to entertain the applicability of all hypotheses associated with the conditions.... while, waiting for one day, when some really hard working experts in the fields could finally come up with some integrated theory to capture it all...
Yet, if you were to ask me, how long would such a worldview hold?
Similar answer I would give you shall you ask me to report to you how good any given day could be…
It is not until I wake up the next morning could I tell you how the overall day had been—the day before….
It, perhaps, would take the beginning of the next life before I could give you a complete assessment about a rat's life and what the rat had learned shall the rat have learned anything at all… though who gives a rat's ass anyway? 8-O lol
Of course, it is just me... a slow learner... 8-O lol sigh
And, I guess, there is something true to the notion them experts try to entertain... Intrinsic to da web 2.0 technology called blogging, there is some educational implications... and how are you gonna cite that? 8-O lol
At the same time, to be honest, I am not quite sure whether what I am doing here is really what they mean by reflection... Ya, still honestly having some problems trying to grap what it means to reflect 8-O oops...
Had this conversation with this friend last night about someone else with the gift of psychosis...
Apparently, there was once upon a time, during their conversation, when this psychotic fellow of mine thought he was talking to Satan... and his misfortune was caused by God...
So I said, "It must have been Satan who told him that God was the culprit."
I think I have mentioned this story many a time...
Once upon a time, right before I went into the hospital due to my perceived "heart failure," I spent the entire night thinking that I was overcome by demonic forces, which were coming to kill me... many and many a time...
Funny enough, all forces came to help... them forces from Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso and all other sources..
They were Gods...
They were spirits...
They were ghosts...
They were devils...
They were zombies...
They were fictional figures...
They were heinous and poisonous beasts... such as the most poisonous spiders and scorpions...
Each of them contributed to a certain part of my healing from one attack after another...
When I was poisoned by the most potent poison, the most poisonous spider and scorpions from hell sacrificed themselves and came to my rescue by injecting me with their poison and absorbing them poisons from me...
So say the Chinese... 以毒攻毒… or use poison to fight poison…
When all measures failed to bring me back from death, I was turned an undead...
From there and with help, I became a zombie and possibly also a ghost... until, eventually, born again I was... a human... with help from all sources with all means... conventional or unconventional...
Yes, and, it was the day and night after when I lived through the apocalypse… where all structures dissolved and where there existed nothing more than chaos….
It was the same time when I was told that 想好事,做好人 or do good thing and be nice people is the only means of having the orders and structures in life be restored…
It was around this time when, walking up them hill in bitter cold, my hallucinations had me told… one step at a time…
Years gone by… memories remain vivid…
And, when rethinking the path I have traversed so far, I never cease to be marveled by this strange gift that I have been granted regardless the severity of the conditionｓ…
There is something that has been protecting me from the inside... or outside…
However strong the delusional system might be, I never, and knock on wood, my delusions never told me to do harm to anyone else…
In addition, I’ve never failed to see how people I know have unconditional love and care for me…
I have also never ceased to believe in their loving intention… (although I did scream out loud in the ER ward stating this specific guy was my husband due to the delusional belief that when apocalypse befall.. all will be gone include that love… And, in a tragic moment as such, there does not seem anything meaningful to let a love be silenced simply because it has not been pronounced. Speaking of react not… 8-O 8-X lol sigh)
So, today, as I was strolling down with these old friends and as I was thinking of all them loving people alike…
I thought to myself… how lucky I am, albeit my propensity for psychosis and neurosis, to feel so secure… so secure that even in the direst moments of madness and insanity, love still lights up in the bottom of my heart and carry me forward… one step at a time…
Good way Freud had it put… Lieben, Leben, Arbeiten… let love precedes all and all else will follow…
And, shall you ask me how such is possible?
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you why (in addition to not quite sure whether this really helped…)
The only thing I know is… thank, God, it is simply the way it is so far… (though no magical thinking intended)
For all his is worth of, all that this stubborn bicentennial machine wants is to be acknowledged as a man...
Still find it to be an amazing movie after having watching it so many a time... like the movie "Terms of endearment," this is another movie that could really let you shade a tear or two...
I found in the above clip the official English translation for the theme song 滄海一聲笑 for the movie The Swordsman or 笑傲江湖...
Unfortunately, some part of the original texts seemed to have been lost in traslations... for the Chinese and English versions don't seem quite match.... 8-O
Just heard today that my application for an I-20 extension was denied.... something I heard of before but never knew what it really entails... (OK.. Now I know what it feels to have it denied... I now have my empirical experience about it... God... Another useless experience unnecessary to the ordinary people... lol sigh)
So I went on with my daily walk.... and pondered at time what I have done in life that might be of some worth...
Then, I thought of the following clips that really captures, at this point, how I feel...
So spoke Woody Allen and so I thought of my fledgling life so far... comedy is tragedy in time...
Noting grilling, thrilling or any other -ing proceeding by words ending with rill... 8-O
And, I thought, again.... even if I were to be writing a little comedy-like script about my life so far, a comedy might it be not since it doesn't feel all that tragic at all... 8-O lol sigh
And, perhaps, my good friend is right again... the reason why I have them experiences unnecessary to ordinary people is because I can't help striving for what I want... 8-O lol
Shall there be anything true in it... so I thought on my way back home... decisions I have made and consequences I have faced... regrets have I not... Just thank God and all else for giving me the try....
And, shall I walk out of it breaking apart without falling into pieces this round... I shall be happy to say to myself... at lesat and at last, lesson learned...
Just watched the 2002 version of The Importance of Being Earnest....
I got no idea why them ladies fancy the name Earnest... Yet, since that seems to be sort of fashionable, maybe I gotta find someone called Earnest, too, for ain't no nothing matter more than being earnest?! lol
Rupert (as Algy): After you dear boy. Colin (as Jack): Oh no after you. Rupert: No, no, no, do go first Im not really good at the high bits. Im much better low Colin: Oh well see... Hm hm hm hmm Rupert: 1 2. and!
Colin: The western wind is blowing fair Across the dark Aegean Sea Rupert: And at the secret marble stair My Tyrian galley waits for thee
Together: Come down, the purple sail is spread The watchman sleeps within the town Oh leave thy lily flowerbed Oh lady mine, come down
Chorus: Come down Lady come down Come down Lady come down, Oh Lady come down
She will not come I know her well Of lover's vows she hath no care And little good a man can tell Of one so cruel and so fair
Colin: True love is but a womans toy They never know their lover's pain Rupert: And I who loved as loves a boy Must love in vain Together: Must love in vain
Come down Lady come down Come down Lady come down
Colin: I think your high notes may have damaged our chances old boy. You do want them to come down dont you? Rupert: well she is never gonna come down if you're singing like that. Youre completely out of tune Colin: How dare you Rupert: Ill take this bit Colin: you leave this to me. You go lie down around Rupert: no Ill take this bit Colin: out of my way Im coming through Rupert: go easy, my dear fellow Colin: COME DOOOOOWWWNNN
Come down Lady come down (Rupert: Jack (Colin), youre messing it more) __ Come down Lady come down
For decades now, I have always thought that I had read the novel "Vanity Fair" by William Makepeace Thackeray...
It was not until tonight, after I watched the film adaptation of the novel did I realised that... either it was some kind of false memory or I simply did not retain too much from the reading.... 8-O lol oops...
Aren't them memories so very funny? What you thought to have happened might not have taken place and vice versa.... 8-O
Last night, I spoke of how the dreams could be interpreted as having something to do with expressing myself...
The matter of the fact is that...
It has nothing so much about how I am communicating with the others...
Rather...
It has more to do with my internal thoughts... having to do with something like them symptoms of thought broadcasting and how people could access my thoughts...
In other words, what I need to learn is about them thoughts internal.... a process proceeds them thoughts external...
At the same time, since I am a very slow learner, as evident by the amount of time it takes for me to finish many of the classes, I went and got some peppermint oil for them esophageal spasm that comes and go at its own will... such as last night... a time when I had so much trouble swallowing the naproxen pill that I was starting to worry whether I would get choked on da pill... 8-O lol 8-X
(So they say... although there is no one single treatment that could cure esophageal spasm, for some people, a few drops of the peppermint oil in the water might help.... Personally, I would prefer to have it tested not.... Yet, shall I unfortunately have the chance to test it out... will let you know whether, for me, it works.... 8-O 8-X)
One thing was in my mind when I spoke of them two dreams I have back a few days ago... something about expressing myself...
The thing is that, the other day, when I was having a dinner with this girlfriend of mine, I told her about them experiences of having esophageal spasm ....
After listening to my narration, she provided me with this alternative perspective...
What it be like if I was feeling choked in the throat because I felt I was unable to express myself and speak my beliefs, or, it is be a manifestation of my learning to express myself and speak my mind?
Speaking of the confusions of interpretations especially in the realm of dream interpretations.... 8-O lol
Another insight I gained after last night's posting was that...
I have attributed the much of the experiences (e.g., dissociation, depression) to nicotine withdrawal so far...
What it be like if the plausible decreased level of dopamine, as a result of lowered nicotine level, might have contributed to da thing called getting overdosed on Seroquel again, given that the dosage of Seroquel is the only factor that is controlled for... through all these ups and downs?
Whether there is anything true in the given plausibility is another issue...
One thing I can't understand is... what takes it so long this time for me to think of it?
Could it be... I had a preconceived notion and the preconceived notion dominated my view despite the multiplex nature of the conditions?
I wondered the other day whether Vitamin B could be an alternative Potion to rid me of depressive symptoms...
While taking my walk today, I downed two bottles of them Vitamin water loaded with Vitamin B... After I got home, I took an additional Vitamin B supplement...
Placebo effect or not, I seem to be feeling better especially when the effect of Seroquel is starting to fade as the night approaches...
Of course, we don't want me to get overdosed on Vitamin B either.... and, as long as I remember my pill, I would stick to pure water...
After last night's posting about Nicotine, Serotonin and Dopamine, something is still not quite settling in me... sort of like, the rationale was built half-way...
Even with bullshitting, the arguments gotta be cogent enough...
Then, I came across the following postmortem study of them courageous lab rats, depressive or not...
Essentially, there were two groups of rats used in this study: the depressive rats and the normal rats. It seemed like the authors measured the binding of chemicals to DA transporters and dopamine receptors at different brain region. Based on their results, they concluded that, in rats, "DA depletion in rats can induce a reduction in the DA transporter and an upregulation of D2/D3 receptors, our data are consistent with the hypothesis that major depression is associated with a deficiency of mesolimbic DA."
And, of course, association is like correlations.... it is not necessarily causation.
Could it have anything to do with the depression I am trying to come out from?
"Just as 'my pain' belongs in a unique way only to me, so I am utterly alone with it. I cannot share it. I have no doubt about the reality of the pain experience, but I cannot tell anybody what I experience. I surmise that others have 'their' pain, even though I cannot perceive what they mean when they tell me about them." (Illich, 1976 cited in D.C. Turk & R. Melzack, 2001)
So very true... I could only appropriate the pains others suffer by referencing to the experiences of my own.... There is no object measure such as a pain thermometer... and it is also difficult to equate our idiosyncratic scales...
At the same time, if only our beliefs about our experiences could be so very strong...
For... many a time, we go back to revisit this plausibility...
Is it simply in my head-- a manifestation of psychosomatisation?
Even so--- how would it matter and what does it inform us about how to to move forward?
(This is cross-posted in my Disability in Ratology blog)
As I am trying to climb back on the wagon of smoking cessation, I am back to a state of using food as a means to deal with da oral fixation, which used to get fulfilled through the act of smoking.
So, before I got off work, I took a piece of cookies....
This friend of mine looked at me and commented...
"You must be very greedy."
Followed by something like...
"You eat so much."
I replied.
"I just want to eat." 8-O lol
This reminds me of this old scenario that took place when I was in high school.
I love spicy food and inhuman grade of spicy food.
One day, a group of us went to get some noodle soup...
I added hot chilly pepper and added even more....
Finally, this guy I hardly knew looked at me and said...
"You must be really greedy."
I stared at him and said, "What?"
"The hot chilly pepper is the most expensive spice and you added so much."
The confusion of interpretations.... and amazing how people could come up with these creative thinking--- almost competitive to my potential for tangential thinking.... 8-O lol
Maybe I am greedy... though, honest to God, I have no idea how the first thoughts coming to their minds would be the concept of greed....
For me, I simply see a pig that loves food especially when it is spicy.... 8-O lol
On a second thought, they are right... pigs eat.... 8-O lol
Most of the dreams I woke up from are immediately forgotten...
There were two really strange dreams that I still remember so very vividly although it has been days if not weeks since I had these dreams...
So, one night, I had a dream that I was trying to use Oprah's coupon to get the grilled chicken meal from KFC. At some point, I realised that they had given me two wings and I tried to exchange one of the wings for a leg instead.... That was when I woke up from da KFC dream...
I think it was the day after...
I had another dream that stuck in my head...
Someone was walking his dog... The doggie pooped and the owner was going to simply walked away leaving the doggie doo behind. I don't think I really wanted to tell the guy to clean up after his dog... Yet, I stopped him from walking away. At the end of the dream, the guy picked the doggie doo up.... And... I woke up...
People say that the content of dreams are often the manifestation of thoughts we did not get to processed in the day time.......
So I thought about these two dreams of mine...
Some pretty deep contents I gotta say.... food and shit... the deepest concern in my mind?! 8-O lol
On a second thought... so goes this wise Chinese saying... Life is but eat, drink, poop and pee only..... 8-O lol
Last night after I went to bed, I laid there waiting for the arrival of a good night sleep... or, simply sleep...
Then, this strange thing happened again.... something happened before...
It was as if I jumped right into REM state of sleep... without even falling asleep...
It was as I was going into dreams after dreams... shall it be the right naming...
In between, there resides the moments when I could consciously think to myself...
"I am still awake... yet, dreaming..."
What I vaguely recall.... them moments when I thought my torso was moving.... though, in the ensuing moments of awakening, I found myself have moved not...
How long did it last.... might have been hours....
What did I dream of? No recollection....
Could it be what they call as NREM parasomnia? God knows...
The only thing I knew....
The alarm clock went off and I knew that, although the sleep had been cut short, I did wake up in the morning....
I don't know about you. However, this question just occurred to me a bit earlier that....
OK... it sounds like a pretty good theory that the reduced level of nicotine resulted in the lowered level of dopamine in the reward pathway....
This has something to do with my being depressed.... no nothing ain't so rewarding no more...
Yet, it suddenly occurred to me that while psychosis is commonly linked to L-Dopa and depression associated with low serotonin level....
How on earth does nicotine, Serotonin and Dopamine, together, creative in me the existential vacuous state of being?
Out of curiosity, I did a bit of search on relevant literature and found the following article....
"Depression and self-medication with nicotine: the modifying influence of the dopamine D4 receptor gene." Link
Based on my understanding-- dopamine D4 receptor, depressive people and smoking
The rewarding properties of nicotine are largely mediated by its effects on dopamine transmission
The dopamine D4 receptors are highly loaded in the reward center
Depressive people with certain variant of the dopamine D4 receptor gene might have the propensity to use smoking to stimulate themselves and to reduce negative affect
So what is the role of serotonin?
I haven't found any specific journal article yet daueber... therefore it doesn't mean such knowledge doesn't exist...
I assume-- conventional wisdom says... there is a linkage between low Serotonin level and depression....
Then, the next question I have is that... so how do all these interrelationships have anything to do with my psychotic symptoms?
Based on what I gathered from some other articles I encountered... them experts are not quite sure which variant of Dopamine D4 receptor gene (DRD4) might be related to schizophrenia shall such a variant really exist...
One thing I think they are much more sure is da relationship between L-Dopa and things like schizophrenia...
Interesting to ponder about all them things related with the naming called Dopamine, be them receptors or neurotransmitters... It is sort of like, I guess, all Asian are Asian except for Taiwanese are not Japanese or Korean.... 8-O lol
Just some schizoaffective layperson's mumble jumble... lol
Last night I entertained the nicotine theory of my depressive symptoms....
Essentially, Nicotine acts by binding to the nicotinic acetylcholine receptors, nicotine increase the "volume" of neurotransmitters such as dopamines in the reward circuit in the brain... The decrease of nicotine in the blood stream, thus, could be translated into the decrease level of dopamines in the reward circuit.... Thus, no nothing seems to be so very rewarding in life.... 8-O
Tonight, the concept of existential vacuum came to my mind... once again...
What it be like if I am simply in a state of existential vacuum and flooded by the unbearable meaninglessness in life... except for please do not ask me what exactly the flooding part of the sentence means...
Then, funny enough, I came across this following quote of Frankl about the implications of love ...
"The salvation of man is through love and in love."
This reminds me of a comment someone made the other day...
"You know you are surrounded by people who love you."
Without hesitation, I replied...
"Yes, I know."
So, I, again, brought myself back to facing them loving people who me love and who I love...
And, so I ponder...
What it be like to fill da vacuous mind and soul with them loving intentions and how do I make it work?
And, how could loving intention mobilise the activities in the reward pathway through the modulation of them tiny little neurotransmitters shall it be plausible that love is the antidote.... 8-O lol
I used to use the handle Dame YC in my days of hunting down Diablo...
The role I took up was a sorcerer... magical power was my gift...
So, after I finally completed my mission, defeated Diablo after many a potion of mana and life, I lost my right wrist to repeated stress syndrome....
Ya, not because of my dissertation, because of diablo... 8-O lol
Today is another day when the cognitive side of me tries its best to figure out what to do to bring myself out of depression...
There is a potion ready... I know... them pills... da zoloft...
Yet, some part of me wishes that, somehow, I could find a way to climb back out of this dungeon of depressive symptoms... the immobility of da reward center....
I cling to whatever structure I could hang on to in life... including the swinging activities and walking exercise... though walking is not gonna be the same as them 45 minute long of highest-strength arm-ecliptic...
However, it doesn't seem to be working as well as I wish it could...
Having slacking on them Vitamins.... and them vitamin B seem to have served as them uppers...
Perhaps, vitamin B might be what I have to get back to...
Could it be the alternative answer for the portion of mana or life for Ratprincess, an alternative handle? 8-O 8-X
On a second thought, who is my Diablo this round? How do I defeated in me, Diablo?
Went to see my counselor today about my smoking cessation...
An interesting topic came up concerning the plausible benefits of nicotine in my system and the possibility that the decrease level of nicotine in my system could be one of the contributing factors for my recent trip into the hit-by-a-truck grade of depression...
Interesting idea that I have never entertained before....
So I did some simple Google search and came across a report with the following as the introduction paragraph paired with a figure showing the prevalence of Tobacco use in individuals with psychiatric disorder...
"While the prevalence of smoking in the total U.S. population is about 25 to 30 percent, the prevalence among people with schizophrenia is approximately three times as high - or almost 90%, and approximately 60% to 70% for people who have bipolar disorder."
Granted, the sample size might be a bit on the small end and there might be a need for future research to include more subjects in the studies.
Yet, for me, since I am 100% sure that I can be classified as part of the schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depression groups, and, I might also have panic attacks, shall the theses of the related research be valid.... No wonder I am such a smoking gun...
Blame me not for my lack of stamina to just say no....
Blame me on them mental conditions of mine to make me more predisposed, genetic or not, to the use of tobacco as a means of, so they say, self-medication.... (some good excuse, I would say.... 8-O lol 8-X )
At some point in the report, it was mentioned that...
"the average person who has schizophrenia smokes approximately 24 cigarettes per day"....
So I thought.... finally I find evidence that I have actually been part of the norm, whatever the norm is.... and God... give me the strength to be the abnormal of the abnormal... 8-O lol
In another article, based on literature review, the authors stated that...
"In patients with a history of major depression, smoking cessation may lead to re-emergence of major depressive symptoms (Covey et al., 1997; Glassman et al., 1990), although a recent study has questioned this phenomenon (Tsoh et al., 2000)."
Regardless whether whether the evidence is conclusive or not, interestingly, I did go into depression and I am still trying to climb my way out of it... although other factors such as them minor inconviniences in life might also have their share of contributions....
At the same time, this reminds me of how my attempt to quit cold turkey back in late 1997 and early 1998 shuffled me right into major depression and got me stuck with this tension headache that would not go away.... Gotta be something sort of true about this line of research, I guess....
In addition, some authors have also attempted to link the presence of nicotine with negative symptoms...
"nicotine has been shown to increase the release of dopamine in the nucleus acumbens and the prefrontal cortex (5,6,7). Glassman (8) suggested that the apathy and lack of motivation characteristic of negative symptoms is what one would expect with diminishing activity of the brain's reward system."
Interesting way of explaining my amotivated state of being...
What it be like if the lower level of nicotine in my system is actually the culprit which resulted in the decreased drive for me to maintain 4 smokes a day schedule? 8-O
"nicotine levels of smokers with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder were 1.3 times higher than control smokers despite smoking a similar number of cigarettes per day."
In other words, people like me really get our money's worth since the we actually could retain more nicotine out of the same number of smokes we go through when comparing to them normal people. 8-O 8-$
And, of course, if one ever wonder why I went off the wagon on them cigarettes when trying to finish the class I was taking this past few weeks while trying to pull myself out of da depressed state of being... Other than smoking is a means of calming myself down, it also help me think better.... sort of like what they said...
"Nicotine helps schizophrenics with attention and memory."
Essentially, a means to counteract the side effects of the antipsychotic medication we are on.... because as the antipsychotic medications stalls our thinking, nicotine sort of helps us think....
A good example would be, my head was sort of going through the withdrawl and I was staring at the previous sentence not knowing what else to say.... Then, I put this piece of nicotine lozenge into my mouth.... Immediately, I felt the thoughts flowing and, in no time, this last paragraph formed.... regardless whether there is any substance in it or not... 8-O lol
And, the scariest thing that could happen is for me to experience what they have said in the literature as well....
"some smokers with schizophrenia experiencean acute increase in symptoms during attempts to quit smoking."
8-X
For those of you who would like to learn more about the relationship between smoking and mental health disorders, please visit the following site for more information...
Or, use google scholar to look for some more academic grade kinda articles...
(By the way, of course, I won't really suggest the non-mentals to be calling us mentals mentals... because, coming out of your normal mouth, it is called discrimination; coming out of my mouth, it is but a term of endearment... 8-O lol)
A nice little song... even though I don't use make up... 8-O lol
I especially like the ending when the elegant ladies looked at Julia Roberts running across the field...
"She is from New York..." 8-O lol
You
Say a little prayer for you Me a-go say a little prayer for you
From the moment me wake up Before me put on me make up Me say a little prayer for you Me combing me hair now Me a-wonder which dress fe wear now Me say a little prayer for you
(Forever and ever) You stay in my heart And I'll love you (Forever and ever) We never will part And I'll love you (Together, together) That's how it should be Without you Would only be heartbreak for me
Me run fe the bus, love Me a-ride and me a-think 'bout us, love Me say a little prayer for you (Say a little prayer for you) At work I just take time And all through my coffee break time Me say a little prayer for you Oh
Forever and ever You stay in my heart And I'll love you Forever and ever We never will part And I'll love you Together, together That's how it should be Without you Would only be heartbreak for me
Say a little prayer for you Me a-go say a little prayer for you
Me darling, believe me For me there is no one but you Say you love me too Oh
(Forever and ever) You stay in my heart And I'll love you (Forever) And ever We never will part And I'll love you Together, together That's how it should be Without you Forever and ever You stay in my heart And I love you (Forever and ever) We never will part And I love you (Together, together) That's how it should be Without you Would only be heartbreak for me Yeah, nobody Heartbreak
Forever and ever You stay in my heart And I'll love you Forever and ever We never will part And I'll love you (Together, together) That's how it should be And I love you (Forever and ever) Will stay in my heart Forever and ever
(Forever and ever) Together, together That's how it should be Without you Would only be heartbreak (For me) Only be heartbreak for me Yeah
(Forever and ever) Oh (You stay in my heart) And I'll love you (Forever and ever We never will part And) I'll love you (Together) Together (Together) Together (That's how it should be And I'll love you Forever and ever).
The other night, I saw this guy that I haven't seen for the longest time...
While struggling to remember his name, I kept on thought of "IMAP"....
A term I haven't came across for the longest time... so long that I have even forgotten whose abbreviation it is....
Apparently, it stands for Internal Message Access Protocol, also know as Internet Mail Access Protocol-- a protocol used for users to retrieve email messages from the mail servers....
The second day, someone called at work asking how he could download all of his emails for backup purposes...
Ended up, the specification of IMAP on the client serves the purpose...
So I thought... interesting coincidences in life...
I love people.... condition by the theta parameter... their ability to not get on my nerve.... 8-O lol
So... life's circumstances must have brought forth higher degree of anxiety and I must have this propensity to internalize my anxiety, which gets manifested as depression...
In other words, I saw myself gradually went into depression, hit the bottom and found myself eventually moving myself out of it one step at a time.... this past few weeks...
Then, there was this day.... when I thought to myself...
I don't know what it is that I am carrying with me or whether there is anything that I am carrying on my shoulder... even if it is only the air pressure...
One thing I knew was it was too heavy for me to carry on...
The unbearable heaviness of da lightness in life, I guess...
So I thought to myself... at some point, I might just need to give up....
The matter of the fact is that all that I wanted to do was just to give it all up... whatever it might be or whether it ever exists...
Then, this voice said to me... (ya, my auditory hallucination)... something like...
"You can give up everything but you could not give up on people."
Point taken.
For all else I have not.... I have people who me care and who me love.... I should never give up on them who I love....
So, if you ask me how I have eventually and gradually pulled myself away from the dungeon of depressive symptoms mixed with anxiety... manifested in amotivation...
Chances are... it is love....
And, perhaps, it was not me who had carried me through all these time... it is them loving people who me carried...
So I sent an email to this very last jackass from hell 4-5 years apart from me...
So I thought to myself... cease the fire, stop the anger and let go of the grudge...
For... I don't particularly like the dark side and all I need is love to... I guess... show me the light... (and, of course, a full time job, good pay so that I can take my mama and daddy for trips everywhere... 8-O lol)
At times I ponder to myself.... when is it so hard for me to find a full time job...
Then, I thought of all the things I have learned so far through my "clinical and empirical experiences"...
Some empirical experiences not necessary for ordinary people.... so put this good friend of mine... 8-O lol sigh
And, I realise...
I don't know how well the others would fair with them... for me, somehow it is as if it is a full time job on them unnecessary nuances to live through and to cope... although this job doesn't pay at all... 8-O lol
So I said to God...
Do me a favor please... another full time job that pays better than da... should it be possible for me to get rid of this full time job that pays nothing at all... 8-O lol
Last night I laid in bed, trying to fall asleep while dealing with them ordinary uncontrollable images that came into my head.... (short of auditory hallucination, though, I think...)
At a certain point, I found myself having difficulties swallowing...
If was as if the bottom of my tongue was a piece of some foreign object in my mouth that would not respond to my command at all...
There after, I came to the realization... it appeared that the area right below the bottom of my tongue is also neglecting any request I made concerning this swallowing activity...
So I got up, but the condition did not change....
In my mind, I knew.... esophageal spasm... so it is...
I decided to take one of the Naproxen... to ease the spasm...
I picked up one pill and carefully tried to swallow it down the throat with water....
Yet, this amazing phenomenon happened....
That huge pill did not go too far...
It felt as if it move 1 or 2 centimeters down, if not shorter distance, and got stuck there perhaps at the very top of my esophagus.
I waited a bit and tried to swallow a bit more water... while curiously monitored what was going on with the pill...
A bit later, the pill moved a little bit lower... and it felt as if the areas above was becoming a bit more flex and not so tense...
So, I sat there a bit more... observing that pill behaving as if it is the gate keeper... soothing the esophagus one segment at a time until finally the pill went down as low as in my chest area...
Thereafter, I went back laying in my bed, trying to fall asleep again...
Shortly, I knew the pill was working because the internal organs seemed to be feeling much more relaxing.... 8-O (of course, this could simply be my imagination...)
And, I realise that... I was attacked again by this thing called dry mouth... something that hasn't happened for awhile...
On my way home today, I thought of this incidence, and, I had this insight...
I have been bad with smoking these past few days when I am trying to finish up the homework and paper....
Possibly, it is the body reacting to them smokes....
And, I thought how funny it is... even when in the scariest moments of upper esophageal spasm... when the spasm was so bad that I could not swallow the pill....
In addition to the uncontrollable concern about whether this spasm thing is gonna turn me eternally adios or not...
What was in my mind, the cognitive part of my mind, was the thought...
"Damn esophageal spasm again..."
And... again... just when I thought I knew what it means to have spasm... I know that I don't know jack about spasm...
And, of course, speaking of the multiple manifestations of the same principle... 8-Olol
Although I did not watch the full episode of House today, I did catch the ending....
Just when House thought everything was under control and he could live with hallucinations without any intervention, the end of the episode proved him wrong....
It is more than sad for me to be watching the end of the episode and looking at House shipped himself into the psychiatric ward...
The kind of fear he, although a fiction figure, might have to endure...
Let alone that fear about losing or the knowledge of the partial lost of what he prides himself of most... cognition...
Watching him walking into the hospital at his own will, with the intentions of committing himself...
That brought me back to the day when I took myself to the ER of St. Luke's hospital...
The fear...
The scare...
About what the reality of being psychotic could bring forth.... not realizing that I had already been entrapped by the web of delusions and hallucinations....
Then, this thought occurred to me as I was getting ready for my shower....
The symptoms might take its toll and it might take time and work for one to grow out of the onset....
Eventually, we will be forced to accept it and to realize the power of the symptoms as well as how different our worldview could be from what it really is...
The events that took place which had never taken place... to begin with...
Yet, the greatest danger we psychotics has to face might actually come after the process of recovery or when symptoms go into full remission....
That danger I am speaking of is the mindset one might develop about... now I have gone through it, now I have grown out of it, now I have learned my lessons about all identifiable patterns associated with psychotic symptoms, and, now I won't become institutionalizable grade of psychotic again...
The matter of the fact is that... like what I have been told by my auditory hallucination... you could never catch it.... regardless how much you reflect on your own condition and how well you could eventually become in identifying your symptoms....
There, perhaps, simply are no fail-save proof to the unidentifiable equation....
So, I thought of this posting I made to my private blog last week after watch the last episode of House...
Funny enough... as a viewer and based on my observation, I had come to the conclusion that House was doing fine, only to realize in today's episode that his condition is actually at some institutionalizable kinda grade...
The matter of the fact is that... the above seems to do an excellent job in representing the actual process it took for my symptoms to grow into the grade-- institutionalizable... (and, if you don't quite understand what I am trying to convey here, that's OK... for... I am not quite sure either what exactly it is I am trying to convey and how to put it into words as well...)
Monday, May 4, 2009 House Goes Cuckoo
Sometime after I started with the previous posting, I watched on TV the episode of House titled under your skin.... in this episode, House experienced psychotic symptoms including visual and auditory hallucination represented by the presence of Amber, the dead girlfriend of his doctor pal... Yet, never a point did he have doubts that them symptoms were symptoms....
Of course, dramas have to be dramas and this is the reason why, after all the hallucinations, there did not really seem to be any sign of Dr. House starting to develop some sort of delusional beliefs. In addition, as a fledgling psychotic, he was able to will them symptoms out with his meta-cognitive skills.... (something I have been trying to learn through out all these years and could still not perfect the given skills otherwise I would not have gone back to the cuckoo's nest again early last year... 8-O)
There was only one part of the show that didn't quite make sense. At some point, it was apparent that the processing of hallucinations (internal stimuli) took precedence over that of the speech of real people in the room... House was distracted by the hallucinations and was having some difficulties handling external stimuli in the presence of them hallucinations. Yet, he made a comment about how he felt no fear....
Well, regardless whether his limbic system was giving up and regardless how cognitive or rational he might be, someone who pride himself so much about his cognitive capacity, I really doubt that he really would have no fear... unless he was simply in shock...
One thing I like about this episode is that... just because one experiences positive symptoms does not mean that one no longer has the ability to perform ordinary daily task such as brain-storming about differential diagnoses....
Although the performance outcome might be discounted given that a chunk of cognitive processing is now, without a choice, dedicated to all processes relating to positive symptoms such as hallucinations.
Just finished watching the movie "The Weatherman" while I was doing my daily swinging exercise...
Some depressed film to go with my moody blues in a day-- partly sunny, partly cloudy, partly rainy...
One thing I got from this movie is the monologue at the end of the film...
Something like the following in my own words...
When I was much younger, I dreamed myself of many a fine quality... as time goes by, these qualities become reduced and reduced till there is nothing more than one left... me... be it good and/or bad... and everything else in between... though that still doesn't quite tell me what exactly it is that I am..
Just watched Shark Tale while doing my swinging exercise...
The take home lesson today would be...
Small fish, big fish and whatever kind of fish you might be... Be open to the all kinds of fishes you might meet
Never forget, though,
who you have been where you come from and, especially, all these times, who has been there for thee...
Car wash
Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch (This is a Shark Tale exclusive) Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch (Here we go again) (2004) Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch (Say what, say what) (phenomenal hit) Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch (Yeah)
Ooh, do do do do do do do Car wash, car wash Ooh, do do do do do do do Car wash, car wash
(Yeah, let's drop it on 'em like this)
Ooh, do do do do do do, na na na ah, ooh Ooh, do do do do do do, na na na ah, ooh
You might not ever get rich, ha Let me tell you it's better than digging a ditch There ain't no telling who you might meet A movie star or maybe a common thief
Working at the car wash (oh oh, yeah yeah) At the car wash, yeah (ooh, yeah yeah) At the car wash (sing it with me now) Working at the car wash, yeah
(Oh, oh)
Come summer the work gets kind of hard This ain't no place to be if you're planning on being a star Let me tell you it's always cool And the boss don't mind sometimes if you're acting like a fool
Working at the car wash (oh oh, yeah yeah) At the car wash, yeah (ooh ooh ooh) At the car wash (ow said, now come and work it with me now, yeah) Working at the car wash, yeah
Said, said, said, sing
(Work and work) Well those cars never stop coming (Work and work) Keep those rags and machines humming (Work and work) My fingers to the bone (Work and work) Keep on and can't wait till it's time to go home
(Ooh ooh ooh) Hey, get your car washed today (Ooh ooh ooh) Fill up and you don't have to pay (Ooh ooh ooh) Hey, get your car washed today Give it up, right away
Missy Elliott: Work at the, car wash Sharks in the water make they jaws lock When I swim through the grim, I'm too hot Y'all can make y'all bets Y'all small tuna fish, I'm one big catch Shark slayer, bow down playa 'Cause this right here will be your worst nightmare (nightmare) Work that, work that, pop back, hurt that Turn this up and bang it all up in the surface
(Work and work) 9 to 5 I gotta keep that fat stack coming (Work and work) (work it) No matter how big the shark is, the right keep running (Work and work) Washing cars ain't no place to be a superstar man (Work and work) That's why I work, and work
Working at the car wash (ohhh, yeah) At the car wash, yeah (come on work it, baby work it, say now) At the car wash (ahh) Working at the car wash, yeah
So come on, come on, come on, come on, come on
Ooh, do do do do do do, na na na ah, ooh (Now keep it coming) Ooh, do do do do do do (woo, so), na na na ah, ooh (You may not ever get rich, but hey)
(Ooh ooh ooh) Hey, get your car washed today (hey) (Ooh ooh ooh) Hey, get your car washed today (Ooh ooh ooh) Hey, get your car washed today (phenomenal hit)
How do I let go of god knows what without going into pieces and ending up losing myselves?
I might be a slow learner.... I do, mostly of the times, eventually learn..... I guess... 8-O lol 8-X
"You Learn"
I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
(This writing is cross-posted in my other blog Disability in Ratology.)
Since I am still catching up with my literature review about disability and so on, I yet have to write up my notes for some of them articles I have read...
In the meanwhile, I think I am to post the following two links...
I came across this discussion topic on the website of spark people titled "All in you head."
Interesting enough, it does give me such a sense of relief to be reading through my own experiences in someone else's words. It is because it does give you the feeling that I am not along in this reiterative process of pondering whether all the pains and difficulties in mobility are but psychogenetic and root in nothing more then the tofu in my airhead.... 8-O lol
The process of sharing helps the reloading or reflection on myself.
The reactions from the others give me a sense of hope-- the wishful thinking that, even though I am struggling to find meaning about the same-old-same-old minor inconvineinces I have encounted so far, perhaps, the words could somhow be useful for someone else....
Another link I recently discovered was the invisible disability advocate, with the main purpose to educate people about the paradox of how people could look good but not feel so hot.
The irony I see in my recent engagement with online support group is that... when I first started with my graduate education, I was doing research with this professor in the counseling department. Among all them projects I was involved in, one eventually was finally published last year--- almost 1 decade later, with the topic being the use of online discussion forum as a means of providing social support.....
Whit
-
Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
-
On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
-
Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
-
A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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